A few weeks ago, I took Mazzy to see Frozen. About ten minutes in, after Elsa accidentally strikes Anna with her magical ice powers and their parents take her to get healed by trolls in the forest, Mazzy said she was scared and asked to leave.
The content was much heavier than Mazzy's typical fare (Daniel Tiger and Doc McStuffins) and I might add, much heavier than the bright cheery poster with the goofy snowman suggests— so I took her hand and hightailed it out of there before her innocence was destroyed forever.
But once we were out on the street, I had second thoughts. Shouldn't I have just told her to close her eyes and hold my hand if she got scared? Assured her the movie was just pretend? Told her the funny parts with the goofy snowman would surely be happening soon?
A week later, we took a trip to a toy store and I told Mazzy she could pick out one thing. She selected Elsa and Anna dolls and has played with them non-stop since. I also noticed many of her friends talking about seeing the movie without any issues, so I asked Mazzy if she wanted to give it another shot.
It took a few weeks of bringing it up, but finally she agreed to see it again. We went last week.
The first time, Mazzy and I left right after Anna's accident. On our second trip, I realized two minutes later, both of her parents die. It happens so quickly, I hoped Mazzy didn't notice. But as I sat there next to my little girl, watching various themes play out (love, death, fear, betrayal etc.), I found myself wondering, why was it so important I make Mazzy sit through this?
In the end, despite getting antsy at parts, Mazzy liked the movie. She thought Olaf was laugh-out-loud funny and Elsa's ice castle was "BEAUT-I-FUL". She was also very proud that she did not find the Snow Monster scary. She told me that at least fifty times on the walk home.
Beyond that, I wasn't sure how much she understood. Especially since most of the movie revolves around Anna almost dying.
Death is a concept that (thankfully) has yet to come up.
About a year ago, I was explaining to Mazzy that Grammy is my mommy and Poppy is my daddy. After sufficiently blowing my then three-year-old's mind, she very astutely asked, "Who is Daddy's daddy?"
Daddy's daddy passed away when Mazzy was seven months old.
"Daddy's daddy is Harold. There is a picture of you with him in the living room."
"Daddy's daddy doesn't live in New York City any more?"
"Right."
He didn't. I wasn't lying and I left it at that. We haven't spoken about him since.
The day after we saw Frozen, Mazzy was trying to remember the words to "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" I suggested we look it up on YouTube, totally forgetting the scene where Anna and Elsa's parents die happens mid-song.
If you haven't seen the movie, they drown at sea. It's depicted quickly with a wide shot of the ship in a storm followed by two large tombstones in a cemetary.
When we got to that part, Mazzy said quietly, "They got stuck in the sea."
Well, yes. That's one way to put it. I nodded and said nothing else.
The next day, Mazzy asked to watch the song again.
"Her parents turned into statues?"
She was referring to the tombstones. "Ummm… Yeah. Kind of."
Oh my god, I am so bad at this!
Mazzy didn't ask any more questions and I didn't volunteer any more information.
Then, yesterday we went to brunch to celebrate my mother's birthday. My Uncle Scott was there and for the first time, Grammy explained to Mazzy that Scott was her brother, just like Harlow was Mazzy's sister.
Then Mazzy asked innocently, "Grammy, who is your daddy?"
Grammy looked at me for a cue as to how to proceed and I shrugged nervously back.
She spoke carefully. "His name was Irving."
Without missing a beat, Mazzy asked, "Is he dead?"
Whoa. Where had this sudden knowledge come from? Had she known about death all along? Oh no! Had she learned it from Frozen? Is that so bad? Doesn't everyone learn about death from Disney?
Grammy answered simply. "Yes."
Mazzy nodded gravely.
Does she even know what that means? Has someone else explained this to her in more detail? What else does she know? Am I underestimating what she can handle?
"Who was your mommy, Grammy?"
"My mother's name was Minna. Everyone called her Minnie."
Mazzy crinkled her nose. She looked confused.
"Was your mommy a mouse?"
Oh my god, we all laughed so freakin' hard.
The best part about raising a child is that lost innocence can return so quickly.
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Click here for Dr. B's excellent advice on how to talk to your child about death.
My 5-year-old daughter didn’t like this movie at first, too. I think she thought of it as “too dark for her age”. But when we watched it again and showed her YouTube videos of little girls doing covers of Let It Go and Do You Want to be a Snowman, she now loves it, though not as how she loved Despicable Me or Toy Story.
We had this exact conversation about this movie with our four year old. She saw it with my sister first so I didn’t know the story but one morning she asked me if I would be her mommy and daddy would be her daddy forever, even in a hundred years. I said yes (gulp) and asked her why she asked. Her eyes filled up with tears and she said, “I don’t want you to go away on a ship.” I put two and two together, as she had been singing songs from the movie that whole morning and, gosh, it broke my heart. Thanks for posting some tips on how to talk about this because, hoo boy, it’s a doozy.
