As most seasoned parents will tell you, having a newborn is actually the easiest part of parenthood. Once you get past "the total and complete destruction of your wonderfully care-free childless lifestyle", of course.
It was hard to believe at the time, but now that I am the mother to a squealing, whining, stubborn, unbelieveabley fast/strong little terror, I know this to be the truth.
I know what all you parents of teenagers are thinking. "Just you wait! You have no idea!"
To you, I say, "LALALALALALALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!"
Two weekends ago, at Grammy and Sammy's sedar (that's what Mazzy calls my Mom and my Stepdad), I succeeded in scaring the crap out of a very nice married couple with a four-month-old baby girl.
The crazy thing is, I didn't even have to say a word. Merely being in the presence of my (relatively tantrum-free!) two-year-old was enough to bring these poor people to the brink.
The parents in question are college friends of my sister. The mother reads Mommy Shorts regularly so she has been more than briefed on my wildly precocious little girl. Unfortunately, I don't think my blog properly prepared her for what she was about to see.
Put simply— Mazzy does not possess the ability to sit still.
In fact, the girl cannot sit AT ALL.
Food is of no interest to her, so sitting Mazzy at a table with turkey and potato kugel is like sitting her in front of the television and putting on Bill Maher.
In order to keep Mazzy at a table, one must supply endless amounts of toys and activities. Animal figurines get bathed in water glasses, linen napkins get covered in crayon, and various dime-store toys get thrown under the table for sport because there is nothing more fun than watching Mommy bust her ass to locate a magnetic letter "N" that somehow ended up halfway across the room.
Judging by the action-packed nature of the events described above, you may think the "table activity" portion of the evening lasts a good 35-40 minutes. You would be INCORRECT.
After 3-5 minutes of tableside shenanigans, Mazzy usually screams "UP! UP! UP!" while simultaneously trying to fling herself from whatever apparatus that is holding her captive.
Once down, she runs wildly about the house, tortures whoever's pet is present (in this case my sister's dog, Roxy) and begs random relatives to relinquish their smart devices.
While she is running around, she is talking a mile a minute in this loud animated fasion, like she's Robin Williams on speed. Except instead of a comedy act, she's making various demands on everyone around her including the dog. "Mommy! Where's my milk?" "Grammy, let's play!" "Roxy, COME HERE!"
Watching this all go down can be TRAUMATIZING for parents of an infant who are still in the "baby as accessory" phase of existence.
As Miss New Mom sat stroking the back of her angelic baby's head, I saw SHEER TERROR on this poor woman's face.
"Wow. Mazzy is really scaring you, isn't she?"
"YEAH……." There might have been an audible gulp.
"Well, get ready because in a few short years—"
Then something unexpected happened. I was abruptly cut-off by my sister (a person who actually knows what she's talking about) who said, "Don't worry. Mazzy is way more active than your average child."
She is? I thought all toddlers acted like uncaged animals. Like Curious George in a chocolate factory. Like Rachel Zoe in a room full of vintage Chanel. Like a coked up Charlie Sheen in a whorehouse…
RIGHT???!!!
Nope, Dr. B officially diagnosed Mazzy with an extreme case of "ANTS IN THE PANTS". A common, though not universal, toddler affliction.
For the next forty minutes, I listened to my sister and Miss New Mom compare notes on the many children they know that are actually relatively docile and more than happy to sit quietly at a table.
Awesome.
Now I'M scared.
———————————
Does your kid suffer from ANTS IN THE PANTS? Do you have any words of advice on how to get them to sit still?
Monkey is the male version of Mazzy. I was led to believe that the ants in the pants version of toddlers was NORMAL. Tell me it is so.
I’m not scared of teenagers. I’m getting good practiced because I say it all that time that I think toddlers are just like teenagers except they have less words and you can’t put them on timeout.
