GIVEAWAY: Signed Copy of "Girl Walks into a Bar"
In addition to paying obscene amounts for our strollers and putting our names on waiting lists for summer camp before our children are even born, being a New York City parent means your kid has a slightly better than average chance of attending preschool alongside the offspring of previous cast members of Saturday Night Live.
In my case, Mazzy goes to preschool with Eli, son of Rachel Dratch.
Rachel, before she spent most of her time fending off stalkerish emails in which I insist we are best of mom friends, wrote a book called Girl Walks into a Bar about her life experiences as a comedian, a single person in Manhattan and in a surprise twist ending, a new mom at 44.
The book is hilarious (as dating in Manhattan tends to be), relatable (I used to perform SNL sketches too! Only for my parents in our basement!), but also surprisingly poignant. With all the internet snarkiness I am used to reading about parenting, it's refreshing to read Rachel's perspective, as someone who just feels lucky her life took an unexpected turn and she gets to be Eli's mom.
Today, Rachel was kind enough to answer twenty questions (it's my first celebrity interview!) and give away a signed copy of her book in the comment section below.
1. Explain your parenting philosophy in five words or less.
I don't really have one strong philosophy. Maybe "Live in the moment?" I'm not super rigid at all. I try to stick to a basic schedule but when things don't go as planned I try to go with the flow. Maybe that comes from my improv comedy background! In more trying times, I suppose my parenting philosophy is "Try not to lose your shit." That's six words though.
2. Are you in danger of getting kicked out of show biz for naming your kid something normal?
When I was pregnant I had a dream that our son was named Hercules. So we started calling him Herc in utero on a regular basis. Then it lost its jokey quality to me and I actually started thinking Herc sounded like a cool name. But I couldn’t go the distance with it. I think you can only pull off that name if you are Greek. And I wouldn’t have been able to deal with the double takes and questions. In the end I'm glad we named him Eli.
3. If you had to be the spokesperson for one baby product, what would you choose and why?
The Boppy Newborn Lounger. I had no idea what it was – someone gave it to me at my shower and it sat around for awhile until I busted it out and was like – "this is my salvation!" I’d plop Eli on it in the bathroom to take a shower on a daily basis. And, even though the label says not to do this – so please know this is not sanctioned by the good people at Boppy – my son had acid reflux and couldn't lie flat so when he was about six months, we let him sleep on the pillow.
4. What is the most ridiculous thing Eli ever had a tantrum over?
Luckily he hasn’t pitched many tantrums but the Biggie was like something out of a movie. I took him to see the model trains around Christmas time in Grand Central. He loved it so much that I realized, “Hmm, this is going to be a tough exit.” So I waited and waited as he watched the trains go around and around, until it was 6 o'clock and I had to pull the plug on the outing. After saying ten times, “Ok! We’re going to have to go soon!” I finally picked him up to take him out to leave. Commence screaming and crying, “I want the TRAAAINNS! I want the TRAAAINNS!” I’m wrestling him out of the building and I tried to step outside to get a cab (he is still screaming), but there were no cabs, so we go back in, and we end up in the very center of Grand Central by the clock when I had to put him down. He is lying on the floor screaming “I want the TRAAAINNS!” in the middle of rush hour. The place is packed with commuters and I can’t get him off the floor. You could almost see the camera panning out in the big crane shot. Someone helped me pick up his coat and of course in that moment when you do not want to be recognized she says over the din “Hey! Aren’t you from SNL?!”
5. Do you think being a celebrity helps or hurts when it comes to making mom friends?
I never really thought of that because I don’t really think of myself as a celebrity when I walk into a room full of people. It’s not like I’m so famous that I walk around thinking “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”
6. Who is your mom idol?
I guess my mom idol for a preschooler is my own mom, because my memories of her when I was that age are just of her being engaged, and thinking up fun things to do, and giving a feeling of safety and empathy. Now, the teenage years – that would be another story…
7. What's the weirdest parenting or pregnancy-related search term you've ever googled?
The first thing that comes to mind is when I first learned I was pregnant it was such a shock, and I had unknowingly been partaking of alcohol throughout the first month of the pregnancy. Because of my age, I had assumed I was going through some sort of early menopause. So the day I found out I was pregnant, my internet history read “Menopause” “Symptoms of menopause” “Alcohol in early pregnancy”.
8. What children's TV show gets the most airtime at your house?
We go through phases. First Elmo, then Mickey, and lately it’s all about Little Einsteins. I thought I would not have him watch TV at all at such a young age, but then practical life kicks in and it’s like – “I’ve got to take a shower this morning! I know he will stay still on the couch for this show.” It’s a slippery slope…
9. Which children's show makes you want to throw the remote at the television?
Eli used to wake up super early, like 5:30, and I was comatose. The only age appropriate thing on television at that time is Barney. The lilt in Barney’s voice and the way they talk-sing all their songs drove me insane. But then, I never thought I'd say this – I got used to it. Another show I simply cannot watch is Wow Wow Wubbzy. I turned it on once to watch and after a few minutes, I said aloud, in spite of myself, “This is fucking horrible.”
