Jonathan Mann is a musician who writes and performs a new song on his YouTube channel every single day. Recently, he posted a catchy new jingle called “Shitty Shitty Feminist” which discussed his public desire to be a good feminist while also realizing his actions as a husband and father tell a different story.
Jonathan, who is a new dad, admits to putting the majority of the household responsibilities and childcare on his wife, who also *SHOCKER* has a job.
Ummm… I think I may have heard this song before. Or at least this story.
Not ever set to music though.
In his video, Mann covers a lot of same issues many “equal partners” face after they become parents. Whose job is the baby laundry? Who is doing the shopping? Whose turn is it to change a shitty diaper? Who gets to go out for drinks with friends while the other is tethered to the baby via her boob? (Don’t answer that last one.)
Mann admits letting most of these tasks fell to his wife (it was her responsibility while he had a choice whether to participate) and he didn’t even realize he was doing anything wrong until she called him out on it. GOOD FOR HER.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was the time Jonathan went for a run and then called home to ask his wife if he could see a movie after. She said yes (you know, to be the cool wife who doesn’t have her husband on a leash) but was resentful later.
I HAVE SO BEEN THERE.
They decided to balance the inequities by sitting down and mapping out every single task they had to do for both of their jobs, their baby and their shared household. Which sounds like an exercise that would make my brain explode, but how amazing for a couple to see where the gender barriers lie and try to knock ’em down.
Jonathan might be a shitty feminist but he’s a lot less shitty if he’s trying to make changes starting in his very own home.
Does this video resonate with you? Do you and your spouse say you’re equal partners but the real division of responsibilities is not as balanced as you would like?
I’d love to see that list of tasks or have someone make a generic one for our use!!
Love it. Totally resonated with me. His hike/movie thing reminds me of my husband playing softball every sunday then going out to eat afterwards with the team. it KILLED me. And I was at home with our infant. Then he’d come home and we’d have to go to my in-laws’ for dinner. Oh yeah, fun times for me. It was definitely hard for us when we had our first. We had plenty of fights and lots of discussions on the division of tasks. I remember pointing out to him that our daughter was 9 months old and he had NEVER given her a bath. Now she’s 9 and our son is 5. We’re much better about it, but I would say that most of it still falls on me. I’m still the one with the running to-do list in my head that I then have to “nag” him about. I think we might have to do that post-it wall. It’s a struggle, but we’re managing.
This is a great opportunity to recommend the book “Equally Shared Parenting” by Marc and Amy Vachon. I joke that this should be mandatory reading for all couples before the get married. The premise of the book is that a couple should evenly divide financial contribution (so no SAHM), child care, household duties, and personal (free) time. Certainly relying on no outside childcare help is unrealistic for most. The most valuable piece of this book is the LIST of household chores!
My husband will tell you that we are 60/40 – he knows it isn’t 50/50. When I feel like we have slipped to 70/30, I whip out this list and we talk about all of things I am managing unbeknownst to him and what tasks he can be taking off my plate. Highly recommend!
I wonder what this looks like, though, when earnings aren’t 50/50. My husband makes WAY more money than I do, so is it still reasonable to divide the work at home evenly?
I could’ve written this article 20 months ago but it would’ve read like a police statement. We struggled with this and it resulted in our longest ever sulk. We didn’t speak for two days. We grunted, mainly about who’s turn it was to do the 2am change and feed. It dawned on us that parenting is actually really hard work! And then we did the exact same thing the Mann family did. We sat down and spoke about it like two adults. I still don’t think it’s 50% down the middle (he’ll tell you otherwise) it’s more 35/65. And when our 2yr old cries out in the wee hours, it’s always for “Mammmma!” and as soon as I get to his side he’ll tell me “I want Daddy”. Which I don’t mind because in his eyes our roles are balanced and equal. And that’s all we want; to raise a balanced, well rounded individual who isn’t caught up on stereotypes.
So many props to this guy for 1) admitting there’s a problem and 2) actually being proactive in doing something about it. I’m fortunate in that my husband is a stay-at-home-dad and has specific tasks that are part of his job while I’m at work (childcare, laundry, cooking dinner). But despite that, it was really hard at the beginning to be even. Because I nursed at night, my son was used to me being the one to comfort him if he woke up, way past the point of nursing.
What women hasn’t been there??? My husband didn’t get it, hence, he’s now my ex husband (for that and many other reasons and he was a shitty father to my kids). Thank god my kids are grown up and their dad is at least a good grampa.