“Argument of the Week” is a series written by Brenna Jennings. It will feature the daily domestic battles she gets into with her husband Steve. Arguments I guarantee will sound very familiar.
The Scene:
I was still at the pump topping off my little Honda Civic when the attendant came out to inform me that he’d be cutting my credit card in half right there where we stood. He looked apologetic as he sliced it in two while I watched, then handed me back the shards. I wasn’t so good with credit in my twenties.
Meanwhile in another state, my future husband was working a minimum-wage warehouse job and still managing to save what would become the down payment on our first home. He was probably wearing his brother’s hand-me-down sneakers from 7th grade.
I’ve gotten better by a lot when it comes to finances, and Steve has learned to loosen up a bit and actually spend some of what he earns. I wish these developments brought us to a happy middle ground where we never argue about who’s spending what on new boots again, but that will likely never happen. Because boots.
The Confrontation:
Steve has always done the bills. He has charts and lists and calculations, and takes satisfaction in getting the task done. He stations himself in our office and I hide stay elsewhere, awaiting the inevitable, “Honey? What did you spend fifty dollars on at 332 Main Street on Thursday?” It’s an innocent question and I get defensive anyway. “Mom’s birthday,” I say. “Anything else?” I add, annoyed. I feel like he’s parenting me.
It never goes well. In the list of withdrawals maybe two will be his in between three morning coffees for me, a few birthday presents, Goodwill just for fun, and gas. “Why are you driving so much? You’re putting forty bucks in your car every single week.” In my head I’m screaming YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME and what comes out of my mouth is only slightly more diplomatic.
I’m hardly a big spender, but I live with a man who only started paying for professional haircuts three years ago. He hadn’t owned a car for years when we started dating. I beg him to buy himself new jeans annually. Steve makes Gandhi look like a baller.
It was an exhausting debate every single month. I actually started leaving the house at bill time but that only postponed the line of questioning. Finally Steve proposed a solution.
The Resolution:
“Hon, I’m putting us on a weekly allowance.” (You are not the boss of me you are not the boss of me you are not the boss of me…) “Hear me out. What do you think you’d want to take out each week in cash to buy your gas, coffee…” I cut him off before he got to boots, but agreed to only buy one pair per season. We settled on a weekly amount we’d take out in cash. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.
Asking me what I thought I’d need—within reason—felt less like a punishment and more like an agreement, like I was a partner instead of a dependent. The truth is I hadn’t been tracking my spending at all, and it would help us both if he knew where cash was flowing and I could see exactly how many Starbucks employees I’ve been putting through college.
We’re a team in this marriage; we both want to kill our last bit of debt, save for retirement, and see me in stylish but practical footwear. Steve knows I can’t live at his level of austerity and that I bristle at having my every purchase scrutinized. I know he feels less stress when we’re more frugal. We may not ever agree on how we spend (or don’t spend) but I intend to work through it—I may have a lot of boots, but they aren’t made for walking.
How do you handle finances at home? Is it a struggle? Do your habits conflict? Tell us in comments.
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Read more from Brenna Jennings on Suburban Snapshots.
I totally agree! Except I’m Steve and the boots are every new phone or Google toy. When we were engaged and it was time for our finances to come together, I knew that reviewing his spending would drive me insane. So we both have our own monthly allowance account. We agreed on a total amount, we both get half, and probably MOST importantly, they are the only account we don’t share,so I have no visibility to say… You spent WHAT on sunglasses?? All purchases that fall outside of set categories in family budget come out of allowance. Lunches out, events, presents, alcohol, etc. Life saver. Happily married 6 years now ????
My husband and I spend very differently. I can take $100 every few weeks and blow it at Target, while he will take a few thousand once or twice a year and buy something for his hobby (rebuilding antique tractors). He doesn’t understand my spending and I don’t understand his. To keep the peace we have separate accounts. I pay for groceries and child care, he pays the mortgage and household bills. We each pay our own car insurance and gas for our goings. We have no idea what the other spends on what…and it makes things easier. We will generally ask my opinion before he drops 5G on a tractor…but I always say yes. He works hard for his money, and can afford it-so I shouldn’t have to understand it. Tractors are his “boots”.
Steve is similar. Once a year he’ll drop $800 on a new surf board, of which he has 5. I never flinch.
