Last Friday, I went to the doctor. Again. You see, I haven't gotten over the cold I contracted back in early December. It gets better, then worse, then better, then almost gone and then hits me again like a ton of bricks.
At this very moment, I am on the verge of another sickness regression. You know that tickle in the back of your throat? Yep… it's baaaaackkk…
I asked the doctor if there was a name for my illness and he said yes.
It's called "I-live-with-a-two-year-old-itis".
Or is it "there's-a-child-rubbing-her-snot-on-me-uenza"?
Or maybe it's "the-baby-coughed-in-my-face-again-osis".
I don't know. It's so hard to follow medical jargon, you know? But he did give me this helpful chart for visual reference:
To make matters worse, this particular bout of sneezing and coughing resulted in the loss of my voice.
I've never had laryngitis before and just like breaking my arm and having it in a cast for three months, it's not nearly as fun as I imagined it would be back in second grade.
Do you know what you're supposed to do if you lose your voice? You're not supposed to speak.
Riiiiiiiiight….
There is a small complication with the whole no-speaking thing and that would be the same damn two-year-old.
You can't read books, you can't yell "NO!" if the two-year-old is about to eat garbage off the city sidewalk and you most certainly can't yell the two-year-old's name if they suddenly escape a restaurant booth by ducking under the table and hightailing it straight into the kitchen.
You also can't yell your husband's name if you run out of soap in the shower which REALLY SUCKS.
For about two weeks, my voice was 100% gone. We're talking open-my-mouth-to-express-some-grave-parenting-injustice-and-nothing-comes-out-at-all GONE.
This is especially hard when taking phone calls.
MIKE: Hey, babe. I know I was just away on a business trip for three days and I promised I would be home tonight but they're having a going away party for this random guy in an entirely different department that only started five days ago and I really want to go, okay?
ME: ——-
MIKE: Great! Don't wait up!
All joking aside, that two weeks was really hard because I felt totally disconnected from Mazzy. She didn't know what was happening. All she knew was that her mom wasn't talking to her.
I've since gotten my voice back about 70%, so I can speak but I still sound like crap. That's why The Mommy Shorts Show is on temporary hiatus.
My voice has been gone so long that my regular doctor referred me to an ENT who is a vocal specialist.
I saw him yesterday.
He put me on three different medications, set up sessions with a speech pathologist and recommended an allergy consultation.
Think that's a lot?
He also printed out a piece of paper that said this:
PATIENT INSTRUCTIONS
– Voice rest: No yelling, screaming or raised voice
– Use facial steamer for 5 minutes twice daily
– Drink at least two glasses of water three times a day
– Low acid diet: limit use of caffeine, chocolate and alcohol
Ummm… hello??? The only way to be a proper parent is with copious amounts of coffee and alcohol! And no chocolate?? How am I supposed to drown my sickness sorrows??
Plus. A word about the facial steamer. There is no way to play "words with friends" while you are using it. I checked. The best you can do is listen to a podcast or something which sounds terrifyingly close to meditating. And even if I—
Crap. I need a tissue.
Where are the tissues?
Who moved the tissues??
Seriously. WHERE ARE THE TISSUES?!
MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am doomed.
I remember my bout with laryngitis well. I woke up and that was it. No voice. Not being able to speak for one whole weekend brought new perspective to me – I never realized how much everyone else talked!
Sorry about this pesky recurring illness. I’ve been sick with the flu on average once a month and had 2 bouts of food poisoning, in just the last 5 months, so I commiserate and empathize! Get well soon!
Oh, I can totally relate. I’ve considered this winter an improvement over the last one because this time, I only feel like I’m always getting sick. Last year I actually was always sick. OK, I exaggerate. But only a little.
Luckily, while I spend months at a time sounding like a cross between Jessica Rabbit and Darth Vader, I’ve never actually lost my voice. That would suck.
I have one suggestion- which you can ignore if you want. Try vitamin D. It is linked to immune function (there are population studies and actually even some biochemical studies that provide a mechanism for how this might work). Anecdotally, we’ve all been sick a lot less since we started taking vitamin D. Of course, our toddler has also had more time to build up her immunity… but I submit that “might improve immune function” is pretty much irresistible to parents with kids in day care, so we’re all over the vitamin D here now.
Haha! I’m sorry – it’s not funny. Well, it sort of is. Sorry you’re not feeling well. I can’t imagine not being able to talk to my baby. Or consume alcohol. Both would suuuuuuuck. Hope you finally get better soon.
Uggg. Kids are germy. There is no real warning for that, well there is – telling people “kids are germy”. But they keep wanting kids anyway. The consolations are (1)as long as the kid isn’t sick or is coping well with being sick then at least you are minus that stress, as though it sucks when we are sick, it is way more stressful when our kiddies are (2) if Mike is wanting to party then at least he hasn’t caught the dreaded Man Cold yet (3) I find as parents there tends to be a season/year of seemingly endless illness but the bright side is then it’s like we got it all over with at once so are scot free for quite awhile. Last winter was my winter of doom, but more for the kids than me (baby got influenza that changed to bronchitits that became every cold known to man plus we got food poisoning and Norwalk-like illness a couple times just to mix things up. Variety is the spice of life! ). But then we were crazy healthy until the fall (and then was only me flatlined by a horrible virus that lasted two weeks but seemed like 12 as I was up every night for two weeks straight. It was also known as “Yep, I am definitely not wanting to have a newborn ever again” virus.