Embrace the chaos and learn how to wear her out. Our almost 4 year old typically only stops when she’s sleeping. It was a sad sad day when she stopped taking naps. I’ve been told she’ll make a wonderful adult, if we can put up with her until then. 🙂
thx
this post could not have come on a better day. getting ready for work this morning, i heard my husband in the kitchen with my 18 mo. old saying the same things over and over again….sit on your bum, we can’t go outside yet, sit on your bum, you can’t climb on the chair, you can’t climb on the dog, sit on your bum… you get the point. Then I heard him say, do you have ants in your pants? Followed by, I can’t imagine have another child right now, this is too much. All I could think was we are just in the beginning stages of 4-6 years of constant motion. Friends of ours have a child two days older than our little guy, it is like night and day. We have a “busy” child on our hands. The only thing that keeps me from going insane is to know there are other parents out there going through the same thing. Makes me feel a little less alone but not anyless exhausted!
don’t worry, as the posts above, and my friends can attest to with my son, you are NOT alone. we just need to get used to the fact that are children are not “average” as your sister said. the only time i can get parker to sit for a meal is when i make chocolate chip pancakes, then he shoves them all in his mouth in 2 minutes flat and declares “i’m done” and is off. my friends (who have toddlers the same age) always have that look of horror on their faces when we try to eat a meal with them and their kid. their kid is sitting there staring at mine like “what the fuck is wrong with parker?!”
You are not alone. We have a 13 month old who hasn’t sat still since he learned to crawl. He also doesn’t stop talking so it is constant motion and noise at our house. Learn to take it as a quasi compliment when strangers comment on how “active” or “talkative” your child is. We have. I just tell myself he’s “advanced” for this age and the other parents are just jealous (right???).
My bug has ants in his pants and he is only 8 months old. He hasn’t stopped moving since the beginning of the year, is already climbing, on the brink of walking (which I am convinced will last about 2 weeks then turn into running) The child has climbed out of every child restricting item in our house and daycare (bouncy seats, swings, almost a pack and play with the changing table attached and even those tables they put 6 or 8 kids in with the little seats). And I can honestly say I am scared. Any tips for the future would be appreciated.
From what I’ve read she sounds like your average 2 year old. My 23 month old is the exact.same.way! I have to admit, it makes me giggle when my friends with infants sit back and watch Peyton run and scream like a crazy person. It’s just a day in the life to me 🙂
My SIL has a child like Mazzy. And yes, not every toddler is like them. And yes, even though I do not plan on ever having any more children, if I had been thinking about it my niece would have cured me of that line of thought quite quickly!
I think ants in the pants is the norm. I think all these ‘docile’ children are an anomoly. I don’t care what your Ph.D sister says! And seriously, the only thing that gets my kid to sit still is putting the TV on which really makes me feel like mother of the year.
I felt enormous relief when I read this, because my son (20 months) is exactly like this! Can’t sit still to save his life. Meal time is a huge battle right now because he just wants no part of sitting for it. We suspected for a while now that we were outside the norm…nice to hear we aren’t alone!!!
As the mother of my own “wildly precocious little girl”, I often wonder about parents with kids who sit quietly through meals and family events. I find myself thinking about how boring their lives must be.
I just read yesterday that the average toddler can’t reasonably be expected to sit still and provide quality, focused attention for more than their age. For example, my oldes is 4 so I should not expect him to sit still (actually still and on his butt) for more than 4 minutes max. The article also said that your kid is normal (and not on the fast-track to Ritalin) as long as they can sit still somewhere, anywhere (if the child will sit for Elmo, they are normal, even if they don’t sit for you, etc.). I feel your pain. My children are fairly well-behaved (4 and 1) but are aptly described as perpetual motion machines unless so ill they pass out.
My 2 year old son is the exact same way. Don’t worry. 🙂
My 3 year old is the same…wild crazy and active! I just let him be, he will come snuggle when hes tired. As long as hes not doing anything dangerous or seriously destructive ive learned to kind of ignore the chaos and pick up the mess when he falls asleep. (Roughly ten minutes before I pass out on the couch!)
This is AWESOME!!! My 2 1/2 year old has what Dr B would call a case of being a “bad friend” … he does not tolerate kids he deems unworthy (tantrum style with pushing of that kid) There are very few kids who do not fall into this category…and has very little desire to “make friends” by saying hello, bye bye, or waving at others even though he knows all of these things- he just chooses to be rude to them instead.
My Roo, he turns 3 this weekend, is ridiculous. I am certain that as a team he and Mazzy could out disaster Curious George. This is the boy who broke our flatscreen TV one year ago. He has killed two cameras. He needs 4 clothing changes a day to pass as relatively clean. He eats applesauce with his hands. He stands on furniture. He runs with scissors (okay, no, but he would if he could). You’re not alone, friend.
Good thing our kids are hella charming, eh?