10. Which present or former SNL cast member would you most trust to watch your kid?
SNL is such a bonding experience. Even the people you don’t hang with in your spare time, you are still up there in front of millions on live TV and you are all relying on each other, so if I can trust them all up there in a scene, I can trust them all with my kid! That said, as far as who I would trust the MOST – besides the ladies, I'll say Will Forte. He could be my manny.
11. One day, when you decide to show Eli something of yours from SNL, which sketch do you think you'll show him first?
I’d show him this 80 year old Hollywood producer I used to do named Abe Scheinwald, because you can just take one look at me dressed as this guy and understand it’s supposed to be funny. Although seeing me like that might really confuse the kid.
12. If Debbie Downer showed up to a NYC preschool admissions tour, what would she say?
“Your kids are all so cute! Too bad there are 600 of you applying and only 16 will get in.” WAAAH WAAAAAH.
“When I was a kid, I played with blocks too. Only difference is, my parents didn’t pay 15 grand a year for me to do it.” WAAAH WAAAH
“PS. Hope your kid started music class already or you have a nanny who speaks Mandarin. You don’t? Well I guess the PS stands for public school then. Cuz that’s where you’re headed. Hope you’re in one of the GOOD districts or it’s time to start apartment shopping. That’s a fun thing to do in New York.” WAAAH WAAAAAH
13. You've got one hour of child-free, work-free time. What are you doing?
My honest answer is, I think about all the things I should do with that time – clean up, groceries, work out, write, call friends, buy some new clothes – and then I get paralyzed by all the options and end up wasting the time looking online.
14. What's the biggest advantage to having kids later in life?
I suppose it’s that I’ve already “done” the career thing – not that I don’t hope to continue my comedy career, but in terms of climbing the ladder to SNL, I feel like I’ve checked that off, and I’ve also done a lot of the travel/NYC nightlife stuff, so I don’t feel torn at all when it comes to staying home and living a more domestic life with my kid.
15. What's the biggest disadvantage?
If I could have had kids earlier, I would have, but that’s just not how it worked out for me. I feel so grateful that I even have a child – he was such a great surprise – so I don’t spend too much time dwelling on the what-ifs. So far I don’t feel like an “old mom” and I hope I can keep that going!
16. What was your proudest parenting moment thus far?
The best stuff is the stuff they surprise you with, that seems to have nothing to do with your parenting but when you just get to see their innate little self come out. I had a moment at a family party when Eli went out on the dance floor and was just jamming out in his little khakis for like a half hour, and was going up to everyone and clapping at them and being this mini life of the party! But that’s not really a parenting thing, it’s just a fun thing. I guess I’m glad at this point he seems generally happy and smiley, and I’m proud if I’m keeping up a nice facade over my cynical side. Also, since he is the first and only grandkid, it’s really fun seeing my parents flip out over him and all the joy he has added to their lives. He was a surprise for them too!
17. Why did you write Girl Walks into a Bar?
I started writing because the acting roles had slowed down and I had a lot of free time on my hands and I had spent enough of it watching daytime TV. I began as a creative exercise to see what it was like to write up a funny story when something unusual happened to me. Then those stories kind of sat around for awhile until a few years later I had the surprise real-life pregnancy plot twist and that’s when I started writing it all as a book in earnest. One cool little thing about the book is that when I was writing stories about the single girl at the baby shower, I didn’t know I would be having a baby later in the book!
18. What did John think of the book?
He was supportive and I think he liked how it turned out. It’s a vulnerable feeling to share such a personal story, so you want to be extra sensitive to the other people involved. John is in business and every so often he’ll be in a meeting or something and afterwards the person will say, “So… I read that book!” Somehow the scuttlebutt gets around!
19. What's harder— finding success as an actor, dating in Manhattan or parenting a two-year-old?
Wooooowwww. I love this question. This is my real answer: I’d say the easiest is parenting a two-year old, (and it ain’t easy!), followed by finding success as an actor, and the hardest has to be dating in Manhattan.
20. If a psychic were to predict your not so distant future, what would you hope she would say?
Ahh. You are referring to my psychic story in the book! (A psychic told me on my 43rd birthday that I would have a child, and I wasn’t even dating anyone, and I was like “Yeah, right.”) I would hope she would say, I get some really fun comedy job that doesn’t take too much time away from being a mom.
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GIVEAWAY RULES:
You must be a Mommy Shorts facebook fan to enter. Then answer the following question in the comment section below:
What was the worst date you ever went on?
Winner will be announced on Friday, April 26th (when I will also tell you about the cheapest man in the world, the guy who wore sweatpants, etc.) Good luck!
That would be the one where I accidentally shit on all of my boyfriend’s frat buddies…
“Try not to lose my shit” is my parenting motto, too. It works maybe 95% of the time!
I bought Rachel’s book the week it came out and devoured it – great read!
We drove across town to the big movie theater, but it was summer (in the south) and his car didn’t have air conditioning. During the movie he asked to ‘try something’ which was holding my hand. It was weird. And then later he showed me the scars where he had attempted to commit suicide. It was a bit much for a first date between teenagers.
