My good friend Karen Alpert, the hilarious mom behind I Heart My Little A-Holes
Karen did me the favor of writing an original piece for my blog, both to get the word out about her book and to help me since I am busy writing my book. Karen’s kinda like my book mentor. TEACH ME, BABY SIDEBURNS!
She’s talking about why she hates the parachute (as you probably gathered from the title), which is funny because I always liked the parachute, but now she has me reconsidering. Or at least she’s helped me understand why it smells.
I’ll let her explain….
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MY KIDDO’S SOCCER COACH: Come on everyone, it’s Parents’ Day!! You guys get to play today too!!
And here’s what goes through my mind:
Are you F’ing kidding me? That is NOT parents’ day. Because the name “Parents’ Day” implies that it’s GOOD for parents, so if it were truly Parents’ Day, we could drop our little hooligans off and run home to take a poop alone or go to Tarjay all by ourselves and then pick up our rugrats later. Much later.
So let’s just call it what it is. Parents’ PARTICIPATION Day. And I pretty much call that UNparents’ Day because instead of getting to stand on the sidelines and chat with my friends (except for my one friend who’s desperately trying to get her kiddo to participate), today I’m supposed to go on the field and play soccer with the kiddos but pretend like I’m not very good at it because I’m not allowed to beat them.
Side note, once I actually kicked a goal against the toddlers and they all started to cry. That was embarrassing. And funny. But I digress.
Anyways, I trudge out there and start to play soccer, when suddenly the coach kicks all the balls away and pulls out a parachute. Ummmm, no. N-O. We are playing soccer. Not parachute. I mean you guys can play parachute if you want, but not me. Because here are ten reasons why I HATE going under the stoopid parachute:
1. Okay, here’s the thing, Mr. Soccer Coach. You get paid to do this. In fact, I think you enjoy it, which is awesome. But there’s a reason I’m paying YOU. And that’s so I DON’T have to do this shit.
2. Ahhhh, yes, let’s all sit in a sweatbox together? That sounds like fun! Because I’m no meteorologist, but twenty people crammed into a small confined space with zero air circulation is basically the same temperature and humidity as a man’s sweaty balls in Florida on a hot day.
3. You know what sucks? When the coach yells, “Okay, let’s go under!” and everyone ducks under the parachute and sits on it, but it doesn’t seal properly so it doesn’t puff up and it’s constantly falling on your head and the only way to keep it up is to extend your arms the entire time until they feel like they’re going to fall off.
4. Do you know what toddlers do? They poop. In their diapers. And suddenly the parachute turns into the poopachute and we’re all gasping for air as we sing Twinkle Twinkle faster and faster so we can get the F out of there.
5. And speaking of smells, sometimes Mommy has to fart when we’re under the parachute. Sad but true. So I can either hold it in for ten minutes and have a tummy ache the rest of the day or I can let it out slowly and quietly and watch the other mommies suffer while I also scrunch up my nose pretending I’m not the one who did it.
6. I have no problem singing to my kid… at night when no one else is listening and it’s the only thing that will get him to go the F to sleep because The Bachelor is about to begin and my wine is downstairs. Not under a rainbow dome where all of my friends can hear my crappy voice.
7. When I go anywhere there are other rugrats, I have one main goal. NOT to inhale their germs. Because there’s always one kid who has green boogers pouring out of his nose like Niagara Falls and when we’re under the parachute together I might as well just let him wipe his nose on my face.
8. Okay, we’re standing up again holding the parachute when suddenly the coach yells, “On the count of three, everyone let go!!” and suddenly my heart is racing because I can’t remember if I’m supposed to let go ON three or AFTER three and what if the parachute doesn’t fly away like it’s supposed to and it smothers the kids and everyone dies. Aggghhh, momentary panic attack!!
So that, my friends, is why going under the parachute sucks. And I know what you might be thinking. That I’m an a-hole mom for not wanting to spend that precious time with my kiddo. But A. I actually love spending time with him, just not under the parachute. And B. My son goes to school 2 hours a day 4 days a week, which means I have 160 hours to spend with him. Yes, one-six-zero. So I don’t think it’s too much to ask that the soccer coach take him off my hands for one measly hour and that they don’t make me go under the stinky parachute anymore.
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I Want My Epidural Back
Giveaway Rules:
Just tell me something you are supposed to like doing with your kids that you just DON’T in the comments below this post.
Congrats on your book, Karen!!!!
