Kourtney Kardashain may be able to shed her baby weight in three months, so she can appear in a bikini on the cover of US Weekly with no trace of a stretch mark, but most of us are not that lucky. Most of us have to make peace with our new friend in the mirror. A new friend who is planning to stay indefinitely and prefers a much higher-waisted pair of pants.
Today, I'm lucky to have a guest post from the fantastic Paige Kellerman, the blogger behind "There's More Where that Came From". Paige is going to talk about the pleasures of an after-baby body, claiming there is much to be loved about stretch marks, a gut and unwashed hair.
One thing she left out? Lopsided boobs. I'd love to know if there is an upside to having Pamela Anderson on the left and Helen Mirren on the right, because the ladies are not seeing eye to eye. Maybe, a high paying job at a circus freak show?
If anybody knows how to put a positive spin on a lopsided rack, it's Paige. She could convince me that muffin tops are great for protecting the top of your pants…
Everyone touts the joys of being young and being able to see your toes over your belly, but there’s a lot of neat stuff that comes with giving birth. Sure, I used to have abs that could crack a walnut, but now I'm blessed with thighs that clap out the Hallelujah Chorus as I march over to the fridge to get a snack. It’s the type of body where people stop me and say, “Oh, girl.You may wanna wrap that up before you put an eye out.” And all I have to say is— "THANKS!"
Oh to be twenty-one and have less jiggle than newly-dried asphalt. Those were the days. Or were they? There was a time when bras were optional and a breeze held the girls up. My street name used to be Chesty McFloats-on-air. But that was before my upper half looked like two melting tubs of Play-doh.
Not a bad thing. For instance, the stretch I’ve accumulated after just two pregnancies allows me to use one side as a paper weight, freeing me up to finish typing fan letters to various celebrities. And the bras I wear now? They double as shelter for the whole family during tornado season— there's even room for the dog!
Washboard abs? Only if I’m asking you to clean my girdle. Being able to wear a bikini and show off a tight middle is awesome. Even better is having a stomach that hangs so low, when people ask if I’m walking my pooch, I can look down at my belly button dragging on the sidewalk, and confidently answer, “Why, yes. Isn’t it cute? And she’s even had all her shots!” It's made walking by the dog park somewhat of a social affair, garnering five new friends, two blog followers, and a Doberman who looks like he is interested in something more than platonic.
The Stretch Marks
I’ll probably never get a tattoo. Don’t get me wrong, skulls and Chinese symbols that may or may not say “Caramel” instead of “Karma” are great. But, why would I get one of those, when I could have an entire map of the world running from just under my neck to right above my knees?
Some people say stretch marks are a curse. I usually lift up my shirt, point to my right hip and say, “If you look closely, this one looks remarkably like a sketch of Charlie Sheen. If you ask nicely, I’ll make it wink at you and demand more booze.”
As a college student, working on term papers and pretending to participate in group projects, it only took a swipe of mascara to be ready to shout, “To the bar! After we study responsibly, of course.” But there's more to life than evading speeding tickets and getting Gin and Tonics on the house.
Today, my face looks like a cracked baseball mitt, and twice as weathered. The circles under my eyes so morbid, Tim Burton need only meet me once to proclaim, “Johnny Depp, who? You shall be my new star!” But this is an advantage. Husband always said he’d love me no matter what. What a great way to test that theory. As a bonus, I can now scare stray dogs and brazen squirrels off my lawn, just by poking my head out the door.
Regular trims are great. Touched-up roots are even better. The day I graduated college, I spent an entire hour on my hair before I was ready to shake hands with the dean. My waves looked fab.
As I type this, my hair is, roughly, eight feet long with three foot roots, and my ends have bigger splits than a Kardashian. My secret? No time. And I wish I could say I like the state of my locks, but I'd be lying because I love it. So much body. So much frizz. Going au naural not only gives me enough hair to hide my face on makeup-less days, but also screams…
"I'm here. I'm now. I can use this mane as an overcoat if I have to."
Read more from Paige on "There's More Where that Came From" (literally) and show her some love on Facebook.
Walk my pooch?
Oh my gosh you are hilarious Paige.
And thanks for adding the boobs observatiob. You know you really have an issue when your kids argue over who gets to snuggle in on the “big side”. Seriously? When they did it to you in the first place?!?!
I am pretty new to your blog but it never fails to make me chuckle. Gladly adding to my laughter lines!
