Yesterday was a shitty day. It wasn't that anything horrible happened. It was just that I spent the whole day with an unexplained lump in my throat that felt like, at any moment, it could travel upwards, liquify, and then burst out of my eyes.
I might have felt sad because yesterday, after ten months of breastfeeding, I had to give the baby her first bottle of formula. Or maybe it was because I had unusually low traffic yesterday and it felt like you guys had gotten sick of me. Or it could've been because I finally saw last season's finale of Dexter and I. Did. Not. See. That. Coming. Most likely, it was a combination of all three coupled with a general sadness that is known to show up every once in awhile. In any case, I was uncharacteristically glum.
Mazzy, it turned out, felt the same. Usually, she is nothing but sunshine and smiles (that's a gross exaggeration but just go with it) but yesterday something was off. It could've been because of the two little baby teeth finally cutting through her bottom gums. Or maybe it was because she doesn't like that fall weather dictates having to wear a hat and sweater. Or it could've been the horrible realization that the rubber ducky with the pirate hat (she loves that thing so much that it has made it's way out of the bath and into the diaper bag) is indeed missing. But I suspect that like me, she was unhappy just for unhappiness's sake.
The only difference between whatever she was going through and whatever I was going through was that the second she's upset, uncomfortable, or unfamiliar she's allowed to reach into the bottom of her very existence, dig up any and all bad feelings that she may find and then scream her head off and let the tears flow. And to add insult to injury, do you know what she gets in return? Someone runs to her, scoops her up and holds her as tightly as possible. She gets her favorite song sung softly in her ear while simultaneously getting her back rubbed. This goes on for as long as it takes for her to relax, take a breath and realize that she can learn to love her other rubber ducky even if it's minus a very chewable pirate hat.
I must say, that all sounds fantastic. So if I ever let myself have a real live baby breakdown, and you happen to be standing nearby, please do me a solid and pretend you're my mom.
Thank you.
(Also- does anybody else watch Dexter? Because that ending was seriously devastating!)
It feels weird to tell you this when you’re talking about your sad day, but I seriously LOVE your blog. I just found it and I love it. Also, you should blame your low traffic day on Columbus. All. His. Fault. Men!
I am feeling EXACTLY the same way this week! Owen is teething, coming off an ear infection and fever, and just cranky, which adds to my crankiness. Other little things have been building and there have been some points where I questioned whether I could hold back any longer. It would be SO helpful if I was just able to let it all go, and not have to take care of someone else (baby OR husband) and could just be held and cry my eyes out like Owen gets to!
Just do it. See who comes to your rescue. Hopefully it’s not someone creepy, but a hug might be nice either way.
I have not gotten to see the Dexter.I am so behind. Have your baby breakdown. THings get crazy and overwhelming sometimes and you HAVE to have your breakdown or it will turn inwards and become grouchiness and anger. You certainly don’t want that!I just had mine on Sunday and luckily my Big Guy was around to hold me. Not talk. Not listen. Just shut up and hold me tightly.Its reassuring and it let me get rid of the lump I was holding in my throat all week.I promise if I am ever near and yo have a complete meltdown>I will pretend I’m your mama and tell you it will all be alright. Another option, this works sometimes. Watch a sad movie ( I watched the Last Song) and cry your eyes out. I cried for the last 30 mins of that movie but it was so cathartic.We all need to expunge our sadness sometimes. Hope it passes. Big hugs!
My husband is available and not especially creepy so let’s see if he volunteers:)
I forgot all about Columbus Day until my husband reminded me of it last night. I have enough trouble remembering what day of the week it is so remembering the day Columbus discovered the New World seems totally out of the question. Let’s hope that’s what it was!
Thank you Debi. I would normally do something like watch a comedy to make myself feel better but maybe I have to try a new tactic. Ok- I’m adding the Last Song to my Netflix list- it’s time for Operation: Cry It Out.
I would just like to reiterate that everyone loves you and your blog and also, I bet Mazzy would be more than happy to return the favor. She may not be good at rubbing your back or singing your favorite song (yet), but a baby hug is possibly better than a mom hug, or even just an inhalation of sweet baby hair/head. Hope you are back on track.
Natasha, you are too kind:) And yes, hugging the baby is good for her and even better for me. There are few things I love more than the moment Mazzy relaxes and melts into my shoulder. She has also recently started this new thing where she likes to lay the side of her head on my chest. She does it only for a moment before she is on to the next thing but that moment is pure heaven.