WINNER UPDATE:
Congrats, Anna K! Please contact abby@mommyshorts.com to claim your prize.
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Oh my goodness, my side hurts I’m laughing so hard! My daughter loves to hide under the covers. She is always saying, “lets hide, mommy!” We are always having to hide from Daddy, hide from Bubee (her brother), hide from the dog who lives down the street, etc. Anyway, like the parachute, hiding under the covers gets VERY warm and she is notorious for letting one go. She thinks it is hysterical and will start laughing while saying, ‘cuse me tootie toot.’ Thank goodness she is so stinking (pun intended at times) cute! 🙂
I hate taking my kids to the park. I always think that I’ll be able to sit and relax and watch them play but I always end up having to push one on the swings or lift the little one up and down off things so she doesn’t fall. I love the IDEA of going to the park but the actual execution is so hard!
Love this post and love Baby Sideburns!!
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. I am the worst at pretend. My characters always end up in some weird existential crisis that aggravates my four year old. Or with lame, let’s-get-this-over-with dialog.
As a kid, I was less into imaginative play than I was into collecting and sorting toys or playing board and video games. My kid, on the other hand, has a veritable host of imaginary friends with elaborate backstories. Please, child, let’s go bake something or do play-doh or paint. I don’t even care what sort of mess you want to make. Just please, for the love of muddy puddles, don’t force me to be Mummy Pig anymore…
I would have a panic attack leading up to “Parent’s Day,” just knowing what could be involved!
I with Lizzie B – I can’t stand imaginative play, either. Give me a puzzle, let’s play a board game, let’s even get messy with paints and glitter. I don’t know what to do or say with dolls/My Little Ponies/Shopkins other than dress them up or organize them.
I literally LOATHE having to do anything on the floor with my kids. When I have to sit on the floor, pretzel legs while in a circle at the zoo, girl scouts or at school I would rather sit my bottom on a mini kids chair and have the cheeks hang off than have my legs or china fall asleep.
I follow Karen on Facebook and find her funny but I was disappointed when I bought her first book. It was just like this article. Just a book full of lists of why she hates stuff. Sure it was funny at first but I don’t want to read an entire book of lists. I am pretty sure that is what her new book will be like.
eat with them. i used to judge parents who didn’t eat with their children (obviously when i was a judgemental non-parent) but now i understand. sometimes, i just want to eat in peace while not having to grab someone more water, or the other pink plate, or take someone poop and/or change a poopy diaper all in the span of the 10 minutes it takes for my children to not eat the food on their plates and eat off my plate instead. i love my kids, but sometimes i just want to eat in peace.
I love Karen’s Instagram and Facebook. Her first book is on my to-read list.
One thing I hate it playing outside and constinantly having to play ‘tag’. Anyone else? We have a swing set, sandbox and a mess of other things and all she wants is to run around for an hour while I chase her!
Bath time. It’s supposed to be relaxing sleepytime but I either have to bath them separate and have it take forever or toss them in together and almost break my arms trying to keep them from drowning one another. And it gets SO. WET. I’m not in the bath. I want to stay dry!
I agree with you x1000!!!!
My boys love playing puppy dogs. I love watching them play puppy dogs (where they literally just pretend they are puppy dogs.) But I really dislike when they ask me to play puppy dog with them. What adult wants to crawl around on my hands and knees on our hardwood floor while having to kneel down even further to pretend to drink water from the imaginary bowl.
Let me preface with my kids get very limited screen time, so when they do get it, to watch a show or movie or play a video game I don’t want to watch it with them. I don’t like most kid movies and the last thing I want to do is play Star Wars battlefront or minecraft.
If playing with my daughter involves the following- barbies, calico critters, or any little figurines… I want to go running for the hills! I am just bad at it and every time I do get sucked in, my daughter is quick to tell me I do everything wrong which doesn’t make the experience very enjoyable for either of us. Give me a coloring book or blocks to build with any day!
Teaching him to ride his bike… It hurts soooo much!
I hate to be the pony so she can ride me and be a cowgirl. I’m almost 40 and it is NOT comfortable to crawl around on the ground. I pawn it off on hubby as much as I can but he hates it too.
Oh how I hate playing school! I know that’s awful, but I always have to be the teacher…which means it’s Mommy making everything up! How did that happen?!
