Yesterday was my mom's birthday and I realized that although I've mentioned her a few times, I have never given "Grammy" a proper spotlight. But since she just finished watching Mazzy for the entire week while we were on vacation, without even hinting at it being a hassle, I feel the need to give my mom her due.
Let me start by saying that the ability to accept my mother's help and guidance was not an easy one for me. I'm sure many mothers and daughters go through something similar when grandchildren enter the picture— it's a struggle to define your new roles and how they relate to one another.
Early on, my mom made it clear that spending time with her grandchild was more important to her than anything. So when Mike had to go away on business for a week when Mazzy was barely a month old, my mom eagerly volunteered to stay over and help me out.
Help out is putting it mildly. My mom became Responder #1 at every turn. Whenever Mazzy cried, my mother was immediately there to comfort her. Whenever there was the slightest hint of wetness, my mother rushed to change Mazzy's diaper. Whenever a sock slipped off, my mother made sure to slide it right back on to keep Mazzy's core temperature in check.
It pains me to say this but— it drove me out of my mind.
That week, instead of taking a much needed nap, I resisted my mom's help every step of the way, insisting over and over again that I could do it myself. Rolling my eyes at her diligence. Saying, "I got it" while turning a cold shoulder. Until finally, much to my horror, my mom broke down. And then because it is a sight I rarely see, I broke down too.
After many tears, we realized that our agendas were in complete conflict with one another. While I was trying to prove to my mom that I was capable of taking care of the baby on my own, my mom was trying to prove that she was indispensable so that I would feel it necessary to have her around.
It was a very intense event, that joint breakdown. Probably the biggest mother-daughter conflict we have had since I left home for college. But it taught lessons to us both. For my mom, she realized that she had to take a step back and let me be the parent. For me, I realized that even though I have always prided myself on my ability to forge my own path, when it comes to being a mom, it's pretty childish not to take advantage of the fact that I have an excellent example to follow. And I have now come to believe that only a rookie parent would turn their back on quality help.
Over the past year my mother has indeed proven herself indispensable. She has not only made herself consistently available to the baby, but she treats her in a way that I cannot replicate. She entertains, she spoils, she loves— she gives Mazzy every inch of her attention every second she is with her.
It is because of Grammy that I was able to leave Mazzy behind when we went on vacation last week. I knew I would miss the baby but I also knew that the baby would be just fine without me.
After all, she was in the hands of an amazing mother— MINE.
nice post about a nice lady
Beautiful words! Grammy is great!
Can I borrow your mom? Mine is one of those who was all “ZOMG I can’t wait for you to have a baby when are you going to have a baby are you pregnant yet OMG?!?!?!”
And then I had a baby. And it became “I’ll be a grandma on MY time, goddammit.” Anytime I asked for help it was like **groan*** “Yeah, I GUESS I can babysit.” But then she’ll randomly offer to take the baby overnight so hubby and I can go out.
Come to think of it, I think she only does that because she knows I’ll say no…..
And don’t even get me started on my MIL….that will be a post in itself over at my blog I think.
I am also lucky enough to have a mom like yours– and have realized as my daughter gets older, what a lifesaver she is! Count your blessings and take advantage to keep your sanity!
Is she considering adoption? I am available to adopt.:)
Be careful with that MIL post! I learned the hard way— the internet CANNOT KEEP A SECRET.
Motherhood is the realization that the most invaluable people around you are the ones who are willing to babysit.
Grandparents are surely indispensable for children as well as the parents! It’s also such a beautiful and an amazing thing to see your child and your parent bond together.
My mom is similar to yours in the fact that they have both made spending time with their grandchildren a top priority. It is such a nice feeling to know that I can call my mom for help with the kids and she will drive a couple hours to come and stay for a weekend if I need her to. I am very grateful for my mom and her relationship with my kids. Mazzy and you are both very lucky to have your mom!
Ah, yes. That’s why I use an alias. Now I just have to make sure my husband didn’t blabber his mouth to her about my blog…..
