Since I’ve lived in New York my whole life, surrounded by fellow Jews, I’ve never felt like I was missing out around the holidays. That is, until I entered the wide world of blogging and had to figure out what to write about on Christmas.

Last year it was trying to compete with blog post after blog post about people joyously trimming their trees, decorating their houses, stuffing stockings, baking cookies, etc. while I selected one twenty dollar gift for our family Hanukah grab bag. (Read “What’s a Jew to do in Bloggerville on Christmas?”)

515T8J8wLTLThis year it’s ELF ON THE SHELF.

As far as I can tell, “Elf on the Shelf” is some sort of widespread disease that has crippled the entire blogosphere. It seems everywhere I click, someone is posting about the trials and tribulations of moving a creepy looking Elf (lovingly named- Ollie, Chaz, Pippa, Jingle, Alabaster etc.) from the mantle to the window sill to the bathroom cabinet to a precarious postion on the chandelier, all for the delight and bewilderment of their children who think the Elf is reporting back to Santa nightly with details on whether they’ve been “naughty or nice” in what can only be described as the BEST HOLIDAY TRADITION EVER.

How can a potato latke or a wooden dreidel measure up?

But just as I finished convincing myself that magical moving Elves who turn bahavior-challenged children into perfect angels should not be a reason to convert to Christianity, I stumbled across The Inappropriate Elf Contest on Baby Rabies. (This post is from 2011. For the 2012 contest, click here.) 

Elf-mainpageHave you seen this yet? IT IS BRILLIANT.

Basically, you take an inappropriate picture of your Elf and then submit it for a chance to win a freakin’ iPad 2 (because Christmas gifts are always 1000X better than Hanukah gifts, see digital clock pen I got when I was eight).

Even if you don’t submit a picture, I encourage you to go there and vote for your favorites.

Below are mine. (A big thank you to Jill from Baby Rabies who gave me permission to post them here.)

(with links to the bloggers who submitted them) 

“Dobbie Writes His Name in the Snow” from The Bearded Iris:


“Step One: Cut a Hole in a Box” from Adventure Mama:


“Dexter Morgan the Elf” from Dirty Diaper Laundry:


“Oops, I think I dropped my earring” from Valerie Witt:


“Making Ends Meet” from A Babbling Dreamer:


“Flasher Elf” from The Nut House:


“Cocoa” from Elf Likes It Bad:


“Kidney Theft Elf” from Lil Blue Boo:


And perhaps most disturbing of all (such attention to detail!)…

“What Happens at the North Pole Stays At the North Pole” from A Little Lucidity:


Please check out the rest of the submissions on Baby Rabies (there are over 100!) and cast your vote. They involve everything from crossdressing elves to internet porn watching elves to elves flushing birth control. I’m also pretty sure there’s an Elf defiling a beaver in there but I can’t be sure.

While you’re doing that, I’m gonna try to drum up a new tradition for Hanukah Harry.

Screen shot 2011-12-18 at 11.01.05 PM

Arson, perhaps?