This week’s Red Writing Hood prompt was to write from the perspective of someone you can’t stand. And since there is nobody more irritating to me than the little red self-involved monster who has stolen my daughter’s heart along with my mornings, today I am handing over the reigns to a guest blogger named— ELMO.
Hiiiii!!!!! Elmo can’t believe Ilana is letting Elmo blog today! aHAHAHAHA! Elmo talks to children every day but never their parents! Well, maybe Elmo is on in the background but Elmo never gets their undivided attention! aHAHAHAHA! Oh BOY! What should Elmo talk about? This is harder than Elmo thought. Maybe Mr. Keith Urban is around to do a song?
No, sorry, Elmo, I don’t have access to Keith Urban.
Oh, ok. Well, maybe Alicia Keys then?
Nope, no Alicia Keys.
Hmmm. OH! I KNOW!!!! Let’s find Mr. Noodle! Nr. Nooodle!!! Mr. Nooooooodle!!!!!!! Ummm…Ilana?
Yes?
Where is Mr. Noodle?
I don’t know Elmo, probably back in Sesame Street.
Oh. This isn’t Elmo’s World?
No, this is Ilana’s Blog.
Oh, right. aHAHAHAHA!!! Okay! Is the other Mr. Noodle here then?
There are two Mr. Noodles? My husband and I have been debating this for weeks.
Of course there is! You are so silly, Ilana. OH!!! Is that a baaaaby? Elmo LOVES baaaabies!
Yes, that’s my daughter.
Hi, Baaaaby. What are you eating, baaaaby? aHAHAHAHA! Would you like some banana, baaaaby?
Please, stop saying baby, Elmo. It’s makes me want to stab myself in the eye.
WOW. Ilana’s World has a lot of RULES. What’s that Dorothy? Dorothy says that in Elmo’s World, things are more fun. Dorothy says that Elmo has other children to play with and crayons and famous people. aHAHAHAHA! Dorothy says she understands why the baby prefers Elmo to Ilana!
Excuse me?
aHAHAHAHA! Elmo is kidding! Dorothy has a question.
What?
Does Ilana know how to take a joke?
Of course, I do.
Hmmm. Ok. Cause when Elmo met Mr. Adam Sandler, he said some people don’t have a sense of humor.
I can appreciate you in small doses, Elmo, but you are around all the #@$%ing time.
Oooooooooh. Who taught you that laaaanguage??? Was it Robert DeNiro? Cause Mr. DeNiro told Elmo that—
Can you at least switch up Elmo’s World a little bit? Like maybe one day you skip the Mr. Noodle segment?
Studies show that children learn from repetition, Ilana. Do you want your baby to learn, Ilana?
Please stop repeating my name.
aHAHAHAHA! Ilaana! I as in Ice Cream! L as in Llama! A as in Abyssmal Parent! aHAHAHAHA!
That’s not funny.
Do you know Mr. Ricky Gervais, Ilana?
Yeah.
He thinks Elmo is hilarious.
Isn’t it time you wrapped this up?
Oh! Is it time for Abby Cadabby’s Flying Fairy School????!!!!!!
Crap. I think it is.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
Actually, Elmo?
Yes, Ilana?
You think you could stick around for a little longer? Somehow, you are more tolerable than the alternatives.
Sure! I know! Elmo is going to dance!
No, please don’t dance, Elmo.
Elmo is great at dancing! aHAHAHAHA!
No, no. You’re not. You’re embarrassing yourself.
Elmo LOVES dancing! Oh YEAH! Look! Dorothy is dancing toooo!
Dorothy is not dancing.
aHAHAHAHA! Mr. Noodle is dancing! And the Number 5 is dancing! aHAHAHAHA! Miss Katy Perry is even dancing!
Alright that’s it. This post is over.
Good, because, Ilana?
Yes, Elmo?
You should really play with your kid.
Of course Elmo is guest posting on your blog. He is kind of an ass though. Who is Elmo to say you have no sense of humor and should play with your kid more? Perhaps Elmo should stick to Mr. Nudo/Noodles and Dorothy and stop picking on you.
Sooo funny. I could hear is little annoying voice! This was perfect! I love how he kept name dropping. Hahahaha! Silly Elmo.
DYING!
Loved it. LOVED it.
I completely heard Elmo’s voice. You nailed him.
And you’re right, Abby Cadabby is totally worse.
That? Was absolutely hilarious!!! I always wondered if Elmo had a hidden jerk side. Clearly, he does.
Ilana! OMG Ilana! How did you come up with this?!
Why is Elmo so adored by every single kid EVER and so annoying to every single adult?!
I could hear Elmo talking throughout. You captured his voice eerily well. I loved your -ahem- dialogue with him and the ending was perfect.
My favorite oart was the Nudo/Noodle debate. We talk about that all the time and that level of detail is admirable!