We have a system that seems to work very well. We are each paid into our separate and private checking accounts. We have an agreed amount we each transfer to a join checking account (it is not equal because he is paid more). The joint account pays all bills, groceries, gas, mortgage, car payment, etc. We each have a debit card and full access to the joint account, but its only used for necessities and monthly line items . The remaining few bucks in our own accounts is the money we can freely spend, fun money. We don’t hassle each other about how we spend fun money and its rarely discussed. This system has allowed us to avoid quite a few budget debates and given us the freedom to spend fun money how we see fit. We review the joint account budget 1-2 a year and adjust the amount we transfer there when needed. It allows us to rarely talk about money or question the other’s spending patterns.
We have a household account, separate personal accounts, joint CD’S & savings accounts. Never an issue with finances!!!. We both put $ into savings & household account. Our personal accounts-We do whatever makes us happy with it!
We used to argue about money because I was the one handling our finances and my husband was always questioning how much we spent on stuff. I would get really defensive, because I’m not an irresponsible spender.. things just really are expensive! He seemed to think that nothing had changed in price since he was a kid in the 80s. It reached a boiling point a couple years ago and so we decided to do something drastic and separate our finances. It was the best choice ever! Now, we each have our paychecks deposited into separate checking accounts (though, we both have access to each other’s accounts, because our finances are completely shared and, in case of emergency, we need access). We split up our bills depending on how much each of us makes (he takes care of the mortgage, I pay all insurance payments, childcare, etc). We each contribute to our own retirement accounts and savings. Everything that’s left over is ours to do with what we please. We talk before making any big purchases (anything over $300 gets discussed) and our arguments about money have almost completely disappeared. The nice side effect is that he FINALLY understands how much things cost … sometimes he gets to the end of the month and he’s low on money, and I get to say “It’s harder than you thought, isn’t it?!?” 😉
The ex tried to do the same with the weekly cash budget, but he was unconditional with his constant computer upgrading for gaming. Resolution: I divorced him. Now, I make and spend my OWN money responsibly.
My mom and her husband (my parents are divorced. Mom married again) have no issues with money. She’s a math teacher and very savvy with money do their way of dealing with it is her husband gives her everything he makes every month. But he will do the accounts (50 dollars on lunch, 200 on groceries etc). However for big expenses he always runs it through mom (a new watch, or a new laptop). My mom also decides if large investments (new property, second retirement home, new car) can be successfully purchased and managed. She also manages the retirement funds and plans. They seem pretty happy!
I’m not sure if that will work for me and my partner now, but being very upfront about finances are our current way of handling things. We pay off our loans individually. I know how much he makes and so does he. No arguments about money…..yet!
I recently got back together with my college boyfriend (he found me on Facebook after being apart for 15 years), and when I made the decision to relocate to be with him, I was terrified about the money issue. When we were together back in college, he was so cheap and we split everything. He even went through the grocery bill and we each paid for our own toiletries, beer, etc. I knew that he was still super cheap, and I was definitely not willing to have to keep track of everything and split things down the middle. And, that wouldn’t work anyway since I make a lot more than he does and have a certain quality of life that I require (we are renting a house that is more in line with income than his). So, I had to come up with something else. After a lot of internet research, this is what I came up with, and he agreed that is sounded good.
We decided on a joint account for household bills (rent, utilities, cable/internet, and groceries) and our own separate accounts for our personal bills and our own spending money. We couldn’t just put equal amounts into the joint account since I make about 3x as much as he does and to split it evenly would not leave him with money for his personal bills or spending (especially since I insisted on a nicer place to live that has higher rent than what he was used to). So, to determine how much each of us puts into the joint account, we added up the monthly bills with a little bit of cushion to determine what was needed. Then we added up our incomes to determine what percentage of our combined income our individual incomes were. We each contribute that percentage of the household bills every month. It’s still a bit of a struggle for him to see that I budgeted (and spend) $700/month on groceries when he was spending next to nothing. But, I cook (he doesn’t….he lived on frozen pizza, sandwiches, and cereal), and I like quality ingredients and buy almost entirely organic. And, since I am contributing 70% of the joint account $, he keeps his mouth shut (except when taking bites of the yummy meals I prepare for him).
As for our personal accounts…..I don’t want to know what he has in his, and I don’t want him to know mine. I would get aggravated that he says he’s broke all the time, but actually has a pretty decent balance in his account (I saw it once…..now I turn away when he opens it up), and he would freak out over my trips to Ross and Target (I’m frugal, but I like to shop, and there are still things that we need for the house to make it nicer and more comfortable for me). So, we just keep those accounts separate from each other, and all is well.