This is such a nice post. My mother basically backed off when I had my son because she didn’t want to even risk over stepping any boundaries. She just let me know she was there if I needed her. I wish I had asked her for her help more often. Or at least accepted the help she offered. As a grandmother, my mother and your mother are one in the same. When I had my daughter just 16 months after my son, I had to suck up my pride and let my mom help out more. And I’m glad I have because without my mom I don’t think I could’ve gotten through the first 6 weeks my daughter was here without going bald.
I never doubted your parenting abilities – you are an incredible mother and have created the most adorable little girl (with Mike’s help, of course). The best part of babysitting were the times that Mazzy reminded me of you. It was while she discovered a new drawer -full of sponges, rubber gloves, straws and tea packets -as she tried to put each one in her mouth and looked at me with those inquisitive eyes – I definitely saw you. And when she awoke in her crib and had that look that said – get me out of here! – I saw you too. It was a wonderful week of remembrances, joyfulness and love. I am a proud mother and grandmother. And yes, I can’t wait for the next time to babysit – Love, Grammy
I had the same situation happen, when I got home with the baby my mom offered so much helped and I kept saying no no I can do it myself. I finally realized that I should embrace the help and just because I was taking her help didn’t mean I was a bad mom. And who would I trust more with my son than my mom!
i was such an idiot with my mom with kid#1, i think it’s the natural order of things….you’re lucky you caught it so soon. she sounds awesome!
Right now I am keeping her pretty busy. But I’ll let you know if her schedule opens up.
I should post the pictures from their week together. The children’s museum, the carousel, the aquarium— It’s more fun than my husband and I have shown her over the entire year!
Wow, isn’t that a great capture of a shift in one of the most important relationships we ever have?!? My mama is hyper-viligent when she’s around our kids, which is great, but scares me because, “Maybe I’m not viligent enough…egads!” Thanks for posting!!
We are both very lucky. It’s one of the reasons that I would have a very hard time moving far from home. I can’t imagine how hard life would be if I didn’t have my mom to turn to.
I think it is a real sign of growth when you can accept help. Particularly from your parents, since most of us spend much of our lives trying to separate ourselves from them and prove our independence. Having kids is what often brings a family back together.
I love you, mom. Thank you for that.
Exactly! I don’t know why I thought it was a competition at first. “I can be just as good a mom as you can!” But the truth is, as new mothers, we’ve got a lot to learn.
I know. I have learned not to compete. I won’t win.
It is comforting to know that so many people have similar experiences. I felt like such a massive jerk that day.
Can I tell you, that I was already envious enough when I read your post about your mom. But then I read her reply to you and I teared up– and it’s not my mom!
That’s the kind of mom I aspire to be. If it’s the only thing I can do well, it will be the kind of mom that can inspire such a post.
Great to meet you this past week!
I had the same problem — a big part of my PPD, I think, stemmed from my inability to truly accept help and ‘turn things off’ for a while. Then, when reality hit that I couldn’t do everything on my own, the “I’m a horrible mother” part kicked in and.. yeah. Not fun.
To this day, I feel like I am kind of responsible for my MIL doing, well, nothing, because she would only make vague “I can help if you want” comments, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her “Actually, yes, you can do X, Y, Z”. If she had offerred specifically to do X, Y, or Z, I would have said yes, but I always had a hard time asking someone else. Put it this way — last Sunday was the first time she changed my daughter’s diaper (by herself) in 13+ months.
My mom is wonderful with my daughter, but she was also distracted by taking care of HER mother (who was in a nursing home until she passed last week), and my sister who is a very strong personality with 2 kids, and intentionally/unintentionally demands the kind of attention & help that I can’t compete with.
But my mom has never said no to watching my daughter until my husband comes home on Tuesdays so I can participate in a community orchestra (my “me” time), and taking her overnight from time-to-time, so we can visit with friends occasionally.
Lovely post, thanks!
Oh, I miss my mom so much!! She was that way with my son.
Oigh…it’s hard to read this kind of stuff having no mom anymore. But I’m so happy you have yours, good moms like ours are hand to get.
Pure hearts of gold to our kids. <3
hard*
stupid watery eyes. lol.
consider yourself lucky to have your mom around 🙂 love your blog…freaking hilirious!!.