Mazzy has been walking for about six months. And every day I discover new supposedly "family-friendly" places that are now off-limits.
Like BOWLING ALLEYS. A few months ago, my husband's friend had a birthday party at Bowlmor Lanes. The invitation said everyone should bring their kids. Perfect, right? Yeah. Not so much.
For starters, every lane at Bowlmor has a huge flatscreen TV at the end of it. And along the wall are pink neon lit glass cases lined with shiny untouchable trophies calling your baby's name. And don't forget the plethora of 16lb. balls threatening to smash every tiny finger close enough to point and say— "BALL! BALL!! BALL!!!" Did I mention all the space to run around? Specifically, the 60 foot long lanes with the baby equivalent of a pot of gold on the other end? (Pot of gold = the flatscreen TVs in case you are having trouble following).
Did you know that Mazzy can run at the speed of light? Neither did I! Look away for a second to grab a chicken wing or a celery stick and that kid is GONE.
Also— she can climb steps! Including the two steps up into other people's bowling festivities!
And if I'm chasing after her and some people get in my way and I lose a few seconds because I have to manuever around them while Mazzy takes the shortcut through their legs? Well, then she might just run full speed towards that damn flatscreen. And then I'm left hoping nobody throws a bowling ball at me as I race awkwardly after her while apologizing profusely for interrupting the game and avoiding eye contact with pissy Bowlmor employees until I have sucessfully retreated back to my spot as far away from the party as possible.
That is, until my future Olympic sprinter makes another break for it.
After about a half hour, I left my husband there and took the baby home. Family-friendly is one thing. Toddler-friendly is another.
You know what else isn't toddler-friendly? SUPERMARKETS. My daughter knows her fruits and vegetables. She wants to touch every single one of them. And then drop them on the floor. And don't try to tell me to put her in the cart. She acts like a caged animal who has gone a full week without food in there. CHEESE! CHEESE! CHEESE! CRACKAS! CRACKAS! CRACKAS! It's a nightmare. Going to the supermarket has become a race to get back out the door the second I step inside.
Kind of like RESTAURANTS. Let me ask you something— when you tell the waiter that you need the check, WHY DOESN'T HE GET YOU THE DAMN CHECK?! Can't he see you have a SITUATION on your hands?
How 'bout a nice trip to a beautiful PARK BY THE WATER called the Sands Point Preserve? Mazzy should be able to run the grounds till her heart's content, right? NOT IF THOSE GROUNDS ARE COVERED IN GOOSE SHIT. I have pried countless leaves and sticks out of my daughter's mouth. But GOOSE SHIT??? There is no getting over that. I couldn't even put her down.
This, of course, was met with weeping, screaming, struggling and one final high pitched wail that sounded a lot like:
"WHY OH WHY CAN'T I PLAY ON THE GODDAMN GROUND???"
Sorry, babe. As always, we have to go home.
UPDATE: At some point, there will be a "You Can't Take A Toddler Anywhere, PART II". I left out way too many. Then again, you guys have other things to do, so that's probably a good thing. Feel free to help me build out my list in the comments below.
I thought for sure this was going to end with: AND ELEVATORS! ha ha ha
Ah yes, the supermarket, what I affectionately refer to as Supermarket Sweep. Remember that game show where they would race around and try to fill the basket up with all the items from the list? LOVED THAT SHOW! Yeah, that’s what a supermarket with kids is like.
And restaurants: here’s a tip – the minute your food arrives, ask for the check. 🙂
It’s funny, the one place I actually CAN take my 2yo son is the supermarket. He likes riding in the cart, as long as we have crackers. No crackers = no deal.
And I thought I was the only one chasing my son all over tarnation while all the other moms watch me run around like a mad woman. Are they drugging their kids or what?!
It took me a second to figure out what you were talking about but then I got it.
For those of you who don’t follow me on twitter— Mazzy walked into the elevator of our building barefoot yesterday and stepped in dog shit.
