Since I’ve lived in New York my whole life, surrounded by fellow Jews, I’ve never felt like I was missing out around the holidays. That is, until I entered the wide world of blogging and had to figure out what to write about on Christmas.
Last year it was trying to compete with blog post after blog post about people joyously trimming their trees, decorating their houses, stuffing stockings, baking cookies, etc. while I selected one twenty dollar gift for our family Hanukah grab bag. (Read “What’s a Jew to do in Bloggerville on Christmas?”)
This year it’s ELF ON THE SHELF.
As far as I can tell, “Elf on the Shelf” is some sort of widespread disease that has crippled the entire blogosphere. It seems everywhere I click, someone is posting about the trials and tribulations of moving a creepy looking Elf (lovingly named- Ollie, Chaz, Pippa, Jingle, Alabaster etc.) from the mantle to the window sill to the bathroom cabinet to a precarious postion on the chandelier, all for the delight and bewilderment of their children who think the Elf is reporting back to Santa nightly with details on whether they’ve been “naughty or nice” in what can only be described as the BEST HOLIDAY TRADITION EVER.
How can a potato latke or a wooden dreidel measure up?
But just as I finished convincing myself that magical moving Elves who turn bahavior-challenged children into perfect angels should not be a reason to convert to Christianity, I stumbled across The Inappropriate Elf Contest on Baby Rabies. (This post is from 2011. For the 2012 contest, click here.)
Have you seen this yet? IT IS BRILLIANT.
Basically, you take an inappropriate picture of your Elf and then submit it for a chance to win a freakin’ iPad 2 (because Christmas gifts are always 1000X better than Hanukah gifts, see digital clock pen I got when I was eight).
Even if you don’t submit a picture, I encourage you to go there and vote for your favorites.
Below are mine. (A big thank you to Jill from Baby Rabies who gave me permission to post them here.)
MY FAVORITE “INAPPROPRIATE ELF” PHOTOS
(with links to the bloggers who submitted them)
“Dobbie Writes His Name in the Snow” from The Bearded Iris:
“Step One: Cut a Hole in a Box” from Adventure Mama:
“Dexter Morgan the Elf” from Dirty Diaper Laundry:
“Oops, I think I dropped my earring” from Valerie Witt:
“Making Ends Meet” from A Babbling Dreamer:
“Flasher Elf” from The Nut House:
“Cocoa” from Elf Likes It Bad:
“Kidney Theft Elf” from Lil Blue Boo:
And perhaps most disturbing of all (such attention to detail!)…
“What Happens at the North Pole Stays At the North Pole” from A Little Lucidity:
Please check out the rest of the submissions on Baby Rabies (there are over 100!) and cast your vote. They involve everything from crossdressing elves to internet porn watching elves to elves flushing birth control. I’m also pretty sure there’s an Elf defiling a beaver in there but I can’t be sure.
While you’re doing that, I’m gonna try to drum up a new tradition for Hanukah Harry.
Arson, perhaps?
You are right about the elf epidemic – I celebrate Christmas and even I feel left out because I lack a creepy elf to stalk my children.
That contest is priceless.
Thanks for guest posting!
I was all against this Elf on the Shelf thing, but this post just convinced me it’s awesome fun.
Thank you for the awesome shout out! Now, that reminds me, I need to go move are friggin elf.
OMG – totally hilarious.
Our elf (got him last year) is cute. He’s plush – even his face, and he’s not so skinny.
Those photos are AMAZING! I love the flasher one – and poor Santa!
These are so, so hilarious! It’s hard to pick a favorite…but Flasher Elf & Stripper Elf made me laugh out loud. We have an Elf – his name is June, as in summer…
That is BRILLIANT! LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!
Well there are haunkkah helpers… http://www.elf-magic.com/cgi-bin/commerce.cgi?search=action&category=A001
Meanwhile our Jewish kids have Holly the elf anyway since Santa comes to their Grandparents’ house…
I love these naughty Elf on the Shelf pix…mine’s a goody-goody – but I wonder if that’s only during the holiday season…maybe he lets loose the day after Christmas!
i am so the opposite, the elf (even inappropriate) is firmly in my “reasons to be jewish pros” column.
Is Elf on the Shelf a new thing or has it always been around? I swear I’ve never heard about it until this year.
Thank you for letting me post these here. I hope someone worthy wins that iPad2!
The abominable snowman is even taking pictures. Oh, the INDECENCY!
I hear they all vacation together in Vegas, the second the holidays end.
Good point. It could go either way…
These pictures just made me all kinds of happy.
Brilliant! I now have a new mission come next year. Make the Hanukah Helpers the biggest thing since Christmas!
Flasher Elf is a sleeper. It’s only got about 40 votes as opposed to most of the others which have several hundred. If you like it, make sure to vote!
You can totally do it!
We have the same favorite. Though, if I’m being honest about my moth-to-a-house-fire love of debauchery, they are all my favorite.
