When Responsibility.org first approached me about working together, I thought my kids (and probably the kids of most of my readers) were too young, since their programs center on alcohol responsibility.
But after talking with them, I realized Responsibility.org‘s goal is to help parents model positive behavior to promote good decision making in their kids, so when discussions about peer pressure and underage drinking come up, they’re already one step ahead. They want parents of young kids to start a lifetime of honest and positive conversations around tough topics.
Mazzy is five and just starting to talk to me about serious stuff. What qualifies as serious? Mainly issues that are popping up around relationships with her friends. Someone ignoring her on the bus, not having a partner during music class because her two closest friends teamed up with each other or a classmate calling her out as being greedy, when she didn’t know what that meant.
I’m happy she is coming to me with this stuff, because I can tell she’s a little hesitant about bringing it up and is thinking extra hard about how to explain these new dynamics. My main objective is always to approach these conversations in a way that is beneficial and comforting to her, since I obviously want to continue to be her source for a combination of support, love and good advice.
We’ve also talked about kissing because she has a “boyfriend” and I wanted her to know that physical affection is usually reserved for family and very special people. This is a tricky one because as a parent you have to find the balance between setting restrictions and making something sound too forbidden, because that could increase her interest and at the same time, make it something she’ll think she has to do in secret.
It’s actually very similar to how you have to think about alcohol— something she sees her parents drink on occasion but also knows is off limits to her. I don’t think she’s ever thought about why. She probably puts wine in the same category as coffee and hasn’t given it much thought beyond that, but maybe keeping her in the dark about the effects of alcohol isn’t the best strategy going forward.
In any case, I’m learning and willing to listen to an organization that can give me tips on how to start these conversations and approach them when they come up on their own. I believe tips on becoming a trusted source and confidant for your kids will help with every tough topic— bullying, sex, drinking, racism, sexuality, gun control and everything else that parents have a responsibility to discuss with their kids at some point before they make big decisions for themselves.
One of the most important gateways to having important conversations with your kids is recognizing when and where these conversations are most likely to take place. For us, there are two times we are one-on-one and Mazzy seems to open up. The first is en route to school. We take the public bus together every morning and when their aren’t other kids from school riding along with us, we have a solid 20 minutes of one-on-one time.
The other time is more intimate and the time when she usually brings up things that upset her during the day. That’s right before bed. I have a sneaking suspicion this is because she knows if she brings something upsetting up, I will be less likely to leave the room. It’s a bedtime stalling tactic, for sure. But it doesn’t matter to me if she’s being manipulative, because it’s still her confiding in me and it gives me the opportunity to say the right thing so she’ll come to me again.
From my discussions with other parents, it seems many of them have different times of day when they have real conversations with their kids. Some have said it happens over dinner time, some in the carpool from school to soccer practice and sometimes things come up at totally random times of day, like if you happen to pass a protest on the street— something that happened to Mazzy and I recently.
Today, I am looking for four moms or dads to feature in a series about talking early. We’ll send a photographer to your town to photograph you in a one-on-one moment you have with your child— like before bed or on the drive home from school. I’ll interview the participants about conversations that have come up and how they handle them, and then Responsibility.org will give tips on how to take advantage of these moments, how to bring up serious topics and how to answer uncomfortable questions, especially when it pertains to alcohol.
To enter, just leave a comment below with the ages of your kids (5 and up only), your home town and the time of day (bedtime, dinner, drive home from school, etc.) you are most likely to have a serious conversation with your child. If you’d like to include the topics that have come up so far or what you are most worried about addressing, I think that could lead to some interesting discussions.
My hope is that by the end of the series we will all have a better understanding on how to set ourselves up to be the person our children come to when they have something serious on their minds.
And when they do, we will have a much better idea of how to handle it right.
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This post was sponsored by Responsibility.org but all thoughts and opinions are my own.
