We have a problem around these parts. It's called the iPad. Mazzy's love of the iPad has reached unacceptably large proportions. It's the first thing she asks for when she wakes up and once she's got it in her hands, you can't take it away without her throwing a fit.
This weekend I finally decided enough was enough. When Mazzy woke up from her afternoon nap, I wasn't going to give it to her. We could do anything else she wanted— go to the playground, have a snack, dance to her favorite music, etc. But she was not getting the iPad.
MIKE: Good luck with that!
Mazzy woke up and did her usual groggy "iPad, iPad…"
ME: No sweetie, we're not playing with the iPad now. How 'bout I read you a book?
MAZZY: iPad, iPad…
ME: Sorry, sweet pea. We're not playing with the iPad right now. Let's have a snack and then go to the park.
MAZZY: IPAD!!!! IPAD!!!!! IPAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!
If you could hear that last IPAAAAAAAAD through your computer, it would sound like a truck of caged chickens crashing into a chalkboard factory. And yes, it escalated that quickly.
But I held my guns.
Mazzy went absolutely beserk.
Mike gave me an "I told you so" smirk which is always super helpful.
The screaming was relentless. I tried desperately to soothe her by holding her, stroking her hair, wrapping my arms around her as tightly as possible. If I attempted to put her down, the tantrum got ten times worse. After what seemed like an hour of furious cries that only got louder with each passing second, I couldn't take it anymore.
ME: Mazzy. If you don't stop screaming, I am going to put you in your crib until you calm down.
MAZZY: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mike gave a "she called your bluff" eyebrow raise which made me want to throw a shoe at him.
ME: Alright babe. We're going to the crib.
There is nothing more heartwrenching than leaving your daughter screaming "MOMMMMEEEEEEEE!!!!!" while standing helplessly in her crib.
But I did it.
And I shut the door.
MIKE: How long do you plan to leave her there?
ME: I have no idea. I'm calling Dr. B.
Dr. B (aka my sister) said now that I had started it, I had to keep her there until she stopped crying.
ME: But what if she never stops crying?
DR. B: She'll stop.
I asked Dr. B if I did the wrong thing. She said no, its important to follow through on what you say but now that you know how attached she is to the iPad, you can come up with a better strategy for next time.
1) Since the iPad seems to be an important part of her after-naptime routine, I'd focus on limiting usage instead of taking it away completely.
2) If she has a tantrum when you try to limit usage, try putting her down and ignoring her before jumping straight to crib banishment. You don't want Mazzy to associate her bed with something bad.
3) After you put her on the floor, I'd start playing with one of Mazzy's favorite toys yourself and wait for her to join you.
ME: But having Mazzy cry on the floor staring at me while I ignored her would be heartbreaking!!!
Dr. B (in summary): Parenting is hard.
ME: Should I take her out now?
(audible sounds of Mazzy screaming through the walls in the background)
DR. B: Nope. You have to follow through. You can't take her out until she stops crying.
ME: Okay. Am I horrible parent?
DR. B: No. I'm proud of you for taking control of the situation.
About an hour later, Mazzy finally quieted down. I went in. Her face was streaked with tears, her hair matted with snot, her body slumped in the corner of the crib closest to the door, pressed against the slats.
She looked at me with complete defeat.
MAZZY: I— I— I can't go— ANYTHING.
I had to laugh. She was exactly right. At 23 months, Mazzy figured out her predicament and put it into words. She is one impressive kid.
ME: Do you want to come out?
MAZZY: Yes.
I lifted her out of the crib and gave her a big hug. Mazzy pulled back to look me straight in the eye.
MAZZY: I LOVE YOU!!!
Seriously?
ME: I love you too babe. Can I wipe your face with a wet washcloth?
MAZZY: YES!
ME: And then we can go to the playground?
MAZZY: YES! Go the the playground!
I brought Mazzy into the living room.
ME: Look— it's Daddy.
MAZZY: Hi Daddy. I LOVE YOU!
MIKE: I think you broke her.
———————————
When was the first time you punished your kid? What action do you take in the face of a tantrum?
Good job!! I’m proud of you. 🙂
Oh, my heart broke for you. I know that must’ve been hard. Thanks for Dr. B’s suggestions, too. My EB is hitting a lot right now and I’m about to go to a parenting seminar to learn how to deal with it. We’ll be snuggling and playing and she’ll up and smack me in the face. Or anyone, for that matter. So, you know, I’d take suggestions on that, too.
Yep. Parenting is hard. You did well, and someone will tell you that you didn’t. Ignore them. I’m sure glad I’m all finished with that!
