One of the hardest things we face as parents is teaching our kids about the evil that exists in our world. We would all like to shield our kids and protect their innocence for as long as possible, but we don’t live in a bubble and real life doesn’t always give you that opportunity. On 9/11, New York parents feel that more acutely than most days, particularly for those of us who were in the city that day.
A lot of people have asked me what I have told my children about 9/11 and when I decided to tell them. My answer is different for both kids.
Mazzy (my 8yo) knows about 9/11 because a few years ago on the anniversary (I think when she was six), she walked into our bedroom as we were turning on the television and saw a clip of the planes flying into the Twin Towers. Mike quickly changed the channel but it was too late.
“What was that?” she asked.
“It was a plane flying into a building,” we said matter of factly, hoping that would be the end of it.
But the impression of the image was too great and that was not the end of it. “Did that really happen?” she wanted to know.
Of course, I did not want to have this conversation, but I also believe these moments determine how and when your kid will come to you in the future. I think it’s very valuable for parents to show their kids that they will give truthful answers, even if they are ugly answers. And so we told her, “Yes. It really happened. Two planes flew into two buildings, they were called the Twin Towers, and knocked them down.”
“Did people die?” was her next question.
“Yes, some people died. But there were a lot of people were able to make it out alive too.”
We told her it happened before she was born. Then we pointed to the place in the skyline where the buildings used to be (you can see the downtown skyline right outside our bedroom window) and told her that they built the Freedom Tower in its place.
“Will it ever happen again?”
We told her “no,” which might be a lie but it might not be. We told her that they changed a lot of things to make flying safer so that it would never happen again, which is true. We told her she was safe. Mazzy accepted all of that and didn’t have any other questions.
That night, as we do every 9/11, we stood on our balcony and watched the blue memorial floodlights light up the sky. “Those are in memory of all the people who died that day,” we said. Mazzy nodded.
Last year, when she was seven, Mazzy asked if the people flew the planes into the buildings on purpose. That was a much harder question to answer, but again, we tried to be as truthful as possible. We said “yes, they were bad people who also died that day.” We assured her that even though there are some bad people in this world, there are far more good people and she is safe. She left it at that.
Earlier this year, we took Mazzy and Harlow to the top of One World Trade. The experience of One World Trade is incredibly celebratory and they do not touch on 9/11 at all when you go up to the Observatory.
As a result, it was much more emotional for me than it was for the kids, and we chose not to bring it up. I didn’t think either of them were ready for the Memorial Museum yet and we left that for another time. I think when I am ready, I will take Mazzy on her own. I might chose to go by myself first, so that I am better prepared.
This year, it was Rosh Hashanah on 9/11 so the girls had off from school. Mazzy is home sick today with a virus, so she will probably not go back to school until at least the end of the week. I’ve heard that many teachers start talking about 9/11 in the fourth grade, so I’m not sure what she will miss in her class while she is out. We are also not currently living in our apartment, so we do not have the same view of the lights at night. I decided to make time to talk with Mazzy about 9/11 anyway, so she would know that we honor this day every year. I told her what the date was and asked if she remembered what happened that day. She said, “Yes. The planes flew into the Twin Towers.” Then I told her a little bit about my experience that day — about how I looked for Poppy and when I found him, I felt safe. I told her about family and friends coming together to cheer the firefighters and emergency workers who were driving down the Westside Highway to Ground Zero and realizing how lucky we are to live in such a special place like NYC. I told her she was lucky to grow up here.
This year, Harlow (my 5yo) got her first introduction to 9/11 when I took her to see the new mural by Kobra Street Art on 49th St and 3rd Ave, pictured above. But I didn’t tell her about the planes yet. Since Harlow hadn’t accidentally seen anything on TV like Mazzy, I had the opportunity to better control what information she was given. I wanted her exposure to 9/11 to be in the reverse.
I told Harlow that today is a day about honoring our heroes and all the people they tried to save. I told her that on this day, seventeen years ago, firefighters and EMTs and policemen and women put their lives on the line to help others. I told her that today was a day that celebrated the strength of NYC and how during a really tough time, we all came together as a caring community.
I’m not sure how much she internalized from what I told her, but she did understand something, because after staring up at the mural for a bit, she said, “There should be a heart on top.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because he’s a hero and everyone loves heroes.”
The tougher lessons are yet to come.
How old were your kids when you told them about 9/11? What did you say?
Thank you for sharing – it seems like you’re handling explaining it to your girls really well. I can only imagine how hard it is to explain what that day was like in the city.
I haven’t told my boys anything yet (they’re 3 and 5) and am not looking forward to it and having to tell them about that day. I wasn’t in NYC, but in college in DC at Georgetown and remember seeing the smoke rising off the Pentagon and the panic in trying to call family and tell them I was ok and to check on family in NYC. Most of all, I remember the eerie quiet in the skies for the months afterwards when they closed down Reagan National. Truly a day and a period of time that will be hard to forget.
This is a tough thing for us because our oldest just started Kindergarten and the school he attends is in Lower Manhattan (it was one of the handful that evacuated that day and there is a plaque on the wall commemorating that those children witnessed the worst of humanity along with the absolute best that day). We can see the Freedom Tower just a few blocks away out of the windows of our apartment. We have to walk by the memorial often the get to where we’re going. Luckily my 2yo has no clue but my 5yo has started noticing and asking questions. Our local bookstore had an entire section of the kids department dedicated to children’s books on 9/11 for the last few weeks so we took the opportunity ahead of the school year to talk to him a small bit about it. Our explanation was very similar to what you told Mazzy at 6 so I feel much better about it, I honestly wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing but I’d rather him hear it in doses from us than be blindsided later I suppose. Thank you for taking about this tricky subject.
i was a fourth grader on 9/11 when it happened, and i always wish i had been shielded less and told more. i spent a lot of that day confused and worried about why a lot of adults in my life were very clearly trying to avoid discussing anything with me. it was all that was on tv all afternoon anyway, and i wish my parents and teachers had just made time to answer my questions and explain it to me rather than leaving me to absorb information i couldn’t really process without help.
i bet mazzy has been really appreciative that you have made time to answer her questions honestly and thoughtfully!
I highly recommend Towers Falling, by Jewell Parker Rhodes, when you think Mazzy is ready for it. We did it last year at my son’s school with 3rd/4th graders, and listening to them compare what they learned through the story with what they knew, and how they made sense of the events of that day, was really amazing to watch. Because the kid characters in the book are themselves learning the history of the events of 9/11 — and its lasting impact on the people of NY — it was also delivered in a way that was honest but not as scary as a nonfiction accounting of the events.
My son is 10, and we have told him much of what you shared with Mazzy. He was named after a friend who died in NYC on 9/11 and we live in DC and drive by the Pentagon regularly. The hardest question is “Why?” We answered that the bad guys wanted to hurt us and make us fearful, but we actually became stronger and braver despite our sadness. My daughter (6yo) is generally less in-tune with culture and news, and we haven’t made a point of talking with her yet. I think living close to the scenes of the attack makes it much more challenging to have these conversations with kids.