I find the holidays to be a tough time to be a good parent. Mostly because I try to walk this fine line between awing my kids with the magic of the season (Hanukkah presents, Christmas lights, chocolate gelt, gingerbread houses, etc.) while also making them appreciate how lucky they are for getting all that they do.
Being grateful as opposed to greedy appears to be tricky for my children to understand, and I admit, I have a hard time explaining it. Particularly since people throw presents at them left and right.
Mazzy got a ton of gifts both for Hanukkah and her birthday, which happened to be during Hanukkah this year. Let me tell you— having a kid on a major gift-giving holiday is not ideal. The amount of gifts she received bordered on obscene, making it impossible to stick to the “one present a night” Hanukkah rule. And the fact that my mother-in-law always buys Mazzy and Harlow eight gifts each (one for each night of Hanukah), which I forget every year until she hands them over. If my memory were in tact, I wouldn’t buy Mazzy and Harlow any Hanukkah gifts and just use the gifts from Grandma Toby, but I had already put time and thought into their gifts and it was too late.
Harlow got upset when she didn’t have as many gifts as Mazzy, which is annoying but understandable behavior from a three-year-old. What made me really lose it was when Mazzy got upset because she already owned one of her gifts.
“Mazzy, you have SO MUCH. You don’t need to love every gift. Just move on to the next one!”
After what I deemed an “unacceptable exchange,” I ended up taking away all her presents that night and said we would open them another night when her behavior improved.
You can imagine the meltdown that happened after that. She told me I ruined Hanukkah and her birthday which I guess I did. I think I would have taken away her presents entirely except I needed to open them to send out Thank You cards (which I still have not done).
When we had the family over on Mazzy’s actual birthday, Mike came down on the grandmas for giving our kids too many presents. He brought out the garbage bags full of still unopened gifts and said, “Everyone has to stop with the presents. They don’t appreciate any of it.” This made him sound like The Grinch, as opposed to what he is— a good dad trying really hard to instill some positive values in his kids.
This year, I planned to dedicate time to shopping with the girls for presents for the family so I could demonstrate the spirit of giving (as opposed to just getting), but life is busy and buying online after the kids went to bed or stopping somewhere on the way home from work was really the only way to fit in holiday shopping. So, unfortunately, the message got a little lost.
A few days into Hanukkah, I had this big talk with Mazzy about how she should appreciate her gifts and say “thank you” regardless of whether she liked them or not. Instead of being upset when she doesn’t like a present, I told her to be happy that we can add that to the pile of presents we’ll donate to kids who don’t get as many toys.
She understood and was on board.
Cut to later that evening, when we are opening gifts at our family Hanukkah party at my sister’s place (with more presents, mind you). Mazzy opened a gift from her great aunt and turned to me with this huge smile on her face. She then screamed proudly in front of everyone (including her aunt), “MOM! THIS WILL BE ONE OF THE GIFTS THAT WE DONATE!”
Well… it seemed like a good idea at the time. It’s a good thing her aunt has a good sense of humor.
We ended up donating a lot of gifts to Toys for Tots this year, including a bunch of gifts I had bought that just seemed like overkill. Whether my kids understood the meaning of dropping off wrapped toys in boxes at the front of their school (something that required very little effort on their part) I have no idea.
On top of the gift windfall, this year we decided to go on a family trip to Jamaica over Christmas break. We’re here now actually.
On the plane ride there, Mazzy started talking about what she what she would be getting for Christmas this year. We don’t usually celebrate Christmas but we did last year because we spent it with my dad and my stepmom (who is Catholic) at their house in Rhode Island.
It hadn’t occurred to me that Mazzy would expect to celebrate it again, because to me, that was an anomaly last year. But of course, to a six-year-old with a short term memory, this was just what people do on Christmas.
Why wouldn’t Santa visit when he visited last year?
So on my way to Jamaica (the biggest gift Mike and I could possibly give the kids), I found myself breaking the news to a distraught Mazzy that she would not be getting additional presents on Christmas. I felt both foolish that I didn’t think to explain this earlier and annoyed that Mazzy was now ungrateful for the trip.
I don’t have the answers, but I do know from talking to friends that I am not the only one struggling to teach my kids gratitude.
I will say that once we arrived, all thoughts of Santa and presents dissipated and everyone seems thrilled to be here.
Is it magical? Not entirely. We are staying in a house with friends (Little Miss Party’s family) and something was wrong with the place we booked so they gave us an upgrade to a pretty sizable villa.
It’s AMAZING, but it’s far from child proofed and the kids are slipping on tile and getting their fingers stuck in doors every time we turn our heads. Every kid has bloody burning feet from the bottom of the pool. There are stairs to worry about (Luke fell down twice) and an indoor/outdoor layout that makes vigilance a much larger theme to our trip than relaxation. We were in the ocean for two seconds before Gavin got bit by a jellyfish. Harlow is eating next to nothing and screaming her head off at night when it’s time to go to bed which is making it hard for the other kids to fall asleep. After Harlow finally passed out the first night, Mazzy came downstairs to complain about all the noise and it took me a few minutes to figure out that my city kid was referring to the crickets.
Meanwhile, the adults are all laughing about how in the world we ever imagined the trip might be anything resembling “vacation”.
We’re on day three and things have gotten a lot more under control as everyone gets acclimated to the space (and wears their pool shoes at all times).
I’m happy to say, we’re now having a great time (especially after ditching the kids at the Kid’s Club yesterday afternoon) and appreciating how lucky we are to be here.
More importantly, we’re hoping the kids take home fond memories. That they are grateful. That we’re not screwing them up by giving them things we didn’t have ourselves growing up. We’re trying to feel grateful ourselves.
Parenting is hard. Bringing up good people is even harder. Living up to the expectations of the holidays is impossible.
I hope we are doing an okay job.
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I’m writing this post as part of the #doingood campaign sponsored by Minute Maid, which acknowledges the self doubt many parents experience and lets us all know we are probably doing better than we think. As some one who experiences a healthy amount of self-doubt, I hope that’s true!
Giveaway: $250 Visa Gift Card from Minute Maid
Share a story of parental self-doubt in the comments below for a chance to win a $250 Visa gift card from Minute Maid. I’d love to hear how you struggle or manage the balance between giving and getting over the holidays.
You must be a Mommy Shorts subscriber to enter. I’ll pick one winner at random on January 4th!
Winner Update:
Congrats to Rachell Smith Bridwell!
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I have a lot of guilt, because even though we have told family many times, we don’t want gifts for our daughter and they we are adopting a family for the holidays instead of buying gifts for them, some still end up buying her a gift (and then of course looks like I am not reciprocating). First, shes only two and doesn’t really understand gifts in general, but my husband and I are the last on both sides of our family to have kids so the hand me downs are large in quantity so she already has a ton of toys. We put in place the only 3 gifts on Christmas but still worry a great deal about her being greedy. I can only imagine its going to get harder and harder as she gets older.
I don’t have a story of parental self-doubt, as I am not yet a parent, but I just had to write in praise of your writing Ilana. It is honest without being brutally harsh and self-deprecating and realistic while not pessimistic. You and Mike are doing a beautiful of making every effort to raise two balanced, compassionate girls. Kudos to y’all.
I agree 100% !!! Thank you for this post!
My son was born at 37 week by scheduled c-section. I was sick with HG the entire time & needed to have my gallbladder removed. I was sick & in pain 24/7, so when my dr said he could be born early, I was there. He was delivered perfectly! And then he had a hard time breathing.. And eating.. And all of the other minor issues associated with a pre-full term baby. He’s perfect now but those first few weeks were filled with doubt & guilt.
I’ve been privy to other people’s kids getting a toy for every museum trip and even receiving a “small toy” just for being in Target.
I started to feel bad because my son is close to these kids, so I asked him if he felt left out. He responded in the the best way a five year old could “You know mom, I need to have everything I want.” I am doing awesome!
Oh gosh! It should say “I don’t need to have everything I want” That really changed the message!!!
Arugh, I can sooooo relate. We haven’t figured out the grandparents thing yet, but I do like your idea of donating received gifts. Although, a bit late after Christmas. My struggle is my husband! He travels a lot and during the week, I do my best not to give on every whim especially getting so close to Christmas (knowing she will be bombarded with a plethora of toys, soon enough). On weekends, if we go out or to Target, she comes home with more stuff! Do we really need the $20 Frozen hot chocolate mugs gift set???!!! I really want to raise a thoughful, giving and grateful daughter, but when I say no, she knows dad will say yes (at 2.5).
