Today's Red Writing Hood prompt was to write a post inspired by the photo below.
The kitchen door flung open.
It was her.
We had only been apart for a few minutes but it was enough to imagine what it would be like if she were gone forever.
Long brown hair trailed behind her. I wanted so badly to touch it.
My eyes traced the outline of her face. Her eyes, her nose, her mouth.
I said each word silently to myself.
She wasn't looking at me. She was looking at a small white paper box on the kitchen counter.
In one move, she flipped open the box and whirled around to open a drawer, taking out a napkin.
Then her head flipped toward me as if she had suddenly remembered I was there.
Our eyes locked.
My world ignited.
Her body shifted slightly, cheapening our moment. I wasn't stupid. It was an effort to hide the box.
She considered me. And then walked over to kiss me hello.
It was nice. But not enough.
Before I knew it, she was back over by the box.
She turned on an angle so as not to face me directly.
I craned my neck to get a better look.
She pulled the lid back and angled her hand just so. Then she pulled something out.
My eyes widened.
It was pink and fluffy with bits of rainbow sprinkled on top.
My jaw slacked.
As she cradled it with the napkin, the corner of her eye caught mine again.
We stared at one another. A full kitchen between us. Her pink confection hanging in mid-air less than an inch from her lips.
Stupidly, I lunged for it.
Straps pulled me back. Anchoring me to my chair.
She turned her back to me to hide her prize completely.
But it was too late.
"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She stood very still as if by not acknowledging me, I might disappear.
"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her shoulders sank. Defeated.
She placed the uneaten object back in the box, gingerly closed the lid and stuck the whole thing in a cabinet, out of sight.
Then she smiled and walked over. Ready to play.
But I knew that soon she would try to eat it again.
And I would be waiting.
"Hi, Ma-ma."
Love where you went with that lol, you know she will never let you get away with not sharing – evah 🙂
This is PRICELESS! I love it.
I was very confused. “Why is she writing from… ohhhh. Ok. I get it.” Nice reveal.
The “MAAAAA-MAAA” cracked me up. I know better than to try to eat anything I’m not willing to share when my children are around -and a pink donut would SCREAM to be shared.
Good job hiding the “I” identity, I missed the early clue with the body parts.
OMG. SO true. Ridiculously true. I seriously hide all my treats from my daughter, because she is old enough to say, “What do you have?” Even if it’s IN my MOUTH! I loved this, it was so well written. It took me to the part of the straps to recognize who it was. Hilarious!
This was great! Love the separation anxiety…and then placing the box back in the cabinet!!
Well done!
Terrific piece. I miss the days when I could hide food from my daughter. Those days are far, far away.
hahahahaha – I like how the tension builds and bam –
“Straps pulled me back. Anchoring me to my chair.”
Until that line – I imagined the Hub – because quite frankly – MY husband would tackle me for a donut.
Nicely done.
I love the twist on this. I also did not fully pick it up until the “Straps pulled me back” line.
My daughter caught me eating a doughnut the other day. She screeched for her share – which I quickly shoveled into my mouth. No way do I need her to learn what they taste like, or I’ll never be able to pass the bakery part of the grocery store again.
I like the hint you had here (which I missed): “My eyes traced the outline of her face. Her eyes, her nose, her mouth. I said each word silently to myself.”
The grammar: It lapsed into passive voice a few times. This sentence is full of it: “We had only been apart for a few minutes but it was enough to imagine what it would be like if she were gone forever.” Rewording it to be more immediate: “Our few minutes apart spanned an eternity.” Or whatever. 🙂
Another sentence example for tightening: “Before I knew it, she was back over by the box.” This could be reworded simply by “Before I knew it, she walked to the box again. (eliminating passive). Or you could make it more vivid. “Seconds later, she abandoned/left/ me for the box.”
Only one line didn’t seem to really “fit” upon second reading (knowing who the “I” was): “My world ignited.” The verb seems.. off. Why would the child see her world as “catching fire”? I know what you were going for, it just didn’t quite work for me here.
My favorite line: “We stared at one another. A full kitchen between us. Her pink confection hanging in mid-air less than an inch from her lips.” It’s paints the scene and the mood all at once.
The “MAMA!” exchange was done SO true to life. The pretending, the defeat. Just perfect – putting me in your shoes.
Of course, now I’ve experienced the intense “I want that doughnut” feeling from BOTH of your characters. I really want one now. Dammit.
A sign of great writing. 🙂
Love it! And, in fact, while writing my TRDC post today (and re-making my donuts) just about the same thing went down in my kitchen!