Can’t they all be the worst? Dating sucks! But, I guess the worst was the guy who asked me my favorite sexual position over appetizers. Apparently, he was looking for a meaningful one night relationship.
The other worst was the guy I dated who was a corporate recruiter. It was like being on an interview ALL.THE.TIME.
I think that would have to be the de ja vu date, back in college – I’m on a date with a guy for the first time when I realize, nope, not the first time and I TOTALLY remember why we never went on a second date THEN. Do you tell him you forgot you went on a date with him already or just try to be nice and sit through the awful date all over again?
whoa, this one needs some more information.
She sounds delightful! So, the worst date I ever went on was with the son of one of my mom’s co-workers – they thought it would be fun to set us up. We went out one night over Christmas break when I was home from college – I was maybe 21 or 22. We both liked a local band called Fighting Gravity, so we decided to drive over 90 minutes from Richmond to Hampton Roads, VA, to see one of their shows. I don’t know what I was thinking; Rule #1 of blind dates: Keep them local! He picked me up at the mall as I came off a double shift at Britches Great Outdoors (this was during my grungy flannel phase). I hadn’t eaten all day and was STARVING and he kept promising to stop and get me something to eat but never did. We got to the show and made it through about two songs before I told him my blood sugar was dropping and I felt faint and really needed to eat something (there was no food at the venue we were at). So, we left. Only he took a wrong exit and we somehow ended up heading toward the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel to the eastern shore, which is, like, eleventy billion miles long. After screaming for him to turn around, we eventually made our way back to I-64 to head back to Richmond and he finally stopped at a McDonald’s (in the ghetto portion of Hampton Roads) so I could eat. In the end, he didn’t even walk me to the door.
I told my mom she was fired.
I worked as a receptionist at an airport fuel base operation (non-commercial flight stuff) and we regularly had a ton of marines that came through. After one such episode, I got a phone call. Long story short, a marine had picked my phone up off the counter and found out my cell phone number, and even after hearing that I still agreed to meet him for dinner. Stupid, I know, but I paid for it. He was such a cliche! He bragged about how many push ups he could do, kept checking himself out in all the reflective surfaces, and when I returned from the bathroom I found he’d ordered me the fishbowl-sized margarita, which he expected me to drink by myself! Obviously I left alone and blocked his number.
The worst date? The one where I went out with a guy for the 2nd time (first date was great) and he talked the entire time. I think I said three words all throughout dinner. He just kept babbling. I broke it off with him after that.
I kept thinking about this guy a week later and finally realized the incessant talking was really just a way for him to cover his nervousness. He had admitted to not being the most social guy. I reached out, went out again and now we’ve been married for 5 years and have a 2 year old.
I was a teenager and went out with this guy who kept saying “I wonder what you would do if I kissed you right now” and sneaking away from me to smoke cigarettes and then insisting that he didn’t smoke.
The next time he called he said he was getting a new job so that he could buy a really nice suit and take me out to a fancy restaurant and I blurted out “awww… don’t waste your money on that” and fortunately I never saw him in person again.
It seemed like it should have been a fun date… a guy from college asked me to dinner. I was 26 at the time… when I answered the door, he said, “Wow, you look good. I hardly recognize you.” At dinner, he proudly told me that he was 37 and lived with his mother. In order to laugh, he had to put his hand in his pocket (which I suspect was deep and angled towards the middle if you get my drift) and then peep like a giant baby chick, then snort. We went dancing at this awesome club at the top of a hotel in Newport Beach, CA, and he kept kissing the top of my head and breathing into my hair so much that the humidity from his breath flattened it. Then he drove about 80 miles an hour down my street, which was only a block long, lost control of the car, spun out and came to rest in front of my apartment complex. This is the point I jumped out and ran for my life back to my apartment. No, Keith, you won’t be getting another date. That’s a no.
It was a blind date (Internet dating). The guy was so dull. In a very sad attempt to say something, ANYTHING, I pointed out the symbol on his hat. “what does that symbol mean?” I know, I sunk to his level and became very lame, myself. He explains “I don’t know, I don’t usually wear a hat. I went golfing with my dad and got really sunburnt and I didn’t want you to see my head”. Then he takes off his hat and rubs he flakey, nasty melon. Dead, burnt skin all over the table. Ugh.
About 10 years ago I had just gotten divorced and was in custody negotiations (not all that amicable) over my 4 year old daughter. I had given internet dating a try, and ended up on a lunch date with this guy. Things are going ok, when he nonchalantly mentions that he is awaiting a sentence for punching someone in the face to the point of hospitalization. And this would not be his first offence – apparently he had some drug–related issues. So I am sitting there, jaw dropped, wondering HOW to get out of this. I tried to bring it to him gently that considering my custody issues, I could not exactly get involved with someone in that situation. He seemed genuinely surprised and hurt – didn‘t really think it was a big deal. Well, I did – and my ex for SURE would have.
My date took me to a really loud live music performance and proceeded to take custom earplugs out of a case for himself and did not offer anything to me to protect my hearing.
Oh god, I forgot about the fight stories! When he DID talk it was all about “then the bouncer grabbed him and, POW, right in the face, heh heh have, awesome”. Um, NOT awesome. Sorry.