As a social worker serving kids and families who have difficulties, I strive to be accepting of all. I do my best to help others as needed, and try to live a simpler life. My family makes that a little more difficult. My parents insist on buying my sisters and I plus our children all kinds of gifts. It’s ridiculous! The the guilt trips, “what do you mean you’re only giving the baby 3 gifts? You need more!” My daughter is just a few months shy of 2. The toys I have in the basement stored from consignment shops and hand-me downs were not good enough. So, out I went shopping but gifts for the toddler who has no idea what’s going on because I feel guilty that I’m not giving her enough and that it’s not new! I hear your struggle with trying to teach humility when you aren’t always surrounded by it. Thanks for the post! I read it after i made lists of what I got for everyone for Christmas to make sure it was enough!
I think you are doing a great job. It’s hard when you have young kids to teach them to be grateful, because they are so honest. Trust me, keep doing what you do and they will soon understand how to be grateful and graceful when receiving gifts. My oldest son is nine and he knows now how to be happy that anyone has gotten him anything, and ways to say thank you even if he doesn’t like it. Trust me he still needs to be reminded once in awhile to be thankful to US his parents.
We’ve also struggled with the desire to give them things we didn’t have, while trying to make sure they don’t come to expect certain things or take them for granted. Its hard when you grow up being always told no, we don’t have the money, you don’t want your kids to feel that, but then they start to expect a new toy every single time you go to Target, and you realize you’re on a slippery slope! My parents always made sure that our birthdays were when we got a good gift, and Christmas was always much more low key. We have continued that tradition ourselves, and I think it’s worked out fairly well.
Christmas time has started to bring slot of guilt. I want my kids to be grateful. They are almost 2 and 4 so it’s a tricky thing to try and explain but I think it’s necessary. I have a sister in law that likes to go way way way overboard at Christmas and then I’m the bad guy for trying to explain there’s no way they can appreciate all those toys or really even get the experience because they are little they are going to pick one or two favorites they play with a the rest sit there. It’s hard but it’s good to know others face the same things.
I have a hard time when my son watches TV and sees a toy that he wants and I tell him we don’t have it and he says “We go to store and just buy it.”. To him, it’s not a big deal to just go and get whatever you want whenever you want it because he sees his Dad and I do that. We are in a much better financial position than we have ever been and while we don’t go crazy buying things, we have worked hard to get to this point so we indulge ourselves and the boys. New shoes or clothes because I think they are cute not because they are necessary is my big weakness and I’m not even shipping for me but everyone else. I organized with family members to get items for refugee families in the area and my son couldn’t comprehend that some people don’t have anything, like gloves or socks that we take for granted let alone any gifts for the holidays. He has always had everything he needs and most of what he wants and trying to teach him the difference has been pretty hard as of late.
This year, having my second son and paying 2 childcares put us in the hole more than we expected by my oldest is 3 and expects presents. We did the best we could so my 3 year old didn’t feel the strain and tell everyone we couldn’t give him gifts. I wish I found a way to explain that life isn’t always about presents to him but let’s face it… You can’t reason with a 3 year old. Hopefully another year..
I am in the same boat as you. My daughters birthday is on December 23rd and between her party, the actual day, and Christmas plus the amount of gifts she gets from my mom and her aunts we spend a good two weeks of the month with a lot of tears about wanting a present. I feel like I am raising an extremely greedy child and I am unsure how to fix it! Not to mention, we are christian and because of the amount of gifts she gets she thinks Christmas is about presents. There is an insane amount of guilt every year in December and trying to figure out the best way to deal with it is hard!
I have 3 kids – ages 10,11 & 12. From what we can remember they have never seemed ungrateful for any gift they have received. We always make sure everyone at least gets the same amount of gifts. But, if one gets a Lego set & the other a movie they don’t compare.
This is the first year we have had an issue. We adopted families at work for the holidays, raised money & bought them presents. My youngest said “it’s not fair that just b/c they are poor they get nicer things then we do”… whoa there I don’t think so. So, we had a talk about how they might not get things throughout the year & this is extra special & also reminded them of how much nice stuff they really do have. The next day we had out first Christmas at my mom’s & the youngest was at it again. He was mad b/c his brother got something he wanted, mad that he didn’t get the right movie etc. Totally rude. We called him out on it & discussed it again. That you have to be grateful for everything you receive regardless of what it is!
At one moment you think you are doing a great job and teaching them to help others that may be in need and then they spin it on you and act totally out of line. It’s definitely hard to try and balance it all – to help them understand the meaning of giving and receiving. But, I’ve always said that parenting doesn’t come with a manual so we pretty much wing it the best we can! 🙂
One of the ways that I have used to help my kids get over the greedies is to get them involved in the thank you card writing. Before each gift is opened they need to acknowledge who the gift is from. If they don’t remember who the person is help them remember. Then when it comes time to write thank you cards get the kids involved. If they can write have them write them…if they can’t write well yet have them sign their name and pick out a special sticker to include in or on the card. I found that this helped them make the connection that we are grateful for everything. I also have them get their father a gift and gifts for each other, they help wrap and we discuss getting something for the sibling that they think they will enjoy…try to get them excited about their sibling opening the gift and how good it feels inside. I know it takes time that many don’t have but I can usually get the kids shopping done in one day and do mine online etc. I really hope that these ideas help as they have really worked in my home. The kids get really excited to get each other gifts.
This is a great suggestion! I do have my son help me choose gifts for other family members, and it does help him appreciate the thought that should go into giving and appreciate that others put similar effort into choosing gifts for him.
I am going to have him help with the thank yous this year, I think having a hands on project to focus on the giver of the gift and letting them know how much you appreciate it is a really good way to teach about being thankful. Thank you for this idea.
I have a lot of self-doubt with my second child. I feel that I don’t give him nearly as much attention as his older brother at this age, and I worry that he won’t be as smart or good in school as a result. I know this is super normal and common, but I still worry about it.
I struggle very hard with this. No matter what I do I feel my 8 year old daughter thinks she somehow is owed Christmas gifts. It’s just a general sense of entitlement. She doesn’t understand the value of money. No idea how hard it is for me as a single mom, well, even before I was single, to work and make enough money to adequately feed and clothe her, let alone buy her gifts. We are working really hard at changing this attitude, at both households. But I don’t think we are getting anywhere. So I love reading things like this so I know I’m not alone. Fist bump. I feel you.
Oh, the self doubt and guilt rolled into one big sheet of Phyllo Dough… 1995 was a bad year financially and if THAT wasn’t bad enough here comes the holidays…my daughter was a teen and presents were getting more and more expensive (think Sergio Valente jeans and Britania and the first wave of neon color) and I honestly was glad Christmas fell on a Monday. Maybe the check that I was going to bounce would wait till Wednesday…ugh.
The dinner..what to have for dinner. I was broke. Dead Ass Broke. No money for a turkey or the trimmings; I was bargaining with God and whatever Saint was on call that day. I decided to look in the freezer for money. Kidding. Who would put money in the freezer. I pawed thru the white freezer paper wrapped packages and found one marked ‘Pheasant’ …Great, just what I needed: a dinner with an Olde English Theme.
My daughter came down (to the dungeon) and asked what I was doing “Pheasant!” I remarked brightly.
“oh…no……” she sighed and slid down the wall she was leaning against. “we’re broke again, right”?
“No….pish! nothing like that…I’m cooking some of this old junk up for the dogs”
She went up stairs with a spring in her step and threw over her shoulder “I like sage stuffing and turkey, remember!”
I buried my head in the coat closet and cried that afternoon and wiped my tears on the sleeve of my spring jacket. In the pocket of that jacket was two twenty dollar bills and a five.
Turkey never tasted so good, and as God is my witness I never let myself get so broke that I could not have a nice nice nice meal.
I have a one year old and almost 3 year old, and we celebrate Hanukkah as a family, and Christmas with extended family as well. My son’s birthday is in December… so it is complete overload. We also struggle with the grandparents going completely overboard, and they think it’s hysterical! I have no clue if we are ruining them or not… and no clue how to stop the madness. Thanks for sharing.
You have said the thing that has been getting my anxious all year: the gifts. My in laws go all out, when I sit here wondering what else can I get? Am I doing alright if I get him a few things? Or, do I need to compensate for what she bought and show that we love him more….note: he’s not even 2 yet (which his birthday falls next month and I’m worried about the amount of gifts she will give for then as well).
And then I, too, become the grinch when I want to tell them “please, just get him a few things” or “can you not give him any gifts before the holidays?”. Then to get the look of ‘why are you saying that’, and think am i really crazy?
It worries me that we have the first grandson on both sides of our family and that he will get spoiled and know that he will get whatever he wants.
I feel the same as you “Parenting is hard. Bringing up good people is even harder. Living up to the expectations of the holidays is impossible.
I hope we are doing an okay job.”
