Mazzy will be a year old on
Decmeber 9th. Which means,
this pumping thing is about to
come to an end. Pumping has
gone on for way longer than I
intended but for some reason I
have not been able to justify
enough of a reason to stop. If
breast pumping were a movie it
would be a cross between a total
horror show and the most boring
film you've ever seen in your life.
It would be a movie that never ends
but has some unknown endgame
that compels you to stay in the
theater feeling bitter until the lights
go on. In other words it would be
an M. Night Shyamalan movie.
Something like this…
THE BREAST PUMP
(Rated U for Unsexiest Thing You Have Ever seen)
Open on a woman seated at her desk. Her desk is amongst a sea of cubicles. She reaches down to touch a breast pump tote bag sitting at her feet as she slowly scans the office.
FADE TO BLACK.
SUPER: The Breast Pump
A Movie by M. Night Shyamalan
Fade up on the same woman at her desk. She picks up the breast pump and walks to the nearest room with a door.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC UNDER.
She opens the door. Inside are two people having a meeting. They look up at her, startled.
She closes the door and moves to another door. Opens it. A group of about ten people are inside watching a video presentation. They all turn to stare at her. She quickly shuts the door.
Cut to another door. Someone having a heated private conversation on his cell phone.
Another door. A couple on the desk caught in a compromising position.
Another door. Smurf village.
Cut to the woman opening one last door. It is empty except for a desk, a chair and a filing cabinet.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC STOPS.
Woman sighs with relief as she shuts the door behind her, sets her breast pump on the table, and sits in the chair. She gets out all of the various pieces and begins assembling the pump.
SHOW TIME PASSAGE WITH VARIOUS FADING IN AND OUT OF WOMAN STILL ASSSEMBLING. ASSEMBLING. ASSEMBLING.
Cut to close-up of apparatus finally fully assembled.
Camera pulls out to reveal woman looking horrifc wearing a strapless bra with her nipples sticking out, funnels and assorted tubing attached to each breast (this is what earned this flick it's U rating). Woman turns on pump.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BEGINS AGAIN.
Woman looks down and realizes the pump is not plugged in.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC INTENSIFIES.
She scans the room. Nothing. Scans again.
She notices a sliver of an outlet peaking out from behind the filing cabinet on the other side of the desk.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC INTENSIFIES EVEN FURTHER.
The woman takes a deep breath. Shimmies the whole apparatus, the chair, the bottles, etc. over towards the plug.
She reaches for the outlet. The plug still won't reach.
She takes the entirety of the desk and pulls it over with her, snagging her stocking on the underside of the desk in the process.
Finally, she reaches the outlet and plugs in the pump.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC STOPS.
Close-up of the dial as she turns the pump on. Close-up of the woman's face as she winces at the first pump. Close-up of her watch as she notes the time.
The woman looks up as her face settles into a look of dulled ambivalence. She stares ahead focusing on nothing imparticular.
Suddenly her look changes into one of confused surprise and then quickly morphs into utter horror.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC RETURNS AT IT'S MOST INTENSE.
The camera switches to the woman's point of view and we see that the entire wall in front of her is made of glass.
Curious co-workers have stopped in their tracks and are staring back at her from the other side.
They look horrified.
CUT TO BLACK.
SUPER: A version of this scenario will repeat itself at least twice a day for the next 6-9 months.