Parenting is unpredictable. Things you think will be huge issues go over without a peep and things you think will be of no consequence whatsoever turn your whole house upside down. Transitioning the girls from a bed and a crib on opposite sides of the room to shared bunkbeds falls into the latter category.
It’s not that I didn’t think there would be issues. Transitioning Mazzy from a crib to a toddler bed was an absolute nightmare, so I shouldn’t expect anything less from Harlow— especially since she was pretty content in her crib and probably wasn’t ready to give it up.
Also, let’s be clear. I still believe bunkbeds is absolutely the right decision for the room (check out the room makeover here). It’s a huge space saver, it looks great and the girls love it. Maybe if the room was the size of Beyonce’s nursery, I would choose separate beds. Or if the girls had separate rooms entirely, that would be better. But neither of those are really an option.
A lot of people have asked if it is a pain to make the bunkbed and change the sheets. The answer is yes. But it’s not that big of a deal because a) Harlow is a tiny little person and just pulls back the corner of the covers to get in bed. To make Harlow’s bed in the morning, you just pull that little corner back up. And b) Mazzy doesn’t like using covers. I thought this would change once we gave her a real bed with a fluffy duvet, but no. She prefers to sleep on top of the covers; therefore her bed is made even when she is sleeping in it. Unless there is some kind of accident (in which case, I’m like— just get in my bed and we’ll deal with it in the morning), we only have to fully make-up the beds when we wash the sheets about once a week.
Others have inquired about the danger factor. Does Harlow climb up? Does Mazzy try to jump off? We have not found this to be an issue. Harlow got competent at the ladder after one day and then lost interest. I don’t think she’s ever gone up when an adult wasn’t in the room. Mazzy is a pretty cautious kid and has never tried to jump.
Getting up in the mornings has been much better too. Since the switch, the kids wake up later. I don’t know why, they just do. And these are kids who woke up between 5:30 and 6am for the past five years. Now, they get up at a very heavenly 7am.
Mazzy’s dresser, which you might remember is behind the bunkbed in it’s own little nook, has been a blessing as well. In the old room, the girls shared a dresser and their clothes were often all mixed up. Now, Mazzy will wake up and change herself before leaving her room. This is awesome, except that it means she puts together some truly horrific outfits— but I’ll take budding independence over innate fashion sense any day of the week.
The area that has fallen completely to shit is our bedtime routine.
In the olden days (i.e. the days when Harlow was still in her crib and Mazzy was sleeping only a couple feet off the ground), they would brush their teeth, I’d read them both a book in the glider chair, and then I’d turn out the lights. Mazzy would get into bed and I’d hold Harlow as we’d all sing a bedtime song together in the dark. On the last line of the song, I’d lay Harlow in her crib. Then I’d usually sit back in the glider and chat with them a little while they were both in their beds. Sometimes we’d tell each other the best part of our day, sometimes we’d exchange jokes, sometimes I’d make up a story— this portion of bedtime routine has changed many times throughout the years, depending on request. When it was over, I’d say goodnight and leave the room, both girls sleepy and content, usually whispering “I love you, Mommy” on my way out.
It was a little magical and I prided myself on all my hard work (sleep training, etc.) to get to that magic.
What I didn’t realize is that my time in the glider chair was key to the whole going to bed process— namely, because the glider was in the middle, belonging to neither of them. It was Switzerland. So I could sit there and talk or rest and they could quietly zone out until I left.
Now, if they want me to stay in the room after books, I must choose between lying in the top bunk and the bottom bunk. This is like choosing which parent to live with after a divorce— you can’t win. I almost always choose the bottom because Harlow would FREAK THE F*&K OUT if I chose otherwise, and that always seems unfair to Mazzy. As a result, Mazzy often wants to stay with us in the bottom bed, which just means that everybody is up and nobody is relaxing AT ALL. In fact, Harlow (particular little person that she is), usually gets annoyed if Mazzy is crowding her in bed after she believes her big sister’s bottom bunk time is up.
I’ve tried letting the two of them sleep in the bottom bunk together (it’s way less crowded once I leave), but that seems to mean they will play forever and ever and ever until I finally come back in and demand Mazzy go up to the top. Mazzy will often complain that she is “too tired” to go to the top which is is a total crock because then she will sing and play and wreak havoc for the next two hours if I let her stay on the bottom.
Harlow, as much as she loves getting in her bed, throws an absolute fit whenever I say it’s time for me to leave. Usually I’ll try to appease her by lying there for a few minutes, but as any parent can tell you, five minutes is met with demands for five more minutes and even if you’ve been in there for 45 minutes, it is never enough.
At the very least, it has not occurred to Harlow yet that she can get out of the bed on her own, so, for the past few weeks, Harlow has been screaming bloody murder every night when I finally leave them both on their own. First for me, then for Daddy when that doesn’t work. Then Mazzy starts screaming that Harlow wants us, which we can plainly hear and it all snowballs from there. Requests for water, one more hug, a lost stuffed animal, etc. etc. etc. from both kids. And Mike and I are both guilty of being incredibly inconsistent in what we are willing or not willing to do once lights are out.