I have a 7-year-old daughter and a 21-month-old son. I too dislike playing pretend. I’m just not imaginative or creative enough for that. I prefer reading to my children, because reading is something that I actually enjoy. I also dislike doing anything messy with my kids, like messy craft projects involving paint or glitter. My daughter can play pretend with her friends and do art/craft projects at school.
P.S. I love Baby Sideburns! I think she’s hilarious! ?
homework-didnt I already graduate-especially when it is the new math-that makes simple tasks so much harder!!
I have two boys who have recently become tv addicts….to Transformers and I don’t really like watching tv in the first place. So, while daddy may enjoy time to sit on the couch with the boys and watch robots fight with each other, I could care less and often try to find something to clean.
Ok. I despise letting my toddler “help” me cook. Not only do I not want to eat whatever has been touched by her, I don’t blame others that don’t want to either. Yes, of course she washed her hands for twenty minutes until her entire shirt was soaked and needed changed; but no mater how long they are under that mildly warm running water. There are still things growing on her hands, I’m sure of it. So, while most mother daughter duos don their matching floral aprons… I leave her at daycare an extra half hour just to have dinner completely prepped before I bring her sticky fingered, love butt home. 🙂
I love taking my daughter to the park but I wish she would learn how to pump herself on the swings because I hate pushing her the entire time! She wants to swing all the time and I have to force her to go down the slide or play in the tunnel just to get a little break and enjoy watching her play!
Making meals for my sweet loving, picky winey little brats..err.. children, who love something one day and hate is the next time I make it, ugh!
We do the parachute at parent tot gymnastics. It is at the end of class and no body has shoes on. It smells like feet and that one smelly mom that really over exerted herself in class with a touch of hungover dad.
I hate playing with my son’s toys because he doesn’t want to share. He’ll ask me to play trains with him and then take all the trains from me except one. He also gives me his least favorite characters to be when we’re playing any game and if he doesn’t like how I’m playing then he’ll correct me and tell me how to play correctly. All of that from an almost 3 year old.
I’m responding on behalf of my husband, who is a stay-at-home-dad and musician: He is less-than enthused (I don’t think he would ever say the word hate) about playing song requests because all they want to hear are Disney songs or Elmo’s World! Personally, I think he could jazz it up and convert any of those tunes to rock and roll, but at this point is is just sick of it!
I hate playing pretend!
I hate playing “where’s Evan?” With my 4 year old.
(Peekaboo, but with a towel after a bath)
I know where you are. You know where you are. Let’s put on some damn pants.
There is only my music in the car. My daughter was walking around singing Green Day songs when she was 3. I’m driving. I’ve got to be happy. No Barney, no Raffi, no kidz bop while I’m driving. Seriously…….
I hate hate hate playing outside. I know my kid loves it and it is so good for him, but this mom was made for indoors. I would be more amenable to this if outside was air-conditioned, free of weird grass moisture, and not a place where my lily-white (indoor appropriate) skin didn’t fry like cheap bacon.
I’m not a fan of arts and crafts. I have to watch my son like a hawk to make sure the crayons stay on the paper, not the walls or table! Not a relaxing activity at all.
Crafts….I leave those to the grandparents and the teachers. Seriously, my house is messy enough and you just asked me to color and glue and glitter and tape sticks to random pieces of paper with you? In reality, I spend most of the time trying to make sure my kitchen table doesn’t get ruined.
Also, the blog says 10 reasons she hates the parachute but there are only 8!
I hate hair washing. It’s like a screaming death match.
Lately, I’m starting to dislike reading to my kids. Which sucks, because I *love* to read! But the 9 year old, who is supposed to be in bed listening quietly whilst being drugged to sleep by my awesome story – telling skills, instead remembers that she forgot to put her retainers in, climbs out of her loft and goes to the bathroom to get them, pets the cat on the way back, realizes that it’s not fair to pet one cat without petting the others (ensue search for cats), returns to her bed only to discover that she forgot one of her 49 animals that *must* be slept with on the couch, climbs down to go get it and by the time she gets back the story is over and she whines that she missed it all and “please Mommy, can’t we read another?”
*Meanwhile*, the 5 year old, who is supposed to be in bed listening quietly etc etc, instead gets up and taps me on the shoulder (because she’s not supposed to interrupt people – don’t you hate it when they listen but didn’t really get the point?!?), asks me if I remember the robin we saw on the way home from school, so I have to pause the story and answer her, then she trots off to bed, lies still for about 35 seconds, taps me on the shoulder again to tell me that she wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up, takes another 27 second break in bed, gets up and starts coloring, so I pause the story and remind her that it’s bedtime and not coloring time which generates a conversation about *when* she will be able to color again, climbs back into bed again after arguing about picking up the markers (it’s *bedtime*, not picking up time, Mom!), and by the time I finish the story she’s wide awake and joins in with her sister about having another story when she didn’t even listen to the first one!
