This year, Santa has taken a back seat to the new face of Christmas. That face is the wide-eyed "Elf on the Shelf" who has been working overtime, peddling his breed of mischief. He will not rest until every mother, father and child's holiday season completely revolves around all things ELF.
Legend says the Elves watch the kids to see if they have been bad or good and then report back to the North Pole. Parents are tasked with moving their little imps every night and this, apparently, is the source of GREAT HOLIDAY STRESS.
I don't know any of this firsthand because I celebrate Hanukah. But I believe my friends when they say they wake up in a puddle of cold sweat with the sudden realization that Sparkles/Jingle/Buddy/Jack is in *GASP* the same exact place he was the night before.
Not only does the Elf have to be moved, he must be doing mischevious things like restringing Christmas lights around the living room and ODing on marshmallows in the kitchen. (Jen from "People I Want to Punch in the Throat" has an excellent post on overachieving Elf Mommies here.)
Because of the increasingly ludicrous positions that people must create for their elves, Jill from Baby Rabies is holding her Second Annual "Inappropriate Elf" Contest. These elves aren't spilling hot cocoa powder in the pantry, they're doing shots of tequila out of Barbie's navel in the jacuzzi. They're not toilet papering the cat, they're burying him alive in the backyard.
Jill is currently accepting entries and the prizes are NO JOKE. Winner gets a Nikon 1 V2 Mirrorless Camera (that's so fancy I don't even know what it means), runner-up gets an iPad Mini and fan favorite gets an Nintendo 3DS.
Hot Damn, I might even break out a Hanukah Helper for this! (That's the lame Jewish version of Elf on the Shelf, if you are unaware.)
There are over 100 submissions in the contest so far. Here are nine of my favorites (published with permission from Baby Rabies), with links to the blogs of the people who submitted them...
"Are You Elf Enough?" from The Eco-Friendly Family:
"Charlie Sheen Elf" from Peace, Love and Lattes:
"Put the Lotion in the Basket" Elf from The Ronins Rule:
"Human Trafficking Elf" from Lil Blue Boo:
"Tickle Me Elmo, Elf" (aka "I Smell A Lawsuit Elf") from Forever 51:
"Dexter Elf" from Katy and Zucchini:
"Elfetamines" from Pickle Head Soup:
"Lurker Elf" from Cherish Bickel:
and finally, "Fifty Shades of Elf" from Ms. Officer 79
And just because I didn't want to feel left out, I bought the stupid Hanukah Helper and staged my own little scenario...
I'm calling him "Abraham the Arsonist" and he's about to burn your house to the ground.
Care to vote for Abraham? Click here. I'm #103.
Or enter your own. Contest ends December 18th.