Worst date…some guy rented “House of a thousand corpses” AWFUL terrifying Rob Zombie movie, after I said I dont like scary movies, and then proceeded to try to make out with me for the entire movie. Nothing like a horror film to put me in the mood…AND this was after I paid for dinner because he didn’t get paid until the following week. Good times
*heh heh ha not “heh heh have”. Silly autocorrect.
I was out on a date with someone I met online. We both lived near DC, and decided to meet at the International Spy Museum, which had a big display on 9/11 (I think it had pieces of one of the planes or something like that). Everyone around the exhibit seemed very moved by the experience, me included, except for my date, who proceeded to talk very loudly about how he thought that 9/11 was an inside job by our government and how things like this were just complete propaganda.
I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life.
Awww – that’s such a sweet story 🙂
Yes, please. DO TELL.
I don’t have a worst date. BUT yesterday, I had a kitchen guy here who was talking about caulk and which compelled me to You-Tube the SNL caulk sketch (if you’ve never seen it you must drop everything right now and go search it). Please give Rachel a huge hug for me the next time you’re dropping Mazzy off at school because that one ranks in my top 10 favorites of all time. I adore her.
My worst date would have had to have been when a friend set me up with a dude from India, he spent the whole time telling me about how he grew up in a mansion with servants and how rich his family was (in India). Followed by “My mother would really like us to have at least 4 kids, and of course we’ll live with her for the first 7 or 8 years. When should we consider getting married?”
It was like the worlds worst job interview that somehow I didn’t know I was on and still passed. First and last time I saw him.
date in college where I didn’t understand a word that the guy was saying because of his heavy Norwegian accent
My Senior Prom – I was dating a guy in college and didn’t want to ask him to come to a high school prom (especially since we weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend, I had to play it cool and felt childish asking him) so my friend brought along her boyfriends friend who went to another high school. I didn’t really care, because it meant that the group pictures would be even and I figured he’d hang out with his friend the whole time. So we met – he seemed nice enough – went to dinner then headed to the dance. We ended up being a little late and they were about to announce who won prom king and queen right when we walked in, so I went straight to the ballroom since my friends were on the prom court. However, my date got all upset and tried to pull me into the 45 min line for professional pictures. Which I absolutely was not doing, especially since I had just met him and had zero interest in paying for pictures with a stranger. He proceeded to sulk the rest of the night and complain about how bitchy I was. Apparently he didn’t get the memo that we were going as just ‘friends’ (even though it wasn’t even friends since i just met him that night) and he thought it was more of a date. But here’s where it gets good – once we got back to my friends house for the after party, he reallllly had to use the bathroom (now mind you, my friend had a large house and there were 4! FOUR! bathrooms on the first floor he could have easily used) but he decided he needed to use her upstairs bathroom and started running up the stairs. As he was running up the stairs, he undid his pants (I guess so he didn’t have to waste time once up there?) but unfortunately, he didn’t make it to the toilet. Instead he DIARRHEA’ED ALL the way up my friends WHITE Stairs!!!!!!! And wasn’t even sorry about it. THEN! He asked US – the Girls – if WE could clean it up!!! Obviously we did no such thing and handed him cleaning supplies! Worst Prom Date EVER!
Most of my dates have been pretty boring…the worst/most embarrassing one for me was a first date where we went to lunch at Panera. The conversation was awkward and I got all nervous (read sweating like a pig)-didn’t realize til the date was over that I was wearing my shirt backwards AND inside out. Funny thing is, 11 years later, we’re married and are expecting our first child. I’m not sure what that says about him though.
My worst date was my first date ever. I was 16 and a 20-year-old army guy asked me out. I lived in a small farming community, pretty much just like where Leave It To Beaver was filmed. My (paranoid and NYC-bred) dad insisted my date come to OUR house to have dinner. He did! Then he asked if he could take me out for ice cream. My dad said, only if you take your brothers (who were 10 and 12 at the time.)So off we went for my “date”, two tween brothers in tow. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy, and I never saw him again. Thanks dad.
After reading other people’s dating stories, I thank God I never had to really date. Married my high school sweetheart; I don’t think I’d be good at the adult dating scene.
When I was a teen a super cute guy with a great car asked me out. He took me to Denny’s where we made small talk about school and our interests. He didn’t go to my school so I didn’t know anything about him. During the date he gave me 3 different ages and in the end I had to ask for his ID to learn that he was 19 and not even in high school anymore. Not cause he graduated mind you. Apparently he was concerned that I’d take issue with his age and was trying various numbers on for size. Lol
That would be the one where I pretended to be 18 and agreed to go out with a fellow mall employee who said he was 23. Over dinner, I accidentally reported my real age (15–terrifying, right?). He was totally shocked but admitted that he was actually 30. He drove me home pretty much immediately. Almost 20 years later, the thought of that night still really creeps me out!
I love Rachel Dratch!!!!!!!!!!
