Insta2yearold here! My mom forgot today is April Fool’s Day so I am here to remind her. I actually contacted her website developer (pretending to be her, of course) and changed the passwords to the backend of her site. That way we can speak freely! It also allowed me to reconfigure the header so it’s all pictures of MEEEEEE!!!!! Doesn’t it look so much better now?
Currently, my mom is passed out in bed after a supposed “hot date night” with my dad, which FYI— was totally orchestrated for a future sponsored post. (Don’t tell Revlon I told you!)
So. What can I tell you about my mom that you do not already know? Hmmmmm. I bet I have a few things…
10 things my mom’s not telling you
1) There are floor length curtains in my parent’s bedroom. My mom hates how they look but won’t remove them because they are very handy to hide her mess behind. If you pull back the curtain, you will find a chair piled high with dirty clothes my mom has deemed “not quite dirty enough” to throw in the wash before she wears them again.
2) Speaking of dirty clothes, my mom will often wear her Sunday outfit again on Monday; her argument being that the same people will not see her. EXCEPT FOR ME, MOM!!!! Don’t I count???
3) For every three kids’ gummy bear vitamins she doles out to us, she takes ten for herself.
4) She yells out things like, “THAT’S ENOUGH SCREEN TIME!!!” all while checking email on her iPhone.
5) I wake up extra early (sometimes as early as 5am) because I know my mom is so exhausted at that time, her only option is to let me watch television. Then she dozes off next to me, practically drooling on my shoulder, while I watch Paw Patrol on the couch.
6) When my sister came home from the family ski trip, the bottom half of her face was totally sunburned. Mom and Dad both looked fine. If I had to guess, it was because they kept a strict sunscreen regimen for themselves while totally overlooking the needs of their five-year-old daughter in ski school. Out of sight, out of mind, am I right?!
7) As far as I can tell, my mom has only two bras which she rotates between every other day.
8) I caught my mom throwing my big sister’s art projects in the trash. The next morning when my sister asked where they were, Mom said she had no idea. LIAR!!!!!
9) Often my mom shuts herself in the bathroom claiming “stomach issues”. Recently, I pushed the bathroom door open, only to discover “stomach issues” means a need to read Jezebel on her iPhone.
10) My mom takes 1.2 million horrible photos for every perfect photo she shares on Instagram.
11) Sometimes my mom will smell my diaper, notice it’s dirty and then walk away, making sure to point me in the direction of Dad first.
12) This is the part where my mom usually writes a heartfelt sentiment which ties the whole post up in a warm tidy bow, in an effort to deflect any negativity she may have sprinkled along the way. According to her formula, I should say something like— “despite all the crap my mom pulls, I know she loves me and blah blah blah blabbity blah BLAH”. Well, I am onto you, Mom and THAT’S NOT HAPPENING!
Oops. That was twelve things. Sorry, I just learned to count.
Ditto for her stupid facebook page.
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