Star Magazine has outdone themselves this week and instead of saying "Guess Who???" over a picture of some poor celebrity's flabby ass, they've decided to grade celebrity moms report-card style in an article entitled "Best & Worst Moms!"
I'm sure their editors are busy clearing space on the company mantle for their pulitzer as I write this.
There are so many things wrong with this premise I can't even begin, except to say, it made me buy the stupid magazine. Goddamnit, Star Magazine!
The most shocking thing about the article is that Angie is awarded an A+ and "Mother of the Year" for her double masectomy ("I can tell the children that they don't need to fear they will lose me to breast cancer") and Reese Witherspoon gets a D+ since disrepecting authority sets a bad example for her kids.
It's like 2013 is Celebrity Mom Twilight Zone!
Katie Holmes gets a predictible C- for taking Suri to dinner at midnight (family insiders say Suri's tantrums are because she's "so tired") and January Jones gets a surprising B+ for her eating her own placenta ("outside-the-box thinking shows initiative!").
Wouldn't it be great if we could give Star editors an F at life for writing such CRAPTASTIC content?
Joining Reese Witherspoon is Gwyneth Paltrow with a D for refusing to feed her kids carbohydrates. Of course, now I'm wondering if Gwyneth can come over to babysit because if 'you are what you eat', Gwynnie might be the only thing that can stop Mazzy from turning into a bagel. Although, Mazzy would probably just say, "Ok, fine, then I'm not eating anything" and Gwyneth would say, "I'm so proud of you, Mazzy— that's FANTASTIC!"
Halle Berry gets a C- for trying to turn her daughter against her father and Brandi Glanville (a person that does not exist in my celebrity rolodex) gets an A for hiring a great publicist to weasel her way into this article. Or because she won't say anything negative about ex-husband Eddie Cibrian. Except, you know, to magazines which are all readily available.
I know what you're thinking… How does Nicole Richie fare???
Nicole gets a C for laughing at her son falling ("I just think its funny!") while Christina Aguilera gets a C- for throwing out her son's snacks so she won't eat them. (I write this as I inhale the last of the potty training M&M's, kinda wish I'd thought of that…)
Pink earns a B+ even though she occaisionally swears in front of her kids ("Fuck, Calliou! Turn on Motherfucking Arthur!") and Gwen Stefani gets a D for turning her husband into the nanny. You know, cause working moms suck and men who stay at home are nannies, not, oh, I don't know— DADS.
Tori Spelling gets a D- for letting her kids watch eight hours of television a day (It's a 90210 marathon, y'all!!) and Mayim Bialik gets a B- for breastfeeding her son up until the age of four (Donna Martin Graduates! Sorry, I've gone to my happy place!)
Britney Spears gets a C+ for leaving her kids with strangers all day, while Heidi Klum gets an A+ for saving her kids and her nannies from almost drowning in Hawaii.
So. Just to get things straight. Having nannies— BAD. UNLESS, you pull them out of a rough surf.
Two Fs were awarded to Keely Shaye Brosnan (aka Mrs. Pierce Brosnan) who "can't stand being around her own kids" and Farrah Abraham (aka some chick from Teen Mom) for showing up to negotiate her porn contract with her daughter in her arms. Well, which is it, Star? Do you want moms to hang out with their kids or not???
I feel a litte bit dirty even reporting on the report cards but if I can save one person from buying the magazine and thus make Star $3.99 less than they would have made otherwise, I've done a good thing.
If you eat all your son's snacks including his placenta and don't laugh at your children falling, especially if it's under the table at your porn contract negotiations, YOU ARE AN EXCELLENT MOM.
Except if you have a nanny. Then you better stage a house fire and pray you pull her out alive.