1. Keep all evidence of bottles, milk, boobs, formula, cows, etc. out of sight while you are feeding the baby. Even the slightest glimpse of a bra strap can derail your efforts entirely.
2. Don't bend down to pick food up off the floor while the baby still has food on his/her plate. Unless you like the idea of a vegetable medley hat. 
3. Don't make the mistake of buying a bib with a giant strawberry on the front. After the baby finally gets over the massive distraction, she will attempt to eat it between every bite.
4a. Suction cup bowls work for approximately two minutes before your baby silmultaneously summons up the strength and the brainpower to pry the thing off. Use that two minutes wisely and be on alert.
4b. Don't microwave the suction cup bowls. Whatever minimal suctioning ability they currently possess will be completely lost.
4c. If you do microwave the suction cup bowls, don't tell your mother. She will lecture you endlessly about putting plastic in the microwave.
5. Never pretend to understand the fickle taste buds of a child. Example: I thought pasta would be a no brainer. A person would have to be crazy not to like pasta— it's universally delicious! Turns out my baby is a COMPLETE WACKJOB.
6. Do not try to eat anything that you do not want to share with the baby. There will be tears. And screaming. And more tears. Until eventually that foie gras stuffed with caviar is all hers.
7. If it is on your plate, the baby will want it. Even if the baby's plate contains the exact same thing. Don't try to rationalize— IT'S A BABY. Sheesh.
8. Do not attempt to understand people who use cloth bibs that need to be thrown in the wash after each use as opposed to waterproof plastic bibs that can be easily wiped clean. They are crazy people and they probably don't like pasta.
9. The longer the baby has food in front of her, the more likely that food will work it's way up past her eyebrows and into her hair.
10. You will buy a fancy high chair. Then you will go on a trip and buy a portable and packable solution like Phil & Ted's MeToo Chair. Then you will spend the next year and a half wondering why you didn't save yourself $200 and a ton of kitchen space by using the portable thing the whole damn time.
HA! Awesome.
Awwww…this brought me back…to nightmarish visions like this…WITH TWINS. I’m off to pour myself another glass of wine now.
Hee hee. The other thing I’d add is that under no circumstances should you opt for a highchair that has fancy fabric lined seat because it looks cool. You will be forever washing it and it will always still look grungy..sigh
I don’t know how people with twins do it. It must demand some sort of super mommy strength. You can probably lift cars now and put babies to bed telepathically.
Sounds personal. If you need the name of a therapist to get over the incident, let me know.
Is number one about children or when we as men eat? Got a bit confused.
Give me a medal for #10 – I figured this out for babes 2 and 3! As for the others, I might as well be a newb…
This is funny. But lately we have a super-human eater. Our 1-year old eats EVERYTHING. Anything. He practically never spills a single drop of food on his lap, and if any gets on the bib he picks it off after the meal and eats that too, and we barely need to wipe his face after it’s so clean. Oh, and he’ll weigh 200 pounds by pre-school. But for now, life is neat and tidy.
A vegetable medley hat? That sounds quite stylish!
Has Mazzy not yet discovered her Greek roots? When C is done with eating he will go for the great Zorba finale and fling his plate as high and far as possible while yelling “Epa!!”
Bonus points if there was still food in the plate before flinging. The spectacle of it flying all over the room is worthy of the Gods.
Are you the man who answered my comment challenge? Welcome. Interpret however you wish. Spread testosterone around. Pee on my sidebar. Whatever makes you feel more at home.
Congratulations! I hope I don’t suffer from unnecessary high chair amnesia by the time I have my second.
I’ll lend it to you! It’s very colorful. But it smells funny.
Is he available for clean-up around the hours of 8am, 1pm and 7pm? I’ll make it worth his while.
She shuns the plate toss and opts instead for the plate drop. Which is nice of her because it means we can concentrate on mopping the floors instead of the walls.
That’s why we don’t give ours a plate. Screw that noise! I’d rather just clean off the high chair tray, than have to wash his hair after every feeding when he tries out his bowl/hat.
Thanks for the friendly reminder that I should be so very thankful that those days are behind me.
Also? I never bothered with bibs, cloth or plastic. Just one more thing to wash/clean.
Good tips
I love #7 and I was lucky enough to experience it last night. I made small pizza for the little man and I (the big man was travelling) and even thought we were eating the exact same thing, the little man wanted what was in my plate which he ended up getting while I got to eat of his plastic plate with fishes on it. Great time
so true! If this were my list, I would add: prepare yourself for the cinnamon era, when you will need to sprinkle cinnamon on everything that you would like your child to eat: cheese, pasta, veggies, cereal (until baby gets cinnamon rash all over face, thus ending cinnamon era.)
Actually, we do the same thing. Plates act only as a vehicle to more easily distribute food to the floor.
Shirtless dining? Or were the clothes already so full of dirt and spit-up that it didn’t make a difference?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “But you’re eating the same thing!” forgetting of course, that she has no idea what I am saying.
OK- well, now my list would include: Never feed the baby cinnamon. Unexplained mayhem ensues.