About six months ago, Grammy (my mother) bought Mazzy her first doll. (Mom— it might be a good idea if you covered your ears and averted your eyes for the remainder of this post). Grammy actually bought two dolls, both exactly alike except one says "I love you" when you press it's belly and the other laughs. They have plastic oversize heads, bland painted-on features, and horribly spongy bodies wearing hideous clothing including awful unremovable bonnets (see picture above).
I hate them so much that I like to imagine their interactions go something like this:
Hideous I Love You Doll: I love you.
Hideous Laughing Doll: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Hideous I Love You Doll: I love you.
Hideous Laughing Doll: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
(Hideous Laughing Doll repeatedly rejects Hideous I Love You Doll's overly needy attempts of affection, in case that wasn't clear).
Mazzy, of course, as with everything Grammy gets her, LOVES them. Which is all fine as long as her love for their generic brand of hideousness is displayed within the confines of our apartment.
Recently, however, Mazzy has been insisting that she bring one of them with her every time we venture out. SO. This situation must be remedied quickly. If Mazzy is going to be a cool city kid, I can't have her walking around with a doll that looks like it couldn't get a date in the toy bin at the dollar store.
I'd much rather Mazzy attach herself to a doll with some street cred. Something with a little originality. Something like one of the awesomely unique handmade dolls pictured below:
I must warn you, when you scour the web for the beautifully designed dolls, you envitably find a few with sticker prices in euros as opposed to dollars. Most of the dolls above can be found on Etsy. But three of them can be found on a site called Juime, which due to the copious amounts of umlauts involved, I can only assume is German. Which makes perfect sense. All those BMW factory workers must need a break every once in awhile. Why couldn't it be for a tea party?
Clockwise from top left: Sylvia by Frannymade Tressa by Simpli Jessi, Fruhlingsmadchen by Juime, Hand-painted Dolly from Frannymade, Augen by Juime, Gracie from Sugar & Spice, Greta from Retromama, Ming Li Mini Beanbag Doll by Stephanie Monroe, Filzrockmadchen from Juime
Anybody else have a toy that they are plotting to "lose by accident"?
Good luck getting Mazzy to leave the house without those dolls. Both of my girls have been obsessed with baby dolls and won’t let them out of their sight. When they started playing with one that I didn’t like I would take them to the store and let them pick out a new doll that I approved of and buy it for them instead. This usually worked.
Ohhh… and I just read a post by Marinka at Motherhood in NYC about Suri and her heels. If you haven’t read it already you should.
Just be glad I’m laughing.
We have Angel Baby, given to me by my mother-in-law:
http://illcutyou.blogspot.com/2010/07/go-to-hell-angel-bear.html
Too funny. They always love the dolls you wish they didn’t!
My child has one like that from my MIL – it has the added hideous that is bee antenae on the unremovable bonnet.
Its sad.
Those little blankets with the toy animal head? You know the lovies? Yeah I gave every single one away as soon as people gave it to him. He only ever touched those once. They creep me out. Why would I want my son to play with a bodiless toy? Creepy.
The key is to remove the offending item the very first day. Before attachment sets in.
But if your my Aunt Dot then McClain loves his giraffe-head blanket. Seriously, loves it.
nope!! haha thank god i have a boy!! (and im laughing with you… no, really!)
Get an awl. Drive it through the nerve center of the doll eliminating the auditory component. At the same time, get one of the cool dolls delivered. Let her see you open it. Tell her it is not for her but for you. Put it on the couch. Eventually relent that she can touch it. Then let her appropriate it. Dr. B, I’m gunning for your job.
I have always found that a few seconds in the microwave cures a toy with horrible sounds. Not much you can do about its looks though. So, think of it this way: Wouldn’t you rather have her destroy or lose a doll you hate than one you love and spent a lot of money on?
the rules in our house usually revolve around how much noise it makes. Those are the toys that “break” and “no we can’t find any more batteries” and the toys that are not allowed in the car much less in public!
definitely do not let them out of the house, because the next thing that happens is they get really grubby and either a) your child will not let you wash them and/or b) no matter how hard to scrub said offending grubbiness will not be shifted. Now you have a grubby doll that looks like it couldn’t get a date in the toy bin at the dollar store. And yes I do speak from experience!
I just read the Marinka post. Heels and pacifiers all coming to an ugly head. Feels like Katie and Suri need a Dr. B intervention.
I like your idea about the toy store. Except I’m pretty positive the doll Mazzy would pick would be red, furry and named Elmo.
Hi, Mom.
Oh god. Alien baby. Sounds horrifying.
The giraffe lovey is supposed to be BOO #2. Aka On-the-go BOO. Mazzy shares your aversion and will have nothing to do with it.
It’s a little hard to pretend to my mom that she loves the hideous dolly sisters once I post about it on Mommy Shorts. See comment from my mom above.
I won’t laugh the day you trip on a matchbox car, fall on the floor and get an army figurine wedged up your ass. Really I won’t! 😉
You just won yourself a spot on “Comments That Refuse to Go Unnoticed”. Also? I am totally trying this.