I babysit a little girl (turned 3 this week!) who has ants in the pants. Meals were a HUGE ISSUE for a solid year. We learned to turn her seat sideways, as being the oddball out helped her focus a bit on spending time WITH us at meals.
You did not just compare your 2 year old to a coked up Charlie Sheen in a whorehouse!! I love you!
Oh, I am so with you on this one! Natalie has to be moving constantly. And it’s not a walk…it’s a full-on run. The child is just one big moving bruise/scrap. I was not prepared for it since my older daughter is the “sit quietly and behave” type child. I can honestly say that, for the first 8 years of being a mom, I thought it was all due to my parenting skills.
Yeah, see those crumbs all over the screen? That’s the humble pie I had to eat when Natalie became a toddler.
Oh yes, my son most definitely is more difficult than most. I study other families, at restaurants, airports, parks, whatever. And I know from playdates and close friends that Sebastian is special. But I decided long ago that the kid that knows what he wants and demands attention is better off (in this society at least) than the wall flower.
Don’t worry, Mazzy is NORMAL!! Maybe your sister was just throwing the 2 of you under the bus so as to not scare the other mom into tying her tubes permanently? lol
Yep, I see parents all the time in the store with calm toddlers, happy to ride in the cart without grabbing, flailing wildly, screaming, or demanding to run wild. My two year old never sits still EVER – except when asleep. I often ask people who know about kids why I didn’t get one of those calm children. They tell me to be thankful that my daughter is smart and assertive. They probably don’t know anything either, they’re just mocking me.
So super glue didn’t work? Kidding. This too shall pass. Don’t you hate those words.
I have weird kids. They never move. Weird. Very weird.
I have 3 of my 4 children who have ‘ants in their pants’ the only advice is that is gets a little bit better with age… a little bit better.
Not gonna lie…I bet your sis was just trying to be reassuring to her friend.
Because honestly? ALL toddlers have a severe case of “Ants in the Pants.”
And if they don’t? Holy shiz, am I screwed.
Can Dr. B pls share some of these docile toddlers with us b/c I certainly do not know a single one. I love that you scared a parent with an infant. Don’t worry because she’ll be scary someone 12 months from now. It’s the circle of life.
Sadly your sister was telling the truth. Most of the toddlers I know are able to sit still for periods of time and do not behave like a hurricane. Fortunately mine isn’t one of them.
Mine is like yours, full of life, and while it might be a bit tiring (exhausting) at times, just imagine how boring it would be to have a child who just sits there. One who wasn’t constantly investigating and questioning her surroundings.
Ours are the ones who will move the world, if we can survive their childhoods in order to raise them to do so.
Next time someone implies that your child is anything less than wonderful, just take a peek into the future where that poor person’s dull child is working in a cubicle while yours is out writing the future. That’s what I do.
Yes, I am there as well with an almost-three-year-old extremely “active” child. But, what did MY dumbass do? Get a puppy. A hyper puppy of a giant variety. Yeah. Yay me.
BTW, your post on getting slapped in the face by said “extremely ‘hyper’ child” really hit home as well. I’m thinking that I, too, have a male version of Mazzy. Complete with total lack of interest in chocolateless food. Plus a crazy dog now too. FML.
My TWO children (3.5 years and 1.5 years) both suffer from extreme Ants In The Pants syndrome. I’m pretty sure that this baby in my belly that will join us in 7 weeks is going to be the EXACT SAME WAY.
It is so embarrassing sometimes because I actually do set limits for these children but they are crazy…. and we will be somewhere with my SIL or something with her two kids who actually sit still, and I look like an ass all of the time.
I have good kids though. They listen (and respond) often, but they just need to be on the move. Hopefully that settles down a bit after a while.
I hear ya sister. My kid won’t ever sit still..but if the TV is on, he will sit there for 8 hours straight without blinking. I swear it’s true.
I always worry that our families think my kids are CRAZY because of my lack of parenting skills. I really do try though- they are just the move it type. I guess a good thing for me is both my children are wild so at least they have each other to keep themselves busy!
If it makes you feel better about the future, my kids are almost 13 and almost 15 and they are way easier now.
Not gonna lie.
So there’s hope. I promise.
Even without the LA LA LA LA LA.
(Then again, Murphy is probably laughing at me and sending Charlie-Sheen-on-Coke laws my way right now for typing this out loud. Crap.)
