Last week, I posted a very short status update on the Mommy Shorts facebook fanpage:
"Reason my daughter is crying: I won't let her eat a tomato on the couch. Your turn!"
534 comments later, I was laughing, crying, and commiserating over the batshit crazy beings we have the pleasure of calling our kids. If nothing else, it is nice to know I am not the only one trying to rationalize with a 16 month old who is losing her mind because I won't willingly hand over the shiny pair of adult-size scissors sitting on the kitchen counter.
I'm afraid to even pick Harlow up in the kitchen, because she will always see something on the counter she wants that she absolutely cannot have— steak knives, steaming hot cups of coffee, medication, stovetop flames, etc. and then make the saddest cry face you have ever seen before convulsing into a tiny weeping heap on the floor.
Other things Harlow cries over?
She hates eating at the table. I thought it was just her high chair, so I set up a kid's table that she is allowed to eat at as well. But nope, Harlow wants to eat food on-the-go while wandering around our entire apartment.
It goes like this:
It's time for breakfast. Harlow says something that sounds like, "EGGS!" and points to the egg carton in the fridge. I break some eggs in a bowl.
Oh right, Harlow wants me to hold her while I make the eggs. I pick her up. Continue making eggs. Try my best to keep her from burning herself on the stove or the frying pan. When the eggs are finished, I put them in a bowl on the table and try to transfer Harlow to the high chair.
Harlow moves her legs in such a way that I couldn't even force her in the high chair if I tried. So, I do the next best thing and put the bowl of eggs on the kid's table. Try to sit her in the little chair, but Harlow takes the bowl of eggs and runs off into the living room. I grab the bowl and put it back on the kid's table.
This is when the rationalizing starts. With a baby.
"Harlow, you can have the eggs at the table. Or you can run around. You just can't have the eggs while you run around."
Eventually, she ends up sitting at the table because I won't give her the eggs otherwise. But this doesn't mean she remembers the end result a few short hours later.
We do this lovely little dance every meal. It's even worse when she wants to run around the apartment with an open container of yogurt. She would also prefer me give her an entire apple rather than slices. And an entire box of cereal rather than a handful in a bowl.
"I'm not giving you the entire economy size box of Cheerios, Harlow."
The other thing Harlow has been crying about lately is hand washing.
What's the problem with hand washing?
Nothing. Unless, your baby wants you to hold her over the sink so she can run her hands under the water for the next four to five hours.
I'm not even sure Harlow would consider four to five hours an acceptable period of time where she could walk away satisfied with her hand washing experience. Every hand washing episode ends in tears. It is a very weird feeling when you're like, "OH NO!!!!!!!! HARLOW IS AT THE SINK!!!!!!! MIKE, IT'S YOUR TURN!!!!!!! I DID HAND WASHING LAST TIME!!!!!!"
One of us will have to hold her at the sink until our arms get too tired or we decide we have wasted enough water and finally shut the faucet off. Harlow will then commence FULL-ON BREAKDOWN MODE.
Tiny weeping heap on the floor.
Yesterday, Harlow decided she wanted to sit on the toilet. Not a potty— on the adult toilet. I sat with her in the bathroom, while she was on toilet, for about a half hour. Not doing anything. Not actually using it. She just wanted the experience of sitting on the toilet. Finally, I figured that was enough and took her off.
Really? Can we save the crying for an injury or something?
Greg Pembroke, the creator of Reasons My Son is Crying (a tumblr dedicated to pictures of his son crying about inane things), just came out with a hilarious new photo book called, Reasons My Kid Is Crying. It's filled with all the amazingly ridiculous reasons kids cry and it makes you feel so so so SO much better about your own children.
I'm giving away five copies on the blog today and five copies on Instagram. Just tell me why your kid is crying in the comment section below.
To start you off, here are some of the reasons your kids were crying from my facebook page last week…
"Because I won't let him step on the blackberries he threw on the carpet."
"Because I can't help her get the big ball to play with… the big ball is the moon."
"Her identical twin sister called her ugly."
"I wouldn't let her crash a party at Build-A-Bear."
"The blue spoon is in the dishwasher."
"Because I won't let him throw my keys in the toilet."
"He wanted the milk on the top of the cereal bowl, not the bottom."
"Because I couldn't sing along to the song she was making up."
"I won't let her eat eyeliner."
"Because I made her take the plastic wrap off the cheese before eating it."
"I wouldn't let her feed me a piece of gravel."
"I wouldn't let her throw her juice box at the ceiling fan to 'see what happens'."
"She can't find the googley eye she's been carrying around for a week."
"His pants don't have pockets."
"I won't let him eat frozen chicken nuggets in the grocery store."
"He wanted toast…but he didn't want the bread in the toaster."
"I bent the flexi straw before I gave her the cup."
"I won't let her carry a jar of minced garlic around the house."
"Because I took my hair out of her hand."
"I wouldn't let her wipe her mouth with a napkin she found on the floor at the ice cream shop."
"I forgot to say 'go away Anna' at the right place while she sang Do You Wanna Build a Snowman through the bathroom door while I was pooping."
To be fair, that last one is totally justified.
You must follow Mommy Shorts on facebook to enter. Then just leave the reason your kid is crying in the comment section below. If you'd also like to submit a picture on my fanpage with your comment, even better.
I'll announce five random winners this Friday. For a second chance to win, you can enter on my Instagram feed (@mommyshorts) as well.