A lesson I thought we learned a long time ago but apparently need to be taught again.
I know the answer is to just cut them both off completely. Read my book and get the hell out of there, no matter what they do.
But I always liked that time in the glider, playing Switzerland, relaxing and talking to my girls at the end of the day as they drifted off to sleep on either side of me, safe in the comfort of their own beds.
Transitioning is hard. For everyone.
Can you sit on Mazzy’s chair? Not as cozy as your glider but maybe that will help? or the floor? :-/
I appreciate your honesty in your transition to the bed & crib to the bunk beds. It’s def something for parents to consider.
The bedroom does look great tho
Not sure if this will work, but try reading and chatty time in another neutral location, like the sofa or your bed. Then, when times up, they both get into their own beds at the same time. You can say goodnight and run!
Hi – when we went through a very similar transition a few years back, I made story time “floor time” like at school – both kids sit on the floor in front of me,. or I sit with them and we snuggle while I read. Then, we have “underbed” (as they have ikea loft beds) time, where they can play quietly or read or whatever, on their own, for 5 min. Then, I (or Dad) tuck them in, kisses all around, and lights out. Not perfect, but better than the evil bedtime game kids will play. Good luck!
Maybe just use a chair or stool and sit next the desks after book time? Then you’re still in the room and not in either bed, but they can both see you and you are facing them both. I’m sure it won’t be as comfortable as the glider but might be similar effect.
Bed changing sure is a kick in the pants. We transitioned a couple months ago from a toddler bed to a loft bed- also to save space since we can use the area under it. My toddler was sleeping in his room fine but now he “needs” me in there to fall asleep. I end up standing next to his bed, or sitting on a stool and not talking until he falls asleep. It’s effective but it’s a pain in the butt.
We ran into this problem (not the bunks but the shared room) when we finally moved the kids together in a shared room. Warren was ALWAYS so easy to get to sleep (except for about three months when he was first exerting his independence anyway), and then transitioning to the toddler bed was super easy too. But the minute we put two kids in one room bedtime went to hell. So what I finally started doing was putting the kids down in 15 minute increments. Elie goes down at 6:30, Liam at 6:45, B at 7 and Warren at 7:15 (before you start wondering why so early, we also have to get up at 4:30 each morning…).
That allows for each kid to have some mommy alone time at night – allows the younger sibling to have enough time to fall asleep (usually) so the older one doesn’t wake them up, and then (usually) they’re all slumbering beautifully by 7:30 or 8!
We’ve thought about switching the boys to bunks to save space, but with Liam’s instability, I’m scared to death to try it. Your post has given me the opportunity to reevaluate that idea and nix it completely! 🙂
Not being able to snuggle in the top bunk is a pain in the proverbial when you switch beds and one I never took into account when we put our eldest in a loft bed in order to store all his wordly goods underneath and move his baby brother into the remaining space. We have a 5 yr gap between the boys so our issues are different, but the snuggling up one is the same! We resolved it by doing big kid stories in our bed while the baby goes to sleep. He still gets his one on one with both parents – Daddy while I put our daughter down, me after – fitting in Mummy time with each kid. He tries it on with us for sure, more cuddles, headstrokes, a drink, etc. But once he’s out our room he knows that’s that. I see other people suggested it too, it works for us – at the moment…. I’m encouraged to see others do the same.
My boys (6 and 2) have separate rooms, so in order to prevent the argument over which parent puts which kid to bed (assuming both of us are home! If not, that’s a whole ‘nother ballgame) we sit on the couch in the den for a book and chat. Then we still each take 1 boy to his room, but this way they get some together time as part of their bedtime routine. We have been considering bunk beds in order to gain back a guest room, but now I’m not so sure we are ready for that!
Best of luck!
We have assigned days of the week for EVERYTHING. Super structured, but saves a lot of arguing and tears. One kid is M/W/F, the other is T/Th/sat. Sunday is mama’s turn. This applies to choosing morning tv show, songs in the car, and, who lays down with whom first. Maybe they can have that kind of schedule and you are in Mazzy’s bed on Mazzy’s days and Harlow’s bed on Harlow’s days?
I have 2 girls of similar ages – they share a room but with 2 separate twin size beds. Still, we don’t have a “Switzerland” for me either, so I totally get this! I will tell you what I do, not sure if it would help at all. The key for me is that my 2 year old doesn’t nap. I know that’s controversial, but it had to be done because however long she naps during the day, that is the amount she is up in the middle of the night. Honestly, I had to get rid of her naps before she turned 2 because she was literally up for 2-5 hours EVERY SINGLE NIGHT in the middle of the night. It goes against all those magic sleep whsiperers, but the reality is, she just CAN’T nap. She likes to nap. Sometimes she sneaks a nap in the car. I can always tell because those nights are harder.
Anyway, I digress. Because she doesn’t nap, she goes to sleep before my 4 year old. So, while they both get their jammies, books, and bedtime snacks at one time, they get bedtimes separated which helps with them each feeling like they get special mommy time.