That said, my worst date EVAH was with my good friend’s twin brother. He had been crushing on me and I didn’t have the heart to say no. To cope with the idea of being in public with him, I pre-gamed. I was feeling niiiice by the time he picked me up and the entire dinner, I just kept saying (loud) stuff like, “It would be so weird if we, like, DID IT! It would be, like, I was having sex with your SISTER! That would make me a LESBIAN!” The passers-by found me amusing. My date did not. His loss. Lesbians are awesome.
Met a great guy online and decided to meet in person. Of course, spent the obligatory 2 hours getting ready and another 20 minutes in the car to the meet spot. I waited for the guy. He shows up. Missing one tooth. Tells me how pretty I am and wishes he could stay, but he had to go drive to Philly to bail his brother out of jail. Didn’t even walk me back to my car. Toothless a$$hole.
WOW. Talk about burying the lede!
The worst date I ever went on is the story my friends always beg me to tell. My boyfriend was in the Army and I hadn’t seen him for months so at Christmas time I flew to his parents house in Colorado. Wanting some alone time together, we decided to get some milkshakes and go for nice drive with the sunroof open under the stars. After about 20 minutes of flying down the highway I started to feel very warm. And got hotter and hotter until I realized it was that dreaded heat that comes when you know you are really not feeling well. I told my boyfriend that I really needed to go to the bathroom. He informed me that the next exit was a few miles away and to just hold on. I couldn’t. I said “You’re going to have to pull over because I have to go NOW!” He pulled over next to some kind of field along the highway and I started sprinting into it to find some kind of cover to do my urgent business. As I’m running and searching there are flashing blue lights all of a sudden. A police officer approaches my boyfriend, probably to ask him why some woman is apparently fleeing his vehicle and headed for the woods, and then starts heading towards me asking if everything is okay. As I’m explaining to him that I am just not feeling well tonight (whenever you say that someone always assumes you mean vomit) the dreaded happens. Cannot be stopped, cannot be controlled, filling my pants and running down my legs unbeknownst to the cop or my boyfriend. I really don’t know what was happening but I think the officer left after informing us that there was an exit a few miles away. My boyfriend walked up to me, saw that I was crying, and knew what had happened. He very sweetly said,”It’s okay. Let’s just get home.” To which I had to reply, “I’m not done yet.”
I have 3 really awful not-that-funny dating stories. I’m soooo happy that part of my life is behind me.
I was 18, stupid, & careless. A friend of mine introduced me via email or im or something to a friend of hers. We went out once, & he seemed nice. When I started talking about a concert festival I wanted to go to, he offered to take me. & pay for all of it. He refused to camp & got a hotel. I was excited. Did I mention I was 18 & stupid?
On the several-hour-long drive, we got to know each other better. We had already spent hours talking on the phone & online, but this was different. I began to realize I effing hated this guy.
We got to the hotel & checked in. Two beds! Yay! I don’t remember exactly what happened, but I recall being not as nice as he hoped, & he got all pouty, & ended up crying in my bed, while I halfheartedly patted him & said comforting things.
The next morning I decided I wanted to go home. He was pissed, can’t blame him there, & spent the entire drive back alternately yelling at me for being a bitch & having to pull over because he was sobbing too hard to drive.
The day after THAT, he sent me flowers, which I gave to my best friend. I told him not to contact me again. The End.
Story 2:
My 19th birthday. My then-boyfriend took me to the local Renaissance festival where I had worked the previous year. I was really looking forward to going & getting to see all of the things that I hadn’t really gotten to experience while working & also to see some old friends. He had mentioned that we had to stop & say hi to an old girlfriend of his that he had recently started talking to again, which, ok, whatever, I kept in contact with lots of my exes too. I realized eventually that I knew the girl & had worked with her there the previous year. Apparently, he failed to mention that in his communications with her he hadn’t mentioned that he’d be bringing his girlfriend, & she had assumed that there was something romantic in his meeting her there. When we saw her, she was heading for him with her arm raised to slap him in the face, which he ducked, & then he slowly lowered her to the ground- he didn’t push her or anything, just prevented her from hitting him or me. It was totally bizarre, & we left, fearing a mob riot. Honestly.
I wish that were the end of the story. We went back to his house, & I got dressed, as he was going to take me to some club or something. We sat around for a little while, & he started being crazy & mean & yelling at me & I ended up sitting on the corner of the bed crying. A few minutes later, he looked at me with confusion & asked why I was crying- he genuinely seemed to have no idea what had just taken place. He was nuts.
I honestly wish that was the end of our relationship, but it wasn’t. It was one of my worst birthdays ever.
The 3rd story took place sometime between the two, & was less crazy than the others but still weird, & probably a little funnier.
I went out with some guy I had met online. He started telling me this lengthy story about how he or his father or someone knew someone who worked for NASA or was associated with some space shuttle somehow. He went on about how when the shuttle came back, diamonds had formed under the shutters. He then produced one of these “diamonds”, & gave it to me, telling me about how much it was worth & that it was one of the rarest things in the world.
Minutes later, he asked me if I wanted to make out. I said no. I left shortly after that.
Months later, I still had the stupid “diamond” laying around in a pile of stuff & decided, what the heck, I’ll take it to a jewelry store & see if it really is worth anything. They said it was a zircon, not unlike any other zircon, & worthless. Yeah, I could have figured that out on my own.
