If you haven't heard, there's a new book out called "I Just Want to Pee Alone" by "a bunch of kickass mom bloggers".
If you scan the names of the people who wrote essays for the book (Julianna Miner from Rants from Mommyland, Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Brenna from Suburban Snapshots, Nicole from Ninja Mom and virtually every other funny mom blogger in existence), you will notice that I am not amongst them.
Cue sad trombone.
I'd love to go on a rant about how I was not considered kickass enough to contribute, but the truth is, when they asked for submissions, it was right after Harlow was born and I just couldn't swing it. I was at a point where I was trying to exercise my right to say "no" for the greater good of my family (and sanity) and unfortunately, when I finally did say "no", I said "no" to the wrong thing.
Not that I actually said "no". I just kind of ignored the request and totally underestimated how bummed I would be when the book came out and I wasn't included.
Especially when the essays have hilariously kickass titles like:
I love Disney World. No Wait, That Whole Title is a Typo…..By Karen of Baby Sideburns
Eat Poop, Laugh. No, I Did Not Forget a Comma…..by Patti of Insane in the Mom Brain
In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Penis….by Bethany of Bad Parenting Moments
So She Thought She Could Cut Off My Stroller….by Keesha of New Mom's Stage
A Stranger in the Land of Twigs and Berries…..by Suzanne of Toulouse and Tonic
The Tale of Two Vaginas….by Susan of Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
and so on.
See? Aren't you sad that you weren't included too???
The only other bloggers missing that I can tell, are Jill from Scary Mommy, Nicole from Moms Who Drink and Swear, Amber from Parenting Illustrated with Crappy Pictures, and Leanne from Ironic Mom, but they all have a much better excuse than I do— they have THEIR OWN BOOKS coming out.
So, what's a blogger without an amazon author profile to do besides write a book of her own?
Let's start with a title, shall we?
Today, the awesome bloggers behind "I Just Want to Pee Alone" are letting me give away a copy of the book to one lucky reader. I just need you to answer one simple question in the comment section below.
What would you title your momoir?
Best answer wins. You must be a Mommy Shorts Facebook Fan to enter. Winner will be announced on Friday.
Good Luck!
“I Know Where I Kept It In the Last House; This One, Not So Much” by Continuously Moving Military Mama.
“We stuck on ice cubes and popsicles, sweetheart, not the stick of butter.”
“First to Rise, Last to Bed. No I’m not an Overachiever, I’m a Mom.” by X. Hausted
“We don’t strangle the cat, pee on the couch, or lick the floor,” The stories behind phrases I never imagined I would have to say.
“I Always Wanted Purple Hair”
“Pee in the Night – Tales of a Screaming Baby”
“Is that marble shaped excrement shoved in the dinosaurs mouth or are ya’ happy to see me…?”
I think a book compiling your infographics would be awesome, so I like your Momonomics title. As for my life’s memoir, I’d call it: “It gets easier: and other lies parents tell you”
“Everything I Know About Parenting, I Learned from Google.”
“Step Away from the binky!”
“Dad said the only snake I can have is a TROUSER snake.” When laughter is a better choice than murder.
“Get off the pole and don’t lick it (it’s the playground people)”.
“Wait a minute… You’re supposed to take one of those pills EVERY day?!”
“Raising teenagers, one Prozac at a time”
The good, the bad and the horrendous!!!
“Don’t stick that in your nose! And other things that I never thought I would say.”
Motherhood: I’m still alive, and so are they. Must be doing something right.
“Stacie’s my name and shit is my game”. We had an brant and 3 cats at the time. Poop was the only constant.
That should say an INFANT and 3 cats. Sigh.
Currently, my memoir would be called: ” ‘I’m too busy!!’ and Other Reasons My Three-Year Old Won’t Go to Bed”
I’m sure the next fun stage will have a whole new title along the lines of “We Don’t Color on the Baby with Sharpie: True Stories From a Two-Child Household.”
The tale of the tagteaming 2; why have 1 crying baby when you can have 2?
