Lying-to-your-kids

Back in October, I wrote a post called "Lies I Tell My Toddler", including "it's against the law to go to school in your pajamas", "the playground closes for naptime" and "mommy is allergic to all pets, even reptiles".

Then, I asked you all to share the lies you tell your kidsโ€” to get them to behave, eat their vegetables, clean their room, etc. and it became clear that knowing other parents' untruths is way more valuable than any parenting advice you'd ever read in a book by a so-called "expert".

So, as a public service to parents everywhere, here is a comprehensive "Guide to Lying to Your Kids" compiled from your responses. 

Just in time for Christmas, when you tell your kids about SANTA, aka THE BIGGEST LIE OF ALL. 

Of course, I'm Jewish so my child already knows SANTA for who he really isโ€” the creepy drunk old man at the mall.

PART I: HEALTHY EATING

"I tell my 5-year-old he won't grow any bigger if he doesn't learn to eat his vegetables. And then if he eats some, the next day I shift his height chart so it looks like it's working." Toulouse & Tonic

"The ice cream truck only plays music when they are OUT of ice cream." Jen 

"If you eat raw cookie dough, it will expand and rise until your stomach explodes." – Heather

"There is a worldwide macaroni and cheese shortage, and we have to limit our consumption to twice a week." - Katy

"McDonald's runs out of food. All the time."Danielle

"We have traumatized our son with fake phone calls to the mayor of our town to let him know a child in his district was not eating his vegetables."Kristin 

"Your teeth will fall out and you won't grow, if you live on candy and cheddar bunnies." Keesha from Mom's New Stage

"Candy at the check out lines is only for smelling." – Amy V

"Ice cream trucks are really ambulances for clowns." – Samantha

"Spiderman eats all HIS dinner." Synnove 

"Cocoa Krispies are only sold on Long Island, where my aunt and uncle live, but not in New Jersey, where they are only on display." – Lauren

PART II: PERSONAL SAFETY

"No one goes outside to play after the sun goes down." Synnove 

"You go to jail if you don't buckle up." – Missy

"The sign in the grocery store window says 'children must stay in the cart'." – Brigette

"I use Monster Spray (PATENT PENDING), a revolutionary aerosol mist that's odorless and invisible. It repels all monsters, boogeymen, ghosts, and potential nightmares. This long-lasting spray works equally well under beds, in closets, and around the edges of curtains to completely seal the room with a protective coating of safety." Hollow Tree Ventures

"I had my son convinced the emergency room was closed on the weekends." – Adrienne

"I had a pathological fear of my son eating popcorn. I thought he'd choke to death on a kernel. So I told him Pirate's Booty is popcorn. He believed this until he was well over 4. Then one day at a friend's house he ate real popcorn and came running to me, "Mom! You have GOT to try this!" Motherhood WTF

"At an outdoor wedding I told our 3 yr old there were wild animals in the trees so she wouldn't wander off… She was scared of the woods for years." – Nicole

"If you open the car windows while the air conditioning is on, the whole car will blow up." – Elaine

"That animal by the side of the road? Sleeping." – Angela

PART III: AVAILABLE ENTERTAINMENT

"Our TV does not get Nickelodeon (for the mere fact that I cannot stand Sponge Bob.)" - Kelly H.

"Our iPad takes naps regularly." – Violina23

"I've put Yo Gabba Gabba in the CD player upside down so I could fake like it was broken." – Katy

"Thomas, Curious George, and Angelina Ballerina go to bed when the nightly news comes on. And Calliou is in permanent TIME OUT." Kristin @ What She Said

"The Chicago Bears are so awesome that even Doc McStuffins and Dora drop everything, including their time slots, to watch them, and therefore there is nothing else on TV." – Katy

"DirectTV makes us turn the TV off at 8pm because it gets too hot." – Rachael

"The grocery carts with cars on the front of them are broken and they park them out front for the mechanics to pick them up." The_BMG

"Chuck E Cheese is only for birthday parties." – Kristin

"Chuck E Cheese is only open when it rains." – Annelise

"There are no Chuck E. Cheese's in New Jersey." Kim from Let Me Start by Saying

"TV has been broken in every single hotel room we've ever stayed in. Our family has the worst luck!" Random Handprints

"Since we're going to Disney World, I've been telling my kids its the happiest place on earth so anyone seen or heard whining, pouting or unhappy is asked to leave!" – Diane

PART IV: BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION

"I tell my 4 year old that if she says a bad word, her tongue will immediately fall out… to date she hasn't tested the theory." – Heather

"I used to tell my kids that if they told a lie their nose would grow Pinocchio style. They believed it so much that to this day, my middle daughter (who is 8) will hold her nose when she is lying! It gives her away every time."Sarah0201 

"When my little boys misbehave, we ask him, 'is that the way a good Gator Fan would act?' The fate of all of Gator Nation is on his head." – Julie

"My kids believe I have eyes in the back of my head that see EVERYTHING. They think the 'back eyes' grow in after you have a baby." – Jennifer

"My kids were both screaming and driving me nuts, so in the spirit of 'every time a baby laughs a fairy gets its wings' I blurted out 'every time you yell, you are calling a werewolf to our home!' " – Kande

"I tell my kids that if they lie to me, a red dot appears on their heads that only I can see. Now they squirm every time they lie and try to cover their foreheads." Jen from PIWTPITT

"I can tell when they're lying because their eyes change color. This is a double win for me because my eyes obviously do not change color when I tell them this, which proves I'm not lying!" – Lindsay

PART V: HYGIENE & CLEANLINESS

"If you don't brush your teeth right, your breath will stink, your teeth will turn yellow, and no one will want to talk to you." Kelley's Break Room

"If you don't clean your room, the vacuum sucks everything off the floor. For good." – Lauren

"If you cut your own hair it won't grow again. It only grows when cut by a professional." – Kandance

"I have a special pair of glasses that can see if you used your toothbrush." - mommylisa 

PART VI: MILESTONES

"The police will put mommy in jail if I try to buy a pacifier for a three-year-old." – Nicole

"The store doesn't sell diapers after size 4 so you have to be potty trained." – Letizia

"It's against the law for 5 year olds to ride in strollers." – Lanei

"The Tooth Fairy is no good and lazy, which is why she was a no-show." One Funny Motha 

PART VII: MORE CHRISTMAS LIES

"Deer are Santa's spies. We regularly have them out back, so their behavior improves rapidly on sighting. Deer Crossing signs mean they've been spotted in the area, so not only do my kids start singing 'Santa Clause is Coming To Town,' they also stop fighting in the car." The Tired Mother 

"Forget 'Elf on the Shelf,' Santa has put a gnome in our home with a hidden camera that he periodically watches. Problem is, I collect gnomes, so my sons don't know which one is watching." Deanna 

"I have Santa on my cell phone's speed dial."Kim from Let Me Start by Saying

"I tell my kids that smoke detectors are 'Santa cameras'. The beauty of the lie is that everywhere has smoke detectors (stores, friends' houses, etc.) and it usually just takes a quick 'oh, wow, there is a Santa camera here too' for me to have two perfect angels shopping with me." – Alesia

"My kids believe that all smoke alarms are Santa Cams. When they're being really naughty, we press the test button so that it flashes and beeps – which means Santa is PISSED." Anna from My Life & Kids 

Santa-camera-smoke-detector

Seriously? I might have to start celebrating Christmas, just to get my kids to behave.