Harlow is a pretty particular kid. She likes things when she wants them and how she wants them. She does not budge.
Sometimes her requests are tough, like the fact that when she gets up in the morning and comes in our room to wake us, she has absolutely no desire to climb in bed with us. She wants to sit on the couch and she wants to sit on the couch NOW. She also wants cold water with ice, a waffle cut in fours, and a bowl of strawberries with the tops cut-off but otherwise whole. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT cut those strawberries in half. And don’t even think about serving that water ice-free.
She’d also like a bowl of cereal but she doesn’t know which cereal. And it’s not enough to just name the available cereals. You must bring her over to cabinet, hold her up in the air (our cereal cabinet is above the stove and microwave) so she can see the cereals herself and make a choice. Yes, she knows it’s the same cereal selection every day, but she must confirm that fact with her own eyes.
When she sits down to eat her cereal, she’s very cold. That’s because she’s only wearing underwear. She’s only wearing underwear because every night after I put her to bed, Harlow drags her little body back into my room and asks if she can take off her pajamas.
“Will you go back to bed if I say you can take off your pajamas?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Then sleep naked. I don’t care.”
In the morning, when she sits down to her bowl of cereal and announces that she is cold (and by “announces,” I really mean, “barks in a panic”), I say, “Well, why don’t you put some clothes on?”
“NO! I NEED MY BLANKIE!!!”
In this moment, I know exactly the next sequence of events. I will tell her not to use her blankie because she might spill milk on it and get upset. She’ll say, “I won’t get upset” which I know to be a lie. Then she’ll give me her best doe eyes with a “Please can I use my blankie, Mommy?” and I’ll oblige, tucking the blankie under her tush on the chair so no cold air can get in, as I have come to understand that she likes it. Then she’ll take a spoonful of cereal, spill milk on her blankie and scream, “OH NO!!!!!!! I NEED A NAPKIN!!!!” And I’ll have to run over immediately to wipe the milk away to stop the tears.
Harlow is a bit of a tyrant. And a neat freak. With possibly a dose of OCD.
Mike and I have come to know her particulars and our goal is usually to keep the peace. I mean, if she asks for something unreasonable, we have no problem saying no and dealing with her wrath, but if it’s something simple, sometimes it’s easier to just give in. Because it would be totally bad parenting to consistently give in to a child, I find myself trying to anticipate the potential pitfalls so they don’t set her off to begin with. Like, if I know she’ll freak out over a cheese stick stripped clear of the plastic wrapping, when really she likes the plastic wrapping pulled halfway down so she doesn’t have to actually touch the cheese stick with her hand, I’ll just make sure to give it to her that way. Or I’ll ask her ahead of time if she wants her pasta warm or cold, her waffle with syrup or no syrup, her jacket zipped or unzipped because she always has a very definitive preference and if you assume anything, you will get it wrong. “Okay, so I’ll just unzip the jacket!” I’ll find myself screaming and then we’re both screaming over a zipped jacket which seems even more ridiculous.
I think Harlow tends to get away with this stuff because she has remained a tiny peanut even as she grows older, fooling us into thinking she’s still a toddler in her terrible twos, when really she’s a four-year-old heading to kindergarten next year.
The other night, I finally put my foot down. It involved an issue regarding Mazzy, a book and some ice cream.
The girls were having ice cream after dinner. Mazzy was eating her ice cream while she did her homework. Harlow wanted to scoop out her own ice cream, which was admirable, I thought. The only problem was that the ice cream was pretty hard and it was tough for her to scoop out. I offered to help but she insisted on doing it herself. By the time she got the cup full, the ice cream was in the beginning stages of melting.
After she finished, she sat down at the table with her dessert and asked if I could read her a book while she ate her ice cream. No problem.
Then Mazzy asked if I could wait to read the book until she was done finishing up her homework. All she had to do was fill out the sheet that said how many pages she had read from her book, along with the name of the book and the author. A couple minutes tops.