Really funny! Great job. And the conversation with you was brilliant. I especially loved that last line. Ouch.
Excellent guest post Elmo!
My daughter loves you!!
And, compared to Barney, Dora, and the other crap I’ll put up with you.
Great interview!!
I loved it.
Excellent, excellent piece. Thanks for sharing!
That was fraking genius. You perfectly and I do mean purrrrfectly captured his voice. Yet while maintaining that p.o.v you take it to another level with the name dropping and his judgmental comments. Incredibly well done.
OMG! This is THE best. I’ll bet you a box of magnolia bakery cupcakes this thing goes viral. Maybe change out the expletive with a F#$% ? Unsolicted concrit there – just want the world to read it. Although that might diminish the frustration love/hate with that red monster. Don’t know, just know that EVERYONE needs to read this post.
I love the last line, trust Elmo to bring it home. You made my day.
This is great! I live how you carried his voice throgh. And still worked in yur own commentary.
I did Elmo too but in a different direction.
Well done!
I know it was kind of a cheat. But it just went there. Trust me— you don’t want to read Elmo taking to himself for 600 words.
I could hear Elmo’s annoying voice through the entire post. This is hilarious. I am kinda loving when Elmo was making fun of you. Very funny, thanks for the laugh!
AHAHAHAHA! This was funny. You captured Elmo perfectly. And your responses were hilarious, too. I could feel your eyes roll and the tension building with each of his answers. Loved it.
LOL this was great!!! I once gave a friend who hated Sesame Street an Elmo stuffed toy that spoke. It drove her crazy, especially since in this you had to wait to stop; it did stop on it’s own. I don’t think she’s forgiven yet.
You captured Elmo so well. And yes, he is irritating even in writing.
Wonderful choice for this prompt:~)
That was soooo funny! I have almost forgotten how annoying Elmo really is. My kids are a little older now. I compare Elmo with Dora. Another voice that makes me want to throw things at the T.V.!
Have a great day-
You nailed it. Both with how annoying he is and writing the exchange between you and him. Hilarious!
I pretty much love that my current pre-schooler and toddler are NOT fans of him… ;-P
Brilliant.
I could totally hear Elmo the whole time! I guess I’ve been watching too much Elmo lately! So funny!
Oh God.
This was scary.
Hilarious, but scary.
Because to perfectly capture Elmo particular dialect, one must listen to him for hours and hours.
You obviously have. I’m so sorry.
So I’m not the only one who wonders the whole Mr. Nudo,/Noodle thing?
Whew.
I cannot think of a thing to critique, because you perfectly captured Elmo’s voice, even his laugh. I think most writing rules go out the window when you have a conversation with a Muppet..
I laughed my ass off. Thank you.
Too funny! I could hear Elmo throughout the whole piece and you had me giggling aloud as I read. Though, I must admit, I actually kind of like Elmo..shhhh! But, that *could* have something to do with the fact that it has been years since my first watched him and my second only sees Sesame Street a couple times a month! lol Glad I stopped in from the RDC today! :>
I wrote it and then last night, before I posted, I watched an episode of Elmo’s World to make sure I got it right. My first writing research!
Then I went back and made it much more third person. Elmo never breaks from third person. Not even once.
ahahahhh, Love it!
Oh my GAWD! I can’t even read all the comments because I have to tell you how much I loved this. LOVED. WHere is the love button? (And you know I’m not even on FB!) So great. Geez, that freakin’ dude is seriously such a pain in the arse sometimes. OMG, I may have to share this with everyone I know. Sorry. I’m that much in love with it. (And when you get loads of hits from a mommies’ website in NC, you’ll know why!)
This was perfectly genius. I love it. You captured Elmo perfect right from the beginning and I love the Mr. Nudo/Noodle debate. Will we ever know? This is SO good Ilana.
Hilarious! Could you please do an interview with Dora next and tell her to stop screaming all the time. Inside voice please.
this was, of course, spookily dead on. I could hear every word he said, and his creepy laugh, and your responses were awesome!
I’m DYING! Loved this. Love. Love. Love.
You nailed Elmo – his laugh, his voice, his annoying sentence structure. And your dialogue? Genius.
Thanks for the giggle.
OMG! LMAO this is so creative! I am so glad my kids never got totally obsessed with elmo! I can see what I am saving myself from!
Lalalala lalalala I loved this. Lalalalalalalala I LOVED THIS! I loved the concept. I loved the WORDS. I LOVED THIS POOOOOOOSSSTTTT
(sang to Elmo’s Song — DUH)
Everyone else already said all there is to say but…I believe you can never receive too many complements – hilarious, total genius!
I forgot how much I hated Elmo…my daughter is 13 now, so I had forgotten all about Elmo.