My 2 year old drinks her milk, brushes teeth, goes pee pee, gets night time diaper, and I hold her and sing her songs – all while 4 year old either plays quietly in her bed, or sits on the couch with daddy. My 2 year old falls asleep while I am singing to her, since she doesn’t nap. I put her in her bed, then I tend to the 4 year old.
At that point, the 4 year old gets her teeth brushed and goes pee pee. We sit in her bed together, tell stories, etc. I actually stay with her until she falls asleep because I don’t want her waking up her sister. This is not ideal for me, but I am just dealing with it for now.
My 4 year old also often wakes up earlier than my 2 year old – sometimes a whole hour earlier. My 4 year old has very low sleep needs, though – I seriously tried all the sleep training with her and nothing worked so now I just have decided to be more relaxed as it works out best for the family.
Anyway, this has been working well for the past few months since we dropped my 2 year old’s nap. But, we are moving to a house next month, and they will have separate rooms! I hope that doesn’t stir things up too much!
Good luck!
This is good to read!
Our boys are sharing their room (3.5 years and 19 months old) and the bedtime routine isn’t very smooth, as it is. I put some of that blame on my husband, though; he always gives in to “one more story.” Anyway, the younger is still in his crib and will be until he starts climbing out; the elder currently sleeps in his tent, as it’s much more awesome than a mere mattress, obviously. We have always planned on bunk beds for them, so I was excited to see you transition the girls to theirs and was equally excited to see this follow-up. Definitely things to ponder!
We transitioned to bunk beds in September. It took awhile, but we just had to create a new routine, and I made expectations very clear with my boys. We do bedtime stories on the couch, they climb into their beds. I climb up and kiss and hug one, climb down and kiss and hug the other, say prayers, go to sleep. Sometimes, I do stay and chat. If you want to do that, I highly recommend a bean bag chair. My boys have one, it’s my “Switzerland”. I’ll plop down in it to chat or sing a song. Then, it can be stowed away somewhere. The biggest challenge was repeating to them my expectations every night before bedtime began. Once that was clearly outlined several times before bedtime, they got it. Your girls will too!
Bring the glider back!!
Similar experience moving our girls into the same room (and the 20 month old into a bed from a crib). The now-almost-2 year old screams everynight when I leave the room and the 5 year old has started singing her extra songs! It works like a charm. The older one sings her 2 songs and they both seem to fall asleep in their own beds.
Now if only I could get that 7am sleep thing happening!
Great read. I actually laughed out loud when I saw the Facebook post. Parenting is rough isn’t it? Just when you get comfortable with one phase, another one is around the corner. You’ll find a new normal and I’m sure you’ll love that too.
Great article. We put my 17 month old’s cot in with my 4 yr old about 3 months ago and will also move to bunks in a year or so. While our 4 yr old goes to sleep on her own, the baby doesn’t. So we have to sit beside his cot in the dark, for between 30 mins to 90 mins, singing songs, holding his hand, telling long stories etc. He eventually falls asleep and I go over and kiss my 4 yr old and leave. My husband and I take turns as it basically wipes out your evening apart from hanging out washing and paying a few bills. We keep telling ourselves that it won’t be like this forever but at the moment, it’s a severe hamper on your time together. It’s great to hear that other parents are also sitting there in the dark. It’s not just us!!!!
This is sweet. It is hard, but I believe in you, Illana.
Sorry, didn’t read through all the comments so not sure if mentioned yet, but wondering if the issue isn’t so much the “Switzerland” issue as Harlow being anxious in the new bed situation and reacting in the only way she knows how? As if you are always joining her on the bottom (and hello – no matter which kid was on the bottom, that is where I would be choosing, lol) she has no need to worry about things not being “fair”; and it sounds like she is having the harder transition with you leaving than Mazzy is, even though you aren’t on Mazzy’s bed. If Mazzy was the one calling and asking I’d think, OK, sure, it’s because you lost the glider. But with you being in Harlow’s bed, then leaving, I think it is maybe her not wanting to be alone in the bed. I get you can’t live there and Mazzy can’t stay with her or they don’t sleep, but maybe there is a special toy or stuffie you could go with her to pick out, as her special Nighttime friend, that is special to her BUT she ONLY gets it when you leave the room at night so would help with that transition?
Have a DS that is a few month younger than Harlow and I have been contemplating moving him to a big boy bed and this post and a few others have given me a bunch of wonderful ideas on how to make this transition a much smoother process. Let hope these ideas work as well in practice for me as they did for others.
A question entirely for my own personal interest: do the girls also share a room at your other home? Is Harlow still in a crib there? If they don’t share, do the bedtime woes carry over there, too? Just curious, as our 1 and 4 year old share but I have been seriously contemplating converting the playroom back to a bedroom (#1stworldproblems) and splitting them up since for us, the cons of sharing outweigh the cons.
[…] And that’s just the mornings. You remember what our evenings are like, right? Also a shit show. […]
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