Dear Kim and Kanye,

Congratulations on your impending bundle of joy! So weird that your unborn fetus is barely visible (even via ultrasound) and yet it already feels like old news. Which one of you is going to tell your child that he/she jumped the shark before even exiting the womb?


Popular opinion seems to be that there could not be two people less suited for parenting.

And although I don't know either of you personally, from what I've seen (on various reality shows, talk shows, awards shows, etc.), you do appear to be two of the most selfish, self-involved people ever to find yourselves "with child".

I mean, Kim— aren't you the same womanchild that recently gave up on her own cat? And don't cats basically take care of themselves? You must know you can't return the kid if you decide you don't like it, right? You understand the permanence of a child is the exact opposite of say… a marriage to Kris Humpries, yes? 

And Kanye, let's say your child isn't THE SMARTEST KID IN THE WORLD or THE MOST SUPER "SUPER SOCCER STAR" PLAYER or THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS CHRIST, you're still going to find it within your egomaniacal heart to love him/her, right?

I'm going to give you guys the benefit of the doubt and assume you are aware these qualities are not ideal for taking care of a helpless newborn. That taking pictures of your kid in cute outfits with matching hats and teeny tiny sneakers is only a small fraction of the job. And by "job", I mean your child's starring role in a series of reality TV shows. 

You are just making us believe you are unsuitable parents in order to ultimately throw us the biggest "Kourtney and Kim Take Miami" curveball ever— am I right? Surprise twist— We're totally capable!!!!

That Kris Jenner totally knows what she's doing.

I think while the rest of the world is criticizing you both for being too self-centered to procreate, you're silently plotting THE NEXT BIG PARENTING TREND. A revolutionary concept where putting yourself first is beneficial to the family as a whole.

Too much child-dedicated time is exactly what is wrong with youth today! Parents should be indulging themselves instead of over-indulging their children!

Kim and Kanye— you two are perfectly positioned to be the ANTI-HELICOPTERS. Letting your child fend for his/herself because what could be more important than a parent's beauty sleep? Or a freshly bedazzled manicure? Certainly not a full diaper. Somebody else is going to change that shit eventually, right?

From now on, whenever I am faced with a self vs. child dilemma— showering vs. nursing, cocktails vs. preschool conference, killer outfit vs. possible spit-up stain, compelling reality show plotline vs. baby's future mental health, I'm gonna ask myself— WHAT WOULD KIMYE DO?

'Cause there is nothing I like more than myself. 

Thank you for making me embrace a life of guilt-free me time, even though I am supposedly responsible for two little girls.

It's about time.

Mommy Shorts

PS: I look forward to your baby cover tabloid showdown with Will and Kate.