Why was there a pile of dog shit in the middle of our residential elevator? I guess you’ll have to ask the “World’s Worst Pet Owner”.
As soon as I figure out who that is, I will let you all know so you can stone him.
Personally, I find that wrestling with a determined 30lbs toddler while on the escalator to be a fun experience – NOT! He’s *fascinated* with them.
And here I was wishing I had a park to take him to so he can run around – forgot about animal feces. Gah.
Eeek, I hope Mazzy didn’t get any goose shit in her mouth.
Yes. I get this. All too well. Pass the wine? And the padded, foamy rooms?! 🙂
Ha! This is why I prefer to never leave my house. I will not have a tan again until my youngest turns at least 5.
Actually, it’s shorter to make a list of places they can go. Like their cots. And their high chairs. Everywhere else carries an element of risk. Either to them or to my sanity. 🙂
Maybe this is why SAHM’s got the reputation of being lazy. It’s hard to see from the outside that you literally cannot get anything “productive” done with your child from age 1 to age 4. See ya at the playground, y’all.
I agree – let’s make a pact not to leave our houses until they are 5. Or maybe 16 and can drive.
Rebecca JUST figured out how to say “Ball”. Now she runs around pointing to everything (whether it’s round or not) saying “Ball!” “Ball!” “BALL!”. If it happens to actually *be* a ball — then the excitement level goes up threefold. Thankfully my niece had the bowling party LAST year so I think I’m ok for now…
And I don’t know HOW you can possibly shop without being able to put Mazzy in a cart! More power to you, super-mom! Thankfully Rebecca lives being in the cart. She gets all excited if the supermarket has overpriced balloons (BAll! BALL!)
How about craft Fairs,state and county fairs, and how how about the renaissance fairs? These all might advertise to the family, but they mean if you don’t bring strollers and promise to buy their snacks! Definitely not the place for kids in my opinion unless it is for a short while and I can carry them and not slow up to look at anything myself.
Honestly, that is just plain disgusting and wrong. What could they possibly be thinking in leaving that pile?
LOL! My hubby refers to the Rennaisance Festival as “boobie-fest” for our sons! He said that they enjoy it a bit too much these days….
Loved this. Carson is 30 squirming pounds and I can barely lift him, yet it’s so dangerous to set the stroller-hating-maniac (I mean, my lovely obedient 17-month-old) down on the street with cars/trucks/buses whizzing by. Sorry NYC, but I’m starting to understand the pull of a house and a (fenced-in) yard.
As a kid I was terrified of escalators. I remember there being a story of some woman who somehow fell through one of the steps and was crushed to death.
I haven’t Let Mazzy get on one herself. I still put her in an Ergo carrier most of the time.
I have an 18lb walking 12 month old. While other moms are sitting chatting with their babies who are playing with little toys, mine is running down the hall pulling things off shelves. I get little beads of sweat whenever we go out somewhere that isn’t 100% toddler friendly. However, grocery shopping is fine, I still wear her in my mei tai and she loves it.
How nice for you that your kid likes her high chair. Mazzy has practically broken hers from grabbing the tray, bouncing up and down and trying to pull herself out screaming “UP! UP!! UP!!!”
I have a whole new situation. My savvy 4-year-old now prompts my impressionable toddler to do naughty things. Like steal packs of gum at the supermarket checkout. I’m raising criminals.
I’m around mostly corner bodegas so a lot of the time they don’t even have carts. She’s only had two cart experiences— both disasters.
I used to just put her in a baby carrier but now when she’s around a bunch of aisles filled with food, she really wants out. Which turns into twenty minutes of me chasing her around picking food up off the floor. FUN!
Lately, my husband has just been going to the grocery store by himself every Sunday morning.
You know what? I am going to have to write a PART II. Because now that I am reading the comments I am remembering so many more places. Like library story time. Where every time someone opens the door, Mazzy is somehow right there ready to break free. You know what is right outside the door? A huge flight of stairs.