For what it’s worth (nothing!), I think you did the right thing leaving the movie first time and giving it another go when you both had a chance to think and chat. My so doesn’t miss a trick and hated Finding Nemo from the moment the mom dies at the beginning. Most kids I know love that movie but we watched most of it on fast forward – the deep sea creature, the sharks, the little girl – at nearly four he just couldn’t bear it. I don’t think my daughter would be so bothered but for him we gave up on it for later in life. Which is why we do most of our movie watching on dvd so we can pause it to chat about choices, sad and scary stuff and happy endings. Hard though…
Like you, we have had lots of “where’s Daddy’s daddy?” conversations as my husband’s father passed away when my hubs was only 17. The kids will sometimes tell us they miss him despite never having met him. We go with being honest in answering questions without going into unnecessary detail and it has served us well so far. You can’t shield them from life but I often don’t feel grown up enough to handle the sorts of conversations my now five year old is asking about!
This was a great post and so real. I love reading about Mazzy. She sounds amazing. If she ever fancies a playdate in London….
My son just turned five and he has lost two great-grandparents (one most recently this week) within the last year and a half. I pretty much told him that both gramas are in heaven. He said “with baby Jesus?”, I said “yes” and he continued on with a “just like Christmas!”, yes son, like Christmas. #innocence
My 4 year old son’s favorite Disney movie is The Lion King. It took about a year of watching it before he realized that Mufasa dies. We have been getting the death questions for about 6 months when he noticed that we talked about my mom’s mom but not her dad. Then he actually experienced it first hand when his great grandma passed away and we had to explain that we wouldn’t be seeing her anymore. It is amazing how little detail you have to give for them to still get the big picture and their innocence really is very comforting when dealing with loss.
you are very fortunate that you have not had to deal with that yet. my son is almost 5 and we have had a couple great grandparents die, and a little 5 year old girl in our neighborhood was killed and they had a celebration for her at our park that we happened upon. difficult conversations, especially concerning the girl. didn’t dr. b weigh in on this subject a while back?
My 7 yo and I hated it! We found it too sad. Yes, it does have cute moments, but the sad ones just overshadowed them for us. She’s a little older and gets the death part, but I do think it had an impact on her. I’m not a big fan of Disney movies after being traumatized with the fire in Bambi. And this one lived up to that as well. She also found Merida too scary. Maybe we just have to give up on them.
Good for you for helping her thru it. She’s a smart one.
We’ve been having this conversation for a couple of years. Both of my parents passed away long before my daughter was born, and she began asking questions about my parents at 2 years old. We just keep explaining it, and talking about everything has a lifespan and that’s nature. All you can do is hope for the best.
There’s a link at the end of the blog.
My daughter first discovered the possibility of her mother dying while watching the first Land Before Time Movie. She was about 3 when that came out. We were at home and she begged me to turn it off as soon as the mama dinosaur died. She was traumatized that a “mommy” could die. She didn’t want to watch that movie for months afterward. However, a week later, she saw Lion King for the first time. No problems there. LOL My only guess as to why this wasn’t as traumatizing was that I gave her nearly all of her care as I was a stay at home mom at the time. And her daddy worked. I don’t know.
But my initial point was that I actually think it is common for kids to learn about death from movies. And before there were movies from stories. Just about every fairy tale there is deals with death in some form or way.
Ahhhh! This post totally needs a spoiler alert for giving away critical plot points. (Is it wrong that a grown adult doesn’t wish to be spoiled before going to see a kids’ movie?)
And now my husband and I’s date night for Friday has been RUINED! RUINED! 🙂 (Is it also wrong that we were both super excited to see this movie?)
I think Little Mazzy is gonna be OK. I’m glad you left the first time when she got scared and then took her when she was ready.. I took my 2 year old and I think he was just very amused by the music, colors and pretty graphics. My grandfather died when I was 4 and I know I was very close to him, he actually lived in the same house and I can’t remember one single thing, after he died when I was 4 I remember learning from death from Bambi, other super sad subjects came from Dumbo and Pinnochio. I think the first time that it really stock in my head is when I saw Mufasa died, It kinda hit me the possibility of my own parents dying, but I think that the fact I have been exposed to it for such a long time made it a little easier to handle.
Thanks so much for addressing this topic.
I think part of your instinct held this awareness, down deep somewhere: knowing the truth can make us more empathetic, more compassionate. Your daughter now understands in some small way that your mother has suffered a loss. As painful as that is, she can now consider how events affect others.
Something all our children urgently need to learn.
Well done.