I love how you gals all support each other! Seems like a really great community of bloggers you’ve got going on. I would call my book “Adult Conversation: Because I haven’t had any in 3 years”
“Why are your underpants in the middle of the yard?! And other mothering moments making me regret not becoming a Buddhist monk when I had the chance”
The gory details of how I try not to completely lose my sh*t every. single. day.
“Motherhood is Soooo much easier than I thought it would be!”… Said no Mom ever!
“Poop Fish”
Or why your day was better than mine.
“Oh dear God, it’s everywhere! The blow-outs you never saw coming.”
“Was that the baby?! Tales from a jumpy Mom”
“‘I Need to Go Get My CRAP!’ and Other Inappropriate Mispronounciations by My Kids in Church. (and yeah, that happened last week–he was trying to say CRAFT.
“Wipe Me”
Give Me The iPad and Get Out of The Dog Crate: Toddler Rearing at Its Finest
“You Have One Mo’ Time To Do That Again: Cautionary Tales and Breathing Exercises”… the prequel to “Put My Hands on You: How to “beat” getting physical.
“Fix Ya Face When You’re Talkin’ to Me”… a book about tweens and their attitudes.
This is fun! LOL!!! And cathartic, sadly. 😀
One Red Sock Will Turn the Whole Load Pink
Title: Where’s My F*ing Village?!
Subtitle: Raising kids away from extended family (aka Grandparents & free babysitters)
It’s Just A Phase (For The Next Thirty Years)
“Where are we going, mom?” “Crazy. And you’re driving.”
Growing Violet In The Oil Patch: The Trials and Errors of a Single Married Mom
“I’ll be dead before these two leave for college” A story of a stay at home and her exhaustion.
Mommy 007: The Double Life of a Working Mom
A Tale of Two Boobs
First half would chronicle the abuse my boobs have suffered since having children. The second half would be about those two children. 🙂
“Eat like a human, use your fingers!” or, “Hand boogers!” Great moments in parent child interaction
“If you want to continue wearing pants to school, you’d better stop woo-hooing on your knees” (Or, Things I’ve Said That Need More Context)
“Don’t take parenting advice from Harris Teeter shoppers: Take it from me.”
Mine would be, “Is it Bedtime Yet?” subtitled “It’s 8 O’Clock Somewhere.”
I only had time to shave one armpit.
Thing 1 and Thing 2: A Cautionary Tale
“Starch, the only food group.”
“You are NOT baby Jesus!”
“No, we cannot name your poop.”
“Get the cat out of your mouth.”
“How I became a Saint; by raising 3 boys under the age of 6.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
“Why is a Crooked Letter Because I Said So”
“Pizza and beer got me here…a Real Life warning for madly-in-love twenty-somethings”. With the sequel: “I should have at least demanded wine….”
“The Horrible Threes: Because The Terrible Twos Just Doesn’t Last Long Enough”
Your #s 7 and 11 are my favorites!!
Finger through the wet wipe
“I Grew a Penis! and other tales from the Mom of a boy”
Twins, Three Dogs & a Two Bedroom House: tips on how to go insane
I have a few titles in mind:
Playing in the Bathroom
The Dreaded Silence
Who Just Farted?
How and When Did You Get Here?
and
When Mommy’s Bed Just Isn’t Big Enough
“Puddles of Spittle & Piddle… A Single Mom’s Tale of Survival (So Far)
Lack of Control: A Tale of Leaking 5 Holes
“Parenting in Absentia: Confessions of Max & Ruby’s Mom.”
“Diary of a not-so-perfect-wino, oops, did that say wino? I mean mommy.” By No Mas pantalones
What birth control do I currently use? Let me introduce you to my child…
also, “I paid money for this??? I didn’t even get an orgasm out of it! (tales of infertility)”
Respect My College Degree! Just Kidding. I Wipe Poop.
“My husband is sick, oh great….I can only handle one whiny baby at a time!”