I ask myself the drug question all the time. Mazzy will sit still for nobody. If I take her to a class, every other kid appears to be sitting in their mother’s lap. WTF? If I put Mazzy in my lap, she does the “Arch the Back” move with hands high above her head so there is nothing to grab onto. She’s very squirmy.
Also? The playground has become a lot less fun since we’ve outgrown the “just stand there and push her on the swing” phase. All this running around trying to keep her off the big kid slide? EXHAUSTING.
Oh god DRIVING. Hopefully this fearlessly reckless stage will have faded by then.
Yes please do a library story time post. I actually got REPRIMANDED at Barnes & Noble (in the kiddie section!!) because Carson pulled 20 books off the shelf then bolted, and I left the books on the floor to run after him.
I think she actually would have preferred me putting the books back on the shelf and letting him fall down the escalator.
I tell waiters at the beginning of the meal that I want the check to come out with my meal. So I can pay immediately and leave if a meltdown occurs.
Somehow, that is not clear enough. And that, somehow, is my fault.
It’s called Fresh Direct. Heard of it?
Don’t forget museums! We live near the Smithsonian and my 5 year old loves the dinosaur exhibit in the Natural History museum. Those velvet ropes are just things to run under away from Mommy to my 2 year old. Glass protecting the exhibit? She just pounds and licks (yes licks) the glass, and if it isn’t protected by glass you can be darn sure she is touching, pulling on or trying to throw it across the room. I try to keep her contained in her stroller but she is like Houdini, she can get out of the darn thing in less than a minute!
This is why I count every day that ends with my 3yo still alive as a success. Cheers to us! 🙂
Oh you forgot waiting in line at the post office. My least favorite place to go because there are all of the lovely expensive prepaid boxes my toddler can get into and destroy (at my expense of about $5 per box). I cannot STAND that place. Then he screams and tantrums at the top of his lungs when I try to hold him rather than let him run and go on his expensive terror.
I could not agree more. Sod the playground! If I wanted a workout I’d have a gym membership!
I’ll second elevators – if I had a nickel for every time Mango pressed the conveniently toddler-level “call help” button and then I had to say “sorry! we pressed it by mistake!” in my work elevator, I wouldn’t need to go to work anymore.
I’ll also add bars (great for babies in car seat stage, not so great for toddlers who can grab glasses off tables).
I can’t take mine anywhere either. Even on the bus. She constantly tries to grab the red emergency exit handle! Then she screams when I pull her hand away!
After reading this I’ve decided I never want my daughter to walk. The end.
I took my nephew to the bowling ally this weekend = major no go. After two slips on the bowling lane and a bunch of screaming we had to leave. I am slowly learning the places babies can not go, maybe by the time my little one walks I will remember them all?!
You know where else sucks with a toddler? LIBRARIES.
I am still trying to figure out how to make it work when I take my four year old along, because Miss 16 Months Old wants out of her pram to run riot, make as much noise as humanly possible, and destroy all books. Fun times.
How about non-baby-proof friends’ houses? I love it when my husband sits and talks or plays a game while I follow her around saying “No! Do not sit on the cat!” And catching breakable things she flings off low shelves.
I raised a perfectly behaved seven year old. When she was five I decided in my infinite wisdom to have another. Who has on at least two occasions now been the Rebel-Rousing toddler that screamed so loudly while grocery shopping I think I saw birds outside covering their ears. Easy to say just leave, but I figured my well behaved seven year old deserved food. The killer? Her being a total Hellion in public then in the privacy of our car telling me an unprompted “Torry Mama!” (she isnt two until August). And also libraries, movies, other peoples homes, school yard, public transit, church, malls, banks, coffee shops, barbers, walmart, toy stores (really, that should be obviousby number two!), public bathrooms (besides all the obvious germy reasons the she-tries-to-open-the-stall-while-im-peeing reason), and yeah … I agree with listing where we CAN go … much shorter!