We struggle with this also – December birthday and then Christmas not long after. Adding in shows, meals out etc, it is really hard to balance and also teach a 3 year old to be grateful because we are so lucky to have what we have. We just keep having the same conversations about being lucky with what we are given etc. i like the idea of donating to charity, will be using that from now on.
Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. Your girls will turn out just fine. Those peeping night creatures btw are tiny little tree frogs. Welcome to paradise even if it isn’t child-proofed. Irie Holidays.
We have a very limited income. I work outside the home and my husband stays home with our two small boys (2.5 and 1.5) and my step daughter (6) three nights a week. He occasionally gets side jobs that help, but it’s not reliable. We made the decision to have one of us be a stay at home parent because the cost of child care was astronomical and one of us would be working just to have our children watched by someone else. We are not perfect and we work very hard to instill good values in our children, even at a young age. However, our financial situation makes the holidays very tight. Usually, the kids get two gifts each (something small and something a little “bigger”) from us and then gifts from my parents (his are deceased). They get stockings with dollar store goodies and My husband and I may exchange small gifts to each other, but we usually go without so the kids can have a good Christmas. My step daughter likes to talk about all of the gifts she gets at her mother’s house (she has a larger income and fewer dependents). She talks about this to my oldest son and he’s just old enough to start to see the inequality. We have no control over what happens at her mohter’s hourse and we’ve talked about bragging and why it’s not appropriate and how we’re grateful for what we have because it’s still more than most, but I usually just end up feeling inadequate.
You’re not inadequate. As a child I didn’t really understand how our older sister always got more/the newest/the more deluxe version of everything. She is my stepsister through my stepfather and his parents adopted her as a baby for whatever reason I’ve never been privy to. But as I got a little older, maybe 10 or so, I realized what a struggle it was for my parents to provide for my little sister and I and I appreciated everything a whoooooole lot more. We never did without and I never remember a bad Christmas. Your kids will get it even if they don’t now. At 15 I got my first job just so I could start paying for my school clothes on my own. I even requested to get nothing for Christmas since then but obviously they didn’t listen… you’re doing fine to buy at all and putting your kids first. I am still sore over the time or two I cried for a toy in a store, not knowing my parents didn’t have the money to afford it and how that hurt them way more than me, who already had tons of toys..I could not have been more than 3 at the time and still remember that. or the time I was 8 and told my mom she never buys us anything. What a brat!!!! I grew out of it quickly.
We have been doing a book exchange for birthday parties: everyone brings a wrapped book, and everyone leaves with a book at the end! My daughter just turned 7, and we did this again and she asked me why we don’t do gifts (she sees all the other kids getting gifts for their birthdays). I explained about all the stuff we have, and that reading is much better than a plastic POC that will break! She went to a friend’s party recently and reported that the friend “just opened the presents and threw them to the side and didn’t seem very grateful.” Seems I might be getting through a little bit! We also just went through all of their toys and filled a large box to donate, and we buy stuff for the giving tree at our church: the girls help me shop for kids who actually NEED stuff like clothing and ask for very little.
My son is 17 months old, so aside from trying to teach him “please” and “thank you” the whole being grateful thing hasn’t exactly come into play yet. I’m embarrassed to say it wasn’t until I was a full on adult who owned a house and had a kid that I truly began to understand just how grateful I should have been for all my parents did for me throughout my life. It took having my son to realize just how much my parents love me, despite the fact that my parents tell me they love me every time they see or talk to me. What I’ve learned about parenting thus far is that it’s constantly shattering my perceptions of what I thought something would be like. And the guilt. So much guilt. I feel guilty that I only spend two hours a day with my son because I work full time. I feel guilty that my husband and I don’t get enough alone time. And then when we schedule a date I feel guilty for not spending that time with my son. I’m constantly second guessing my parenting, and now that we’re entering the tantrum stage it’s only gotten worse. The constant wondering of “Is this normal behavior?” is overwhelming. Pretty much the only thing I don’t question is that it’s all worth it. Seeing that little smile is all it takes to know we’re doing something right.
I have a lot of mom-guilt because I work in an office 4 days a week and from home a half-day on Friday. I know it’s what’s best for our family right now, but sometimes the guilt is gut wrenching, like today when my little guy was sleeping in after a late night up partying with his cousins for Christmas and I had to leave before he woke up. So I won’t see him and he won’t see me for almost 24 hours. It hurts. I question every day if I should just quit my job and we can try to live even more modestly on my husband’s salary. Add guilt about knowing that we have much, much more than many people do, and sometimes I just don’t know what to do, except be thankful. That got depressing fast….we’re all doing our best! Yay parents! Go us!
I really enjoyed reading this blog entry because it is so honest! You are in such a beautiful place and you could make it look so picture perfect, but instead you made it relatable to anyone, thank you!! I make an effort with my kids to focus on experiences instead of gifts. Yes they get a couple usually 2-3max from us for Christmas but mostly I outsource their lists to family and friends. Santa gets credit for the biggest gift. This years it’s bikes so we can ride together as a family. Each year I alternate between my kids birthdays (I have 2) one gets a party the other gets an experience. This has worked out really well for us. And we always do a big purge before an influx of presents, twice a year. Keeps things to a minimum. I also have my kids spend there own money at the dollar store to buy presents for loved ones, so far its working out. I’m frugal by nature and my kids seem to understand that. My daughter 4, has struggled with the gimmies so it is a constant discussion in our house, the bernstien bears book seems to help, also just talking about want vs. need.
Currently struggling with self doubt daily as the only way my 10 week old will sleep is while being held which results in his two year old sister being frequently ignored. Quickly learning that having two kids means that you’ll always be failing someone
It’s very hard when your little one doesn’t understand why you need to spend time with your newborn. But snuggle the older child whenever you can and remember that this is only a very short time and it will get better. As soon as your son is a little more independent it will be a relief for you.
We are really struggling this year as we just made a major move and our financial picture is not currently what it once was. It’s hard to explain to my 7 year old that there probably won’t be as many presents under the tree this year because of it. Her solution is, “Well, I’ll just ask Santa for it then,” which creates it’s own set of problems. It’s hard to get her to realize that she needs to consider others who won’t have ANY presents under the tree this year. We had her and her younger brother (2) help us pick out gifts for the Giving Tree family my office was helping with this year, and that seems to have helped, but it’s still hard when you’re trying to find that balance between greed and charity in young kids.
I got way too many gifts for my kids for Hanukah. I felt so guilty. But whatever they got was really educational besides for the American Girl dolls clothes. We couldn’t leave the store empty handed…..
My husband & I really tried to place an emphasis on giving this Xmas for our 2 & 3 year old…however I feel like we’re failing miserably when I look at all the gifts from grandparents & aunts & uncles under the tree. We started to open a present a day with the hope that the girls would appreciate & recognize who the gift was from if it wasn’t all on one day…it seemed to help a bit. We also donate many gifts after the celebration & our Christmas Day is super excessive as our oldest is a christmas baby. Another thing we try to do is suggest ‘experience’ gifts (a movie date with grandma or a membership to a local museum or a gift that inspires outdoor adventure or homemade gifts…our girls will be receiving a homemade kitchen out of cardboard this year) here’s hoping this year isn’t as overboard as last.
I loved reading this because I can truly relate! At this age, some parents will request a “donation” at birthday parties in lieu of a gift (i.e.: We’ve donated books to an organization that distributes them to underpriviledged schools and we’ve donated to St. Jude’s in honor of the birthday child). I love the idea. My family struggled growing up and we were often told “No, you can’t do this or have that. We can’t afford it”. It’s tough now not to give in to every little thing she wants because I want her to have and do all the things I wasn’t able to do as a child. I absolutely believe that all children really need is unconditional love. If a child is loved and feels loved, everything else is a bonus. If there is anything I don’t feel self doubt about, it’s how much I love my daughter and let her know that by my actions and words, not by giving her gifts:)
I hear ya.
We celebrate Hanukah in our house and Christmas with my husband’s family. (And this year add in a solstice celebration with some family that can’t make it for Christmas). I have a 4 year old and two year old. I’m struggling big time with being so annoyed at their expectation that everywhere we go this time of year they get presents. I’m struggling with how to explain to the family to please please please not do presents for both holidays, pick one, without sounding like an ungrateful control freak (because, as we all know, grandmas will do whatever they damn well please). I’m struggling with how annoyed the girls were when I told them that some nights we weren’t doing presents, just candles. And when one night we gave them their big present (an experience, which was a weekend with family at a hotel with a water park) they couldn’t understand how that was a present because there wasn’t something physical to open. I know these are ages and stages and it will get easier, but my single most important parenting priority is to raise grateful children and the past month has felt like a total failure.