I say drink the alcohol – it’s the only thing that’s really gonna kill the germs, right? I mean, every canister of Lysol wipes has alcohol as the active ingredient. So, you can’t talk – that’s okay, at least your insides are germ-free.
Jeepers. And “facial steamer” sounds so pleasant. Maybe just jump in face first and take it as forced downtime. Five minutes, right?
But I’ve gotta tell you, the tissue scene made me chortle. We’ve all been there. No fun. Hope it works!
Omgosh! I’ve been sick since December too! Same symptoms! Wtf? I have older kids (who have been in much better health than me) so I can’t blame them! I blame Holiday-itis. Still recovering from the holidays and need the whole month of January to recover.
Get well soon!
Yuck-O. That possibility stays at 100% when you contract “I have a three year old itis” and doesn’t really go down much until you start heading for “My seventeen year old is going to college early-ation”
I have it direct from Doctor Spaceman that the only cure for laryngitis is to take some of these yellow pills he just got from Mongolia. It would be rude not to, really.
God, I love 30 Rock.
You and me both right!
My body has still not adjusted to the new cat, the one that melts my 9 yr old’s heart and destroys my lungs cell by cell daily.
I just keep telling myself ‘I am a good Mom’ and she will take care of me when I am old … if I make it that far.
(crap, already old)
Feel better, gargle with alcohol and sneak the chocolate … and that WWF – I told you, they all cheat.
What’s awesome about this is that now I don’t have to go to the doctor! I’ve been sick on and off since Thanksgiving and I have never ever been sick this long in my life. Effing toddlers.
Feel better soon! I hear (vodka infused) matzo ball soup helps in situations like this one…
Love your chart! I got a double ear infection following my two-year old’s cold right before the holidays and ended up having tubes inserted in my ear drums so that we could all fly overseas to be with family! Ah the joys of having a 2-year old! At least it is us parents that get the worse sicknesses not the 2-year olds.
There was a blissful fairly health filled six year gap between my 2nd and 3rd child. Now the 3rd child is 2 and we are all sick all the time. Thank you for giving me the diagnosis because I was about to go to the doc, too! I really hope you are feeling better soon. May I suggest a super stylish fanny pack for tissues, Advil, iphone, etc.? 😉
And this is why I stopped showering every day.
We never run out of soap now.
Mine came on slowly. Gradually fading for a few weeks until there was nothing left and then gradually (very gradually) returning.
I hope you survived the food poisoning- horrible but at least it’s quick!
I will totally try Vitamin D. I’ll try anything!
It’s tough to figure out which sucks more. Oddly? I’m finding the lack of chocolate sucking the most.
Yeah, I love winter with little kids. We had this kind of year last year, only mine was 2 week bouts of sinus infection every 3 weeks. From November thru May. Where I wound up on an antibiotic for 6 weeks, or better known as “I-just-shit-my-pants-again-cillin”. And the then 1 yr old had ear infections every 4 weeks. And the then 3 yr old had cold sores infected with mrsa on his mouth. It was a good year. I’ve since increased my daily amount of alcohol and guess what?! We all had a better year!!! (except my hubs who has had strep every month for the last 4 months so he’s been like a 3rd kid) Cheers!
I’ve heard of this dreaded MAN COLD, but Mike gets sick for half a second and then miraculously cures himself. What’s even more annoying is I garner no sympathy whatsoever because he is convinced I get sick because I am not taking better of myself. Then he will point directly to my lack of sleep (aka my late night hours writing Mommy Shorts) and I can neither argue nor listen.
You understand what I’m saying?
I will make an official statement to my doctor and report back to you. Fingers crossed!
I am not looking forward to the facial steamer. I’m going to buy one after work. It honestly sounds like hell.
We should get on the phone together and reenact Budweiser commercials from the 90s! You know, cause we’re frogs! What? Not funny?
Thanks for helping me look forward to the future!
He’s got me on three things. I’m pretty sure some of them are dubious.
People cheat at words with friends?? Really? What kind of people exactly???
Sorry about the cat. I have a tip. Get rid of it! (Full disclosure: I am not a cat person.)
Yes because I was tempted to say the same thing except I would be more inclined to say give up your day job as that would effect me less 😉
Sorry you are still feeling bad. Just be grateful Mazzy isn’t sick too. My daughter threw up 13 times in 6 hours the night before last. I repeat, 13 times!! See what you have to look forward to? Now a cold doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Seriously though, hope you feel better soon.
no caffeine or booze? is life worth living?
That list takes me back to the days of my youth when I frequently lost my voice because I wasn’t singing correctly. You didn’t see Dr Libin by any chance, did you? Best. Drugs. Ever.
This is sacrilege but I never felt like the steamer helped.
Zinc lozenges can help though they taste funny.
I’m sorry about the disconnected feeling from Mazzy. That sucks.
facial steamer? is that like a moist sleep apnea mask that hisses?
The upside to laryngitis is that when your voice finally does come back, it’s really husky and sexy-sounding. So, see? You have something to look forward to!