I have nothing planned to write about this week. I assumed I would either be in the hospital or announcing my daughter's birth by now, so I find myself in some sort of weird mommy blogging purgatory.

As I'm sure I've mentioned many times (you can read the full birth story here), Mazzy was two weeks early. It was my first day of official maternity leave and I was looking forward to a few weeks of pre-baby relaxation. I was not feeling "about to pop" in the slightest. In fact, that morning, I ran four miles at the gym, went to lunch with a friend and then went grocery shopping at Trader Joe's. Contractions started unexpectantly on my walk back home (four blocks, two avenues), while I was carrying five overflowing bags of groceries.

I never had the feeling I could blow any day now. I never had the crazy weight gain at the end when your baby gains three more pounds in less than two weeks. I never felt the lovely sensation of "baby dropping". And I never went through the mind-numbing, time-dragging, skin-stretching period of WAITING that I am currently going through today.

Turns out these last two weeks make for quite a different pregnancy experience.

For one, my stomach has practically doubled in size in the last week. If you don't believe me, ask my husband. I told him as much and he agreed— doesn't he know he's not supposed to do that??? And if you don't believe him, ask Mazzy. She is getting increasingly perturbed at the lack of space on my lap.

It is now incredibly uncomfortable for me to sit, stand and lie down. Getting up is near impossible. Rolling from one side to the other feels like someone is sticking a knife in my back. And earlier I sneezed and somehow it translated into a toe cramp.

Running four miles? YEAH. Let's just say, my life/diet/work-out routine was a lot different three years ago. Now, my biggest workout is putting on my shoes. Which is harder than I ever remember lunges or bicep curls being.

Also, I know "fashion" says "leggings aren't pants", but at this moment my house attire, sleepwear and going-out-in-public clothes are one and the same. Just be happy I'm not walking around in my bath robe, is all I am saying.

BUT, on the plus side, there also are many wonderful things about being two seconds away from giving birth.

1) Everybody takes my calls. Although I have to quickly caveat each conversation with— "I haven't had the baby yet." And then half of them say "Oh. Can I call you back?"

2) I've switched my focus from eating healthy to sweets. And, I'm still eating like I'm on death row and each meal is my last. I had chcoclate chip pancakes for breakfast this morning, took Mazzy for red velvet cupcakes this afternoon and ended the evening with a bowl of coffee ice cream. 

3) I feel absolutely no guilt putting my relaxation ahead of my ability to be a quality parent. "You want to watch another five hours of television? SURE!!!"

4) I feel absolutely no guilt asking Mike to do everything. "Can you please give Mazzy a bath? When I crouch down on the floor, I feel like a bowling bowl is resting on my pelvic bone. Thanks." 

5) I'm happy I'm not working. Since I work freelance, I normally spend my days either working or hustling for new jobs. I have never once enjoyed my time off napping and catching up on the last season of Dexter. (Guess what I am planning on doing tomorrow?)

6) I am impeccably groomed. My toes are done, my eyebrows tweezed and I'm shaving every day like I have a brand new boyfriend and I'm not sure when I will wind up back at his place.

7) I actually got to do a lot of the things I thought I would have no time to do on my LAST MINUTE PRE-BABY TO-DO LIST that I posted last week.

For instance, my mom volunteered to watch Mazzy last Thursday night so Mike and I could go see ARGO.

(REVIEW: Ben Affleck is a great director but he would be a much better director if he stopped casting himself in his own movies. Regardless, see it— it's very good.)

On Friday, I got these crazy lower back pains and was certain that I would not make it though the day before going into labor, so I actually got off my ass and PACKED A HOSPITAL BAG.

And, (and this is the big one)— WE DECIDED ON A NAME! 

Well, we had the first name but now we have the middle name too and I am quite thrilled about how it all came together.

So…now we just need the FREAKIN' BABY to be born.

You know, before I run out of blog fodder.