I had to take her to see that freaking Elmo movie when it came out. *stabs self in eye
Loved it! I detest Mr. Noodle. That man is creepy – Pee Wee Herman caught exposing himself to a movie theater creepy. It also annoys me how unkempt all of the mothers on Elmo’s World are, can’t these women find themselves a bottle of conditioner and a pair of tweezers?!
But yes, Abby’s Flying Fairy School is the worst (but wait until Max & Ruby enters your life, you’ll find yourself longing nostalgically for that little red guy…)
http://www.18years2life.com
This is eerily Elmo, I like the part where he actually speaks in a normal voice for a minute, don’t think we’re not on to you Elmo! I thought this was freakin’ hilarious. Loved it.
I changed the fucking to @#$% like you said. I was debating last night whether it came out of nowhere so maybe it sounds better now? Not sure.
Just read your Elmo post. Very Crusty the Clown. Well done.
We have a miniature Elmo. It does not talk. Thank GOD.
My virgin ears have yet to experience Dora. But I can only imagine.
Bring those NC mommies on! Thanks for the love.
My husband kept saying his name was Mr. Noodle and I said no, it’s Mr. Nudo and this went on for months before we figured out that they were actually two different people. You know what did it? There was an episode recently where they were together. Otherwise, this could have gone on for years.
Ha! I haven’t delved into the world of Dora yet. But if we ever become more than comfortably familiar, I will no doubt scream at her to be quiet.
I saw an episode of Max & Ruby once and wanted to throw myself out a window. Even the way they are illustrated is annoying. It’s like the cartoon equivalent of a low talker. Have you seen “If kid’s shows were real”?
Check it out here: http://bit.ly/fxppxD
This. was. AWESOME!!!!!
I lived through the Elmo days. I feel your pain.
This….this was so awesome!!!!
AAHAAAHAAA
I always thought Dorothy would be much more tolerable if she was fried, or perhaps sauteed with a little butter. As a matter of fact, this seems like an excellent fate for Elmo himself, too.
Nice job. I didn’t think it was possible to make a puppet seem that judgmental. I think I like Elmo a little more now, actually. YOUR ELMO.
I’ve always thought there was something snobby about Elmo. He’s too nicey, lovey, sweety.
You have his voice down perfectly!
Thinking about it, he’s better than Caillou.
All I can say is…ROFLMAO!!
You have a gift…Elmo’s World should hire you for a segment 🙂
the other comments said it all, but in my opinion you can never have too much flattery – hilarious and genius.
OMG!!! Toward the end there I wanted to throttle Elmo! This just cracked me up! You really captured the annoying that is Elmo perfectly! I am so very glad that my 3 year old is mesmerized by superheroes these days!
I’m not sure if I should give you an award or a referral to a mental health clinician.
Either way, you were spot on and LOL!
Oh my gosh, I could hear that annoying little voice through the WHOLE thing! So funny. And a very creative use of the prompt!
Holy. Crap.
I just read this from top to bottom and then from top to bottom again and laughed and laughed, and laughed some more – and then read it OUT LOUD to my husband (who can’t stand Elmo), and we laughed even more.
Absolutely brilliant – and I’m totally jealous I didn’t think of having Elmo as MY guest blogger….
Ilana, I’m dying over here. Fucking Elmo. You’re right though. abby’s flying fairy school makes me want to light my shirt on fire for something more enjoyable.
I could hear his high pitched little voice in my head reading this.
In my husband’s words, “Elmo’s gay.”
But he’s cheaper than a real babysitter…
This is great! You really captured Elmo’s voice here. I knew he’d be a shitty little guy in real life. He pretends to be all sweet and loving but he’s totally judging us parents because we don’t like our kids as much as he does, and our kids don’t like us as much as they like him.
I always thought that Mr Noodle was Mr Noodle’s brother, and that they had the same name. Are you sure one is Nudo?
I just looked it up and you are right. They are both called Mr. Noodle. Which is just stupid. Although I guess if they are brothers, and their last name is Noodle then it makes sense that they would both be called Mr. Noodle. But I still HATE them.
Thank you. I went back and fixed the post.
Elmo makes me crazy angry. He’s banned from our house (we’re a blues clues family) and yet Alex can STILL spot him from a mile away and ask “Melmo?” Insidious little red-furred dictator.
OMG. I can’t believe I missed this. HILARIOUS!
Brilliant! Elmo’s voice was all I could hear. I am currently on to round 2 of Elmo-adoration with my second child… are there really two Mr Noodles? I never even noticed, but then, I’m not a morning person. As for Abby Cadaby? My eldest has moved on from Elmo (“He’s for babies, Mum”) and totally worships Abby. Kill me now.
I just additional this particular feed to be able to my book marks. I need to say, I seriously take pleasure in reading your own sites. Keep it up!