Don’t worry! I didn’t spoil anything. The parents die within the first 15 minutes of the movie. It really is a complex little tale and you will have plenty to digest that wasn’t referenced in my post at all. Have fun!
Sweets has seen many Disney movies and most of them have scenes that are pretty heavy and scary. I always ask her if she’d like to “fast forward” and she has always said no and told me she’s “not scared.”
We’ve had to have the death conversation with her when her cousin died. She is 4 and while she knows she cannot see him or play with him anymore, she still likes to draw pictures for him and make his favorite cookies.
I decided to not skirt around the subject of death, but also be very clear that it’s not something she needs to worry about right now. It’s hard to decide what a child can handle- everyone is so different. Her friend is terrified of many scenes in movies that Sweets is fine with.
Erm. There is no way that dead parent(s) in a Disney movie could be “spoiled”….it’s kind of a given, isn’t it?
Snow White, Nemo, Bambi, Lion King…Disney traffics in dead parents!
Disney movies almost always have death in them. (Lion King, Bambi, Finding Nemo.) Finding one without death in it is the challenge. I remember my dad getting so mad in the theater watching The Lion King when Mufasa died. (For us it hit a little closer to home as my twin sister and I lost our mother giving birth to us.) I remember him saying “why does someone always have to die?!” Probably something to think about when taking the young kiddos to see Disney movies.
We took my 4-year-old daughter to see Frozen when it came out last year. When the boat went down, she announced, “Well, they’re all dead; they drowned.” Just in case the other kids in the theater didn’t comprehend. I mean, how do you respond to that?! She knows about death, but it’s no big deal to her.
I think a parent dies in almost every disney movie. Think about it…Bambi, Nemo, Lion King, Tarzan. The others one parent is just missing with no explantion…Toy Story & Little Mermaid. Its a sad truth they have to learn about it some how seeing it in cartoon form maybe helps them understand more. I have always told my just turned 4 year old that his grandpa (my dad) lives in heaven with God. He might not understand it but he knows it if that makes since. Sad to say his best friends dad is dieing of brain cancer and its just a matter of time before we have to have that talk but we pray for him every night. Also off topic a bit but some what related. Our son is adopted and we have told him this from the day we brought him home from the hospital he might not totally understand it but he has heard it and had it explained enough that when he finally understands it won’t be a shock it will just be something he has always known. I’m all about being upfront and honest you don’t have to be gory just innocent truth so its not a total shock later on. JMI.
My 4 year old son went to see Frozen with my sister-in-law and they left after a little bit because it got scary too! I have considered asking him if he wants to try to see it again because I have heard so many great things, but think I’ll leave it alone for the moment! 🙂
We’ve breached that with our two-year-old already, after we heard her talking to herself in her room. We asked her who she was talking to and she responded, “Oma” (my mom passed suddenly 5 years ago at 45). She’s only ever seen pictures of her and we never really went into the whole “Oma’s in Heaven” thing before this, but when we told her, she just nodded and told us that “Oma… wings. Like bird!” Sufficient to say, we were freaked out.
Why do all the parents have to die in Disney movies?! It’s so obnoxious!
Death is a hard topic. My Dad passed away in December 2012 when my son was 2 1\2. He knows Poppy George had “bad legs” and had to go to heaven ( he had ALS). He still remembers him and still asks periodically when Poppy George is coming back 🙁 I just tell him he won’t see Poppy for a really, really long time. Just last night he asked where heaven was and why he can’t see it. I haven’t wanted to go into too much detail because he’s a sensitive little boy and I don’t want to scare him by telling him he won’t see Poppy again or for him to worry about us going to heaven.
thanks, i skipped over it, as i sometimes do with the blue text!
Last year my then five year old attended his first wake. His best friend’s dad was stabbed and died in front of his kids. I tried explaining what happened. But he thought his friend could just get another daddy.
Then this year we had to attend their first funeral, for an infant. He understood a little better and was very sad. We talked about heaven.
He’s had nightmares about mom and dad dying.
My cousin used to say our great grandma would visit her at night. She passed away right before she was born. This cousin was the most like our great grandma.
Phew! 🙂 I guess this just means while the movie is getting started I can take extra time to pour myself a really really large glass of wine. Assuming I can convince my husband to be on baby duty that night.
My oldest Joseph, 6 loved Frozen. He watched it from beginning to end without tears or being scared. My hubby went with us, and when Allie (4) got scared, he took her into the lobby. My 2 year old couldn’t really comprehend, but loved the songs.
Death wasn’t explained by us to Allie. Her big brother, Joseph explained it like this.
“It’s when somebody takes a really long trip and doesn’t come back”
But Frozen still scared her a bit. Brooke, 2 was also listening to Joseph’s explaintion, but was just fine.
Allie was terrifed. Half of the little kids in the theatre left when the King and Queen died. We saw Mazzy there.