1. If you throw something away because your child has not played with it in months, she will ask for it later that same day.
2. If you successfully transfer your sleeping baby all the way from your car to her crib, you will sneeze and wake her up as you tiptoe out the door.
3. If your daughter spent a year begging to take ballet, the day you sign her up for classes and pay the bill, she’ll switch her interest to gymnastics.
4. The one time your child asks for broccoli, you won’t have any in the house.
5. If you tell someone your baby is a good napper, she will never nap again.
6. If the baby makes it through an awful tummy bug and you say out loud, “Thank God, it wasn’t contagious!”, the next day EVERYONE ELSE will get it and then the baby will get it again.
7. The moment you decide to get rid of all your baby related items because you won’t be having any more kids, you will instantly become pregnant.
8. If you pack up the entire house to go on a two day trip, you’ll forget something really simple. Like diapers.
9. If you buy a new carpet and it sits rolled up in a corner for a month, the day you finally get your husband to move the furniture and lay the thing down, will be the same day your three-year-old spills a canister of glitter.
10. The one time you don’t ask your kid if she has to go to the bathroom before you leave the house, she’ll declare an emergency in front of a MacDonald’s. You’ll think, how gross could it be? THAT GROSS.
11. The day you dress the baby in her best outfit will be the day she has the MOTHER of all blow-outs.
12. The one time your toddler listens and models your behavior, will be the time you say, “Shit! I forgot my keys!”
13. If you spend half the day packing everyone up to go to the zoo, they will all fall asleep by the time you get there.
14. If you somehow manage to make it to work with an outfit free of poop, snot or spit-up, you will spill your own coffee on it as soon as you sit down at your desk.
15. If you decide to take a chance by leaving the diaper bag at home for an easy evening stroll with the baby, she won’t just need a new diaper. She’ll need a whole new outfit.
16. If you lay down the law that bedtime is at 7:30pm, Grammy will make a surprise visit at 7:29.
17. If you brag to your friends about how much your toddler is talking, when they see her, she will not say a word.
18. The second you decide to take advantage of naptime by stepping into the shower, sitting down to eat or god forbid trying to get some shut-eye yourself, the baby will wake up. EVERY. FREAKIN. TIME.
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Thanks to Stephanie for #6 and Ann for #7, who submitted them on the Mommy Shorts Facebook Fanpage.
Please add your own Murphy’s Laws of Parenting below!
All so true! This one happens to me:
When you decide that you have too much shit to do in real life and take a “sick” day off from work, the next day your kid will be sick.
16! Biggest pet peeve ever!
As soon as you put a fresh diaper on a baby, they will soil themselves again.
Every single time!
They soil a new diaper because that’s what they think they’re supposed to do. After all, it is fresh!
so. much. yes.
If you tell your in-laws, who so graciously agreed to keep the kids so you could have aMUCH needed date night with your hubby,, that your daughter (who is already asleep ) won’t wake up for her middle of the night feeding until long after you return, she will wake up an hour before you are due back… AND refuse to take the bottle she is offered by Nana.
Oh how true these are!
#2- or you will trip on a toy and curse loudly wich then toddler that shares a room will hear and #12
#4- and apparently zucchini is not an okay substitution
#8- or underwear. your own.
#14- or jelly, which looks like bloody snot. awesome.
#12: My aunt and uncle took their kids to dinner and when the waiter asked what brought them out, my cousin said, “Goddamn furnace broke,” which, of course, she heard my uncle grumble on his way up the basement stairs. Ha!
Learned the hard way…but still do it, Never ever brag about how good your kid is at something, anything. That’s all it takes for them to stop.
I’m so guilty of #8. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve forgotten diapers. And I’ve paid my price. Every. Single. Time.
If you drop the baby off at grandma’s and pack all of the healthy food, grandma will throw away the healthy food you packed and feed the baby junk.
If you make one silly face to make the baby laugh, you will have to make that face ONE THOUSAND MORE TIMES.
If the baby is entertained while you’re pooping, they will somehow knock down the gate, get in the bathroom, and sit on your lap while you finish your poop.