I really didn’t mind my crazy toddler being a crazy toddler. Like someone else said, a quiet child would have bored me. What did drive me insane was friends of ours who had an extremely dosile child, he just plain didn’t get it.
He would constantly make suggestions like “if you need to get him out, you should just take him to the book store. That’s what we do when she wants to go somewhere.”
I am sure my fellow parents of APTs (Ants in Pants Toddlers) know exactly what my reaction to that little suggestion was.
Just to mention it, my 1 yr old daughter is turning out to be an APT to rival my 3 yr old son. It took like 15 minutes to write this as they were taking turns jumping on me and smacking the keyboard. My constant attempts to deflect my son resulted in him running to my wife telling her “daddy made me cry.” They really do crack me up!
My daughter was much more still… My son… Not so much. At 20 months, i now have THE trick for eating in peace (not in piece as autocorrect wants to make it). 1- only eat at home. Our home. 2-after he is done (about 3-5minutes) take him down and PUT him in his room with a few toys and close the door … Eat…
(note – we have removed ALL of the furniture from his room. Short of a mattress on the floor and a carpet. Yes, it is a cute jail cell. But safe!)
Dr. B would like to clarify and say that she did not mean that Mazzy’s behavior wasn’t NORMAL. Merely that it wasn’t TYPICAL. I guess that’s a doctor lingo thing.
Thankfully, Mazzy still takes one solid nap a day. I don’t know how we would survive otherwise. But it is 100% parent imposed. Mazzy would never sleep if we let her.
Mazzy has been busy since the beginning. It is definitely entertaining but like you said, totally exhausting.
My friend has an otherwise equally active child but her daughter likes to eat. So getting her to sit still at dinner is no big deal.
I should try the chocolate pancakes thing- just to see if it would make a difference. The girl has definitely got a sweet tooth.
I’m not sure the parents are jealous but I like the idea of assuming Mazzy is advanced:) Although, one of my friends’ kids (same age as Mazzy) can sit forever coloring. And he really is very good at it. He’s probably advanced too. But in a much less exhausting way!
Fasten your furniture to the wall. Seriously. It won’t stop him from trying to climb it but it will stop it from falling on top of him.
My sister actually told me today that part of the reason she said that Mazzy’s behavior wasn’t typical was so that I wouldn’t be afraid of having more kids.
Yep- not only is TV the only way to get her to sit still, it’s the only way to get her to cuddle with me. Or at least the Mazzy version of cuddling— sitting on top of me with brief abrupt hugs.
We had Mazzy eating while standing up at the coffeetable for awhile. It was the only way to get her to eat. Put food out and let her graze as she did other things.
But now we have a new carpet and we’re stricter about actually sitting at the table. Which means a lot of nights, the girl doesn’t eat.
I’d settle for boring half the time. Wouldn’t it be nice to flip a switch?
How long do the have to sit still for Elmo to be considered normal? Mazzy will sit and watch TV but after a little bit, she gets up to do other things. She is much more likely to sit still for the iPad because it’s interactive.
Running around might be related to wanting attention. She was in a new/exciting/different situation, with a special dinner and a lot of relatives, including another baby. She probably wanted to make sure she was still the most important…by acting up and running all over the place. 🙂
We have a friend with a child who is very similar… no off-switch, but also no filter. In terms of filter, I don’t mean the bold and ‘obvious’ things that toddlers say (I.e. upon seeing a ‘Pat’ and asking if she/he is a boy or girl to her/his face), I mean correcting adults on pronunciation, explanations, methods, etc. When our friend’s daughter was 2-3 years old, it was cute. At the age of eight, it’s annoying. Also, at the age of eight, she still doesn’t sit still, even during a dinner which makes it difficult to have them over during a meal when our 18-month old sits with us at the table (for now).
If I had only known that the infant stage of parenthood was the easiest part, I would have enjoyed it more!
My youngest has the ants in her pans syndrome… going to church has become embarrassing. We’ve had people come up to us and say, “Bless you.”
The latest annoying thing while eating is that she likes to dump all of her food onto the tray, not too bad when it’s pasta. Horrible mess when it’s rice.
We try going out to eat every 3 months or so, but things haven’t calmed down. The last time, we had to play tag team, one shoveled food while the other took the girl out for a walk and vice versa. What is the saying, this too shall pass?