Oh you are bringing back (un)fond memories. And remember please, I had TWINS – so picture the two of them in the playground running off in opposite directions, one toward the open gate, the other toward the high slide. Fun indeed!
Also? This WILL pass, it will get easier. Unless your kid is ADHD, then it only gets worse (sorry!)
Oh I so get this, I really can’t take my kids anywhere unless they can all be strapped into something. If there is trouble they will find it. I think our pictures may be posted on a few supermarket walls.
I know this stage well. They aren’t quite old enough to be trusted or to really follow directions, but they are old enough to be dangerous.
i was about to say the same thing – first thing we do after we order in a restaurant is ask for the check.
Anything that advertises a “toddler craft time” is pretty much crap for us here. It generally involves glue, sparkles, and other things that look way tempting to eat.
Pools. Love the idea, until I have images of my toddler not understanding the idea of the Deep End and stepping off (yes yes, he is in floatation safety, yet still).
Puppet shows haven’t worked either. He likes to get ON the stage and hug the puppets.
Parenting is all such a wonderful surprise.
The sweats. I get those. I do advise, however, more kids. Having more makes you way too tired/sick of paying attention to even notice when they eat goose grease, never mind giving a shit about it. “Did my charming toddler interrupt your bowling a 300? Pfft. Didn’t notice because this one was pushing Cherios into the hand dryer.”
Where’s hi-damn-larious comment? Oh, just chuckle, trust me, it was funny.
Oh, hey, there it is. Teehee.
Mine’s just learning to walk at 18 months. Something I was slightly ashamed of til I read this. Now I may push her down. Shhhh, don’t tell.
It wasn’t until I had a child that I realized that geese excretory systems were so…prolific. There’s got to be a vet or someone out there who could look into that. Maybe with a nice little dart gun. Actually, strike the “nice.” And “little.”
I just think you need one of those kid leashes.
HAHAHAH!
Just kidding.
And dont forget traveling, the airport is the best place to lose it. You try telling a child not to run through the security gate.
have fun
http://www.nycsinglemom.com
This is yet another reason to live in NYC. We don’t have renaissance fairs. Our fairs consist of selling packs of socks, discontinued make-up and houseplants on the street.
Apparently, the rule is— as long as you’re selling gyros next to cups of watermelon— it’s a party!
I hear you Lauren. I would staple gun Mazzy’s hand to mine if I could. We’ve been walking her down the street herself a bit lately but it’s slightly terrifying what with her penchant for wanting to get as far away from me as possible.
Take them to Sephora. Then tell them specifically not to steal Dr. Perricone’s $95 eye cream. Because you wouldn’t want that at ALL.
Seriously? That is horrible. I say take Carson back but this time with a Sharpie. I’m sure he’d love the section with the hardcover coffee table books.
I tell the waiter before i even sit down that we want some bread. I usually get a rude look. Hey— I’m just trying to look out for my fellow restaurant patrons.
I haven’t taken her to a museum since she started walking. But that sounds like a nightmare. Like taking them to Disney World but Mickey Mouse is behind glass. Torturous!
The post office is a place I avoid at all costs. Even before I had a child.
Mazzy presses that stupid alarm button in the elevator all the time. It’s the only one she can reach.
At first, I was like— WHAT KIND OF MORON WOULD PUT THE ALARM BUTTON THERE??!! But then I realized— Oh. The kind of moron that knows that a person pressing an emergency button might be lying on the floor.
The bowling alley is the absolute worst. Way too much temptation there.
Mazzy likes to got up to other people, grab their books and then destroy them. This makes her many friends.
One of the biggest fights I have ever had with my husband was in this exact situation. We were at his friend’s party and he was watching the game while I ran around after Mazzy constantly trying to protect her from herself for HOURS. Then I needed to go to the bathroom and left her with him for five seconds. Guess when she hit her head into the glass coffee table?