Just when you think the messy toddler stage is over and you think it’s safe to redecorate their rooms they will smear shit all over the walls windows doors and floors 🙁
(So I have twin boys with autism, this actually happened)
The day you decide you no longer need to keep spare clothes in the car, will be the day your kid has an accident. Somewhere public. Somewhere FAR from home.
Oh my gosh yes!!!! I went to get an oil change that took 6eternities and he puked all over himself! I had no change of clothes but thankfully I was at the mall so I just went and bought some clothes to change him into
so true!!
A fathers experience: Your son falls in love with Spiderman at the age of three, so you frantically search for Spiderman birthday decor and a costume for a superhero surprise visit. You strap silly string cans to your wrist and climb on the roof for the BIG birthday entrance. In the excitement you jump of the roof shooting silly string (looked awesome), only to have the mask shift mid flight and you don’t stick the landing. My back is shot, son is hysterically crying, freaked out by the costume and a party full of kids attacks you in your weakened state. $1,200 out of pocket dollars later the back is better and the costume was sold to a consignment shop. True Murphy’s Law Story!
All of them.. so true!!! Great post!
Your baby will have a epic nap but only when you have plans and have to leave the house in 10 minutes!
Oh the memories this brinks back.
#18…. I swear my son had secret Mommy sonar for me taking a shower. I had to join a gym to get one before 9 PM, because he would wake up EVERY DAMN TIME as soon as I was soaking wet.
Your child will sleep in on the only day you have to get up early
Your new baby will sleep through the night for the first time, only to have your 4 year old wake at 3am and not go back to sleep till almost 4:30. Such a sad and true story!
Oh my goodness, this is so true!! Every time with our second child, during her first year, this happened. I’ll have to remember that for the 3rd!
My toddler wakes up at 6 every morning but the one morning the hubby us home and I get to sleep in she doesn’t wake up till 9. So frustrating!! Or, she started waking up from nap after 45 min (I try to nap when she does) so I figure ill just read since she won’t take a long nap anyway right? Or I make a dr appointment. That’s the day she decides to take a 3 1/2 hour nap!!!! Are we for real?!?!?!! I totally could’ve used a 3 1/2 hour nap!!? Damn it!
The night your builder says “I am going to hae to turn the water off for the day tomorrow to move al the plumbing…” Is the night your baby vomits constantly over every set of bedding and pyjamas she owns….. *sigh*
I’m well past the age of “babyness,” and I still found this hilarious. Great job!
Hahahahahahahaha! I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. I can relate to most of these! I’d also add: when you need to have a serious discussion with hubby after kids go to bed and they refuse. Until well after your own bedtime. For many days in a row… And let us also not forget, any time you are up until some rediculous hour for an reason, at least one if not all of the kids will wake up very early the next morning. I swear they like me best in my overly exhausted state.
…and now I will never eat jelly again.
The one time you have to take a long car ride with the toddler and you have run out of Children’s Dramamine, you didn’t pack nearly enough outfits and you forgot a bag for all of the dirty laundry.
You stay home with the kids all day everyday, and like clockwork, your baby craps at the same time, in the morning, and right after her afternoon nap. But, the one time the Husband is alone with the kids all day, the baby doesn’t decide to go at all, until the second you walk through the door. And of course, he hands the baby right to you…
Whenever you declare anything in your house (or even in your mind), the exact opposite happens. When your potty training kid wakes up dry for a few nights in his Pull-Up and you decide to give underwear a try, he wakes wets the bed the rest of the week.
Great post! My toddler fell asleep 10 minutes after we got to the zoo. Stupid Murphy! My toddler also becomes a mute when anyonebthatvi have bragged to about her “speaking abilities” is present. Lol.
My Murphy’s Law: “The night you spend the longest time and greatest effort preparing your toddler’s nuticious, yet tasty, dinner (which you proudly premeditated the night before after a great deal of thought, love, and a trip to the grocery store with a very specific list) will be the first day that your toddler straight-up throws the plate of your wonderful food all the way from the hard, kitchen floor, to the living room carpet floor.”