I absolutely hate making lunch, it’s not that I’m denying my children food (nothing like that) it’s just always a battle, can’t they just figure it out on they’re own? 😛
I despise having to play Barbies with my daughter!!! She tells me what to say and wear as we role play with the various characters.
Bath time. I’ve never enjoyed bath time. Doesn’t matter if it’s a bath or a shower, both kids together or separate, it’s not something I enjoy. And I pawn it off on my husband as often as possible!
I hate playing house with my kiddos. I’ll run around and play tag or hide and seek, do puzzles, color, you name it. But I have to hold in a groan every time I hear “mommy, it’s your turn to be the baby”. I guess I should go with it and sleep all day ?
I love Baby Sideburns! I hate coloring with my two year old. Every time we start coloring she colors one line on the page then wants to change the page, or takes the color out of my hand that I’m using. I’m over here like wait just let me color the dang tree!
I am terrible at pretend dialogue with barbies! I run out of things for them to say or I get the current storylines mixed up and end up getting yelled at!
Piggy back rides. More like choke mommy and kick her in the sides.
I do not like arts & crafts! I am not an artistic person, and both my son and I end up getting frustrated that nothing turns out like it’s supposed to. I leave the crafty projects for babysitters.
Playing cars!!! My 4yo always wants to play crashing cars. It always ends up with me getting hurt. I hate it, but love him enough to do it almost daily.
Playgrounds! I live in FL so it’s HOT 95% of the year.
LOVE Baby Sideburns! Its a must I get her book…so I can pee in my britches & send her the dry cleaning bill! (Her words! Lol) So what activity do I hate doing with my children…that I totally should LOVE! School events in general. Totally awkward! I’m not at all sure why I find it super annoying….maybe because all of the granola moms make me feel totally inadequate as a mom! Ha! I’m pretty damn good if I must say so myself! But I have to say…going to class parties, etc., may make me second guess my wonderful parenting skills!! 🙂
I hate bathtime. Lately, my 3.5 year old flips his shit when it’s time for the bath. Like full-blown panic attack because he doesn’t want to get his hair wet. So much coercion to even get him in the tub, then consoling about his hair…and then after the hair is washed, he wants to stay in and play. The whole affair takes too much damn time and is exhausting (especially after a long day at work).
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bath time, i know it is supposed to this fun time of teaching them how to get clean and such but i hate giving my son baths
Bath time! I should like doing it cause my daughter loves it and it makes her happy but its hard to want to sit and watch her make a mess and soak you! Not to mention I’m so tired by this part of the day I’m just ready for bed
Baking. Which makes me feel horrid, because everyone says it’s the perfect activity to do with your kids. You get to spend time with them, you get to teach them math and science, etc etc. it stresses me out. So, I do the baking while they are otherwise busy, but then I let them decorate so they get to lick the frosting. 😉
Bedtime. I hate bedtime. We don’t read books or tell our highs and lows. Dinner takes my slow eaters WAY to long for things like that. It is 15 minutes of “put that away, don’t do that, yes you have to use toothpaste, you need to brush longer/better/faster than that, get in bed, yes I’ll get you water, you already went potty.”
Then the house is quiet and I can think again. Then it all starts again in the morning. ?
I absolutely hate playing kitchen with my daughter. I hate having to pretend to eat the fake food but what’s even worse is when it’s my turn to do the cooking and I have to pretend to cook and tell her what she’s eating.
I hate playing with “guys” (action figures). My son makes up rules to his pretend game which are unrealistic (“now throw superman at batman but make sure he lands on his feet”) which makes him so mad. It’s frustrating all around!
Btw…I love Baby Sideburns!!
I’m so relieved so many others hate pretend play! It my least favorite thing to play. I have no good scenarios, I have no distinct voices. Pretty soon my daughter is going to catch on and want the storyline to be something besides birthday party or dance party…
Bathing my kids. Don’t get me wrong- my kids are clean and have an acceptable level of hygiene (especially if we lived in Europe) but my oldest HATES water and bath time is such a battle to get him in… And then every single time he’s in he decides he likes it and wants to stay in for an hour. Sometimes I know I should face the battle but I just don’t have the energy left. So don’t look too close to my kids’ nails if we run in to each other, ok?