“Sure, Mazzy. No problem.”
But there was a problem, because Harlow wanted me to read NOW.
“I’ll read as soon as Mazzy is done,” I informed Harlow. “She’ll only be a couple more minutes.”
“But then my ice cream will be melted!!!”
“So eat the ice cream now and I’ll read the book after.”
“NO!!! I WANT YOU TO READ THE BOOK WHILE I’M EATING MY ICE CREAM!!!!!”
Well, now this didn’t seem just particular. This was unreasonable. So I said…
“Harlow, you have two choices. You can eat your ice cream now or you can eat it in a few minutes. Either way, I am going to read the book when Mazzy is finished. If you want, you can put your ice cream in the freezer while you wait.”
Harlow didn’t like those options at all.
“I said… I WANT YOU TO READ THE BOOK WHILE I’M EATING MY ICE CREAM NOW!!!!!”
“No, Harlow.”
She screamed again so I had to throw out a third option.
“Harlow. If you scream again, I will have to take away your ice cream and then you will get nothing.”
She screamed again.
I took away the ice cream.
She went ballistic.
I sent her to her room.
When Harlow cries, it is goddamn awful. There is not a sadder sound in the world. I don’t know what it is, but it elicits something in me that never happened with Mazzy. With Mazzy, I always believed that when she cried, she was just being dramatic and everyone, including her, knew it. With Harlow, it really sounds like her world is caving in on her.
Nevertheless, I persisted.
I listened to her crying escalate and tried to remind myself of something my sister had told me long ago. That when a kid is having a tantrum, the crying always gets worse before it gets better. It’s called the Extinction Burst and the worst thing a parent can do is give in at the moment the crying is at it’s most heightened. The end result being that your kid will just learn to reach the heightened frenzy sooner because that’s precisely the time when they get what they want.
I went into her room to comfort her.
She looked at me, her eyes soaked with tears and practically hyperventilating.
“Okay, Mommy,” she said through sobs and hiccups, her sweet little munchkin voice returning. “I will eat the ice cream melted.”
“No, Harlow,” I said calmly. “There will be no ice cream.”
“I SAID, I WILL EAT IT MELTED!!!”
“Harlow, sweetie. The chance for ice cream is over. I’m sorry.”
I wish I could say that she understood her fate at that point, but instead, what I had previously thought was the extinction burst turned out not to be the extinction burst at all, because this was the moment Harlow truly went to an awful awful place.
She became hysterical, banging on the door with her fists and screaming for me to let her out to get the ice cream. I was inside the room with her, but sat with my back leaning up against the door so she wouldn’t open it.
She shrieked and cried, making her little voice wretched and raspy and oh god, it was so hard to watch her and not cry myself.
“Harlow. It’s time for you to go to bed.”
“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!” She wailed.
“Do you want me to lie with you?” I asked her.
“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
I picked up her flailing body, placed it on the bed as she kicked and screamed and then tried my best to tuck her in. Finally, she stopped fighting me and gave up. Her breath heavy, her eyes red and her cheeks soaked.
“Harlow, do you understand why you didn’t get your ice cream?”
“No,” she told me.
“It was because you got mad that you couldn’t have it exactly how you wanted it. Next time, you just have to think about if it is worth getting so upset.”
“Okay, Mommy, I understand” she said, as her eyes glazed over and the last hiccups settled.
“I love you, Harlow.”
“I love you too, Mommy,” she said.
I put my head down next to her on the pillow so that I could lie with her until she fell asleep. This was the moment when we would come back together and everything would be okay.
“Mommy?” she asked sweetly.
“Yes?”
“Can you get Daddy so that he can lie with me instead?”
Ah. This was Harlow’s punishment for me. “Alright,” I told her and left her bed.
I found Mike in the other room.
“Harlow wants you to lie with her.”
“Okay.”
“But, whatever you do— DO NOT GIVE HER ICE CREAM.”