I saw a quote once that said something along the lines of, “Listen to the little stuff now or else they won’t confide in you later about the big stuff. Because, to them, it has always been big stuff.” I think it’s so true and this post really highlights the importance of building that foundation.
I have two boys 5 and 2. My five-year-old, Graham, and I often have serious conversations before bedtime, or sitting on the couch at night relaxing watching TV or playing. One serious conversation we have is about death. Specifically, about me or his daddy dying. We live in Arlington Va.
I’m a School counselor and I have tough conversations with families every day… But nothing is the same as talking to your own children about difficult stuff and what hurts the heart.
My daughter is 6, we have some deep conversations on the way to and from school but every night before bed she asks to “love and hug.” It’s at this time that I ask her 3 questions, What made you sad today? What made you happy? And what did you learn? We have the usual “best friend” drama but one of her good friends is going to have a little sister and that has lead to a lot of questions. Also a lot of startling plans on her part about how many kids she will have if any and who she will be marrying. Things I don’t care to contemplate at this age! I worry about keeping this communication open between us, I can’t wait to see what this series has in store.
My oldest is 6 (almost 7), and I have two younger kids (3 and 2), so we have just started our journey into deep talks, and a lot of those conversations fall to me because she’s a girl and I’m the mom, and it’s more natural to have “girl talk.” One time, a couple of years ago, I told her she could ask me anything, and a lot of bedtime conversations have stemmed from that. Bedtime is a good time to talk because the rest of the day, it’s hard to get away from the noise and chaos with the younger two. We also get the chance to talk during our once-a-week drive to her evening dance class (the littles stay home with dad). Sometimes it’s easier for my daughter to open up to me in the car because I’m not looking directly at her while driving, so she doesn’t feel “on the spot” when she talks about her day or takes me up on my “ask me anything” offer. The best thing about these talks is that I can offer her a clear idea of what our values are and how they relate to the world she experiences, how she can apply our values to what she sees and hears, and reject the things that don’t fit in with them. It helps her to process the things she hears and overhears from friends, adults, the media… Like when Brittany Maynard committed assisted suicide, my sweet little girl thought that if anybody had
I have four kids – boys ages 13, 9, and 7; and a daughter, age 11. Most discussion topics for my 13-year-old come from reviewing text messages or Instagram photos on his phone at any time or place. These become the seeds of conversation: “what does this mean?” or “how did this make you feel?”. We’ve talked about tone in a conversation, unintended innuendoes, starting to date, sexual orientation, hygiene, cutting(!!), you name it. Social media is a window into his world. It’s challenging to keep up with, but necessary as he gains more and more independence.
For my 11 year-old daughter, we talk mostly in her room – away from her brothers. We’ve recently discussed puberty in advance of the maturation video shown at school. I ask lots of questions about her friends to get her talking, and then we talk about how to handle situations that arise from those friendships. She’s at the age where things are starting to be dramatic and hyperbole-laden. I try to keep things in perspective for her. She’s an avid reader, so often times, I’ll bring in a relevant, age-appropriate book on the subject.
My younger boys – ages 9 and 7 – are fueled by curiosity and what others are doing, whether it’s good or bad. Our teaching moments mostly happen when they are interacting with other kids – the neighbors, teammates, unknown kids at the pool – and how best to handle those interactions. They are still young enough to enjoy getting tucked in at night, so follow-up conversations often occur bedside reflecting on the day’s events.
I’m a firm believer in opening dialogues between myself and my kids. I want them to be comfortable coming to me with questions or concerns so together, we can work through those things in a way that reflects our family’s values. I’d love to help with your project. My kids certainly provide a wide range of topics!
cancer, they would be killed by their doctors! Poor thing freaked out! I set her mind at ease and told her that Brittany made a choice, we evaluated the virtue of that choice, and I reassured her that cancer patients aren’t euthanized. A friend had told her about the case, and I had to steer her to the correct information. That’s why these conversations are so important!