Hide and seek! Because I can’t really hide or they will never find me. And they hide in the exact same spot every time!
I can’t stand kids movies. I make my husband take them to see them at the theater, I just can’t handle it. The cheesy lines, the super predictable story lines, it’s too much.
Crafting. I’m out! It’s just not my thing. I’ve tried for 7 years to be crafty with my daughter; it doesn’t work. But now people know she’s crafty, so they give her crafty birthday presents. So……I still have to oversee the craftiness.
I hate going to the park. I love that my kids love it but can’t stand going there. Not exactly sure why, but my least favorite thing to do. So much so that my parents usually take my kids to the park. I’d much rather play in our yard and on our swing set.
I *hate* pretend play. The cornerstone of childhood, right? I’ll read books from sunrise to sunset, we can do arts and crafts together, I’ll watch your dance performances or dance with you, but please…please, for the love of God and all that is holy, do *not* ask “Will you play with me? Say her words!”
I love Baby Sideburns! But I hate bedtime. I know I should treasure the time with my 3 littles, but it’s torture! How hard is it to put on your pjs? My two 8s and my 5 take FOREVER! Brushing teeth is a fight. Washing hair is apparently the worst torture you can inflict on a child. Storytime? Who has time to read after all the yelling, begging, and tears (theirs, mine, and hubby’s)?!
Painting…my kids love to paint but I’m constantly making excuses on why we just can’t right now. It’s torture for me. It starts off ok..but shortly into it the whining and complaining start about how they can’t paint the bird they wanted to paint and now I’m over there trying to paint the bird they are imagining in their head and..well..it always ends in tears. Then it turns into a competition, “who can paint more pictures”, so they’ll start asking for a new paper after one drop of paint gets on the page. Not to forget how they get pain EVERYWHERE..even down the hall around the corner in a spot I can barley reach on my tippy toes. And lastly, they mix all the paint and everything starts turning a greenish, brownish, ugly-ish color..So brutal. Id rather spend 8hrs at the park pushing my kids on the swings.
So I know your supposed to read to your kids a lot, but I sometimes really despise it. If i let my child pick the book its always one of three titles (we have over 100 books) so I get reallllly bored reading her the same thing. She also like to talk and tell me the same things about the same three books every time. I know that the dang puppy has a spot on his belly. Oh and don’t get me started about when she wont sit still during story time. I know, bad bad bad parent.
As the mom of a boy, I’m supposed to love sitting on the floor and playing cars or guys. I don’t know how to play cars OR guys. Give me a Barbie or a coloring book ANY day!
It’s bad but I hate eating with my kids. I can’t stand hearing loud eating noises and my twins eat so loud. Foods that shouldn’t make noise, do. Music helps, the tv being on helps too. But some dinners I’m just set on edge by it. And then there’s the constant getting up and down. Mom’s meal always gets cold.
omg, me too! thankfully, when I explained it my daughter took it well and tries really hard to eat quietly now. haha
I am horrible at pretend play, like if I do it naturally i dont mind it but when I am put on the spot, my mind goes blank. hahaha and I am terrible at it because I cant think of what to do. lol I am also not a fab of running after her outside, specially when she wants me to do stunts and stuff, i feel pretty stupid. lol I guess, am too vain. lol
I pretend to enjoy pretend play…and I fail at even that. It is the worst!
For sure bath time. It is a struggle. It’s a slippery mess and I get all wet from it too. Can’t wait till he’s bathing himself lol
I hate play time! I don’t know what happened I use to love to play make believe as a child but for the life of me I just can’t do it anymore. My son will want me to play cars, like the talking Disney movie cars and I can’t possibly come up with anything to say except for my silent curse words. I give up in less then 5 minutes. That’s why we had a second child, hopefully they will play nice together.
I hate bath time! The only way I enjoy it is it I have time to get in with her for a bubble bath. I have never them as long as I can remember. Plus, babies don’t get that dirty every day, right? No harm in only giving her a bath once a week or less than that, right?
Sad. I know part of this is supposed to be funny. but it ((used to be)) that mothers didn’t use such nasty language- we were examples. Now it seems the young mother have NO filter at all. And your kids will be gone before a blink, or God forbid even sooner if tragedy strikes, so stop complaining and seize the moments. Seriously.