You are not alone! My second child is very much like Harlow – likes what he likes, when he wants. His cries, the same. I can tell when my 5 year old is being dramatic, but with him, gut-wrenching. I agree that when you are fighting over something as little as a zipper, it puts that “fight your battles” phrase in perspective. We are also trying to break these types of habits, so I love reading how other people are handling situations like mine!
Thanks for sharing this.
Oh. My. Goodness. My 4 year old is exactly the same way. Between seams on her socks not feeling right, to her milk being too warm or too cold, to get hair being in a bun just the certain way for bedtime, etc. The list goes on forever. And the tantrums when I put my for down never seen to get better. I’m exhausted. My first had a few meltdowns, but nothing like her little sister.
When my daughter had the issues with seams on her socks, a teacher told me to let her wear them inside out. Problem solved. Maybe try that?
Oh, wow. We sort of had the same problem with our daughter. She is almost 8, but she’s the size of a 4-year-old. People instinctively give her whatever she wants, and, as a result, she’s learned to put forth the least effort possible. While she knows better than to tantrum like that, she’s extremely manipulative. Add in the fact she was an only child for 5 years, then got two brothers in two years, she had become a nightmare! We realized really quickly that we were screwed. Only now, 2.5 years later, is she backing down in her championship-battle-of-wills (she always loses anyway) and turning into a pleasant, kind child again. Thank God.
Good luck.
I feel like you had a video camera in my house last night. We had a fight about ice cream with my 4 year old that ended in no ice cream and bed. I also have a 4 year old that is particular.
This post was a rollercoaster of emotions for me!! I wanted to cry with Harlow when she asked so sweetly with her sweet little munchkin voice she would eat it melted and you still said no (I’m not a mom, I know I don’t get it haha) and then laughed didn’t know what to think when she asked for Mike. Loved It! (Greetings from Mexico)
Oh Harlow. She and my Lucie seem to have been separated at birth…stay strong Mama.
I know exactly what you mean about the crying. My oldest cuts me to the core with her crying, but with my youngest, it is more like Mazzy – either “worthy” or “fake.” So strange how there is the difference with kids like that!
Thank you so much for this. I’m just entering the tantrum phase with my son and it sometimes just makes me feel like an awful parent. It’s so hard to balance letting him be independent and a free-spirit without also letting him rule our household. It gets exhausting trying to predict every little thing that will set him off. Thanks for making me feel less alone today.
Thanks for sharing! I suddenly feel not so alone in my battles!
I so needed this post. My 2.5 year old has been difficult and is the same as Harlow, particular and demanding all served up with a side of OCD. I know it’s a phase–which undeniably ends when she turns 20–but it’s the most difficult thing about being a parent. Mothering is easy–feed her food, clothe her, bathe her, make sure she’s sleeping enough. But parenting–the discipline, the life lessons, the setting up a foundation to raise a decent human being–is hard. They test everything we have and it’s so easy to just “give in” and give them the ice cream, but I’m glad you stuck to your guns, Mommy Shorts. I’ve been trying to stick to my guns too bc in the end I don’t need to impress my daughter or make her like me. I just need to produce a decent human into our society.
THIS!! So true- “mothering is easy” but “parenting” is hard! My son turns 3 next month, and this describes everything perfectly. Just trying to raise a decent human being without losing our own sanity deserves all the support and encouragement from the rest of us trying to do the same thing.
We had this same battle over dinner on Monday! And then yesterday he cleared his plate with zero fuss- preschoolers are something else.
Thank you so much for sharing this, I really needed to hear that my 3 1/2 year old daughter is not the only stubborn child with similar issues. I try to convince my husband to read your blog and understand that we are not the only ones going through these issues. My daughter is so sweet but when she insists on something there is no budging and it is constantly an internal battle trying to decide when to give in and when I need to hold my ground.