Our oldest son was 4 last year and was really struggling with good behavior around Christmastime. He had been warned about being good so many times and heard about Santa’s naughty list so much to no avail. (This child also stumped us when he was two, in time out and we “called Santa” and he proceeded to pretend to call Santa and tell on Mommy.) We figured we needed to do something to make him think about his less than diserable behavior so we left a note on his present from Santa that said he was still on the naughty list so he would need to have three days with no time outs in a week to earn his gift or it would be returned to the North Pole. He wasn’t allowed to open it until he earned it, which he BARELY did. This year has been much better and he even talked about wanting to buy presents for kids whose parents can’t afford gifts so I like to think that something is starting to work with him. He still cries if we make him eat an apple that he decides he doesn’t want after asking for it but…progress.
it is so easy to buy toys for my daughter. Giving a kid a new toy is one of the funnest parts of being a parent. My daughter is the only niece and the only grandchild on my side of the family so we don’t even have to buy her anything for Christmas and she’ll still get a buttload of stuff. I’m thinking of having her collect a bunch of her old, gently used toys and donating them because she has so much and there are others who have so little.
That said, she is still the most generous child. She told me the other day that she wants to save up her advent calendar chocolates so she can share them with everyone who comes to visit on Christmas. So I guess we’re doing ok with her.
Oh I am so with Mazzy on the noisy sleepless nights thanks to crickets!!!
This year, my husband and I had a difference of opinion about equity in our two boys gifts. Our older son is 9 and wants significantly more expensive gifts than his 3 year old brother. I think the number of gifts is what will be obvious to the little (reinforced by your post, thanks) but their dad was concerned about monetary value. We compromised a bit, but it’s going to get trickier the older they get.
This post really hit home for me. I have a three year old who is the only grand child on both sides with divorced and remarried grandparents on both sides and lots of aunts and uncles as well. She is constantly getting gifts! Literally almost every time she sees one of them (which is a lot). I constantly struggle with it thinking that it’s “ruining” my daughter, but can’t find a polite way to tell them to stop. I’m so happy to hear I’m not the only one who struggles with this.
OMG… I doubt myself about every single thing I do as a parent! I have friends who have adopted five, six, seven kids from trauma backgrounds whose kids are beautifully behaved and grateful for almost everything… Whereas my bratskis are behavior time bombs with entitlement issues and I only have three of the little rugrats! I wonder if I’m not strict enough or too strict or not consistent enough or don’t… Well… You get the point. I think all parents question themselves… I think it’s part of the “Mom’s Curse” all of our moms place on us when we’re young and bratty ourselves. But the thing I love now is that more of us are starting to recognize the insecurities we all have and are actively trying to combat it by being super supportive of each other randomly! I think it’s because of moms like you who are showing us that it’s okay to have “real” moments because we ALL have them! So when my five year old demands a new 3DS again tomorrow, I’ll smile and tell him he can earn another quarter towards his purchase if he sweeps that living room and writes another thank you note (yeah… I’m a mean mom ha ha)!
I am guilty of the present overload, it’s hard not to go overboard. When you add extended family in the mix too, it gets crazy. One way I work with my kids is to have them volunteer with me. I think serving others, is the best way to teach our kids to have a heart for their fellow man. It’s all about getting our kids out of their bubbles and exposing them to how other people live.
Like you I worry about spooling our kids. So far I don’t think I’ve found a balance yet. Still a work in progress. My kids are still young, one and five, and they don’t seem to be greedy, although they aren’t exactly grateful either.
My husband and I are guilty of often letting our only child win games. We’ve done this all his life — from board games, to basketball and “last one upstairs is a rotten egg.” He is SUPER sensitive to losing games, and tears generally flow. We want him to “be happy” and enjoy himself and didn’t really see harm in this. However, he has some (comparatively minor) disabilities that have his balance, coordination and motor planning behind othe children his age. Due to these differences, he rarely legitimately wins a game — never scores a goal in sports, makes a touchdown, etc. and has a hard time moving quickly when playing video games. We are trying (at 7YO) to teach him that you can’t win everything. That tears are not the answer and you have to practice hard to improve, we’ve gotten better at not letting him win them all…but sometimes it’s so much easier to let him win rather than deal with the whining. It’s also a struggle to keep his confidence up while not just giving in.
Not sure if it’s something that would help/interest you, but we like co operative board games. Either everyone wins or everyone loses. We love Pandemic (10 and up) and Amazon has a good selection.
You will succeed, just do your best!
Thank you for once again speaking from a place most of us can really relate. We want to give our kids the world but we don’t want to make them feel entitled. I recently had one of those moments when my mini me was facetiming with her cousin. She casually mentioned her cousin taking dance class and I explained that the cousin doesn’t take dance and that everyone doesn’t have the opportunity to take classes like she does. Like your Harlow she is a toddlerteen. She will be three next month. To her it was unimaginable that someone would not be able to take classes when she complains weekly about having to go (until she gets there and starts playing with her friends). I work really hard so she can have experiences I didn’t have but I worry at times that by giving her so much am I setting her up to be a brat. I try to find balance. We regularly choose toys and clothes to donate together but I do see her shy away from these activities at times. Hoping to find a balance somewhere along the way.
It’s very difficult to navigate between gratitude and greed as a parent. But realistically I truly believe it just comes naturally to some and can’t necessarily be taught. I have 3 children (17, 12, & 11) and each is so different in this regard yet I’ve treated them the same over the years. I told my oldest at 5 that Santa wasn’t real because his greed was out of hand and I wanted him to respect the fact I was working hard to give him things. My middle son always has and still only asks for sweet, intangible things like a “fun day with his family” and my youngest saves her money to buy gifts for others. But also has her own mile long wish list. I don’t think I’ve done anything differently with them, it’s just who they are at their core.
Yours are still young and are figuring life out. Eventually you’ll start to see those giving characteristics that warm your heart. Or, maybe you have two like my oldest son – not big on generosity or selflessness but strong, determined, and courageous. The world needs all kinds of people.
We had our first of three Christmas family gatherings this past weekend. There were so many gifts that by the end of the day we still hadn’t opened them all. Our kids (4 and 2) were overwhelmed and ungrateful because it was simply too much. And there are still two more “gift days” to come. It’s the complete opposite of what the holidays is supposed to be.
My husband and I have talked about this problem and what to do, since it’s an ongoing problem throughout the year. When our older son receives a card in the mail, he immediately asks, “Is there money in it?”. When a relative comes to visit, he’ll ask, “What did you bring me?”. We’re talking to him about the “present” being the nice thought that person had to come visit/send a card, and hopefully over time it will sink in.
As for family, I feel they’re harder to get through to than he is! I’ve said to my parents, “I want them to be excited to see YOU, not the gift you have in your hand”, but I’m talking to a brick wall. I feel bad because I know they just want the kids to be happy, but why can’t they see that they’re hurting them in the long run?
It’s hard. This year, my kids are definitely getting spoiled, but I really had very little money for their birthdays this year, so I feel okay about it. It’s basically assuaging the mom guilt that I have over not providing a really awesome birthday. However, having said that, I do feel like they are getting more than they need, FOR SURE when there are so many without.
In the past few years, both of my kids (9 & 13) have spent their own money, to buy each other presents, and this makes me really happy. This is money that they’ve earned, or birthday money that they’ve saved. ie: I’m not giving them money to do it, and I don’t tell them to do it.
They are definitely really grateful kids, but sometimes I have guilt… like – am I preaching ‘be grateful’ too much, and this is why?
So, obviously, mom guilt is going to show up everywhere, and anywhere. no matter what you do… right?
My kids are a older than your kids but I do remember the years when it felt like they had to much from family and friends. We started a tradition of purchasing gifts for a needy child in their age group. During the year my kids do chores to earn money to put towards their purchases. For every dollar they earn they put half away. This also includes any money they get for birthdays. This helps them realize how hard it is to earn enough for one small gift. As far as family goes there is no way to stop people from wanting to give to your kids. We try to start talking to granparents,aunts and uncles into buying smaller gifts or buying a large gift as a group. The best thing we have done is to show our kids just how much things really cost. This makes them grateful for the things they do get.it never gets easier but each year we just try to make them appreciate what they have.
I totally feel you on this one. This year I actually sent out a FB message to my entire family (after agonizing for days over whether or not I should) asking them to get gifts that were either educational (puzzles, books, etc) or experiences (zoo pass, etc) because as much as I appreciate them loving on my kids by getting them wonderful gifts, my two year old only plays with a small percentage of the things she has and our small home cannot accommodate one more stuffed animal that gets ignored!!
