Last week, the flu took us down. HARD. I have so many posts that were supposed to kick off the new year but now they are all backed up in my drafts folder, half-finished. The flu has taken over and I can think of nothing else. Finally yesterday morning, when I was feeling 85% better, I decided to get back in the game by writing a post about us having the flu. I’d make it a quick list post, just to let you guys know I was still alive. That quick list took me approximately 17 hours. Clearly, we are not out of the woods yet.

You know how in the movies, you think the bad guy is down for the count and then just when you turn your back, he rises again?THAT IS THIS YEAR’S STRAIN OF THE FLU.

15 Signs You Are Experiencing Flupocalypse 2018:

1. One hour after school drop-off, just as you’ve sat down at your desk at work, you get the dreaded phone call. It’s from the school nurse. Oh crap. She says your kid has a slight temperature. Can you pick her up?

2. You tell whoever necessary and hightail it to your kid’s school. When you find your kid lying down in the nurse’s office, you say (for everyone’s benefit), “Awwww, sweetie, if you were feeling sick, you should have told me this morning!” Then make sure to tell the nurse how she seemed totally fine when she left the house. Translation: Don’t blame me if she already spread her germs.

3. You bring her home. And then say with total and complete sympathy and not at all any alterior motives, “I’m so sorry you’re not feeling well, sweet pea. Do you just want to lay down in bed and take a nap?” She says no. Damnit. It was a good try.

4. You set her up on the couch and turn on the television. You get her a blanket, a box of tissues, give her some medicine to take down the fever, and ask her if there is anything else she needs. You decide to watch Enchanted together and snuggle on the couch the entire time. It’s actually really lovely. You might be falling behind on some work but you can catch up tomorrow. No big deal.

5. The movie ends. You both fall asleep. This is nice.

6. The next day your kid is sicker than the day before. You’d think this would mean that she’d sleep in, but nope! Up at the crack of dawn like always. You volunteer to stay home with her again because honestly? You kind of liked it and you might as well play the martyr.

7. You set her up in her spot on the couch and attempt to pick out a movie together again. She’s not interested. She wants her iPad. Fine. Maybe you’ll actually get something done. Nope. You watch the entirety of Black Mirror Season 4 with headphones plugged into your phone.

8. By the end of the week, she’s feeling much better. You know this because you’ve been checking her temperature approximately every ten minutes. But uh-oh, are you starting to feel sick? No. You’re imagining things. You send everyone to school, go to work, sit down at your desk and get your second dreaded phone call from the school nurse. It’s your other kid. She’s sick now too.

9. You tell whoever necessary, hightail it to the school, “Awww….sweetie, if you were feeling sick, you should have told me this morning!” Turn to the nurse, “I swear she seemed totally fine when we left the house.” You bring her home, set her up on the couch, turn on Enchanted, snuggle close. Wait. Did she turn off Enchanted and put on something else? Oh my god what is that mind-numbing song that keeps playing over and over again as if on a loop? Something about kids wearing masks and pajamas and fighting crime? Is every episode the same? How many has she watched? Where are their parents? Why do they let them out at night? What is happening? Am I delirious? How many hours have passed? Is it freezing in here or is that just me? No, it’s not freezing. This place is ON FIRE. What is happening????

10. Your husband comes home. You mumble something about going to lie down in the bedroom.

11. You wake up two days later in a pool of your own sweat. You feel absolutely awful and your mouth tastes disgusting, but at least you appear to be in your own bed. How you got there, you have no idea. You drag yourself out to brush your teeth and nearly scare yourself to death by looking in the mirror. You feel terrible and do the only thing you can think of to make yourself feel better. You weigh yourself. WOOHOO! That’s the least you’ve weighed since your wedding! You climb back in bed and then it hits you— where are your children? Is everyone okay? Is your husband at work? What happened? You text him.

Where is everyone?

In the living room.

Oh. You stayed home from work?

No. It’s the weekend.

It is? Are they okay?

Everyone is fine. STAY AWAY FROM US.

You happily oblige. Season One of Fauda is started and finished in no time.

12. After downing approximately 300 glasses of water, seventy cough drops, emptying five full boxes of tissues and completing ten episodes of Dear White People, you emerge from your bedroom. Your hair is matted into one solid piece in the back. Your clothes are damp with sweat. You’re pretty sure you have permanent indentations in your face from your pillows. Your kids stare at you like, “Uhhh, Mom? Perhaps you should lie back down?” You convince them that no, no, really, you are good! THIS is what “feeling better” looks like.

13. You take a shower to better convince everyone. Have dinner as a family. Become slightly obsessed with the Aziz Ansari controversy on Twitter. Wow. That one is polarizing. But. It’s all good! Everyone appears to be healthy! Tomorrow is a brand new day!

14. You wait for 24 fever-free hours to pass and then make a big announcement on social media: “Yay! We are all better!” You can’t wait to send everyone back to school and get back to— what was that thing again? Oh, yes. WORK. Let’s all get back to work.

15. That night, at 3am, you once again wake up in a puddle of your own sweat. Before you can drift back to sleep, you hear something in the distance. What’s that? Oh. It’s the cries of your children who are also simultaneously shivering and burning up. You check their temperatures. OH CRAP.

Awww, man… you spoke too soon. The Flupocalypse is not done with you yet.


UPDATE: Harlow and I stayed home one last day yesterday. Mazzy is completely recovered and Mike somehow managed to come out unscathed. Harlow returned to school today and I returned to the office. When I sat down to my computer, I got two texts. One from Ruth and one from Allie. They are both down for the count. Sorry, guys.

Who’s going through this too?