Gosh, so many of us can relate. Keep breaking your child. Keep teaching her to be independent. Let her clean up the milk next time it spills…she can be held accountable for her decision even here. My daughter was very much the same way. It was so very hard not giving into her just so she’d stop crying. There were times when my husband would “kick me out” of the house for a little bit because he could tolerate the crying more. He was way more persistent than I ever was. And, in the end, it paid off. We both learned to keep breaking her…not in spirit, but in her demands, her tone, her attitude, and her awareness of those around her. We taught her a better way. She turns 12 today and is everything we would ever hope for in a kid. She’s amazing. She still struggles with expressing her frustrations, but don’t we all, sometimes? Good luck and thanks for posting.
My first is a similarly intense child, and I empathize a lot with this article. He got significantly better when he turned 4 but we still have some extraordinary moments (not in a good way) every now and then.
This is so close to real…. My second born (just turned 3) is just like this. And yes, her strategy is to start crying — Where is my daddy.. I need my daddy!! 🙂 Including to lie down beside her. But at other times, she will come over and cuddle and say ‘I lobe you”. she still hasn’t figured out the ‘v’ sound entirely.
You did the right thing. This will not be the last time you have to endure. In fact you may have the identical showdown at some point before she really knows it’s consistent. This time you get to do the “remember last time, when I had to take away your ice cream because you wouldn’t compromise? I sure hope you decide this time so I won’t have to do that again . ” hopefully that’ll be all it takes. I hate those sobs that squeeze your heart into pieces. But having a school age tyrant is even worse.
This is how both of my kids react! It is exceptionally hard with my oldest because I feel like he should know better by now. It is so hard when the meltdown happen and instead of being able to do something fun, you have to take it away because they can’t be rewarded!
Oh goodness you made me cry with the ‘I love you’s’ and laugh with her daddy request. I think this personality must come with a lot of second children because my son is so much like that. He is very particular about things.
Ugg, sometimes it’s the little things. My 5 year old rarely throws tantrums, but he will get up set about something and sometimes it is the dumbest thing every. And sometimes he’ll request something or I’LL request something that is so simple, yet it turns into a power struggle. I often think, why was that so hard; for both of us.
Sometimes I’ll just say something like put your milk in the fridge, not unreasonable, not a crazy request, not a pick ALL your toys up now request, and I get a NO. Well that starts down the power struggle road, and power struggle road often comes with counting and ultimatums, and a really PO’d mommy because this was NOT an unreasonable request. When it’s all over I think, when the request came out of my mouth it was innocent and simple, and that innocent and simple request turned into a big dang mess. And that mess just possibly ruined the rest of the night. With me looking at this tiny boy wondering what is going on in his head and how easy it would have been if he had taken the 2 minutes to put the milk away. Or I if I had just never even worried about it in the first place.
Why does it all have to be so hard??
Oh my goodness sounds just like my 4 year old. It’s so hard. I’ve had drag her kicking and screaming from the gym one time because she would not listen. It’s awful. I just have to keep telling myself she will grow out of this!
This makes me laugh because it sounds exactly like me (minus the screaming). Please bring me my ice cream at the perfect degree of meltiness, exactly as my show begins.
OK, I’m going to disagree with the psychologist, because I am currently studying two modes of parenting that do NOT see comforting a child as “coddling” and that actually give parents tools to use to connect and empathize, while setting reasonable limits, without going the authoritarian route. Both methods- Positive Parenting Solutions and Hand In Hand parenting- you can look them up- are backed by tons of research and are led by trained psychologists as well. Their methods are working, very well. Ilana, I definitely advise looking into Positive Parenting Solutions. I’m taking their online course and after the first lesson alone, I was able to change how I interact with Dylan and Jackson to start to help with the behavior that is very similar to what you describe with Harlow.