The struggle is very real! I wrote a post about giving families trips and experiences rather than gifts and wish my daughter would only get these types of gifts. Her b-day is late fall and we still have unopened gifts from that. Her Chanukah gifts are half-opened and we are about to visit my in-laws where she will get more holiday gifts. Its too much and I hate the way she expects new gifts at every turn. We did donate holiday gifts thru her school this year but I would love an oppty for her to visit an orphanage or foster home or somehow give these kids gifts in person. If you can set it up Ilana, my six year old and I will be there with bags of presents!!!
Thank you for this post! I have been dealing with this with our 7 year old daughter. She has literally been counting presents and tears through each just to get to the next, seemingly without even registering the last. We sat down today and talked about gratitude and all the things we have to be thankful for. The list started with physical items – shoes, toys, jewelry… then we were able to move on to why we were so very blessed – health, family, safety, our own house… What started as a good exercise for her became equally useful for Mom as well.
Hope you have a wonderful and well deserved vacation.
My current problem with parental self doubt is trying to decide if we should have another child. Our family is in a good place right now–which makes it even harder. I feel like we’re ready to add another person to the family, but am scared how it will change our whole dynamic. I worry that adding a new baby will ruin what we’ve got going, and I worry that if we don’t have another child that we’re missing out on raising a wonderful person who will bring happiness to our family.
Over the past year between potty training and random small purchases at the store my son has become a “prize” monster. I wanted to reward him for good behavior and helping so I did, but now he always expects things. I’ve been cutting back on the rewards but it has led to tantrums. I’m not bothered by the public tears but I do get a lot of judgemental looks. I try to ignore them because raising a good person is more important to me than stopping all the fits. It’s creating a lot of guilt for accidentally making him entitled and also for looking mean when if won’t let him get his way. I’m hoping to find and happy balance in 2016.
You have your answer in your post 🙂 Less presents, more adventures ! Not necessarily a huge trip or trip at all. But just give your time and attention to your children. Do things with them. Make projects. Help them to have goals and to create. Have memories instead of accumulating stuff. Same for grandparents and other family members. They want to spoil the kids ? Okay, then let’s them do something with them. 8 presents could be turn into 8 special moments. Like this day volunteering, this day donating, this day helping to clean up something, and another to pay coffee for the libratarian, etc. That is just my two cents of thought and what I am trying to do with my son.
so many ads and scripts on this page, my browser could barely cope…. took me a long time to get this far, and frankly dont care to post anymore my original thoughts… will be blocking this site…
I could so relate to your post. I have 2 boys, both born in December, and we celebrate Christmas. It’s hard to instill a sense of gratitude in them – they both seem to have an innate sense of entitlement. We’re working on it. 🙂 I had to relay this story, though, when the older one was maybe 4, for various reasons he got a gift almost each day in December (a family party, a friend party, visitors who brought gifts, for both his birthday and Christmas). After Christmas, a friend came to our house, and upon entering, my son DEMANDED his gift from this person. After all, over the previous three weeks, nobody came without one. It was so embarrassing! I thought for sure I was raising a greedy monster. However, it’s just being 4. On several birthdays, we have asked his friends to bring a donation to Toys for Tots instead of a gift for the birthday boy. It’s one way to try to strike a balance, and keep from present overload.
My daughter, our second child, was born in July when her brother was 22 months old. She is amazing but a bit more needy than our son ever was as an infant. While my son adores her more than I EVER thought possible, I sometimes feel guilty when I am short with him or get frustrated more easily because I am more tired and stressed with the addition of a needy baby. I know this short time will pass before I know it but I hope I’m not missing good times with him because my fuse is shorter some days.
As far as greed and gifts…since moving two hours from my in laws last August, my mother in law has gifts for my son (and now my daughter) almost every time we see her, which is typically every 4-6 weeks. It hasn’t become a problem yet but I hope it doesn’t turn into something the kids expect. My kids are SO fortunate to have two sets of adoring grandparents but it can get overwhelming sometimes. (The grandmas sometimes get competitive)
One thing I have learned to do while at the store is, I let him choose a toy to play with while we are there but it is understood that it is not coming home with us. If we do but something I try not to let him play with it in the store so he doesn’t ever expect to buy one of the toys he is playing with in the cart. So far that has worked really well for us.
Oh man, what day doesn’t bring niggling doubts… Is he eating enough? Eating good? Do I resort to handing him the iPad/phone too often for selfish reasons? I have to just remind myself that everyone wonders if they’re selling right, and I just have to keep muddling…
This year brought on a whole new level of parenting doubt. As a family we decided to do less presents and adopt a family with the saved money. Great, right? Well…the family we were paired with had three kids and two adults. The dad asked for golf shoes, a collectors edition did set and a gaming remote. The wife wanted a glass bowl for her kitchen aid and a very specific (included website) King bedspread. The kids “needs” we’re expensive shoes, an iPad case, Xbox games, ionic hair straightener, north face puffer coat, etc. In anticipation of getting our list I had started explaining to my kids that when people don’t have a lot, their wish list will be more needs than wants, but that we would make sure to throw in a couple of extras to make sure the kids got some fun surprises. After I got the list I called the organization to complain and they apologized and said I was welcome to reject the list. That didn’t seem right bc I don’t know if the parents were responsible for the ridiculous list and the kids really did need stuff. So we bought from the kids list and gave gift cards to grocery/big box stores for the adults. so basically I exposed my kids to greed of a whole higher sort…and I’m not sure how to explain further to them.
I teared up while reading this because I can relate so much.
Your total honesty and not sugar coating your life is what makes me still come back to your blog every single day. We are also struggling with our son on how to instill gratitude/thankfulness…and it makes it hard when he gets piles upon piles of presents for Christmas. I have been telling him how he needs to say thank you and give hugs for every present…and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that he remembers our agreement on Christmas Eve with my husband’s family and Christmas day with my family. He also has a really hard time letting go of old toys…it’s not easy.
Thank you again for being REAL. That’s what keeps me coming back to your blog.
So much doubting myself as a parent! Every day it feels like. My kids are almost 7 years apart in age and it’s so hard to balance their individual needs with reality. My oldest plays competitive soccer and that’s a big time commitment. The youngest has some mild special needs and it can be hard to bring her to all day tournaments that are out of town. The youngest hasn’t done all the classes (dance, gymnastics, music) that the older one did at the same age. Am I depriving her of something that she will resent later? The youngest has some pretty significant sensory issues and there are many times we avoid outings that will overwhelm her and make the outings more stressful than they are worth. Will the older one resent us for choosing our sanity over a day at the arcade? My work schedule is changing soon and I’m worried about how to get my kids to doctor and therapy appointments, should I quit my job? But we can’t afford to be a 1 income family. But is it wrong for me to put my job before the appointments (that we can’t afford if I’m not working)? We have friends who do week long vacations to Hawaii, Mexico, Europe, etc with their kids. My oldest wants to know why we don’t do the same. Do I tell her the truth (we just can’t afford it), or sugar coat it (isn’t spending time visiting family more fun), or guilt trip her (we can’t afford it because of all the activities you do)? I admit we have gone the guilt trip route a few times when she’s been especially ungrateful. The parental doubt is never ending. But the parents wonder about these things are the ones doing the great jobs. It’s tough to balance it all!
This is such a great post – it is such a fine line. My kids are my mother-in-law’s only grandchildren and she loves to spoil them. She comes to stay bearing a suitcase full of gifts even on non-holiday visits. It drives me mad. The stuff has little to no educational value and nearly always makes noise. She’s trying to tell them she was thinking of them even though she’s far away, but it is such a waste of money. One time the first thing my eldest said was “hey Grandma what did you bring me?” at which point I put a stop to the presents. I think she understood…. he now greets her with a hug and a story about stuff he has been doing!
We always work on little “generosity” acts of kindness through December to counter-balance the cultural consumerism. I want them to have things they love, but like you, it’s being surrounded by people they love that is more important this time of year. My parents took each of the kids to a show and out for a special treat in the city last year – one at a time – which I loved as a gift and the kids still talk about it. Other members of the family are much more about the size of gift than the quality time and get offended when we suggest it so we have to go with it sometimes…
Like you we have always tried to ensure that there is an attitude of passing on in our home. My son has ALWAYS donated or regifted dinosaur presents as he has never enjoyed them. There are various charity projects we worked on too.
It’s hard though. We do try to talk about the wider world in terms of how much we have compared to others (as compared to their friends we are often “found wanting” by our kids) but balancing the reality of the situations globally for inquisitive kids can be a challenge!
I love how real this is for so many people and it has been so interesting reading all the comments! I guess the intention and values from a parental point is half the battle…. (she says, hoping very hard!)
I’m finally starting to see some progress with my 8 year old. He does get the gimmes but is starting to understand that things cost mone and people have to work to make money. He wants to give money to the people on the street corners holding signs. He stopped believing in Santa last year, sniff, so knows that Christmas is coming from my hard work.