You must get on the Schmuck on a Shelf trend created by @jlweinberg (blogs as Kvetch Mom).
Please know that I will happily take fried potato products in lieu of Christmas gifts. Italtian-American Jersey catholics and New York Jews are kind of a great match. Oy vey! Let’s mangia! I’ll bring the baked ziti to seder.
Happy Hanukkah tomorrow (and for the next seven days after that)! I hope you don’t get a digital clock pen.
Step one: cut a hole in a box.
No way.
People are genius. And all kinds of wrong.
At the same time.
I love people.
I really don’t get the Elf on the Shelf thing myself. I had never heard of it until this year, maybe because I didn’t follow blogs last year? It is a bit out of hand in my opinion.
But the inappropriate Elf on the Shelf is my style. Too funny.
Santa’s ball gag just makes that last picture all sorts of awesome.
This is all good fun, but don’t feel too bad about being left out of the tradition – there’s the beginnings of a mutiny in the blogosphere against the Elf and the overachieving mommies who make him do all sorts of crazy shit in an effort to please their kids. I think it’s still underground for the most part, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it goes mainstream next Christmas resulting in a full-on Elf on the Shelf war. I haven’t decided whose side I’ll fight on yet.
I feel the same way! To comfort myself I created Shmuck On The Shelf. A Jewish elf who gets into mischief! He and Hanukkah Harry can be co-conspirators!
Oh there are some sick sick people out there.
I like it. 😉
I just died laughing!
Didn’t YOU give out an iPad 2 in a contest? You are the Jewish Santa!! Don’t let the C-and-E masses (aka Christmas/Easter Christians) steal all the holiday joy … truth is, elfs are athiest, so belong to us all.
No kidding! I heard about it and exercised my parenting right to lazily ignore it until my kid told me about how her best friend has one and I was all like “Yeah … sorry, there are no more elves left, they are already established in homes or back to work” and she said ” no it’s not too late!” and I was like ” yeah. kind of is” and then cursed parents everywhere for this new holiday stressor as if I can’t consistently remember their Advent calendars ( currently 3 days behind) and at least twice woke in a panic in the wee hours due to Tooth Fairy forgetfulness, what we will likely end up with would be “Comatose elf”.
hey! OMG, Adam and I were talking about you guys, came to your blog and saw this – hilarious. We were just talking about creating “Whore on a Menorah” 🙂
Shmuck on a shelf is pretty great. 🙂 I love coming up with our own responses to this time of year – a friend of mine wants to market “Mensch on a Bench”. I told her to go for it, her husband was less thrilled I hear. I tried to find someone with a spare elf so that I could partake in the sick humor, but came up empty handed.
This elf business is a crazy phenomenon this year. I haven’t done it because I KNOW I will screw it up and never move the elf. I haven’t been over to Baby Rabies yet but love your picks.
Those pics are hilarious. My husband actually works in the Christmas decor business, oddly enough. (Other holidays too.) My kids were saying that they wanted something like Elf on the Shelf so he decided that he should make a prototype called Jew in the Zoo!
Gawds he is so creepy. I like the idea of the elf but the creep factor… Bleh.
Thanks for sharing the contest. Those photos only confirmed my suspicions that the elf “ain’t right”.
Maybe we’ll opt for “Santa’s beer-guzzling redneck neighbor” next year. 1) Because my child could likely relate more 2) I won’t have to move him around much… He’ll be to lazy to report back to Santa every night.
Yes that was how I felt too! We were fine until my daughter got one at school. I was resisting until then. I am lucky to move ours. I refuse to do more than that.
Holy Moses! I knew I liked you. We totally have the same favorites! And special thanks for the shout out. You are a doll.
PS – One of my Jewish twitter friends has a great idea: “Schmuck on the Shelf.” Maybe you could get in on the ground floor with her?
Thanks for the shout out! Yes, I disturb even myself sometimes. I’m glad my parents aren’t on the Internet. :/
hanukah harry is hilarious.
and totally inappropriate–yet can’t help but look–elf on the shelf here.
I’m sorry that I didn’t read all of the previous comments, so this may be a repeat, but the Bloggess has a great post on this: http://thebloggess.com/2012/12/elves-are-assholes/
I’m almost done converting to Judaism and have been feeling very alone this season 🙂 I love asshole elves though!
Elf on a shelf is not a tradition I will be bringing into my home, but these photos are hilarious! Oh the dirty minds of adults…
[…] For those who have had the good fortune of avoiding the Elf on the Shelf, it is an over-priced stuffed elf that comes with a book. The main idea is that the Elf is a spy for Santa who watches the kids all day and reports back every night. Each morning, the parent puts the Elf in a different place, some of which involve increasingly complicated scenarios. While I normally love toys that come with books, the only thing the Elf on the Shelf is good for are these hilarious photos that reveal the Elf in some very compromised situations. […]