I am also speaking with my pediatrician and looking into getting both of my boys evaluated for possible Autism Spectrum Disorder, something I never thought would happen to me, especially not twice over. Both of my boys are very verbal, highly intelligent, and their physical development is aces. But it is starting to appear, especially with Dylan since things tend to show up more in the 3 year old range with boys on the “high functioning” end of the spectrum (used to be known widely as Asperger’s Syndrome, but that diagnosis has been eliminated and everything falls under ASD now) certain sensory sensitivities such as not being able to stand the feel of clothing on, especially certain fabrics; extreme picky eating with Dylan that seems to have a texture basis but also a resistance to new things, extreme rigidity in routine, needing to have things be the exact same… and there are other social behaviors too that both boys exhibit, etc. The thing is that this post, and what I know of Harlow from previous posts in all the years I have been following you, seems to include many things that *might* be something to maybe consider as just maybe something to bring up with your pediatrician, just to see if he/she thinks that there may be a reason to look a little deeper. I know TONS of kids are similar and do not have autism at all, so I am not saying that Harlow has autism. It’s just something that I bring up because girls tend to get missed and diagnosed much later, because most research in the past has focused on boys, and boys express even high-functioning autism much more “loudly” basically. My *only* reason to even mention it is because if there is an underlying reason influencing her behavior, then that means that there might be a way to help her with an intervention or a therapy. Even if she just has, say, some mild sensory processing problems, then therapy can help her process the world more easily. I just want to put it out there as maybe something to just read about even if only to shoot me an email saying that I’m super wrong. I really am not trying to be a downer or anything. It’s just that in my personal research into this subject, I’ve learned a lot about sensory processing issues and some of Harlow’s behaviors seem to maybe suggest something to look into. I love you guys so much, you know me, I’ve been following you since Mazzy was two! And I would never risk being flamed for this if I wasn’t really trying to help because Harlow is awesome and I just want all of you guys to be happy. That’s all. Love you guys so much!
It’s tough to read but I appreciate your desire to help. My sister is a school psychologist who works with special needs kids and specializes in autism and early intervention. She spends a lot of time with Harlow and hasn’t seen anything that raises any concerns for her.
The no clothes at bedtime thing I honestly believe is a stalling tactic. Mazzy does it too and I can’t remember who started it. Once dressed, she hasn’t had any of the other issues I hear from friends who have kids with sensory issues like sensitivity to tags or sock seams.
In regards to the comment from the “psychologist,” I believe that was a troll and deleted the comment. She used the same email address with a different user name as the person who insulted my parenting and treatment of Mazzy a few comments down. I just recently discovered and blocked a long time troll and I think she is now using my email address instead of her own to comment. That’s why my face is coming up when she posts.
I’d like to know if Mazzy got the story read to her
I find it so hard that when one Ki did being difficult they are rewarded with attention, whereas the well behaved child gets accidentally punished with no attention
My son was exactly like this at her age! And my poor husband was gone all week, so it was insane when he came home. He wouldn’t do anything right by my son’s standards. It was so hard on all of us (especially me not getting a break from it)
He’s 8 now though, and life is good again. He still has things he wants a certain way. They’re not unreasonable and most he can just take care of himself. We do have to be very careful with one thing in particular. If you tell tbis kid we’re going to do something or get something…you better darn well do it! He will obsess and ask the same questions until said event occurs. So we don’t usually tell him what’s happening unless we know for sure it will happen.
Even with that, the tantrums are gone. He knows I won’t give in because when he was younger, I handled things like you did. He knows I’m here, I love him, but I will also set and hold limits when it’s necessary. Things were the worst from 4 to 5 but started to improve once he started school…mostly… kindy sucked, then was great…first was great, then sucked…second grade has been amazing.
There is hope! Hang in there! 😉
Oh man, this started as “If you give a mouse a cookie” and ended with Caillou.
Thanks for sharing such a real piece of parenting that we can all relate to. I’m sure this is something you and Harlow can laugh about when she’s older (and maybe even has young kids of her own!)
