If you haven't heard, there's a new book out called "I Just Want to Pee Alone" by "a bunch of kickass mom bloggers".
If you scan the names of the people who wrote essays for the book (Julianna Miner from Rants from Mommyland, Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Brenna from Suburban Snapshots, Nicole from Ninja Mom and virtually every other funny mom blogger in existence), you will notice that I am not amongst them.
Cue sad trombone.
I'd love to go on a rant about how I was not considered kickass enough to contribute, but the truth is, when they asked for submissions, it was right after Harlow was born and I just couldn't swing it. I was at a point where I was trying to exercise my right to say "no" for the greater good of my family (and sanity) and unfortunately, when I finally did say "no", I said "no" to the wrong thing.
Not that I actually said "no". I just kind of ignored the request and totally underestimated how bummed I would be when the book came out and I wasn't included.
Especially when the essays have hilariously kickass titles like:
I love Disney World. No Wait, That Whole Title is a Typo…..By Karen of Baby Sideburns
Eat Poop, Laugh. No, I Did Not Forget a Comma…..by Patti of Insane in the Mom Brain
In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Penis….by Bethany of Bad Parenting Moments
So She Thought She Could Cut Off My Stroller….by Keesha of New Mom's Stage
A Stranger in the Land of Twigs and Berries…..by Suzanne of Toulouse and Tonic
The Tale of Two Vaginas….by Susan of Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
and so on.
See? Aren't you sad that you weren't included too???
The only other bloggers missing that I can tell, are Jill from Scary Mommy, Nicole from Moms Who Drink and Swear, Amber from Parenting Illustrated with Crappy Pictures, and Leanne from Ironic Mom, but they all have a much better excuse than I do— they have THEIR OWN BOOKS coming out.
So, what's a blogger without an amazon author profile to do besides write a book of her own?
Let's start with a title, shall we?
Today, the awesome bloggers behind "I Just Want to Pee Alone" are letting me give away a copy of the book to one lucky reader. I just need you to answer one simple question in the comment section below.
What would you title your momoir?
Best answer wins. You must be a Mommy Shorts Facebook Fan to enter. Winner will be announced on Friday.
Good Luck!
These are all so funny! I wish your #9 was true. Ellen
They are all so funny! I want your #9 to be true.
Mine would be –
WebMD: Making Parents Panic Since 1912
Ellen
“And We’re Not Sure If She Ate It Or Not (But If She Gets Sick You’ll Know Why)”
If that’s the worst thing I do to you, you can always have therapy when you grow up!
Snit, Buck, and Other Things I’ll Pretend I Said
Mama’s Sippy Cup’s a Wine Glass
I would title mine…
“I would never do that to my kid” and all the other crap I said when I was stupid, self-ritious and sans-children
Duct tape and tequila……Mommy’s little helpers
Hey, I Didn’t GIVE Them The Box of Matches- I Just Used It as a Chance to Sneak a Glass of Wine With My Cold Chicken Nuggets. (Nuggets could be replaced with pb&j crusts or the crackers that no one eats in the Lunchables)
Parental Alopecia – Diary Excerpts of a “Sucky Mom”
“True Life, I’m a Uterus: A Surrogate Mother’s Reality”
“Don’t put your bare ass on your sister’s head: How to facepalm your way through motherhood.”
“Constantly wiping shit off of things: A mother’s story.”
“Caillou’s an asshole, stop fucking crying and other things that mommy says when she drinks.”
“Why can’t you be more like Caillou?, said no mom ever.”
“Three kids means more options when I need a kidney, and other musings on why I had kids.”
“I’ll pull out and other lies my husband told me.”
Counting the No’s: A study of a five-year age difference between kids, and how many times can a mom say NO before someone hears you?!?
Puke on me, not the carpet!!
Oooh there are some good ones up there! Here’s what I’ve got:
-How to teach a toddler not to throw up all over himself and other fun tales from mommy land.
-“Eat all your french fries or you can’t have dessert” and other phrases my mother would die if she heard.
No, we are not f*#@%ing there yet!
“Uh Oh” and “Oh No” Are Not Sufficient Answers to Every Question
“If You Touch Your Penis, You Wash Your Hands: 101 Rules I Never Knew I’d Be Enforcing”
Parenthood: I’m Probably Screwing It Up
Subtitle- Okay, I’m POSITIVE I’m Screwing It Up and I can prove it…
Oh #11, I know how that feels lol!
“No I don’t always look like I just got out of bed, only since I starting having these things called children”
“Being a Mom, it’s the best!
( and by ‘it’s the best’ I mean you’ll never sleep, or have a moment alone again!)
“The 2nd time Mom!
You learn things, like never introducing your child to Barney. Ever.”