Hi there. You don’t say how old EB is, but I’m assuming toddler age. If it were my child, I’d break up the play/cuddle session every time it happened. Just say, “You can’t play/snuggle with mommy if you’re going to hit.” Give the child something else to play with, and do something else.
We ALL need a Dr. B to call and assure us that we’re doing the right thing.
Good on you, Ilana!
She’s 19 mo, so you are right on. So far your suggestion has been in line with what we’ve been doing. But she hits at day care and seems unfazed by me asking her to be sweet/soft touch/not hit because it hurts me, her dad, or her friends. Thanks a bunch for the feedback! I’ll try it.
Hmmm 1 hr of crying? I’ll take that over leaving the iPad uncharged for a week until she stopped trying to make it work =D But my method worked too hehehe.
Oh yeah. Daily. Welcome to the Terrible Twos! The Terrible Threes are even worse. Get used to it. If you have another kid, by the time they are through their 2’s and 3’s you’ll be able to bounce a rioting mob off your back without missing a beat. Dr. B is spot on – parenting is hard! And parenting a smart, strong girl is even harder. You should check these out:
http://amzn.to/sgJARy
http://amzn.to/vDLzVR
The style is a bit dated (early 80’s) but very accurate description of what the next 2 years of your life will look like. 🙂
It’s so hard. Thank goodness for the heart-melting rewards.
Parenting is so hard. Setting limits is so important. Also, I think I’m returning the iPad we got the kids as their Holiday gift…
Good job on following through!! That is always my hardest part. I feel guilty and tend to give in about 70% of the time 😛
Here is a post Dr. B wrote last year about hitting. It might be a little young for EB but I’m sure the same rules apply.
https://www.mommyshorts.com/2011/02/dr-b-tames-your-bruiser.html
Just so you know, Mazzy has been known to hit me too. It’s rarely out of anger. She just gets excited and before you know it, I’m checking my nose to see if it’s bleeding.
Good for you. I remember the first time that I had to punish my oldest son. I have no idea what it was over but I remember the screaming and feeling like I failed. Good for you for straying strong. That is the hard part when what you really want to do is cuddle that sobbing mess of a kid but you can’t. They need to learn that you mean what you say and you will follow through. It will get easier. I promise.
Argh!! Heartbreak!! But you rocked it. Brava!
We started with timeouts on Bee at around 2. I’d read that I should stand behind her, silently, and firmly but gently force her to sit in her timeout (blessed brief though it was). Not fun. And probably I had gotten bad advice from some Cold War Era parenting book. Meh. Better than Gitmo, right?
OMG the I love You’s at the end kill me!!
My little guy has gotten quite a few timeouts lately. He’s recently turned two and is definitely testing our limits. Our timeout consists of just putting him in his room and closing the door. (I didn’t want to put him in his crib, because we have bedtime issues and I don’t want him to associate the crib with punishment.) Surprisingly, he doesn’t try to open the door (yet). He’ll stand in there and cry and scream for a few minutes and then will calm down and start reading or playing until we come let him out. The worst part for me is listening to him scream “MAAAAMMMAAAAA! DAAADDDEEEE!” and not doing anything. It makes my skin crawl.
I have been an early childhood educator for years so when my own child came along I did not find it hard to put into practice all the things that I had been using. It is so much harder, however, to hear your own child’s cries. I think the first real punishment occured not too long ago, a few weeks after turning 3. She wanted to walk instead of riding the shopping cart. I allowed it, only she wasnt following directions so back in the cart she went. Then the tantrum started. Who was this child?? certainly NOT mine she NEVER behaves this way. In the cart was a pair of boots she so badly wanted (tiny Imelda Marcos I have) and a purple shirt (her fav color). I warned her to stop the screaming or we were leaving. The screaming didnt stop so we left. WITHOUT the boots! That should have been punishment enough, but with her arms and legs spread wide she fought every step of the way trying to get her in the car!! “Ok NOW not only have you lost the right to walk beside the cart AND the boots, but you are now are going to your room to sit and think. No toys and No TV. And that is what happened.” She had to stay in her room until the tantrum stopped and until she could explain to me why she was there, AND appologize. It took about an hour or so. She explained to me why we had to leave, why she had to ride in the cart, and told me she was sorry and she loved me. One thing though, she said “i was bad, mommy” To this I replied “no, baby you are NOT bad, but the things you were doing were” NEVER tell your children they are bad!! EVER!!!
How about the new “leap pad” thing for kids? Maybe off topic but I’m not a very good punisher. lol
So hard, but it’s reassuring to know they still love you after it is over.
