Editor's Note: It did not occur to me that I
was writing a post about MOM JEANS until
well after I was finished. But it is what it is.
If you are the kind of person that can walk
the Victoria Secret catwalk in a bra and
wings three weeks after having a baby, then
there is nothing to see here. But if you've
had a baby and didn't immediately bounce
back to Jessica-Alba-like-shape afterwards
(or, if you are like me and were never in
Jessica-Alba-like-shape to begin with), then
perhaps you should hear what I have to say.
I made a simple, yet amazing, discovery. I
could be upset that it took me over thirty
years to figure out, but instead, I have chosen to revel in the happiness that comes with what will surely be a monumental turning point in my life. I can't say for sure that it will change your life as drastically but I think you should at least give it a shot. Ready?
I have discovered that I LOOK BETTER IN MEN'S JEANS.
Are you still with me? Alright, then.
Not just any men's jeans. That would be ridiculous. No. I'm talking about MEN'S SKINNY JEANS. The kind of jeans those euro hipster rockstar wannabes wear in Brooklyn (see right). Even more specifically— I just bought myself a pair of men's skinny jeans from 7 for All of Mankind. I tried them on by accident after I had cycled through every pair of women's jeans in the store to unsatisfactory* results. And let me just tell you— men's skinny jeans are like a denim clad angel sent from above.
They fit snugly (because they are meant for skinny rockstar boys) but not too snugly (because they're men's, hello!) plus they come in a bunch of cool washes (that's fancy jean code for color) and levels of distress. BUT, miracle of miracles, the waist comes up to the jeans of yester-year height (I'm guessing that's because men need a longer space in the crotch). They clear your belly (hallelujah) and lay around your waist right where waistlines belong.
(Call 'em mom jeans— I don't give a fuck, they look awesome).
Who decided women look best cut right through the middle anyway?? It's not like I am trying to show-off a belly button ring or a tramp stamp or something. NO. All I want is a smooth surface for my sweater to rest and a waistline that won't show my asscrack the second I bend at the knee. Because I know for a fact that nobody wants to stare at my underwear while I sit on the floor for storytime at our local library. And I'm willing to bet that nobody wants to stare at your asscrack either. I'm talking to YOU, Miss Purple Shirt with the green thong. Take your kid and sit in a chair in the back, PLEASE!
Try them on for yourself and thank me later,
P.S. If this post wasn't entertaining enough and you'd like to see the perils of muffintop in music video form, I present this Lady Gaga tribute from the blog— My Mom's A Nerd. Although in my opinion, these women are at most dealing with mini-muffin-type situations.
*unsatisfactory = I refuse to even exit the dressing room let alone walk on the street.