I’ve got a special treat for you today. Anybody read Julie C. Gardner from By Any Other Name? If not, you are missing out.
Julie’s posts have this way of starting very funny and then all of a sudden throwing you for a loop and then by the end you’re inspired or crying or booking a plane ticket to California so you can show up on her door step and yell— “SURPRISE!” And then she’s all like— “What? Who are you?” And you’re like— “Your new best friend! DUH!” And then she lets you use her phone to call your family and tell them you’re still alive.
Don’t laugh. Read this post about her son’s birthday and you’ll understand.
Anyway, Julie has what we call “teenagers” and she is here today comparing having a baby in 2011 to having a baby in the olden days of 1996. I know you have lots of questions like— “Did you have to outfit your horse with a car seat back then, Julie?” “Did your wooden stroller give you splinters?” “Did Doc Baker drug you with moonshine and poppy seeds in lieu of an epidural?”
So I’ll just let Julie get right to it.
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Hey there, readers of Mommy Shorts!
I’m thrilled to be here, although I’ll admit when Ilana first invited me to guest post, I questioned what I could offer you young folk. After all, I recently turned 43 and haven’t been with-child in this millennium. I’m old enough to be Justin Bieber’s mother and have a brain crammed with trivia regarding seminal TV shows like The Love Boat and Fantasy Island.
Jealous yet? Of course you are.
Therefore, I feel it’s my duty (as a representative of the Reluctantly Mature) to explore certain aspects of young-motherhood that have improved since I got knocked-up in The Paleolithic Era (A.K.A. 1996):
1. CLOTHING: In my day, pregnancy apparel embraced Peter Pan collars and floral prints reminiscent of Grandma’s bedspread. I received one hand-me-down top that sported a teddy bear claiming I’m not fat! I’m stuffed with love! and a Baby on Board t-shirt with an arrow aimed at my vagina (in case strangers didn’t know where infants emerge). By contrast, 21st Century-fashion embraces the stylish likes of Victoria Beckham and Tori Spelling. In fact their maternity ensembles are more flattering than my current wardrobe and neither lady appears to be stuffed with anything.
2. BABY MONITORS: Today’s parents acquire the latest video technology for their nurseries. But in 1996, such high-tech gear would’ve drained my kids’ non-existent college accounts. Instead, our cheap plastic set-up boasted prehistoric auditory clarity with transistors emitting sounds worthy of a space shuttle launch. Eventually, both pieces retired to the toy box to be used as pretend walkie-talkies. Until my kids located two soup cans and a string which worked better and didn’t require batteries.
3. ULTRASOUNDS: Modern sonogram pictures are now three-dimensional! (Or is it four? And does the Ford Modeling Agency accept pre-natal portfolios?) My own children’s ultrasound images were streakier than a Rachel Zoe zebra-print maternity dress. I took it on faith that I was staring at a human baby although I couldn’t identify a single body part. “Is it a boy? A girl? A cashew?” (What? I was unusually hungry back then. Oh yeah and every day since.)
4. COLD TREATMENTS: I’m chagrined to confess we doped our kids up on pediatric meds at the first sign of congestion. We had no idea that administering the correct dosage for an infant was impossible; that baby cold medicine was ineffective. Now, rather than squirting Dristan at your kids, you get the Nosefrida! This is, of course, preferable to placing your mouth directly over your child’s nostrils and sucking. Probably.
5. BREAST FEEDING DEBATE: Just kidding. We had this, too. No matter what your age, there’s always someone willing to make you feel like crap about your parenting choices.
Still, unwelcome judgment is not the only element of parenting that will forever remain unchanged.
Rest assured whether your kid spends his allotted daily screen-time enjoying Zoboomafoo, Teletubbies, Yo Gabba Gabba or Team Umizoomi, even perennially unpronounceable children’s programming is better than The Love Boat.
And how about guilt? Mothers of every age are hard-wired to question their choices, to lie awake at night wondering if they could do better. Experts suggest we need to forgive ourselves and let guilt go. But I say let’s wallow in our worries and ask for really great gifts on Mother’s Day.
Why, you may ask?
Because we crave the scent of baby scalp and avoid the smell of Desitin.
Because we finish soggy grilled-cheese sandwiches and sing “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.”
Because from the minute we first see the cone-headed, cheesy-skinned faces of our offspring, we are suddenly and irrevocably stuffed with love.
We give thanks to our own parents. We cradle eternity in our hands. We feel the pull of generations long after the CLOSED sign begins blinking above our uteruses. Or is it uteri? It really doesn’t matter.
Because this place called Motherhood remains OPEN for a lifetime.
And beyond.
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Editor’s Note: See??
MLK,
I think I’m enjoying a glass of Mr. Cabernet right now myself.
The kids are at karate and I’m finally relaxing.