Check this out- http://www.etsy.com/listing/71071815/anapad-childrens-wooden-creative-tablet
Maybe it can be her iPad 🙂
Thanks for that link, Ilana. I do try to redirect, move her hands, and use clear/not-angry words. And I don’t think her hitting is out of anger, either. We’ll be having fun and she’ll just up and bop me. And once that starts, the game we were playing is over. So maybe that’s what she was trying to tell me, after all? It’s sometimes hard to guess what a toddler is thinking to avoid the bops in the first place, you know?
Ummm….Mazzy went 23 months without being punished?
Yeah.
My kids did, too.
(Probably.)
I have so much respect for you for following through even when it can be so heartbreaking and so comforting to know that they still love you at the end.
Good tip on the not using the bed as punishment.
I haven’t “punished” my little guy but I have given him choices – “If you keep throwing that toy, Mama will have to take it away” or b/c he’s not yet stable on his feet, “If you stand up one more time in the tub, you will have to come out of bath – no more bathtime.” I get a bit of protest but he calms down fairly easily with a bit of distraction.
Good job sticking to your punishment….so, so hard to do! My son (who is just a couple weeks younger than M) also loves the iPad. We started using a timer with it. There are all sorts of cool timers for toddlers/kids out there. We have this one: http://www.amazon.com/Learning-Resources-LER6900-Programmable-Electronic/dp/B0007DHU0S/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1322670683&sr=8-1
Good job mommy! Being a parent sucks alot, but hey, we all turned out fine in spite of our parents, so we can’t screw them up too badly. Especially when you worry so much about how being punished affects Mazzy. But just wait – next time will be 10 bajillion times worse, because now she knows what she’s up against. Mark my words.
Damn iPad. Same thing happens here, only I have 3 fighting over it! I needed to read this post today and now I know what I need to do. Thank you 🙂
I blame the iPad. You just know Ma Ingalls never had to deal with this kind of crap.
my 17 month old started getting timeouts a couple of months ago. it’s started at daycare after he bit a 3m-old’s toe. oops, and left quite the mark. he’s very aggresive and likes to bite, push and hit. have my work cut out for me. i usually do the “no hit, Jakey” thing and if he continues to do it, then i sit him on the couch and say “time-out” in a stern manner and waving the finger, so he gets it that he’s in trouble. of course, he’ll only sit for like 30 seconds, but for now i think it’s enough to get the message across. after he gets up, i distract him with something or else he will go back and hit. very important to follow thru no matter what, but it hurts like hell. at least until they wrap their arms around you and melt you with an i love you. Good job, mama. (btw, he’s my 2nd, so i feel more confident about ignoring the crying and the tantrums, not as easy the 1st time around)
I am so impressed. Your sister (aka Dr. B) is so right that you have to have follow through, and you did it. Kids as smart as Mazzy are challenging but so great! I know how hard it must have been to let her cry and as smug as Mike might have been, kuddos to him too for not undermining you.
Sounds very effective. Mazzy would probably adjust to life without the iPad but I’m afraid my husband would lose his mind.
Uh-oh. I’m terrified. So I’ve got two years of tantrums and then maybe 5 good years before I start embarrassing her in front of her friends and then another two years before she hates me altogether, right?
I couldn’t believe her reaction in the end. I don’t know if the “I love you” was honest or she was just saying what she knew I wanted to hear!
You really have to be prepared. It’s great that they love it and it’s an easy distraction but it will takeover completely. It’s like crack. Also, Mazzy is way more satisfied with the iPad then she is with television. With the iPad, she can see whatever she wants at will. She is constantly turning off Elmo segments in the middle and moving on to the next video. So I’m not sure what that does for someone’s attention span.
Stay strong. When you want to give in, just think of Dr. B!
I tried so hard to calm her down by holding her but it just wasn’t working. And she was getting heavy and wouldn’t let me put her down. I really felt like I had no choice.
I actually watched a video of the Duggar mom talking about practicing sitting still with the kids starting at 18mo or something. She has them practice sitting still for 5 minutes three times a day. I don’t know if she’s a nazi or I’m a serious slacker.
I don’t think there is a chance in hell that I could get Mazzy to sit still on her own.
They killed me too.
She meant “I love you” with all her heart. She loves boundaries. All kids do, whether they know it or not. 🙂 You did good.
Well done! Just like many adults feel jittery if they are away from their electronics, kids feel it too. But it’s breakable (going on vacation in a wire-free place will teach you that), and it’s better.
Congrats on it only taking an hour. I’ve had many television free days when my kids threw fits about turning it off after one show. It breaks the cycle and they end up happier (and less glazed).