What causes the most intrigue, and keeps you reading, is not being sure who is watching “her.” It’s great – is it a lover, a companion, a crazy person?!
Nope, just the ever-watching adoring young tot.
🙂
This was ridiculously cute and funny.
And sadly, true.
Loved this: “We stared at one another. A full kitchen between us. Her pink confection hanging in mid-air less than an inch from her lips.” Who knew a sharing moment could have you hanging on the edge of your seat?! 🙂
This was so sweet. I love the twist and how you kept me wondering who “I” was until so close to the end. The surprise was so worth the read. I love how you balanced somewhat serious dialogue with the mind of a child. Well done.
My son has told me he smells chocolate on my breath, so I can’t even sneak my treats in another room! Love this, you captured it so clearly.
I agree with another commenter that if you’re writing in a child’s voice, “ignite” is too sophisticated a word to use there, maybe try a different one.
Overall loved it. And? Now I wanna donut.
This is such a great twist on the prompt! I love this line:
She stood very still as if by not acknowledging me, I might disappear.
I pretty much try to do this everyday with one treat or another!
hehehehe, love it!
Love. This.
I love how you wrote this and it took me a while to figure out that it was a child!! It was the line, “Straps pulled me back” that finally made me realize it!
As moms we have to have something once in a while that is just ours. Something that we don’t have to share!
“I craned my neck to get a better look.” is such a great description.
In the end my immediate reaction was “Oh, that was mean! She didn’t share the donuts!”
And then the “straps pulled me back” made me realize it was a baby/toddler.
Loved it!
You are brilliant. That is all.
This was my favorite part:
We stared at one another. A full kitchen between us. Her pink confection hanging in mid-air less than an inch from her lips.
Stupidly, I lunged for it.
Straps pulled me back. Anchoring me to my chair.
She turned her back to me to hide her prize completely.
But it was too late.
It brought it all together for me.
I love, love, love that it was her child wanting the donut!! That was brilliant! And the last part “But I knew that soon she would try to eat it again.
And I would be waiting.” That really made the whole piece for me! I love that it’s from the perspective of the child. Great twist.
Thanks for the detailed feedback! I have to think about the passive/immediate thing— you raise an interesting point.
“Ignited” was used because I have read that babies look at your face like it’s a jolt of caffeine. Like coming alive. That’s why you aren’t supposed to look at them when they wake up in the middle of the night. Just soothe and put back to sleep. But maybe “ignited” seemed too passionate?
love it love it!
i am always trying to sneak stuff when my kids aren’t looking. now they’re old enough to know better. snort.
maybe she’ll try again at naptime? (if she’s smart)
😉
I love this POV from the child too. You did an excellent job with it. Great take on the prompt!
“It was pink and fluffy with bits of rainbow sprinkled on top.” Love this imagery.
What pure torture! Lol. Love the last line, “And I will be waiting.” I think it would be perfection to just end it right there. Fun piece! I felt tortured. Now I want a donut. Lol.
I’ve had moments like that. The piece is perfection. Thanks for the laugh.
This was adorable! I have been in this situation on more than one occasion!!!
And you said it with perfection “I would be waiting”
How fun! It took me a while to figure out, but when I did I was so amused and satisfied. Great job!
I love this writing from the toddler’s perspective. At first I wasn’t sure what the relationship was, especially with the word “ignite,” which sounds so passionate.
Loved the ending, with her getting ratted out – perfection!
Oh my God you are clever!
This was brilliant. Simply brilliant.
I laughed and then re-read it to catch all the details. I have not a word of concrit, but lots of kudos.
Ha! – I had a feeling this was where you were going but wasn’t quite sure. I just love the perspective, this was such a creative way to go with the prompt.
This is great! “MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I love it! Of course in my house, it meow and woof. And no straps, hmmm. Might have to fix that.
I agree with Kelly about the word ignited. My first thought was spouse. Otherwise this was really well done.
I remember trying to hide the best stuff from my daughter. Either I wasn’t sly enough, or I had guilt.
This is fantastic!!
What a great piece.
Everything I wanted to say has been said above, so I’ll just keep it short: I loved this. 🙂
This is cute. I have been there myself, having to sneak stuff.
I think Kelly caught most of the concrit. There were a couple of places where it got passive, but overall, nice piece! I could definitely picture the movements and the emotions.
Nice!
I love all the subtle foreshadowing of your protag’s reveal.
Genius POV!
Reading back a second time, to savor, I loved the longing for the long hair, and the way she angles herself away to hide the treat.
I’ve totally done that.