(Sorry my last post got cut off)
I have a 7 year old and a 10 month old boys. We talk mostly in the car or at supper. We do try to talk about issues right after it happens so he can connect them together more. Our big topic right now is bullying – what is bullying behavior, how stop it, what to do if he is bullied, how to help friends who are bullied. Also how to help people who are bullied feel better. We have covered topics from health issues (uncle has MD) to death (lost great grandpa last year), from behavior to trying his best. Acceptable behavior is a big topic for us as our 7 year old has ADHD. We are located in Omaha, NE.
I have a 10 year old son and live in Land O Lakes, Fl. We have our one on one time to and from baseball practice. We have talked about homosexuality, hand gestures, relationships, boy issues,etc.
I just wanted to weigh in on some personal experience. My step son is 10 and this month we had to have some really really REAL conversations with him. His 3 year old sister (my daughter) was sexually assaulted by her 12 year old cousin who is also one of his best friends. My husband and I have found that after dinner when I’m getting our younger two ready for bed is a good time to have some heart to hearts. We told him the age appropriate version of what happened and let him approach with questions as they come up. The hardest part has been the “why” of this for him. Since that’s a question that adults have the hardest time with we have had to just be honest and say “I don’t know” more than once. It’s ok to not have all the answers and sometimes. So long as they know we are doing our best to protect them and we are there to answer any questions they may have (I’ve promised to answer everything I can and do my best to not make it weird haha). He is still having a hard time but he knows he has two moms and a dad he can come to with any questions that he has. Just a heads up also that good touch/bad touch conversations can never happen too early. You always think it will happen to someone else….
My daughter will soon be 11, and we’ve covered many things, but sometimes it’s still so hard! I’ve always tried to avoid fear tactics (don’t talk to strangers or a bad person might steal you!) but feel that some of these topics might get blown off because of a lack of intensity. Some topics I’ve tried to cover are probably fluff to her because we’ve rarely/never actually had a related scenario (we live in a small town, Portales, NM, where the diversity of people, events, etc. is sometimes limiting for real world examples). Most recently we did cover alcohol, thanks to a national news story involving a near-death alcohol experience with kids not much older than her! Did I handle it right, I wonder? This project of yours may help me to know! Our biggest concern right now is a mix of internet safety and sex ed, because unfortunately any web experience can turn x-rated these days. We usually start on the car ride from the bus, and continue during dinner prep, before dad gets home (just her comfort zone right now).
Looking forward to the results of this!
My son will be 5 June 12th and we have so many tough things to talk about. I am a young, 33 year old, breast cancer survivor and although in the past we’ve explained to him that “mommy is/was sick” and had cancer – as that was all his sweet little brain could understand at the time. He’s getting older, and now that he’s asking about death much more and asking for a sibling (which I wouldn’t be able to carry myself) I wonder if now isn’t the right time to really explain to him what went on with me and what the future could (but holy moly we hope it doesn’t) hold.
We’re in Scottsdale, Arizona and our talking time is usually in the morning or after school.
I would love to get some advice on how to talk about this with my little one – even if we are not a selected family.
I have a 5 year old and 2.5 year old twins. We are a mixed race family. My husband’s job has had us transferred from Honolulu, where mixed race families and children are the norm, to Eugene, Oregon, where it’s very uncommon to see mixed families and bi-racial children. The 5 year old is in half day kindergarten right now, and when he gets home from school we take time to unwind and talk about what is on his mind. Recently, it’s been questions about things like Mama being one color and Daddy another, so what does that make him ? This week he came home and told me ” *Will* says I can’t sit with him anymore because he’s a white boy and I’m a brown boy. Mama, why am I a brown boy?” It’s a tough subject, and sometimes I’m at a loss for answers, but taking and working through these things makes us a stronger family.
I have a 6 year old son Jack. He is very curious and in a cause and effect stage where he wants to know what happens if…
He tends to open up best on the walk home from the bus stop. He talks about his friend fun or troubles at school and tends to ask what certain words mean.