“Is that poop, chocolate, blood, or jelly? Ugh, it doesn’t even matter anymore.”
“My life is covered in vomit and excrement. Tales from a mom with two kids and two pets”
“Terrible twos, thunderous threes, formidable fours. I highly doubt sixteen will be very sweet.”
“Don’t worry honey, I’ll wash the dishes (and other things you aren’t likely to hear from your spouse)”
“Do Not stand in the window when you have no underwear on! Things I can’t believe I say daily to my kids.”
“One . . Two . . . You’d better hope I don’t get to three!”
how to feed a child who cant eat horror storys from the mom of an allergic child
we dont bite doctors ….
im sorry i dropped the shampoo on your head tales from a single mom trying to shower
All I wanted was a one-night stand.
Reading a bedtime story, and NEVER skipping a page
“Please Stop Poking Me With That: Seriously. Why is someone ALWAYS touching me?”
“Why some Animals Eat Their Young and other things motherhood has taught me”
Parenthood is a four letter word: equal parts love and *#!%
“How Did The Poop Reach Your Shoulder?!”
Bedtime: when a non talking toddler wants to talk.
Someone is always flashing me their parts-a memoir from a mom (and wife) of boys
Mom’s Genes
The Wheels on the Bus Have Just Broke The F* Off: A Mom’s Real Life Moment When She Realize’s She’s Out of Wine.
“Where is the Damn Tupperware Lid” and Other Life Altering Questions.
The buddy system and other exuses for having another baby.stupid, stupid, stupid….. 🙂
“No, Mommy DOESN’T want to wipe your tushie”
“It’s not a ‘high five’ when you hit me on the face.”
“Ask your Father, he’s always right: How to wash your hands properly (of difficult parental issues) in 15 seconds.”
“Joining the PTA – and Other Evening Escape Plans to Avoid Bedtime Bedlam”
…or…
“Cleaning With Children – a True Grime Story”
(This is my first post, but I’ve been reading for just about a year 🙂 Hilarious as always! Sorry that you missed out on the book.)
Heather
I Used to Think Hemorrhoids Were Embarrassing, Then I Had Kids. A memoir of all the things that no longer phase me.
Preschool, Pinterest, and Prozac (not necessarily in that order)
It took me most of the day, but this is what I’ve come up with.
“I’m a mom of 3. Ages 4, 5, and 36. No. That’s not a typo.”
Nuggets of Wisdom: Shit they don’t tell you about parenthood
I am the Itsy Bitsy Spider: The rain keeps coming, and I keep climbing.
“I just pooped a rocket come check it out mom!… and other things you never thought your daughter would say.”
Totally
Confessions of a stay-at-home mama
Things they never tell you about breastfeeding…
You can’t booze when you have a baby: And other moral standards I have shattered since becoming a mom!
Dinning at trendy restaurants , perky C cup boobs, and personal hygiene: a tale of three mythical creatures…
“Stop Putting Stickers on Your Vagina” and Other Things I Never Expected to Have to Say Out Loud.
I LOVE this!
“Please Don’t Pick My Nose While I’m Talking to Your Teacher.”
“Your weiner is not a toy” and Other Adventures of Having a Boy
“When Poop Becomes More Fascinating Than Twilight”
ps. I am a Mommy shorts fb fan. Meg Yaniglos.
Keeping Them Alive ‘Til Eighteen: How I Lowered My Expectations of Myself and Learned to Love Parenting
Pee-Soaked: The life of the mom of a boy.
Thanks for the Mammaries: A Postbreastfeeding Mother’s Reflections on her Journey from B’s to the High of D’s, all the way Back and Beyond Ending with Tennis-ball-in-tubesock A’s. (*includes the Popular Bikini Season Debate: Surgery vs. Victoria’s Secret vs. Timing Another Baby So By Bathing Suit Season the Tummy is (Naturally) Returned to Former Glory But the Breast Blossoming Still Remains).
That is a great one!!!
I think mine would have to be “Don’t Sit at the Bottom of the Slide: Rules for Life”