(I already watched the most recent Grey’s so mama’s off the clock.)
Sparkling74,
I may or may not be eating spaghettios and twinkies right now.
But at least I know I’m not pregnant.
Just hungry. And I have terrible taste…
John,
I have a whole wine closet ready for just this very explanation.
But everyone’s invited.
So first come, first served…
Charlene,
I felt the same way…Right after I had Jack, Rachel got pregnant on Friends and everyone started wearing cute stretchy tops that showed cute little bumps and cute strips of skin…
But I wasn’t about to squeeze into something like that with Karly.
As for The Love Boat? Well. I had a major crush on Gopher. Which may explain my current phobia.
Also, Fantasy Island was borderline terrifying.
Naturally.
🙂
My favorite posts are the ones you read with Baby Blogworthy.
But I hope he’s in bed now.
And that you’re relaxing, my friend.
Perhaps listening to Danger Zone?
Or maybe not…
Kenny Loggins can wait.
Oh thank you so much.
That post meant more to me than most.
So hug that baby for me. Tightly.
Love this post! And the pics are awesome, too. I tend to draw my own moral from such stories, though, and this time, it is “The more things change, the more they remain the same”.
I’m 58 and I was the baby monitor back in the dark ages. I kept going into my youngest’s room and nudging him until he stirred a bit so I’d know he was still breathing.
I didn’t get much sleep. He probably didn’t either.
Yea, and the breast-feeding scenario back then? ‘Bout the same.
Fun post!
T
I love, love, love you Julie. And I’m not ashamed to admit that I cried on this post too – after I howled with laughter over that tylenol then and now pic – hil-arious! I’d sell an egg to have Ilana’s skills with pie-charts and picture faceoffs. Thanks for the laugh (and cry) today, ladies. 🙂
Thanks much! LOVE your blog and Mazzy is adorable!
I know. Ilana’s pies are the BEST!
Or something like that.
Thanks for coming, reading, commenting.
Even in NaNoWriMo.
AND on a cleanse. DANG lady. No wonder you want pie skills…
Theresa,
While I was writing the post, I kept thinking: This is all the same nonsense in different forms…
Yep.
I can’t wait to be a grandmother and tell stories about the NoseFrida.
Or maybe not…come to think of it.
Two fab funny bloggers who can write together in one spot. Makes me happy.
And I too remember Fantasy Island. Da plane! Da plane!
I’m tall. But I’m pretty sure I’m the “before” model in the before-and-after shoots.
Sigh.
Julie never ceases to crack me up.
If only I’d had a maternity shirt with an arrow pointing to my hoo-ha…but I had my kid in 1997, so I guess maybe I missed the boat on that era. Or maybe I didn’t have the right gift-giving friends.
P.S. In England they still give babies allergy/cold medicine. This is either because their babies are more annoying or they’re smarter than we are (it has to be one of these reasons, right?).
Wow. You’re right. The laughing, and then the almost-cry at the end. It’s a gift.
In addition, you invoked Love Boat and Fantasy Island, Julie, which cements our soul twinness.
I will be at your door soon.
Ilana said it was OK! Because the best friend thing. That we are. (Going to be.)
I love Julie SO MUCH EVERY DAY.
I had these several wretched pregnancy rompers, because you know what is awesome when you have to pee 1,000 times a day? A ROW OF FUCKING BUTTONS.
Love this post!
I shouldn’t be so surprised any longer when phrases like “an arrow aimed at my vagina” cement my bloggy love. Well done!
I think the next phase will be a return to the prehistoric school. Moms will chew free-range chicken and feed the masticated bits to their kids. Maybe they’ll bind naked babies to their backs with imitation rabbit skins.
But then again, I’m halfway through a glass of wine.
Okay, did you just diss The LOVE BOAT?
Julie McCoy? Doc? Gopher?
Seriously?
Who are you kidding, JCG?
You know you loved every episode, especially the ones where Charro showed up doing the “Hoochie-Coochie” — and that was a lot. So just because you are hanging out with the young’uns, don’t forget that you know exactly what came on after THE LOVE BOAT.
*Ahem*
“Da plane! Da Plane!”That’s right.
FANTASY ISLAND, baby.
And don’t even tell me that you don’t know who Tattoo was. You know all too well. As do I. 😉
Seriously I could not love Julie more and this post is exactly why. You two are like the power blogging couple. When you take over the world together will you still remember me even though we were all drugged with cold medicine as children that most likely affected our long term memories?
Dangit I got hung up on the cough syrup thing. I wish I could give it to my 3 kids all winter long and have them sleep like other people’s babies (who I hear sleep). So many rules!
Hahaha this post was great. Julie you are too funny. I loved the breastfeeding side by side pics and the same caption. Also nothing tops Homer in a mumu for maternity clothes. Old school wins.
very noticeable difference, whether you’ve been there mom?