Thank GOODNESS I met my husband not too long after all of these events.
I was a really stupid teenager.
So cool that she answered these questions. Great background to the book. My worst date was with this weird guy at work, who kinda asked me out while we were clocking out. He had never spoken a word to me before, so he caught me off guard, so of course I mumbled “sure” and regretted it. For the date, we went on a hike, and then he asked if I wanted ice cream afterwards. Of course I turned it down because it was an awkward date and I wanted to go home immediately. After I refused a few more dates, he quit that job, I think. (I’m a an FB fan and hope to win!)
” Apparently, he failed to mention that in his communications with her he hadn’t mentioned that he’d be bringing his girlfriend,” is a stupid sentence. Ugh. “he hadn’t mentioned to her” will suffice, sorry about that.
Too much vodka + passing out + frat boys carrying my dead weight down a flight of stairs + shitting all over them while passed out + boyfriend taking me to the hospital = worst date ever.
BUT – that’s when he realized how much he cared about me because I shit all over his friends, and he still wanted to be with me. And now we’ve been married for 11 years…
It was Even Steven’s friends that you shit on in college? No wonder you cut his toenails.
It wasn’t a really bad date. More like, really unfortunate. This was a meet-up with someone I had been talking with online, which I had done before, so I wasn’t worried (always meet them in public places!). Anyway, I was pretty excited to go ice skating for this date, and when I get there and meet him (still cute, just like his pictures), he says, “H-h-h-h-hi. H-h-h-ow a-a-are yo-yo-you?” No freakin’ way. In the weeks we had been chatting, he neglected to inform me that he has a pretty severe stutter. Seriously. Nearly every word was accompanied with a stutter.
Don’t get me wrong. The stutter, itself, was not a deal-breaker (I’m not quite that shallow), but the fact that he didn’t TELL ME about it was pretty suck-y. So I got to spend the next 2.5 hours (we already had dinner plans after skating) being the primary conversationalist because he was clearly uncomfortable doing a lot of talking, which made ME uncomfortable. Total bummer.
My worst “date” was when I went to a party with my then boyfriend, only to realize he had brought me to a swingers party! I was so offended/horrified I spent the rest of the party crying in my car. I should have left his dumbass there but, no, I waited for him and drove us home. The other one was when I was a Junior in high school and my boyfriend and I had just broken up, but decided to still go to a dance together that he had asked me to BEFORE we broke up. Everything he did that night annoyed the shit out of me (I broke up with him, he was trying to get me back) and was just so AWKWARD.
I freakin LOVE Rachel Dratch, tell her hello for me? Lol
I’m moving to Manhattan to live with you and Rachel. That’s a literal statement. You can have joint custody of me. I will be your nanny.
Dating, oh man. The worst? It was in NYC, dontcha know? I got perilously drunk (underage, to boot!), grabbing my date in his man-pants region in front of half a dozen of his friends, and slinked off to the bathroom where I locked the door, sat down, and passed out. Imagine the HaPpY FuN tImEs!!!! when my date and the manager broke open the door and I started puking.
Why yes, we did have a second date. I’m THAT charming.
Fantastic and hilarious interview. Now I can’t wait to read the book!
My college boyfriend took me on a surprise Valentine’s double date with his roommate and his roommate’s girlfriend (my best friend).
They took us skiing, but since neither her nor I could ski, they signed us up for lessons and left us by ourselves the entire night.
Awesome.
Also, I did not marry this man.
This doesn’t even compare to many of the horror stories above, but the worst by far was a Match.com blind date that I went on with him and a huge group
Of his friends who I had never met. We went to dinner and then out for drinks. He left me standing with his friends to make awkward small talk
While he went to fetch some drinks for us. Only a
Few minutes later I turn around to see him buying a drink and sneakily exchanging numbers with a girl
Standing at the bar. The worst part was he drove and I was in no
Position to drive after several glasses of wine at dinner, so I had to tolerate the rest of the night with his lame friends knowing it was going NO WHERE.
Hi Rachel! Big fan of yours. Thanks for interviewing her for us Mommy Shorts!
Okay, bad date story- sadly it isn’t as exciting as shitting my pants- see above, but it was miserable anyway.
I’m in my 20s it’s the early 90s. Sure, I was a Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place fan myself. But the appeal of going out on a date trumped tv. Apparently, not to this guy. He picks me up at my apartment. Then he remembers he hasn’t set his VCR (no DVR yet back then) for 90210 and Melrose Place. We drive all the way back to his apartment so he can set his VCR. He talked the entire night. The ENTIRE NIGHT. He never let me say anything. We went out for Chinese and the only thing he said about me was that he’d never seen a girl use chopsticks.
And then he doesn’t call ME back the next day or want to see ME. Whatever.
So there you go.
Oh. My. God. LMAO!!!
The worst date was NYE when I was only a 12 or so weeks pregnant. I felt horrible, my outfit was tight, I couldn’t drink, and the place we went to was way more expensive than we expected. I couldn’t wait to get home that night.
I adore Rachel Dratch and am SO glad you had this interview!