The list does go on— doesn’t it? I had a nightmare experience in a kid’s shoe store I should write about. I really think they should gate baby sections of stores like they do the the infant swings at a playground. I kept having to chase after her so she wouldn’t walk out the door onto the NYC street.
Toy stores haven’t been a big problem for us yet. She just walks around looking for Sesame Street characters. It’s kind of cute.
I cannot even fathom twins. Honestly, I do not know how people do it.
Good thing they like being strapped in, RIGHT?
I took Mazzy to a Pinocchio show that was advertised as “for all ages”. Ten minutes in, they turn out all the lights and project a huge scary version of Gepetto on the wall. Mazzy started shaking like crazy and then crying. We had to leave. “For all ages” my ass.
I can see not caring about the bowling thing. But the goose shit? I sincerely hope a second child doesn’t change my opinion about THAT!
I love how your singlehanded efforts to double my comment stream.
Seriously. Everyone told me not to encourage Mazzy to walk. But I didn’t listen. Experienced parents know what they are talking about.
It was truly amazing. I wish I had a picture to do the sheer amount of goose shit justice. But picture chocolate sprinkles on an unlicked ice cream cone and then imagine that ice cream was 25 acres wide.
You know. I do get the leash people. I can’t judge them.
Yep. Been there, done that. Good times.
Oh, I care, but there’s a very good chance I don’t *know* about it. Wee!
Weddings. OMG Weddings. “Sure, you can bring the kiddos!” Oh no you didn’t. Ugh.
We always preface requests for the check at restaurants with “We have about 5 minutes left before she starts wailing, can we have the check now?” That does seem to get them in motion 🙂
It is a challenge – wish me luck… #2 will be walking soon!
There’s not enough tip for waitstaff who are skilled with the intricate dance that is serving people who have children – crayons, STAT, apple juice in a sippy cup before anyone else’s drinks, no hot plates in front of child, no scalding chicken fingers on child’s plate…when you get a good one, it’s amazing.
I can still take Lil’ Bit to the supermarket, but now my husband has to come along for reinforcements, whereas it used to just be me and her. You know, before she was mobile. I’d stroll around the store with her sitting happily in the cart smiling up at me. It was actually pretty blissful. She made grocery shopping fun and gave me a legitimate excuse to talk to myself as I browsed the aisles (something I do anyway, but at least I don’t look crazy when I’ve got her with me).
Now? She still loves to go to the store, but she only lasts in the cart for a few minutes. Then she wants to get down and exert her independence. So, now going grocery shopping is a family affair – I shop while Hubs entertains her. It sounds weird, but it works!
I can totally relate! I often think that going to parties is actually THE WORST! If it is not a child centered party, then I hestitate to bring my two. Food everywhere, breakables, stairs, traffic, pools, and then the nerve of a family member you have seen in 5 months, ACTUALLY WANTS TO TALK TO YOU…uninterupted…how dare they?!! I don’t really have any tips to share, although I always have a stroller with me, because even if they’re screaming, they are STRAPPED IN!
ps we went to the Bayard Cutting Aboretum for Mother’s Day and lil bee had a field day with the goose poop, “mommy, poopie!” “”ducky, poopie” YIKES!!!!!
I am quite certain that if we took our son to a bowling alley at that age, we would have had a similar experience. Things like that are so much more fun when they are old enough and ready. But, it is hard because you want so badly to do fun things like that as a family!
TRUE. All of it. True. People who do not have spirited children do not understand.
Wow, the supermarket is NOOOO problem for me because I carry Monster in the Ergo Baby carrier and even the employees love seeing him!!!
I got one of those monkey backpacks with the tail and the whole thing is a harness and a leash! I know some children will freak out but mine loves her monkey. and to those women who are all “I would never harness my children” … well you know where you can shove that.
I understand at a 1yr old birthday party at a house. People everywhere all the other 1yr olds standing close to there parents and my 1yr old is the only one treating the party like a marathon. I was so ehausted I needed a nap.
Seriously? You’re complaining that there’s goose shit in a park? HARDEN THE F UP.