When tough subjects come up, we tend to be very comforting but matter of fact with our kids. I want to protect them but also do not want them naive to a situation.
I have 2 boys (almost 10 and 13.5). We live in Omaha, NE. I’ve been talking with my boys about anything and everything since they were young. I think getting to them at an early age encourages them to continue to bring up topics with you as they get older because it’s just a natural conversation by then.
My oldest son (he’s more sensitive than my younger one) prefers talking at night before bedtime – I think as a way of allowing his brain to settle for the night – and occasionally during car rides as long as little brother isn’t with us. My youngest just asks questions or wants to discuss things whenever something comes up. He’s more laid back and open about his questions/concerns.
Nebraska is a conservative state (I grew up in South Jersey, so I feel it’s very different than how I was raised). I have covered all sorts of topics with the boys: divorce, gay marriage, sex, politics, drugs/drinking, bullying, human rights, helping my oldest navigate peer pressure to have a girlfriend, etc. I feel it’s my job to answer things openly and honestly with them. My in laws are super conservative, my husband somewhat less, and I’m very liberal and we have disagreeing views on certain matters, which in turn provides for interesting conversations with my boys! Lol
I think this article is a great idea. As much as I enjoy the conversations with my boys, there are a lot of topics that are difficult to start and I’m looking forward to tips on how to handle them!
Well I am actually writing for both my mom and myself, my sister is 13 years old and is in 8th grade. We live in Pico Rivera,Ca which is a predominately Hispanic neighborhood. My sister has come to me many times and as an older sister (26) I would love to help her. To be honest, I was brought up in private school and so I was very much sheltered from many of the issues that come up at her public school. She has come to me with the issues of bullying and her being shoved, friend rivalry, and so on. She trusts that I will listen and give her advice when in reality, I don’t know what advice to give. I would like Responsibility to help me and my mom . Help us in helping her. We want to guide her and inform her but lack the skills. She is a sweet loving girland I want her to be prepared. She tends to talk to me after school. My mom works 3am-230pm as a bookkeeper . So she usually takes a nap after she picks up my sister.mduring her nap is when my sister shares the most with me which is our one on one time
Hold up…Mazzy has a BOYFRIEND???!!! I couldn’t hardly read the rest of your post because I was too caught up in that one line!
My daughter is 6, in kindergarten, and we live in Bear, Delaware. We tend to talk on walks through our neighborhood after school or on weekends, like our long walk last Sunday afternoon. Since my husband died almost 4 years ago, I’ve had many conversations with her that I never would have imagined having with a young child. She understands her daddy died because his heart stopped working (he had a sudden massive heart attack at 32). We talk a lot about how much Daddy loved us and how we miss and still love him. We talk about how there are different kinds of families. She’s very close with all 4 of her grandparents (my parents and Mike’s parents). I try to be honest with her and sometimes my answer to her questions is, “I don’t know.” I hope that the open talks we have now will continue as she grows older and the topics change. I am very interested in this project and learning how other families communicate.
Three girls and a boy
11, 9, 4 & 6 months
Livingston, Montana
Serious topics come up in the car on the way to the store, and at bedtime.
I have a 4.5 year old and a 3 month old. My 4.5 year old seems to be opening his eyes to the many wonders of the world. We have had more tough conversations early on with them than I anticipated. Both dad and I have suffered from addiction (pre kiddo), so it is SO important to me to do my best to prevent this from happening to our kiddo. I think the most important thing is that we talk about it. He has started asking things like Mazzy about “why doesn’t so and so play with me” and “why doesn’t so and so like me”, but he is also starting to notice dad drink a beer, or mom a glass of champagne. I think it would be a disservice to both my kids not to have an open relationship. Our most cherished time that we have those conversations is on the way home from school, and before bedtime. He is also a bedtime staller, but sometimes I secretly enjoy it. I hope he always feels safe enough to come to me.