The photo above is notable because I asked Mazzy to stand next to the flag and she did it. That's a milestone, right?
When I started making "Fan Photo Albums", I had about five fans and only two of them submitted photos. This time around, I was somewhat overwhelmed. I tried to include everybody. If I left you out, it was either an accident or because your kids look like they are of legal drinking age.
Let's get to it.
I'm opening with a photo I call "Rage Against the Kiddie Pool".
That's Meredith pissed at either the absence of a diving board or the fact that mom threw garbage in there with her.
Next is two kids with parents who have clearly done the fireworks thing before.
Brodie and Gabby got through the evening with their hearing intact. I wish I could say the same for the shape of their heads.
Moving on to an incredibly patriotic 3-year-old named Claire…
Claire had so much 4th going on, her only choice was to eat it.
Below is Hazy and Brett celebrating with summer margaritas.
Don't be concerned! Those cups are plastic.
And here's Zoe and Mia taking in the parade.
The two of them will be sitting in that exact same spot for the next 60-70 years.
Next up is a photo series I call "My 4th of July head ornament is more elaborate than your 4th of July head ornament."
Up top is 5-month-old Eve in "Dad, your hand is ruining my outfit" and 4-month-old Aubrey in "I haven't felt my head since we left the house". But I'm giving the win to 5 month-old Emmalyn for arranging to have a man stand behind her in an American flag t-shirt.
Here's Emma (from The Little Hen House) getting into the true spirit of the holiday.
Just be thankful she stuck her right hand up her nose instead of her left.
Next we have Ziggy (from Random Handprints) taking a very masculine walk on the pier with his dolly.
(Mom? Don't you think you may have been overcompensating a bit with the tie?)
Speaking of masculine, here's Nixon trying to make up for the time he wore his mother's boots in the Baby Fashion Showdown…
I call this photo: "Mustache 2.0"
Why? Because 2-month-old Brady rocked facial hair first in "Beta Mustache".
What's 4th of July without a watermelon eating contest?
Brodie knew he was in trouble as soon as Baby R (from Midwest Moments) showed up with her "Take No Prisoners" game face.
Rebecca decided to phone-in her watermelon eating from home. Mom says the photo below was taken using a camera setting called "Color Accent".
My new name for "Color Accent" is "Make Your Child Look Like She Belongs In The Opening Sequence of Dexter." (Also— creepy hand alert to the right!)
Sadly, some kids have parents who don't love them enough to feed them watermelon.
That's 16-month-old Annie (from The Little Hen House) eating an unripe strawberry and 8 month-old Joey sucking on a lemon. Maybe next year, kids.
Obviously, Adeline and Vivian are so loved they get to bypass fruit all together.
Here's Charlie in "Fix The Damn Car Already! I've Got Places To Go!"
Be thankful this photo doesn't involve sound effects— Charlie just discovered that a car horn is the best "cause and effect toy" EVER.
Next is one-year-old Issac in "City Kid Meets Tractor".
It's a classic Hollywood tale of a young boy in search of his father's lost toe.
Below is Amelie with all the ingredients for fun but a smile…
Turn that frown upside down, Amelie— life only gets worse from here.
Here's Rowan proudly showing off his brand new tribal tat.
Because permanent decisions are best made before the age of five.
Next is Avery on her very first birthday.
Mom gave Avery the gift of wearing the hottest, itchiest, most unbreathable fabrics on earth. Happy Birthday, Kid!
Below is Matthew, Louis and Trace on top of the infamous metal dome in the Union Square Playground.
Let's hope it wasn't too hot and everybody got to take their skin home with them that day.
Check out Maia and Hunter all set to win the three-legged race.
They may not look like competition but that's before you find out mom's had them tied together for weeks in preparation for the big day.
Next up, we've got LJ smiling through a nap, Warren getting attacked by a gorilla and Sullivan trying out for "The Devil Wears Prada II".
Not so fast, Sullivan. We have one more audition.
That's Analeigh staring down an intern and firing her stylist.
For a change of pace, I present a little girl who wishes it was winter.
That's 2 year-old Gracie, or as she is known by Federal Air Marshals— "The World's Worst Drug Mule".
(Okay. Does anybody need a glass of water? A bathroom break? Just checking.)
For my fan photo finale, I will now barrage you with summer water activities.
First, we have a sad photo of Carson called "The Last Kid on Earth."
Followed by Lil Diva and the Tackler (from Dances with Chaos) in "Chinese Water Torture is for Sissies".
Here's McKenna, Parker & Sawyer (from Four Plus An Angel) mistaking the Slip n' Slide for a troth.
And Vincent in a photo called— "I'm gonna need a bigger dumptruck."
Next, I'm including a picture of Mazzy with a bad case of "Kim Kardashian Diaper". Here's a close-up:
And here she is reenacting an episode of "Kourtney and Kim Take New York".
That's 4-year-old Ellie playing the role of Kourtney and 22 month-old Zac doing his best Scott Disick. (Unfortunately, Scott Disick levels of douchebaggery are impossible to duplicate.)
Below is Parker in a photo titled— "Once I catch my shadow, I will eat it for dinner!"
(I'm all for child safety, but is the life vest really necessary in two inches of water?)
Next Caitlyn (from Hamburger Cheeks) would like to challenge Mazzy to a Bikini Contest.
But in a surprise move from the judges, PJ takes home first prize.
(Editor's Note: The photo above was submitted for a caption contest but I just couldn't do it to him.)
Next up is Ella in a two part series called "Beach Day Gone Wrong".
And FINALLY, my favorite fan photo of all has got to be 8 month-old Mark in a picture I have affectionately captioned:
"I'm with you, Mommy Shorts. The beach FUCKIN' BLOWS."
Seriously, people? That was HARD WORK.
If you'd like to know when the next fan photo opportunity comes up, please join the Mommy Shorts Facebook Fanpage. Or read my blog every single day— the choice is yours.
ALSO. I may regret this but I'm thinking of doing a "babies dancing" compilation video. If anybody has any funny video clips of their kids dancing, email me at email@example.com.
But I'm not promising anything.
Have a good weekend!
— Mommy Shorts
PS: Thank you, sincerely, for being such great fans and giving me the opportunity to make fun of your kids.