Yeah, that was my first-born (I just wrote a little comment on another of your recent posts about my second-born, the honey badger). Guess what! Guess what! Yes, she has been diagnosed with ADHD, it was just around the time she turned 8. Not saying Mazzy has ADHD – way too early to diagnose something like that – but what you describe sounds exactly like my S at that age. Le sigh!
I remember taking S to play groups with other 1-and-2-yer-olds and watching in amazement the totally opposite way some kids acted. I still clearly remember the discussion one day was around our most challenging discipline moment, and one other mom’s moment (with her almost-3-yo) was that her daughter wanted to climb on a statue in the park, and her mom told her no, and her daughter didn’t climb on it or throw a tantrum or anything but the mom could tell that her daughter wasn’t entirely happy with “no” for an answer, by the look in her eye.
That was her most challenging moment.
Yeah.
My jaw hit the floor, and my kid was half her kid’s age. I’m not sure I ever went back to that particular group, because most of the kids there were like that. Now in hindsight, I think that’s pretty extreme too but in the opposite direction from ants-in-the-pants. But at the time I had no frame of reference and really wondered if my S was remotely normal. She is, just in an antsy way. 🙂
Ilana, this is hysterical!! I love checking in here – there is always a good laugh in store… so thank you for that. But I have to ask a random question– whenever you post pics from inside your place, I cant help but notice all of your furniture looks like its in perfect condition, even though we all know you have a toddler running around in there. Where the heck did you get your sofa from ??- it looks like its held up worlds better than the one we have here in my house so I would love to know where its from
keep up the great writing!
–Ash
My little boy is the same way. Unless he is watching a tv show there is no sitting still. He has been that way as long as I can remember and doesn’t show any signs of changing soon. He would get so frustrated before he could crawl and then walk because he just wanted to be on the move. We were actually happy when he became mobile, little did we know what we were in for!
You just described my daughter perfectly!
Let’s put your kid and mine in a room together and see who can out spazz the other because seriously? Docile and calm are not words she knows. This kid is even moving around in her sleep and falling out of bed.
Dinner at the table? Please. Dinner at all is a feat onto itself, eating it from the table when there are “DAWGIES” or grandma’s or specks of dust floating is just not happening.
Spirited, they call that spirited and, in face I rather ENJOY using my daughter to scare the crap out of those “awww isn’t she presh” parents who are in their bubble. I started my TTC journey fearful of the toddler years. It’s eat or be eaten, they best prepare.
In “fact” not “face” ….stupid caffeine fingers.
My little one takes what I call, “The Power Nap1” Last only 15 mins. and it gives her the energy like she slept a full eight.
I wish Elaina sat still for the TV. She only watches TV when having dinner she likes westerns 30 mins tops. Or she will pause when music comes on the TV.
My 17yr old was nothing like her when he was small he was so mellow. My how I miss the days of easy parenting.
I have two wildly precocious little boys (5 and 2). Honestly, I only know of one kid that is calm and doesn’t have ants in her pants. So, I am starting to think my kids are normal and the calm ones are some kind of rare anolmaly. Here is to crazy kids everywhere!
My daughter was definatly the more sit quetly and play or color type exept the quiet she did and still does talk constantly..she did not watch tv and didnt like me to either also she was awsome at sitting at the table exept wen we would go out to eat were she would go very mazzyish! now she is almost seven and is making up for all the quiet time. she barely stops moving now! Im prego with my second and hoping that this one is as mellow though i do not think i will be that lucky! I believe i will have a worlwind of activity and chaos! But im sure i will never be bored!
I have a couple friends that had to do that with her sons room. It is the only way if you have an adventerouse (have no clue how to spell that) climber! Atleast you know your kiddo is safe while your attempting to shouvle food in your face before they get too bored!
I’ve just discovered your blog and have loved this post and the one about being relegated to a sliver of the bed. Our son is also extremely active (16 months) and doesn’t stop moving, even at night. He can’t stop moving long enough to calm himself to sleep, much less to sit through an entire dinner. Our doc says he’s just smart and wants to engage the world… my husband worries he’s just ADD and will terrorize us for years to come. My only hope is that both are right, not just my hubs. 🙂
My four and half year old son 100% has “ants in the pants”.. I have zero advice :/
My 2 and 1/2 years old daughters she has “ant in the pants” she’s make me crazy every time.