Thanks so much for sharing this – I can really relate! My almost 5 year old daughter behaves very similarly to Harlow as far as the tantrums go. Oh my lord the crying! She has also gotten away with so much because she was an only child for a little more than 4 years (her baby sister was born last summer). And then it got a bit worse when she had to share the attention. But, we’re 8 months in with two kids and things have gotten better. She still tests our patience every day and has become a master manipulator/negotiator but we’re trying to do our best. I keep telling myself that the skills she is developing now will serve her well when she’s an adult! Ha!
Keep on it, Ilana! Harlow and Mazzy are both such great kids. You and Mike are doing an awesome job!! 🙂
Nevertheless, you persisted!!! I love it, and I love you. Thanks for sharing this. Something to think about – maybe if you hadn’t gone to her room to comfort her, it would have been the extinction burst. When my particular child has a tantrum and is sent to his room, we say he can come out when he is ready to be calm. It seems to provide more of an incentive to calm down on his own.
Oh my god!! I thought I was alone in this fight of it must be the way I like it and it must be done the moment I say it or you better know what I am about to say even thought I dont even know what I want yet faze!!!! And my kid is almost 4! He is a second child too! Maybe that is what it is! He has a touch of the OCD too and is a clean freak, as in he can play in the dirt on his terms but for the love of god if he notices it on his hands as soon as he is done the entire neighborhood will know about it!! I really feel like they are a true test of our will to see how long it is till we give in!!
Completely relate! My daughter has been having daily tantrums since she turned 4, over the littlest things. It’s exhausting!
My 3 1/2-year-old isn’t especially particular, but he wants what he wants when he wants it and is incredibly stubborn. It’s been quite challenging for us to try and turn him into an empathetic human. He’s at the age where many kids display their finest sociopathic and narcissistic tendencies, and it’s difficult for me to separate out what is normal developmentally vs. what behavior is unreasonable (e.g., picking our battles). Like you, I try to head off some of the issues before they arise and decide which ones I’m going to fight. Occasionally I choose the wrong battles and it’s a disaster for us all.
He also has the EPIC sad face and tears and it hurts my heart to watch him crumble, but sometimes it’s necessary. It’s also rubbed off on our 6-year-old, who (like Mazzy), cries for dramatic effect but has seen it work for his brother and tries some of the same tactics. We had a showdown yesterday where my little one was climbing the fence at the park, and I asked him to get down twice because it wasn’t safe. The second time, I warned him that if he climbed up there again, we would leave, so of course, he tested that. I upheld the stated consequences, we left my oldest and my husband at the park, and he cried the whole way home and for another 30 minutes once we got home. He kept saying, “One more chance, Mommy, please give me one more chance to listen!” I really thought about it and almost turned around, but decided to hold firm. I felt like a heartless person, but I think it was the right choice. Time will tell.
Long story short, I feel you.
That sounds awful! Way to stay strong mom. You are an amazing parent.
Yes yes yes this is my daughter! We fight with the do we give in or don’t we give in. We really pick our battles! I worry sometimes that she might really have something medically wrong such as being on the autism spectrum but then I read stories like these and read the comments and I know it’s just her personality. It’s so hard though! She will be 4 next week and I know she can be sweet and wonderful but she’s also can be horrible and demanding and persistent and things have to be HER WAY! It’s so draining as a parent. It’s good to knows as parents we are not alone. Kudos to you for sticking to your guns – that would have been so hard and I’m not sure how I would have handled that. We have had many similar situations in our house that I probably haven’t handled the best way. I’m trying to be better! I have a 6, 4 and 6m old and there’s always something coming up that I just don’t know how to deal with. Thank you for sharing.
My second kid is EXACTLY the same. We had a similar situation this morning with pants. He wanted to wear “little pants” (shorts) when it is 50 degrees out in the morning. I laid out five pairs of long pants for him to choose from but he still completely freaked out for over a half hour. I flashed back to this story and remembered the “extinction” thing and didn’t give in. And he pulled it together finally.
I do wonder how to handle it from there…I mean obviously I can’t put him back to sleep at 7am (which is when most of his drama happens). He just seemed sort of shell shocked.
So glad to hear that I’m not the only one!