So TRUE
THIS. EQUALS. MY LIFE!!!! ^^^
Definitely #8. My husband forgets his boxers or pants or glasses or toothbrush on every trip. So once the baby comes, hopefully we just remember to pack the baby!
Aw! You’re welcome for #6 but “cantagious” is killing me! Don’t know if you can fix it or not but I have a feeling that it bugs you just as much! 🙂
I fixed it- thank you (again)!
Offer your toddler a snack or lunch before you leave the house and they will adamitly refuse. Finally get in the car and they “want a snack”.
The second you score a whole summer wardrobe of shorts and tshirts for $30 your daughter will decide she only wears dresses.
True story. Hoping #2 won’t go dress insane before she grows into the still in tags clothes I’ve been saving for 3 years.
If you schedule family photos one of your kids will slice open an eyebrow 2 days before they occur.
Again. True story.
Kid wakes up every night, consistently around midnight, for weeks and week. First night away from kids in 3 years. Bub sleeps through for Nan and Papa. Sigh.
The day you say your kid never naps for less than 2 hours is the day your kid doesn’t nap at all.
EVERY time we have pictures scheduled a child will get a huge bruise or scrap on their face the day before…or, mommy or daddy will get a huge zit the morning of. This is an absolute “Murphy’s Law” in my household
If your child is in a room filled with toys, they will immediately find the one thing that they can’t have. I.E. your coffee cup or cellphone.
As soon as you make the big leap and return to work, you will receive a call that your kids are sick and need to be picked up immediately. Once they fully recover all your major appliances will break down, one at a time, requiring you to wait at home all day for a repairman who will show up around 6pm.
When they are no longer toddlers they will call you at work when you are using the restroom. I think they have a sixth sense. Lol
#14 !! Soo true! if I make it out of the house with an amazingly clean outfit by some miracle, I WILL eventually spill something on it on my way to or at work. Thank you McDonald’s’ for not making sure the lid is on tightly.
This is the very reason why I have now stashed 3-5 shirts in my car and have a “laundry basket” in my trunk.
#7 is exactly why I have all our baby stuff crammed into not one but two different kids’ rooms, our room, the kitchen, the living room, and the basement. I just want to make sure we’re done having children, so we’ll be climbing over and around baby stuff until I hit menopause. Should only be another ~30 years or so – we’ll be fine.
You have sent your daughter to school in the same outfit a dozen times but when you have her wear it on picture day, she will have a chocolate muffin for breakfast and use her blouse as a napkin.
You put a new TV in your sins room in the desperate hope he’ll watch TV when he wakes (every morning) so you can get an extra hours sleep at the weekend.
First morning – your husband has lost the remote so you have to get up and find it, lights on and everything. Then he happily watches a film while you’re now wide awake.
Sad but true story
**sons not sins
LOL or you brag about how easy it is to get your toddler to go to bed and from then on you dread bedtime because as soon as you finish the damn book she turns into a psycho. My daughter is a 2 year old Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde…..
Once while eating at an Asian restaurant my son who was about two/three starting “talking” to the server. He was trying to repeat the sounds she was making because he just thought she was playing around. I was mortified and apologized. Thankfully she realized he was not trying to be rude
You scrub the bathroom floor so it’s sparkling clean and your son decides to practice his aim immediately after.
You make a nice family meal, of which your toddler eats 3 bites and then exclaims that he is not hungry. Five minutes before bedtime, toddler is “SO hungry” and needs a snack!. EVERY. NIGHT.
My sister in law coined the “law of sandwiches”
If you make two children a full sandwich, they will each only eat half. If you make one sandwich and split it between them, they will both finish half and still be hungry.
Corollary: if they ask for more and you make a second sandwich for them to share, it will have no more than a single nibble from each kid.
My own Murphys laws:
the moment you tell anyone about your successful bedtime routine, your child will reject it.
When you judge another parent for their child’s bad behavior in public, your child will act the same way the next time you’re out
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