Mazzy will be a year old on
Decmeber 9th. Which means,
this pumping thing is about to
come to an end. Pumping has
gone on for way longer than I
intended but for some reason I
have not been able to justify
enough of a reason to stop. If
breast pumping were a movie it
would be a cross between a total
horror show and the most boring
film you've ever seen in your life.
It would be a movie that never ends
but has some unknown endgame
that compels you to stay in the
theater feeling bitter until the lights
go on. In other words it would be
an M. Night Shyamalan movie.
Something like this…
THE BREAST PUMP
(Rated U for Unsexiest Thing You Have Ever seen)
Open on a woman seated at her desk. Her desk is amongst a sea of cubicles. She reaches down to touch a breast pump tote bag sitting at her feet as she slowly scans the office.
FADE TO BLACK.
SUPER: The Breast Pump
A Movie by M. Night Shyamalan
Fade up on the same woman at her desk. She picks up the breast pump and walks to the nearest room with a door.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC UNDER.
She opens the door. Inside are two people having a meeting. They look up at her, startled.
WOMAN: Sorry.
She closes the door and moves to another door. Opens it. A group of about ten people are inside watching a video presentation. They all turn to stare at her. She quickly shuts the door.
Cut to another door. Someone having a heated private conversation on his cell phone.
Another door. A couple on the desk caught in a compromising position.
Another door. Smurf village.
Cut to the woman opening one last door. It is empty except for a desk, a chair and a filing cabinet.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC STOPS.
Woman sighs with relief as she shuts the door behind her, sets her breast pump on the table, and sits in the chair. She gets out all of the various pieces and begins assembling the pump.
SHOW TIME PASSAGE WITH VARIOUS FADING IN AND OUT OF WOMAN STILL ASSSEMBLING. ASSEMBLING. ASSEMBLING.
Cut to close-up of apparatus finally fully assembled.
Camera pulls out to reveal woman looking horrifc wearing a strapless bra with her nipples sticking out, funnels and assorted tubing attached to each breast (this is what earned this flick it's U rating). Woman turns on pump.
Nothing happens.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC BEGINS AGAIN.
Woman looks down and realizes the pump is not plugged in.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC INTENSIFIES.
She scans the room. Nothing. Scans again.
She notices a sliver of an outlet peaking out from behind the filing cabinet on the other side of the desk.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC INTENSIFIES EVEN FURTHER.
The woman takes a deep breath. Shimmies the whole apparatus, the chair, the bottles, etc. over towards the plug.
She reaches for the outlet. The plug still won't reach.
She takes the entirety of the desk and pulls it over with her, snagging her stocking on the underside of the desk in the process.
Finally, she reaches the outlet and plugs in the pump.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC STOPS.
Close-up of the dial as she turns the pump on. Close-up of the woman's face as she winces at the first pump. Close-up of her watch as she notes the time.
The woman looks up as her face settles into a look of dulled ambivalence. She stares ahead focusing on nothing imparticular.
Suddenly her look changes into one of confused surprise and then quickly morphs into utter horror.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC RETURNS AT IT'S MOST INTENSE.
She screams.
WOMAN: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!
The camera switches to the woman's point of view and we see that the entire wall in front of her is made of glass.
Curious co-workers have stopped in their tracks and are staring back at her from the other side.
They look horrified.
CUT TO BLACK.
SUPER: A version of this scenario will repeat itself at least twice a day for the next 6-9 months.
THE END
Baaahahahahaa!
Yeah, hight time to let it go, woman.
Or start charging for the kink show!
My own contributions to the sequels would include: pumping on a runway-stranded plane using the flight attendant’s jumpseat and said attendant holding a flimsy airplane blanket so I could pump (there was only 1 bathroom in the rear of the plane), purell-ing an entire stall in Penn Station’s ACELA lounge; purell-ing an entire bathroom on the Acela; dismantling my pump for 8000 TSA agents to prove it wouldn’t blow anything up. Congrats on going as long as you have – and it is time to put it away.
My version includes pumping in the middle seat of an airplane with my 7-month old sleeping in the bassinet in front of me and two elderly men sitting on each side… I am going on 13 months now, and feel the same way about stopping – it is about time!
Oh my gaWd This is awesomely hilarious! I only breastfed for 2 weeks…long story and that pump was the most awkward thing ever. I couldn’t even imagine doing it at work.
oh god please tell me this isn’t based on a true story!!!
I could – I kid you not – pump in the car WHILE DRIVING.
Had the hook-up to the cigarette lighter, the poncho, the whole bit.
I also had an automatic, which made the deal.
But…I lived in fear of getting pulled over.
Never at any other time in my life have I been so courteous and law-abiding a driver.
Great post! I read it while pumping at work 🙂
Law-abiding— are you kidding?? What better way to get out of a ticket?! I would have been going 100mph all the home!
Also- IMPRESSIVE.
All true except for smurf village and not realizing it was a glass wall before setting up shop. Lucky for me, I worked in an ad agency at the time. I utilized many large pieces of presentation board in the most interesting of ways.
It was the BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. Although I did get major props from my mother who said, she would never have done it for me. THAT was a first.
Lovely. I’ve breastfed on a plane a number of times but never pumped. Sounds horrific.
I stopped last week. So far, it is world’s better. I did it before I went to bed at night. I used to think washing my face before bed was annoying. Pumping took the bedtime routine to a whole other level.
My goodness— It is amazing the things we will do to keep the breastfeeding up! I would go on commercial shoots where literally 10 guys on walkie-talkies would organize my pumping sessions between takes. I’ve pumped everywhere from a make-up trailer to a kid’s room of a random house we were shooting in. It’s called COMMITMENT.
I, too, pump on the way to work, and then back on the way home. I walk the school halls with my little black cooler, looking, searching for a place to store my milk for a few hours. My car, is a MESS, milk drippings all over the interior. But Im approaching 6 months, and it’s almost over… almost over… 🙂
Thanks for the laugh!
I was lucky enough to be a stay-at-home mom, and I never used a breast pump. Correction . . . I did use a breast pump during my older daughter’s first stretch in the NICU, but the nightmare quality of that period of time overshadowed any inconvenience of breast-pumping.
This story made me giggle, but it also made me very happy that I did not have to pump at work.
Ack!
me too!