Last Friday, I went to the doctor. Again. You see, I haven't gotten over the cold I contracted back in early December. It gets better, then worse, then better, then almost gone and then hits me again like a ton of bricks.
At this very moment, I am on the verge of another sickness regression. You know that tickle in the back of your throat? Yep… it's baaaaackkk…
I asked the doctor if there was a name for my illness and he said yes.
It's called "I-live-with-a-two-year-old-itis".
Or is it "there's-a-child-rubbing-her-snot-on-me-uenza"?
Or maybe it's "the-baby-coughed-in-my-face-again-osis".
I don't know. It's so hard to follow medical jargon, you know? But he did give me this helpful chart for visual reference:
I've never had laryngitis before and just like breaking my arm and having it in a cast for three months, it's not nearly as fun as I imagined it would be back in second grade.
Do you know what you're supposed to do if you lose your voice? You're not supposed to speak.
There is a small complication with the whole no-speaking thing and that would be the same damn two-year-old.
You can't read books, you can't yell "NO!" if the two-year-old is about to eat garbage off the city sidewalk and you most certainly can't yell the two-year-old's name if they suddenly escape a restaurant booth by ducking under the table and hightailing it straight into the kitchen.
You also can't yell your husband's name if you run out of soap in the shower which REALLY SUCKS.
For about two weeks, my voice was 100% gone. We're talking open-my-mouth-to-express-some-grave-parenting-injustice-and-nothing-comes-out-at-all GONE.
This is especially hard when taking phone calls.
MIKE: Hey, babe. I know I was just away on a business trip for three days and I promised I would be home tonight but they're having a going away party for this random guy in an entirely different department that only started five days ago and I really want to go, okay?
MIKE: Great! Don't wait up!
All joking aside, that two weeks was really hard because I felt totally disconnected from Mazzy. She didn't know what was happening. All she knew was that her mom wasn't talking to her.
I've since gotten my voice back about 70%, so I can speak but I still sound like crap. That's why The Mommy Shorts Show is on temporary hiatus.
My voice has been gone so long that my regular doctor referred me to an ENT who is a vocal specialist.
I saw him yesterday.
He put me on three different medications, set up sessions with a speech pathologist and recommended an allergy consultation.
Think that's a lot?
He also printed out a piece of paper that said this:
– Voice rest: No yelling, screaming or raised voice
– Use facial steamer for 5 minutes twice daily
– Drink at least two glasses of water three times a day
– Low acid diet: limit use of caffeine, chocolate and alcohol
Ummm… hello??? The only way to be a proper parent is with copious amounts of coffee and alcohol! And no chocolate?? How am I supposed to drown my sickness sorrows??
Plus. A word about the facial steamer. There is no way to play "words with friends" while you are using it. I checked. The best you can do is listen to a podcast or something which sounds terrifyingly close to meditating. And even if I—
Crap. I need a tissue.
Where are the tissues?
Who moved the tissues??
Seriously. WHERE ARE THE TISSUES?!
I am doomed.