His brothers aren’t there yet. Everytime we go to the store, they expect a toy and pout when they don’t get one. Grandma does but I rarely do, it’s a nice surprise when I do. One will pout when he gets a rootbeer because it’s not a rootbeer float. It’s frustrating.
But my thing has always been, if you pout when you get something special, it gets taken away. Toys go into toy jail until they do something generous and nice on their own for someone without being asked. Like helping carry groceries in for the neighbor. Treats go back in the fridge. They don’t need a new toy or treat. Those are special things I tell them. They have a home, food, safety and clean clothes and bodies and their own beds. They have a lot of toys and clothes. I tell them some kids don’t even have a bed to sleep in, food to eat, a bathroom to use and wash up in or medicine when they’re sick. I tell them they are very lucky boys.
I tell them You Get What You Get and You Don’t Throw a Fit. You find something nice about what you’re gifted, even if you don’t like it, the fact is someone loved and cared enough to get it for you. So you say thank you.
It’s something I have to do everytime they get something and pout about or before Holidays and birthdays. I’ll keep doing it until they get it. And they will.
Sometimes I need reminding myself to appreciate what I have.
My kids and husband are totally onboard with the notion of frequently going through our toys, books, clothes and donating what we don’t like, use or need. Where I have guilt is over the people who gave them to us. My mother found a box marked donations which had several items she had gifted to my girls and got very upset and cried. I had spent time with my daughter discussing what we could give to little girls who don’t have anything and let her pick the items so it was very discouraging that my mom got so upset over it when I felt like I was teaching my daughter a good lesson. We are minimalist people and the strain of owning too much can is stressful, but now I hold onto things for fear of hurting someone. Also now my mom checks up on me and asks about the gifts she gave us to make sure we didn’t get rid of them. Thankfully she has made sure to be careful about the gifts she buys now. It’s so hard, because her hurt was understandable. It’s so hard to know what the right thing is to do.
It’s such a fine line,but we’re trying to instill gratitude. My 15 yr old daughter has anxiety and a worrying nature. I’m throwing her little sister a 2nd birthday party on the 26th (yes,c section baby the day after Christmas ). Suggested my oldest invite a friend since they are on break and I’ll cook enough for a army. She’s worried about showing off her gifts would look like bragging. We’re far from rich, but between our family and her father’s she gets quite a haul including a MacBook and Beats headphones from her dad this year. Now to hope my almost 2 yr old can appreciate 2 days full of gifts and attention since she is the baby of the family and prone to drama.
We are raising our kids in much more comfortable circumstances than we grew up, and it’s a constant worry of ours that our kids will not value what they have. I’ve been reading The Opposite of Spoiled, by Ron Lieber, which gives a lot of great ideas about how to instill both good money sense but also a sense of generosity. Your girls are a bit younger than mine, but not much — you might find it insightful as you keep thinking about these things.
We’re all sick. Stomach flu for my husband and me, throat infection for our kid. I’m panicking because my kid might spend his first Christmas in a germ-infested vomitorium.
I am not reading the rules so am not sure if eligible to enter as am Canadian, but that is OK – my comment can be reinforcing the spirit of giving rather than getting 😉 lol.
Anyway – for teaching that the holidays are as much about giving as getting, I will share my favourite tradition. A big problem with shopping with little kids is having to keep telling them “No” if they want things that are too expensive, or unrealistic, or not appropriate etc. Not for themselves, I mean when you take them to shop for others especially adults. So although I am no genius, I did have a genius moment when my first was around 2.5 years old. I took her to the Dollarstore to pick out things for her Dad, then he did the same with her at a later time for me. But the key is (besides making sure she was well fed and rested and in a good mood lol), she had to say WHY she was choosing what she did. The reasoning was, this way she was using thought, but with it being Dollarstore gifts we never said no as who the heck cares?
It was the BEST tradition ever!!! We continued on with her, then added in her younger sister once old enough. The notes are what make it absolutely priceless. Until old enough to write, we would transcribe her thoughts for her, and it went between hilarious to touching. My favourite moment ever was – I am no super-model, and OK with it, but what woman doesn’t waffle in self-esteem? – when she gave me a mirror with the note “So Mommy can always see how beautiful she is”. I may have broken out into a not-so-beautiful ugly cry over that. Not because I need her to raise my self-esteem, I don’t talk like that in front of them as am very conscientious of raising girls – but because it showed how SHE felt about ME. Dollarstore mirror + note became priceless! And also there are super-funny moments too, like when she bought me wrapping paper for sending things via mail “So Mommy can wrap and mail things to people. Like fish!” (note: I do not fish nor have I ever sent anyone fish via mail! lol!!!!).
I found the best age range for this tradition is 2-6 years old. But I highly recommend it, not only for the above but honestly, the kids were SO PROUD to give us their gifts! They honestly enjoy that just as much if not more than their own (evidenced by they want to give us ours and are eagerly watching us open, than open their own unwrapped gifts). And this year, my now 12 year old took her little sister under her wing, used her own money, and proudly bought her dad and I presents at a “real” store. Be still my heart …
OK, sorry for novel, but this is my gift for all of you because I sincerely think if you start this tradition, will love it (and also maybe I am a little nostalgic now that we are aging out of it, lol) 🙂
I really felt for you, Ilana, as I read this because your friends are right, you’re not the only parent to struggle in this area of teaching your kids gratitude. I’m especially conscious of this this year because my boy is 5 and is really able to understand bigger concepts. This year he donated a toy to a boy as part of his school’s charity program, but I’m not sure he quite gets it. Guess we’ll see at Christmas as he’s opening gifts. See if he truly understands to be grateful, no matter the gift. Nevertheless, if he doesn’t get enough iPad time or TV time or is “bored” while we’re on-travel, then he starts complaining he doesn’t have enough of anything. Those are the times that are the toughest since they happen more frequently than just on Christmas morning. *Sigh*, so hard! I just hope over-time, he gets it more and more.
This is only my son’s second Christmas and after all of the over giving by my well meaning family last year I limited everyone’s gifts to just one. If you’d like to buy for the baby, fine, one thing, either toys or clothes not both. Last year after Christmas I gave away half of his presents. I felt guilty for sending away presents that other people bought for him with their hard earned money. But it was gluttonous.
Parental doubt: oh the choices are endless for me! My biggest moments of parental doubt occur when I’m stuck at work and miss out on spending time with my 3-year-old. I work full time in a job I enjoy and I struggle every day with whether I’m making the right choice for my family. Most days I say “yes” but there are definitely days when the trade-offs don’t seem worth it. I try to get over it by spending as much quality time in the evenings and weekends with my son as possible and enjoying some of the privileges that my extra income allows us.
This is the first year we are really struggling with the over-buying of Christmas gifts. I think you are handling it very well!
I really loved this post. Our kids are small and we aren’t there yet on “expecting gifts” but I am struggling with how to tell my MIL not to spend so much (more than Santa!) I want my kids to have an amazing Christmas and have the magic but it’s hard to get away from the “stuff” part of it. Happy Holidays!
At the age of 21, I am an extremely young mother to my daughter, 6. I am constantly filled with self-doubt! Being the only child, it is so easy for myself, my husband, and our parents to spoil her (she is the only grandchild). I feel that we’re always telling her ‘yes’ and when I do say no, I feel so guilty that I end up changing my mind. I am a senior in college and find myself worrying if I’m doing the right things. I run around during the day with my school and and spend as much of the evenings and weekends with her. I always wonder if she will grow up resenting me for not being there enough. I never make class field trips or have time to volunteer to read to the class and I occasionally have to miss a soccer game. I just hope she can see how hard I’ve worked to provide her with everything once she’s older.
Well this year I’m totally spoiling my kids, I can’t seem to stop buying for them! My husband is deployed so it’s our first Christmas without him, I just hope they don’t get used to it, because it really was mommy guilt that led to all the present buying! and I have the same problem, my kids birthdays are right AFTER Christmas, so it is present upon present upon present. I’m just hoping to make it through this year!
I am constantly struggling with the over-gifting that happens and is expected in our family. When I explain to family that no, my 2-year-old does not need a big birthday party because she doesn’t really have her own friends and needs nothing in terms of gifts, I definitely get sideways looks. We also do not buy many Hanukkah gifts for our girls because we know they will get too many from everyone else.
My kids are still really young, but I read a post on Kveller this year that I saved for future reference. Basically, the author has a “theme” for each night: “Something you want; something you need; something to wear; something to read; something to see; something to spare; something to cook; something to share.” – Here’s a link to the post: http://www.kveller.com/how-do-i-make-hanukkah-fun-without-forgetting-the-meaning/. And a friend also told me that for one of the nights, she asked her sons to pick toys they no longer use to donate to less-fortunate families (this sounds like something you’re already doing), and I love this idea, too.
