This week’s Red Writing Hood prompt was to write from the perspective of someone you can’t stand. And since there is nobody more irritating to me than the little red self-involved monster who has stolen my daughter’s heart along with my mornings, today I am handing over the reigns to a guest blogger named— ELMO.
Hiiiii!!!!! Elmo can’t believe Ilana is letting Elmo blog today! aHAHAHAHA! Elmo talks to children every day but never their parents! Well, maybe Elmo is on in the background but Elmo never gets their undivided attention! aHAHAHAHA! Oh BOY! What should Elmo talk about? This is harder than Elmo thought. Maybe Mr. Keith Urban is around to do a song?
No, sorry, Elmo, I don’t have access to Keith Urban.
Oh, ok. Well, maybe Alicia Keys then?
Nope, no Alicia Keys.
Hmmm. OH! I KNOW!!!! Let’s find Mr. Noodle! Nr. Nooodle!!! Mr. Nooooooodle!!!!!!! Ummm…Ilana?
Where is Mr. Noodle?
I don’t know Elmo, probably back in Sesame Street.
Oh. This isn’t Elmo’s World?
No, this is Ilana’s Blog.
Oh, right. aHAHAHAHA!!! Okay! Is the other Mr. Noodle here then?
There are two Mr. Noodles? My husband and I have been debating this for weeks.
Of course there is! You are so silly, Ilana. OH!!! Is that a baaaaby? Elmo LOVES baaaabies!
Yes, that’s my daughter.
Hi, Baaaaby. What are you eating, baaaaby? aHAHAHAHA! Would you like some banana, baaaaby?
Please, stop saying baby, Elmo. It’s makes me want to stab myself in the eye.
WOW. Ilana’s World has a lot of RULES. What’s that Dorothy? Dorothy says that in Elmo’s World, things are more fun. Dorothy says that Elmo has other children to play with and crayons and famous people. aHAHAHAHA! Dorothy says she understands why the baby prefers Elmo to Ilana!
aHAHAHAHA! Elmo is kidding! Dorothy has a question.
Does Ilana know how to take a joke?
Of course, I do.
Hmmm. Ok. Cause when Elmo met Mr. Adam Sandler, he said some people don’t have a sense of humor.
I can appreciate you in small doses, Elmo, but you are around all the #@$%ing time.
Oooooooooh. Who taught you that laaaanguage??? Was it Robert DeNiro? Cause Mr. DeNiro told Elmo that—
Can you at least switch up Elmo’s World a little bit? Like maybe one day you skip the Mr. Noodle segment?
Studies show that children learn from repetition, Ilana. Do you want your baby to learn, Ilana?
Please stop repeating my name.
aHAHAHAHA! Ilaana! I as in Ice Cream! L as in Llama! A as in Abyssmal Parent! aHAHAHAHA!
That’s not funny.
Do you know Mr. Ricky Gervais, Ilana?
He thinks Elmo is hilarious.
Isn’t it time you wrapped this up?
Oh! Is it time for Abby Cadabby’s Flying Fairy School????!!!!!!
Crap. I think it is.
You think you could stick around for a little longer? Somehow, you are more tolerable than the alternatives.
Sure! I know! Elmo is going to dance!
No, please don’t dance, Elmo.
Elmo is great at dancing! aHAHAHAHA!
No, no. You’re not. You’re embarrassing yourself.
Elmo LOVES dancing! Oh YEAH! Look! Dorothy is dancing toooo!
Dorothy is not dancing.
aHAHAHAHA! Mr. Noodle is dancing! And the Number 5 is dancing! aHAHAHAHA! Miss Katy Perry is even dancing!
Alright that’s it. This post is over.
Good, because, Ilana?
You should really play with your kid.