In addition to “Inappropriate Elf”, there is a new trend called “Elf Shaming”. Yes, that’s right. Dogs, babies, husbands and ourselves aren’t enough. Elves must be humiliated for their misdeeds as well.

In fact, there is an entire site dedicated to Elf Shaming which is featuring my new friend Abraham today.

Who is Abraham?

Why, he’s my vacant-eyed Jewish substitution for Elf on the Shelf, otherwise known as a “Hanukkah Helper”. Only, he’s not as lame as I initially believed. Turns out Abraham is pretty BADASS. Or sacrilegious. There’s a fine line, you know?

Over the past two days since Abraham came to stay with us, he has been dishonoring our Hanukkah traditions left and right. I guess it’s my own fault since I have not made it clear to anyone what he is doing here. He’s got no Santa to report back to or naughty/nice initiative to uphold. The piece of paper he came with said Abraham is supposed to “stay by our side” and “share Hanukkah time”. Is that not the vaguest job description you have ever heard? In return, we are supposed to sprinkle him with snowflakes (huh?) and give him crackers and water at night.

CRACKERS AND WATER??? What kind of life is that? He traveled all the way here from… from… ummm… “his home far away”. No wonder, Abraham is acting out.


Here are just a few of Abraham’s latest offenses, transgressions and Jewish violations…







2013 Update: Good thing this year, I traded Abraham in for a Mensch on the Bench.