There’s a reason most Great American Novels aren’t written about parents. We’re boring, child-focused and we don’t have time to read books anyway. The greatest books are usually coming of age stories. Most moms are… how do I put this lightly? Already OF AGE.
But let’s pretend a mom rewrote all your favorite books and put herself as the main character. Would you find time to read them then? Maybe. But I imagine they wouldn’t get optioned for any movies.
11 of your favorite books if they were rewritten by and about Moms:
50 Shades of Purple Crayons
The story of one finicky toddler and her jumbo box of 96 Crayolas; will she select blue-violet? Will lavender strike her fancy? Will she have an epic meltdown because none of the purples are purpley enough? Only one thing is certain: they’re all going to end up broken.
The “I’m Not Hungry” Games
Set in a future where Moms can predict if their children will be cranky around lunch time. Favorite foods are offered and systematically rejected. Moms are left to wonder, “Is he truly not hungry, or is he just in a hurry to get to the park?” You’ll have to read to the end to find out which Moms remember to bring an emergency snack in her purse!
Of Lice and Men
In this raw, deeply emotional classic about the bonds of close relationships, a marriage is tested when a lice-alert note is sent home from school. Through the trials of nit-picking and sealing cherished stuffed animals inside plastic bags, we’ll discover whether one couple’s love can withstand the pressure of having their child labeled “the dirty kid” at school. Will they choose the right shampoo? Hire a professional? Or shave off all their children’s hair for good.
The Fault In Our Stairs
Stories. Kisses. Monster spray. All the drama of bedtime unfolds as one family navigates through a life in which, due to a noisy floorboard, it becomes nearly impossible to put the children to bed without waking them up again on the way back downstairs.
A Tale of Two Kitties
What starts out as a heartwarming trip to the animal shelter to adopt a new pet quickly turns into a nightmare. Will the children ever agree on which adorable fur ball to bring home? Do the parents find a non-soul-crushing way to explain what happens to the pets they don’t adopt? Will they be sorry they agreed to this in the first place? SPOILERS: Eventually, no way, and absolutely.
Literally Gone With the Wind
Not to be confused with the epic historical novel of a similar name, this quick read contains a list of things that can literally get blown away and, as a result, make your toddler freak the freak out. From Mylar balloons to beach balls, bubbles to box kites, this is a fascinating study of your child’s irrational attachment to inanimate objects.
The Girl With the Temporary Tattoo
Read the chilling tale of a mother who dared to allow her toddler to get a novelty tattoo on her face three days before a family friend’s wedding, and share her tearful defeat as she eventually negotiates an entire bag of M&Ms in exchange for removal of the ink prior to the formal event.
All the Legos We Cannot See
Up until now, this mom’s life had been relatively uneventful. However, one night she encounters a dangerous object, which changes the tender landscape of the underside of her foot forever. Can she limp out of her kid’s dark, messy bedroom without further damage? Are there more painful discoveries in the carpet ahead of her? Almost certainly.
Anne of Green Vegetables
A spunky young girl is sent to her room because she refuses to try her mom’s broccoli casserole, resulting in a tantrum heard throughout the neighborhood. Will Mom stick to her guns and make Anne go to bed hungry? Or will she relent and open a box of mac-n-cheese? Whatever her choice, the entire neighborhood is waiting to judge her decision.
Tuesdays With Mom and Me
In an effort to escape the house once a week, a new mom signs up for a parent-baby music class. Join her as she learns the sad truth: she just paid $120 for a weekly migraine caused by her baby banging loudly on things, which she could’ve done for free at home in her PJs.
This post was written by Robyn Welling from Hollow Tree Ventures.
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