This. This is the most honest post I’ve read from you in a while. (I mean that in the best way). Really great, raw, and honest.
I have 2 kids, 7 and 4. We all struggle with whether or not we are teaching our kids the best, it’s hard to have them be appreciative when there is just SO MUCH at their disposal.
But this past August my grandfather passed away unexpectedly. The whole family was unable to make the 7 hour trip but I was. My 7 year old son insisted on joining me, knowing he was going to miss his best friend’s birthday party, because “this is more important mom”. And the love and hugs he showed to my grandmother when we were there was beyond amazing.
And that’s how you know.
Shoot, I forgot to sign it ‘your Rocket Scientist friend’.
I can relate on so many levels. My daughter is the only grandchild on both sides of the family and she is always receiving stuff. My brother joked that he will have to rent a U-haul truck to bring her all the gifts everyone is sending her. It doesn’t help that her birthday is two weeks after Christmas so she will again be receiving a crap load of gifts. We donate some stuff, we hand down some stuff but she’s still left with more than she could possibly need and I also wonder if she will grow up to expect things rather than appreciate them.
Since my immediate family all live on the west coast now and I am still outside Boston, where we grew up, I find myself planning extra activities when they come into town so they can interact with our three kids. If not, they would sit around our house and be on their smartphones. I want my kids to have memories of their aunts and uncles and grandparents. Especially since our three kids are the only kids on my side and my husband’s side. But its exhausting on top of all the usual holiday planning. My husband says its not my responsibility and to be leave it be. But we see them 1-2 times a year and I become full of guilt that my kids know his family so much better than mine.
I just wanted to do something simple. Nothing too Pinteresty, just something to mark the passage of time and give that memento to my parents and sister. My daughter Zoe turns one tomorrow, Christmas Eve, so thus morning I thought I’d make some salt dough handprints “real quick.” Actually, it’d be the second batch since the first batch turned out only ok and I sent the best ones to my in laws across the country. Well, I didn’t realize that touching dough is the equivalent to water boarding to Zoe and it took all my willpower to block out her screams as I gently pressed her hands into the dough. I felt like the worst parent. Isn’t this a something every kid has? (By the way I can’t see what I’m typing here on my phone as I nurse my daughter through her nap today, the only way to get her to sleep, because there an effing best foods ad right over where I’m typing) anyway, not only couldn’t I make this simple craft, Zoe threw a huge ball of dough in the floor,, which the dog ate and promptly vomited all over the carpet. So yeah, the holidays aren’t very magical around here this year.
My son was diagnosed with general anxiety order at the beginning of the year. Today I had him at a doctors appointment to check dosage on his medication. The doctor talks to him first and then brings me in at the end. I thought he was doing fine until I heard differently. I had to tell the doctor that he may be really good at hiding the anxiety or I just have been too busy to notice. Who doesn’t notice an anxious child? This mom
I’m 23 and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and panic disorder at about 15ish. My mom only found out last year because I had a panic attack so bad, it lasted about an hour. She found me panicking and thought I was dying. I never wanted her to know, because it scared the crap out of her. I didn’t want her to worry, because most of the time, it’s managable. But also, the thought of my mom worrying that much over me was making me anxious. So I mean. Maybe you don’t notice that your kid is anxious; my mom didn’t. But it wasn’t for lack of trying or because she was a shitty parent. Sometimes the anxiety wins, and you just don’t want anyone to know.
You poor thing. I work with kids with a range of needs, and the ones that are the most loving are often the ones that hide it so well. I find a huge connection between empathy and not letting anyone know how they feel because they are so worried about hurting them! It’s very possible your son has been hiding it from you semi deliberatley. Keep going, one day at a time.
My children have always been very appreciative of all gifts they get. Very well behaved, sweet children. They are not depraved in any way. But, are also not overly spoiled?? Yes, they are
We have never had to coach them in how to act when receiving gift. Not sure why. Although getting them to say thank you is a chore. For them to verbalized the words is a constant reminder that will eventually pay off.
Our family used to celebrate the traditional throwing gifts at your kids holiday known as Christmas. The kids ended up with so much stuff after Mom and Dad, two Grandmas’ houses, plus mail gifts from distant relatives that it was a chore to fit them all in the house. Many would break right off the bat, and several others doomed to be forgotten in the bottom of some toy chest only to emerge as a master disastser on the occassion when other children visit. What a nightmare. Then there’s the negotiating which toys and belongings to thin out in pre-Christmas preparations. Finally we had had enough. We decided to stop the madness. We decided to let the kids choose between a holiday adventure (vacation) or the usual toys and stuff. They chose (without hesitation) the vacation. That year we went to California (we’re Oregonians) and did several attractions, stayed on the beach, etc., etc. This year, the children again chose without hesitation another family vacation. We did a four night retreat at a snowy cabin and have just returned. We do give the kids one big “Santa” gift and one or two very small, but thoughtful, Mom and Dad gifts. They still get the Grandma’s gifts and the mail gifts, but they exhibit a genuine appreciation of the family time and the memories. We spend time designing keepsakes with our photos from the trip and re-living some of those memories. We also share our photos with family and friends. I’m really proud of my children, they have adopted fun having in the place of gift getting for their birthdays too, on their request. I worry when they get back to friends at school that someone will have a new phone or some other highly coveted item that will take some of the joy out of our family time and place more emphasis on material goods. However, it is a few years running now and when it’s time to choose, they keep choosing the time, the adventure, the memories. My daughter this year had a difficult time making out a wish list for Santa because she said that she already has everything that she needs and is not sure what else she would want to ask for. That’s an amazing feeling to hear from your babies!
Funny that I just posted about this issue on FB today. I am a single mom and have 2 girls 12 and 5. This year they each gave me their christmas list for Santa. I thought this would be a good way to get ideas about what they wanted. But as it turned out they were expecting, not wishing to get the gifts on their list. As it turned out I had already purchased many of the items they had put on their list even before I received them. Since receiving the lists they have been commenting on the list and expecting to see those items under the tree on Christmas morning. This has taken all of the magic away. And it makes me feel that that are very ungrateful. I have always taught them the true meaning of the season. Each year I ask them to choose 5 of their toy to give to good will. I know that the girls do appreciate what they have. But it is the commercialism of the Holiday that puts these thoughts into their head. I have decided to not ask for christmas lists anymore. And hope that they will embrace the gifts that they are given as a symbol of love and thoughtfulness. If anyone finds the manual….please let me know. LOL!!
Isn’t being ‘grateful’ a feeling? We can teach our children manners, saying please and thank you. we can talk to them about the love behind the process, ie grandma loves you so much and she took so much time and trouble to pick something you will love, how wonderful is it that grandma loves you so much… etc etc. We can later donate to people who are needy and teach our kids about sharing etc… talk to our kids about the ways we show love, helping elderly and less fortunate , hugs for siblings feels more like love and gratefulness than gifts, read stories about these themes etc..and remember they are kids… learning how to get it right and be good people, they are not going to have it all down at 2.5 years of age…
Similar struggles here. I’m a single mom and my son’s birthday is one week before Christmas, so I usually plan for 1 nice birthday gift, 1 good Christmas gift, and a few stocking stuffers like gloves or chocolates (things I’d be giving him anyway but are fun to give as gifts) – along with the message that he already has more stuff than he needs, that we are blessed to have each other and spend time together, etc. At his dad’s house, he gets a ton of stuff from dad, grandma, uncles, people he doesn’t even know, and the best one from Santa Claus, of course. What people don’t seem to understand is how the whole Santa thing puts a heavy burden on a parent who’s already strapped for cash during a time when there’s less work income and more spending with daycare, winter camps, electricity, etc. There’s an expectation that if he’s good, he gets the big present; if he doesn’t, it’s because Santa thinks he’s not good enough. Thanks Santa! Now you get to judge MY kid, get all the credit for whatever I give him (if it’s nice), and leave me to deal with a sad child if the gift is not the iPhone 6s he asked (and tried to be good all year) for.
Not to mention the kind of stuff I hear from people who condemn me for “ruining the magic” for the poor little child if I don’t spend a month’s salary on a Christmas gift.
My mother looked at me as if I were a monster when I reminded her that we don’t “do Santa”. The spirit of Christmas, yes. Generosity, yes. But no jolly old man in a suit. We told my son that it’s pretend, and he can pretend if he wants to, but every present comes from someone’s hard work, sacrifice and love for him and his baby sister.
And of course he confided in a girl at Pre-K who swore not to tell anyone. So there’s that, too!