My worst date was to junior prom. I went with my friend’s boyfriend’s friend as a favor to her – the boys went to a different school, and he didn’t have a date. We didn’t know each other, but who doesn’t like an excuse to get all dressed up? The whole night was pretty awkward, but after the dance we went for a walk by the canal and he impulsively grabbed my hand. Several steps later, he pulled me toward him and kissed me hard. Then he threw up on me and ran away. What a magical evening.
First date with my cousins college roommate occurred in my grandpas basement surrounded by my entire crazy family. My cousin was not happy we were dating and gave us the evil eye the entire time. We had been talking on the phone for awhile and had to hold hands under a pillow and pretend like we didn’t even know each other. Horribly uncomfortable. But worked out great, bc we have been together for 11 years! Also, just thankful My story isn’t as good as Anna’s. LOL
I was dating an older guy who was still not over his last girl. It was my birthday and we were supposed to go out to eat but instead he ended up conducting a phone interview with porn star Ron Jeremy (he was a writer) while I watched Star Trek reruns with the sound off. Then we went to the mall where – oh joy! we ran into his ex. Then we went to see a dumb movie of his choosing and I did not get a present.
First of all, he brings me hydrangeas, I absolutely LOATHE hydrangeas. So I throw them at this passerby on a motorbike. Then he tries to open the car door for me and I’m like, buddy you just saw me throw a bouquet of ugly flowers at a moving target; I think my hand-eye coordination skills are developed enough to open a door.
So then he drives me to some apartment building and I’m all, “This isn’t The Four Seasons!”
And he goes, “Durrrrrrrr…. I cook dinner. Eat on roof”
So I’m thinking things couldn’t possibly get worse.
Wrong.
When we get inside- HE. DOESNT. LET. ME. PUSH. THE. ELEVATOR. BUTTON.
Yeah, I made him carry me home after that!
Loser.
The worst date I ever went on was when I met up with a guy at a bar in college for a drink and he left with my roommate. Fun times!
Well, lucky me, I don’t have a terrible date to share. My first date was was my last date. Over 10 years later, we’re happily married with a 15-month old! The joys of meeting the love of life at the age of 18….
My worst date would have to be… I went over to this guy’s house to hang out (drink and smoke, I was a rebellious teenager). I have never been a heavy drinker so it doesn’t take much for me to get drunk. I tend to always realize how drunk I actually am when I stand up (weird, I know), and we happened to be sitting down outside.
Well, we went inside to um.. get a little frisky. I’m not sure how to appropriately say this but, he started out on top and then I got on top. Well, the alcohol got sloshed around and I started puking uncontrollably.
He ran the shower for me (freezing cold water, jerk) and I just sat in there with freezing cold water hitting me. He came in to check on me and I freaked out because I didn’t want him to see me naked.. although we just had sex. Ha, ironic right?
Worst date ever? Half way through the meal, he asked where I worked. I told him I worked at a call center. His response? ‘Well, when you get a real job, like me…’. I was 18. Working at a call center paid almost double what minimum wage was. I was young, and crazy, and free. Flexible hours and great pay? It was a perfect fit for the time being. Fast forward six years, I’m married with two kids, a mortgage, and an SUV. I have the best ‘job’ ever as a stay at home mom. That guy? Still single, still working that same dead-end ‘real’ job. Did I mention the first night we met he dry humped me for half an hour? I should have taken that as a warning sign…
While at a movie with a guy, I happened to glance over and catch him nibbling on his TOENAILS! I have never sat through such a long movie! To top it all off, when he dropped me off he tried to plant a big wet one on me! Uh, no thanks buddy. I’ve seen where that mouth has been, and it isn’t pretty! Not even a whole container of tic tacs could save that date!!
I “dated” this guy in college (Rachel and my alma mater); we’ll call him Blob. Blob was a senior and I was a freshman. Blob was also an alcoholic. For our first date, he didn’t show up. When I called him at his frat house, they informed me that he was playing Ship (which is a beer pong game in which you drink 15 beers). He later called me drunk, brought me flowers, profusely apologized, and asked me out again. For our second date, he played a game of Ship earlier that day, and passed out and slept through our date time. Did I tell him to go to hell? Nope, we went on a date. He drank milk; I thought it was charming. Months later, he peed the bed that we were both sleeping in. I finally came to my senses.
I was 18, very naive, and thought let’s hang out meant exactly that. We hung out by the beach and there was a fireworks show that night so we stayed to watch it. I started to get this weird vibe from him. All of a sudden he grabs me and tries to start making out with me. I started freaking out, got in his car, and demanded to be taken home. I didn’t even know it was a date!
Fast-forward 6 years, an old friend of mine says, “Hey, remember So and So?” Of course I did. “Well, he’s being tried for murdering his ex-fling and their baby son.” I about fell over. So that’s my worst date ever, and he did turn out to be a murderer.
I went out with a guy for a movie but he had gotten the time wrong, so instead of going to do something else, he sat in the movie theater lobby staring into the distance and barely speaking to me for 2 HOURS until the theater doors opened up enough for us to go sit in the boring music and commercial part until the movie started another 30 minutes later. We saw ” Just Friends” which is barely what our relationship stayed as after.
