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It’s 9pm. Do you know where your child is? I do. She’s up complaining about one of numerous things that is wrong with her current bedtime situation.

I swear, there is no one on earth more dissatisfied with their sleeping conditions than my three-year-old Harlow. She doesn’t like her sheets, she despises her pajamas and it’s beyond abhorrent that her designated spot is on the bottom bunk, beneath her big sister.

She just came out of her room to tell me that she can’t fall asleep because Mazzy is talking too loudly. I walked back into their room to tell Mazzy to be quiet. A few minutes pass and then suddenly Harlow appears at my side again.

“What’s the problem this time, Harlow?”

“Mazzy is talking too quietly.”

There is no pleasing her!!!!

Here are 45 excuses Harlow has for not being asleep. No, I am not pulling these from memory. She said them all tonight. She’s still saying them RIGHT NOW.

1. I’m too hot.

2. I’m too cold.

3. I need water.

4. It’s too loud outside.

5. It’s too quiet.

6. I need a band aid.

7. I didn’t take my vitamins today!

8. My sheets are itchy.

9. My pajamas are too small.

10. I need another pillow.

11. I can’t find Dophinie!

12. I want to sleep in your bed.

13. Can you lie with me?

14. It’s too dark!

15. It’s too light!

16. Mazzy is talking too loudly.

17. Mazzy won’t talk to me!

18. I’m still hungry!

19. I have to poop.

20. My bed isn’t cozy.

21. I bit my tongue!

22. I bumped my nose!

23. I’m itchy.

24. My pajamas are too hot!

25.I spilled my water!

26. Sleep is booooooring.

27. My blanket isn’t flat!

28. There’s too much stuff in my bed.

29. I finished my water!

30. I’m not tired!

31. Is it tomorrow yet?

32. My pajamas are touching me!

33. The sheets are bunched up.

34. Where’s my blankie?????!!!!!

35. I didn’t eat my night time banana!

36. I need another kiss goodnight.

37. My tummy hurts.

38. I need a tissue!

39. I need ice!

40. I”m finished with the ice.

41. I left my water bottle in the living room.

42. I can’t find my sunglasses!

43. I can’t fall asleep!

44. I can’t close my eyes!

45. I just have to tell you something!

The last one is my favorite. You know what she has to tell me? Any one of the above 44 things. Sometimes she screams her excuses from bed, but you know what’s worse? When she gets out of bed to share them with us, personally.

Harlow pitter pattering into the living room or surprising us by sidling right up next to our bed. “My Lego head broke off.” “OH MY GOD, WHY DO YOU HAVE LEGOS IN BED???!!”

Please, go to bed, Harlow! We’re trying to watch TV out here! We need to get work done! Our sanity depends on it!

I used to get so much accomplished at night. Now it’s just convincing Harlow to stay in bed and then by the time she finally dozes off, I don’t have the energy to do anything except keel over myself.

This is why I haven’t watched a single episode of Game of Thrones or Broad City or Empire. I really think I’m missing out on some good TV.

What excuse does your kid use that I missed?