I have this idea in my head of what Christmas will look like and throughout the year I purchase items I think the recipient will like. As it gets closer to Christmas I see different or more things that I think original recipients would likely love to get…maybe? I am usually faced with do I give recipient multiple gifts, give original gift to someone I wasn’t going to buy for but now have a gift to give them or donate? Most of the time I end up giving it to someone else I wasn’t going to buy for but now have this extra gift. I always do the angel tree at my child’s school just to help out directly in my community but when I see what those kids are asking for and what my kids/recipients are getting…major mommy guilt!! So we donated a lot of those extra gifts this year.
I had loads of self-doubt as a parent. I have always have self-doubt with myself so I was worried about being a parent, to say the least. Luckily, I have a husband with all the assurance of person and little doubt in anything so he balanced out the rearing of our children and I can say they are happy and well-adjusted. As for the holidays, I am a believer in giving more, and have instilled that in our children, to help those in more need. I love to spoil my children at the holidays, I love to decorate, make the home feel festive, just as my parents did, but everyone is conscious of those with nothing or those that have lost everything, and do not take the holiday spirit, for granted. jslbrown2009 a aol dot com
That video has me in tears! I often question how I am doing as a parent, especially at the holidays. We try hard to involve our kids in giving at the holidays – toys for tots, operation Christmas child, and donating some old toys to make room for new ones. I feel like it is an ongoing process and I appreciate your honesty in a struggle many of us experience!
I think mommy guilt is normal and something we deal with daily. This was a lovely piece of reminding ourselves we are not alone with our thoughts. My daily struggle is the balance between a successful career and being there for my daughter. I just have to remember my work ethic will demonstrate great values to my growing daughter.
My grandfather did the perfect thing for my children when they were younger before he passed on. The girls had PLENTY of gifts from grandparents, etc and didn’t NEED anything. Especially when they were younger. So my grandfather opened up mutual funds in their names and each birthday or christmas he would add a little bit to it (the cost he would have spent on a gift they didn’t NEED). We added his name to a couple of the gifts they were already receiving. Did they understand it at the time (he only did it until they were 7 and he passed away). No! Do they now as the mutual funds compounded for 15 years and they have a great first car / college fund from him? You bet! I’ve already told them when *I* become a grandmother I’m doing the same thing. No presents and instead a gift that will help them start their lives when they are ready for college or careers.
How can you expect your kids to be grateful when your attitude is were in Jamaica but they upgraded us and its not childproofed. How dare they upgrade you without consulting you first. Just be grateful instead of whinging about an upgrade in frigging Jamaica.
I have a 5 1/2 yr old boy- right around Mazzy’s age. You can’t get a lot by him. . . This year all he wanted was Legos. So we picked out a fun carnival set off the Lego website. It has lots of figures, carnival rides/booths and seemed like the best set for a 5 year old. Of course a week away from Christmas- my boy declared he wanted the spaceship lego set. . . . Well that wasn’t going to happen as the other Lego set was already in our possession. So Christmas morning, our son is excited he got Legos but a little confused that Santa brought him a set for 16 yrs or older. . . . ooops. . . . something I completely neglected to look at – the recommended age! He decided Santa must have meant it for another boy but it was ok because he liked this set as well. uhm- parent fail!!!
And not to mention the extreme amount of presents my kid receives from all his family. We have had to put in some restrictions.
Though surprisingly he was super excited for all of the gifts he received. . . . . so I guess we are doing ok . . maybe? . . . ?
We struggle with the concept of being grateful as well. Both our kids have November birthdays, which ends up being closer to Christmas than I would prefer. We had a party for our 4 year old this year and requested No Gifts. A few people brought something small, but most complied and the time was about doing a project together (we had a construction party and made birdhouses) and playing with friends.
We are very conscious about not buying unplanned toys when shopping, and both my kids enjoy browsing the toy aisle but understand the toys will not go home with them. I’m sure this will not always be the case, so for now we count ourselves lucky.
As far as giving, when my kids turn 3 they each get to go to the dollar store and buy one gift for each person in our extended family. We try to discuss what those people may like, but ultimately the gift is up to the child. They then wrap the present and give it to the recipient. It does seem like my kids get just as excited about this as opening presents, and it has been fun to see a progression in the gift choices (from what the recipient would play with with the child to choosing gifts that are more targeted to the recipient). Sometimes we just have to bite our tongues and not influence the child’s choice, but it helps with the giving end of things.
My oldest is 2.5 and the baby is 3 months. This was the first holiday season that she knew Santa brought her presents. We decided to stick with 5 presents: 1 you need, 1 you want, 1 to read and 1 to wear and then 1 from Santa. The only reason the baby got anything was so that my toddler wasn’t confused.
Christmas was a huge deal in my family growing up and I have really great memories of it. Even as an adult I know how much my mom enjoyed shopping for gifts for everyone. We bought a lot of groceries for the local food bank and explained to the toddler what we were buying, why and she came along for the delivery.
Her grandparents spoil her, yet my in-laws did not get anything for the baby. I appreciate that the baby didn’t need anything, but my toddler was confused and asked where her sister’s presents were.
I think gratitude is hard to explain but hpoefully our daugthers willk now it when they see it – as in when we demonstrate it ourselves.
I am working on showing my daughter healthy body image – the way I talk to her and about myself in front of her is extremely important and it is good for me too! I have a lot of self doubt about how I’m raising them regarding a healthy body image. I can still hear my mother’s voice telling me not to wear horizontal stripes and signing me up for weight watchers as a college freshman. The fact that i carry that with me 20 years later, shows the lasting effect a mother’s words have on their daugthers. Something as simple as, why do you wear make-up caused me lots of reflection and doubt. Parenting is hard.
[…] offline spending it with their families. You were probably offline yourself— trying to create that holiday magic we hear so much about. Or possibly you were online more than ever because you created the magic and […]
Last year at 18 months, my daughter was uninterested in unwrapping and I realized I had bought too many gifts when she didn’t even finish opening them. This year I decided I would buy less and wrap less. We used the old idea of something to wear, something to read, something you want and something you need. I felt great about this until I saw the facebook posts with piles and piles of gifts under trees from Santa. I immediately felt like I had ripped off my children and didn’t get them enough. My daughter, now 2 1/2 was still looking for more gifts under our tree after they were all opened. I was quickly reminded of this same feeling when I was a child. Even if Santa had brought everything I wanted, I still wanted more. Christmas morning can leave you feeling empty even when you have everything.
Before our kids were even born, my husband I started “adopting” kids from the salvation army for Christmas with the intention to continue this tradition every year. This was a lot fun before kids and now it means even more when we see these kid’s lists and know that if we don’t buy these things, they won’t get anything. I am looking forward to the day when my girls really understand this and are able to help pick out the gifts.
It was tough for our daughter to understand that she couldn’t open certain gifts (because they were for family) or that others were for children that didn’t have money to buy their own. I think with time this will get easier and I’m glad we are starting now at age 2!
Thank you for sharing your story and inviting others to share as well.
To give is much for fulfilling than to receive. Giving is taught to my 3 year old daughter as much as valuing what she already has. We also talk about taking care of yourself and loving yourself as you are- beautifully unique.
This is so nice I love reading all these stories. My oldest is 4 and I figured this was the year to teach her about giving not just receiving. So we adopted a family and bought them all gifts, I let her pick out everything for the little girl in the family. There was a learning curve as she thought I would buy her one of everything we bought the adopted girl. But that was nothing compared to the day we donated to toys for tots. We had been taking about kids who may not get toys for Christmas and how we are so lucky to have so much it’s nice to donate things to the less fortunate. She seemed on board until it was time to put the toys in the bin. That’s when the water works came, she was so sad and of course didn’t want to give up the toys. I had to choke back the tears and showered her with positive words. A great lesson but a tough experience!
Although I am a nurse and every mom has that mommy instinct, I always doubt myself when my children are sick. I always wonder if I am blowing it off too easily or if I am being over dramatic about something silly. But last week, after celebrating my birthday and coming home pretty toasty, I was worried about my baby’s cough (he had the flu). I told my husband who told me the baby was fine and we went to bed. I woke up at 6am (my kids sleep until 8 or 9) and checked on him, which I normally don’t do and he was wheezing! I felt awful! We went straight to the ER and he had a bad case of croup. I knew I should have trusted my instincts the night before but I doubted myself. The next week, my toddler ended up with croup too and I didn’t hesitate that time and went to the doctor that day.
Oh parental self doubt! This year we didn’t get anything for our 16 month daughter. I knew she was going to get a TON of stuff, but I still wasn’t sure if we were doing the right thing. I’m glad we didn’t get her anything. She doesn’t know the difference and she got even more things than I thought she would!