Hilarious! I’ve learned to love my belly stretch marks, since they are a great excuse to NEVER hat to try to get washboard abs again. I never have to try to get a bikini body, and that is totally freeing!
Yay, Paige. And how crazy because I just posted this about my post-babies body today! http://www.ilikebeerandbabies.com/2013/01/body-by-baby.html
So much excellence. Only I never had the stand up and shout boobs. They’ve always kinda hung low. Tmi? Ah well!
On the note of tattoos.. I actually got my first tattoo the day I turned 18. I got the word life on my lower hip (I actually thought ahead about having babies and got it as low as I could). But nevertheless, it’s stretched and sitting high on my hip now. But the way I look at it is, since I got the word life, a beautiful life stretched it out : )
Two of my faves in one place. Awesome.
I had a dream last night that I got a long (wide) tattoo on my lower back. Then I gained a lot of weight. So the tattoo ended up being the size of the equator.
I never would have had this dream pre-kids…
LOVE this. Cracking up. Chesty McFloats-on-air. Too funny.
I have lopsided boobs due to breast cancer. I was able to feed off my “good one”. I had a cantaloup on one side and a lemon on the other, and my back and shoulder took a beating from it. Now when I put a bra on, I have to manually shift things around so that the ‘headlights’ point in a somewhat similar direction. I was lucky though, and can sympathize with the lopsided for whatever reason.
I am such a huge fan of Mommy Shorts AND of Paige. It is such a pleasure and delight to read this while drinking (read: snorting) my coffee. Thanks for the bright start to my day Paige.
Gotta luv the muffin top.
I hear you. My hubby and I were looking at photos from when our first kid was 4 months, and we have aged more than the President. Great list – you need to send this to Tracy and Gwyneth STAT.
oh it’s all so funny, and all so true. especially the hair. mama’s haircare just never makes it to the top of the to do list.
Many of us prefer the natural look, even though stray dogs and brazen squirrels may not agree!!
I’m proud of the way I can slide my skin around like the skin on a raw chicken. That’s not something I could do before kids.
Too funny, Paige. Big grins.
I am going to walk a little taller today. That’s right. With my mom jeans hiding the roadmap on my belly!
Thanks for the laugh!
I LOL’d at the line about your face looking like a cracked baseball mitt. Although it’s not true! Great job. I feel better about myself already! Maybe a third pregnancy? HELL NO!
So great! Off to apologize to my stomach pooch for being so grouchy with it and failing to acknowledge its good qualities…and off to share post b/c it rocks 🙂
This is freakin’ awesome! Problem is I’m old enough to have worn those stupid looking jeans after my 4 kids were born…..
So totally funny.
I’ve often said I wanted to get my first tattoo to hide the stretch marks. I’m thinking flames leaping up from the C-section scar with the words Bad Mama over them would be bitchen’. What do you think? I could totally pull that off, right?
When I’m done laughing, I’m going to strip in front of the full length mirror and see which celebrity my stretch marks most resemble. Fingers crossed for an A-lister!
You bust out your Charlie Sheen, and he can have a chat with the withered face of Walter Matthau on my deflated stomach paunch!
That was frickin’ outrageous.
I’ve always wondered what would happen to Chinese characters on sagging skin. You’d probably end up offending someone or causing and international incident.
I thought I was the only one with hair 18 feet long. Love this!
I’d say that’s cool, but I’m gonna steal that idea first and hopefully beat you to it. These stretch marks are vicious!
I was really hoping for a Zac Efron, but no dice.
My stomach does look like a grumpy old man. They’d have lots to talk about.
After you’ve given birth, it’s safest not to flash people in public places if you have anything resembling a character you can’t read yourself.
Nay, you have a fellow sister whose hair is, without a doubt, out of control. I try to tell myself the split ends are cute. You know, just like my grown-out roots are considered “ombre”.
Gwyneth, if you can hear me, send some arugula. STAT.
OR, you could get a tattoo of the equator and pull the whole thing off as intentional. No?
Absolutely. It’s those beautiful new lives that help us not fixate when we accidentally slam our draggin’ booties in the car door by accident.
I’ll just have to pay a visit…:)
Genius? …or simply looking for a free haircut. Anyone? Anyone?
You heal me, Paigey-Poo. You heal me.
I can’t even pick which line (or body part) I most enjoyed in this post. All I can say is, I feel ya, Paige. My Girls resemble party balloons that floated behind the couch and deflated, only to be found months later. Sigh…
Oh, Paige. So true. So very, sadly, true. I think I’ll name my stomach pooch “Rex.”