My first child, when she was 18 months old, got put on a “time out” on the stairs. I fully expected her to just get up and wander away (as was more for redirection than anything) and ummmm … she sat there until I said “Uh – you can get up now?”. And to this day is a dream-child re: listening. My second child I put for a time out on the stairs when she was close to two – she proceeded to throw herself off the stair and then grab whatever was within reach and hurl it across the room. Which is why there is no parenting book that works for all 🙂 So my second – ahem – spirited child shall we say – went through the EXACT same scenario as Mazzy. Twice so far. If you felt stress dealing with it with your first, imagine how I felt having already gone through the “terrible twos” unscathed with my eldest, feeling like “the Bomb” of a mom, until my second one openned my eyes as to how it was actually a balance of nature vs. nuture and not soley my mad skillz?? Anyway – in my now toddlers case – both times her timeouts in her room were for physical contact (i.e. hitting and kicking – never acceptable). She may have been overtired or hungry or getting sick or blah blah blah. I don’t care – that is my line – you don’t hit or kick. And yes, she did receive one warning each time. As I mentioned above – stair does not work. So to her room and bed (which she doesn’t get out of as is high and has a rail) she went. She had to say “sorry” to get down. She refused. She knows what sorry is, and how to say it, and yes I know may not have been “meant” but to me it was the follow-through and the fact that she may not mean it but would sure as heck remember it that mattered. Both times she would scream/cry until I came in the room, would stop as soon as I arrived, would refuse to say sorry, but would try to sneak out of bed by hugging me, snuggling up etc. Both times I would hug her but then place her gently but firmly back and insist she say sorry. And yes again, I know that her hugging was a way of saying sorry – but again, I needed the lesson to really sink in, and for her to go to the extra effort of saying the words so would remember the situation. Both times she lasted until she fell asleep – first time was about an hour then had a 1.5 hour nap, second time was about 2 hours then proceeded to sleep through the night. Both times woke up happy, full of smiles, and in a great mood. Both tiems maybe she was overtired (hence the physical contact) or maybe the tantruming wore her out. All I know is – if I make a decision I don’t reverse it (unless has seemed excessive upon hindsight which I think maybe happened maybe once with my eldest), and I know in my heart of hearts that if I had caved with my little firecracker of a child, I would end up very quickly with a child who would know in HER heart of hearts that if she ever hits or kicks, it takes Mommy only 1 hour to reverse her discipline. I don’t say punishment as I was teaching her how to behave. On the other hand at least she would learn to tell time precociously! 😉 And I set the ground now for what she can expect when she is a teen. I say something – I mean it. Don’t press your luck. Or as I said when relaying the story to family/friends – she thinks she can outstubborn ME? Where the heck does she think the gene comes from to begin with?? 🙂
Ilana, you have to do one on stubborness, unless you already have. i bet you’d get all kinds of stories. i have a great one, kid stayed in time out for like 3 hours….
THere is nothing harder than following through… seriously this parenting thing is Tough with a capital “T”… Kudos my friend, kudos. Now you have to remember to follow through EVERY friggin’ time – seriously… trust me.
Oh I needed a Dr. B circa 2007. Now I think my sister will assume I am one! I’m big on the ignoring… no eye contact, no sense of urgency, calm, calm, calm – even though inside is whatever the polar opposite of calm is. Kids are beautiful creatures that just want to make us happy most of the time. It actually makes it even more heartbreaking, yeah?
I’m having a similar problem with my iPhone. I let my toddler play with it and then when a phone call actually comes all hell breaks loose. I think it’s great that you held your ground with Mazzie. It must’ve been so hard. Isn’t it amazing how quickly they bounce back after a tantrum? Thank goodness.
p.s. I’m very impressed that you have a cream colored couch that looks unscathed by little toddler hands! well done!
That is bizzare Duggar behavior and, I believe, impossible unless you give your kid a dose of Benadryl before each 5 minute session.
mine is 3.5 and tempers like clock work. both her sitter and i have devised the time out spot in the house, the ignoring of the behaviour until prompted correctly (she’s notorious for interrupting when people are talking – yes she’s a Diva and must always be the centre of attention). there have been so many tmepers that I couldn’t even tell you the first one!! I do what you did tho. consistently follow through. I still have a bag of toys inthe closet from when she didn’t pick them up when asked. When she refuses now I remind her that if I pick them up they go in the blue bag. works everytime!
I feel your pain!!
I have a biter…and I’ve tried EVERYTHING to break him of it. He’s been in time out, etc. and nothing seems to work. We’ve taken to bribing him as of late. He gets chocolate if he goes a whole day at school without incident, but I feel like a terrible mother for bribing him! Is it sad that I look forward to “breaking” him? LOL
You are sooooo strong! We do time outs for my two year old. He’s not allowed to come out until he calms down and the first few times we had to endure the hour of crying before he finally relaxed. Now he stops after about a minute. And his tantrums are less frequent. Dr. B is definitely on to something!
No offense or anything but what’s so bad about her wanting the IPAD