Are you serious about this microwave thing? Because if so, I am excited to get cooking! But if you’re joking, you should tell me now, before I burn my house down.
My MIL bought Mazzy a big plastic key that basically sings the Old MacDonald song except it substitutes all the animal sounds with real life “transportation themed” sounds. Cars honking, tractors backing up, etc. The batteries oddly disappeared a long time ago.
That sounds a lot like BOO, her blankie. Ripping apart at the seams, stained and starting to smell despite numerous washings. But it is Mazzy’s companion for life.
Oh, you’re so funny: but so right.
The street cred dolls and toys.
Just like everything else.
And the grandparents say, “but it’s a perfectly good [insert item here]”
No, no, grammy, it’s not: it’s cheap and plastic and hideous. And cheap. Did I say that already?
I forgot about that post. Angel Bear and The Hideous Dolly Sisters look shockingly similar. Maybe there was a Hideous Doll #3 but she got killed in a freak accident (like somebody accidentally dropped her into a trash compactor) and only then did she become “Angel Baby”. AKA “Dead Dolly”.
This is why I think Craig makes an excellent point below.
If it wasn’t incredible cheap, do you think she would have gotten TWO OF THEM???
HAHAHA!
My kid won’t go anywhere without his “blankey.” Which is my old, tattered robe. I almost wish he would carry a doll. Haha. Not really.
Submit a picture of that robe. I should start a “Horrifying Things My Baby Loves” gallery.
My 3 1/2 year old just saw all the pictures of the ETSY dolls and she got soooo excited. She is barely letting me type this now bc she keeps saying, “dollies, dollies”
My mom is also the one who insisted on baby dolls. Up until then Aura was as pleased as punch with plain old Little People. Not sure what it is with grandparents and dolls, but I suspect it is the I-want-to-have-MORE-grandchildren instinct. Perhaps I should start carrying around swatches of python skin, since I-want-MORE-Michael-Kors bags.
Note to self.
Not only was this post you in exquisite snark ridden form, but this was also one of the funniest comment threads I’ve read. Up to and including your mom’s response. I am totally on board with Craig’s awl-reverse-psychology plan. I suggest you videotape and get back to us in a week.
PS: If the dollies start saying anything *other* than I love you and Bwahaha, let me recommend you, Mazzy and Mike vacate the premises IMMEDIATELY.
Couldn’t get a date in the toy bin at the dollar store? If I didn’t already love you, I’d love you based on that line alone.
Luckily Grammy lives so far from us that I can destroy the ugly toys before my kids even seen them and she’ll never know. Bwahaha!
I think we have its twin – gift from great g-ma..
It doesn’t leave the house.
I don’t worry about it too much, because of my Lil Diva’s older brother: he’ll likely use it as an incendiary device someday soon.
Hmm…we do have a garbage disposal…
I am so glad SOMEBODY appreciated my doll round-up! I thought they were pretty spectacular myself.
Hmmm… well if that is the case, I am going to start carrying around a wad of cash. In hopes that it will multiply.
Actually, I carry around cash at all times. Hasn’t worked to my knowledge. But I’ll keep checking.
Oh this is very true. Also, if their bonnets detach themselves and spin around in the air before falling back on their heads? Expect us to arrive at your front door with a suitcase in hand. Give us tea.
That’s my problem. Grammy is too close! Although, we like to keep some things at Grammy’s house for when Mazzy visits.
It’s very strategic.
Note to self: Must have boy. Boy will destroy unfavorable dollies.
OH MY GOSH. We have the same laughing one! And guess who gave it to my daughter? Yeah, my Mom. Yeesh! I no likey that doll. It creeps me out for some reason. I’m going to get K one like one of the ones you showed from Etsy. So cute!
I say take the doll sisters out on a really muddy day, and have an oops moment of. Hem falling into the mud. Ph no, they can’t be washed, but you possibly couldn’t have known that! We’ve silenced many a hideous dolls but giving them a sympathetic run in the washing machine 😀
hahahahah 🙂 i was looking for simplijessi and found your blog:) this was super funny:D i make dolls myself and carry them around with my kids, buzz lighyear and other plastic things are usually staying indoors and i try to keep my son unaware of the fact that there are t-shirts with lightning mcqueen in this world:) he better think there is only designer prints available 😀
Is anyone going to discuss the eyes that pop open when they are placed upright? How disturbing (and ironic) is it to see your innocent child gouging out the eyes of a dolly and ripping the eyelashes off because her baby won’t go to sleep??
Check out http://www.etsy.com/shop/WilsonCreekStudio for some more lovely dolls. I just love these!
Fantastic, makes me laugh, too funny. if the doll could talk, maybe he could say that
We don’t put batteries in the battery operated toys and she doesn’t even notice the difference. As for verboten toys- my in-laws keep buying my daughter Holiday Barbies. You know, the ones that only come out at Christmas and the kids aren’t actually supposed to play with which doesn’t matter because she’s not supposed to play with it until at least 7. She’s only almost 2 – are you serious? I’m supposed to store and move these hideous dust catchers (one really looks like a low-priced hooker, if she could only chew gum)?!