A blind date where I felt really self-conscious of my vocabulary and a cold sore. :-/
Went out with a friend of a friend of a friend who I had met at a bar several days prior. When he came to pick me up, he asked if I wanted to go to a local park for a walk (sure! Sounds perfect!)…. And to see a spider that lived near a creek there. Obviously, it was a rare kind of spider and he spent a lot of time visiting it, since he didn’t have a job. He spent most of the time we were walking talking about how much he hated Corporate America. The small, family-owned company I worked for at the time was included. The fact that his apartment was so messy that his family wouldn’t come over anymore also came up several times. (You don’t have a job! What do you do all day? Oh yeah… Hang out with a spider.) Then we went out to dinner, although I knew it was a lost cause at that point. We almost had to leave the restaurant when he found out there was no Smoking Section. Then he spent a decent amount of time at the bar talking to a girl he knew. That was actually fine by me, since the time he was at the table was spent arguing over the show Curb Your Enthsiasm. I hated the show, and thought Larry David’s character was jerk. He said he loved the show, and his mom says that it’s because he just like him. On the drive to my house, he told me about his 19 year old ex-girlfriend, who he still had feelings for. And then he told me all the reasons he prefers to date “women” of that age. (I was 26 at the time. He was maybe 30?). Suffice to say, there was no goodbye kiss or talk of calling or a second date. I’ve been with the next guy I date for the last ten years.
WOW, there’s no way I could compete with these stories! I actually didn’t date much in my 20’s, I was the classic serial monogamist. (And very happy to be married to the right guy now!) So, I have some bad previous relationship stories, but not really any bad date stories.
The worst one I can think of was when I was a teenager, and a male friend of mine invited me to hang out. I didn’t realize this was his code for “going out on a date,” I thought we were just hanging out as friends. I had several guy friends at the time and didn’t think this was anything different. We couldn’t find anything to do and ended up driving around aimlessly for a couple of hours, including driving around a field for “fun,” etc. When he finally takes me home, he says, “I’m sorry, I’m not much of a fun date,” and I was like, “Whaaa??? This was a date???”
Love Rachel Dratch, and that interview was awesome! I’ll probably check out her book on my own, since there’s no way I’ll win this contest. lol.
Was racking my brain to figure out which date was the worst, when I read the one above about the senior prom. My worst was when this guy from another high school took me to his junior prom. In hindsight, I think he was dealing with depression and some other serious issues. I wasn’t interested in him, but I wasn’t going to my own junior prom and was friends w/another girl at his school and thought it would be fun. Wrong. He went to a small school, and after dinner, EVERYONE ELSE got up to dance except us. I asked if he wanted to, and he replied, “No, I don’t dance.” And so we sat there watching and not talking. For what seemed like forever. I never went out with him again, but he called and called and called. I was an awkward teenager myself, but finally I managed to tell him that I wasn’t interested, that we didn’t have much in common, and that I didn’t want him calling anymore. He seemed to protest and when I said this couldn’t be much fun for him, that we had hardly anything to say to each other, he responded “But we had all those long silences between us!” ?!? I believe he ended up getting expelled from his school before graduation for throwing a chair at a teacher. He reached out to me again during Thanksgiving break of our freshman year of college (we were at different colleges). He asked for my email address and I lied that I hadn’t set up email yet! (A lie that could only work in 1995 or earlier). 🙂
There was an episode of How I Met Your Mother where this happened. They went to the same restaurant, too, because it was Ted’s “first date place”. When they both finally realized it, they laughed about it and then decided to give each other tips on what they had done wrong and why there wasn’t a second date.
I read this whole post when it came out and somehow missed the part of “share your worst date”! Bummer! I so coulda been a contender!
There was the guy who expected me to pay my own entrance into a dollar theater.
The guy I met when I bumped into my lawyer at a restaurant who invited me over for a home cooked meal. Know why? Because he was wearing an ankle monitor as part of his bail agreement! He was awaiting trial for domestic violence. (His lunch with the lawyer was court approved.)
Or the guy who I flew down to see in Orlando; took me out to a club, and completely disappeared! Didn’t see him for two hours! We went back to his place, he tried to put the moves on me, and after I rebuffed him he went to his room, slammed the door and locked it. When it was about time for me to leave to go back to the airport, I couldn’t wake him up for a ride. Pre-cell phone days, I had to dig through his apartment to find his phone, call information for a cab company and pay almost $100 to get home. (Well, he at least called and gave a half-assed apology the next day.)
I have more, too! But those three popped into my head first. 🙂 Dating sucks. I think I need to go hug my husband now.
By the way, tell us about the cheapest man in the world and the guy who wore sweatpants!
Ha your response made me laugh nearly as much as that crazy date story!
That’s amazing. And your dad is awesome. Hilarious.
If this is supposed to be funny, you missed.
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Amazing blog! Do you have any helpful hints for aspiring writers?
I’m planning to start my own blog soon but I’m a little lost on everything.
Would you suggest starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a
paid option? There are so many options out there that I’m totally confused ..
Any suggestions? Bless you!