Two weeks ago, I went up against Winter Olympian, Noelle Pikus-Pace (congrats the silver, Noelle!) in the "Mommy Olympics". We competed in several events, including searching for a pacifier in the dark and cutting pizza into bite-size pieces with the help of only plastic utensils.
Just like the regular Olympics, the "Mommy Olympics" require tons of training. Only the most seasoned professionals are qualified to compete.
Last week, I asked people to name some additional "mommy challenges" that would make great events. Today, I'm expanding on some of my favorites. Below ten events I would love to see in the "Mommy Olympics".
Is it sad that I don't think I would win any of them?
EVENT #1: SPEED DRINKING COFFEE
Moms must make a pot of coffee and drink a full cup while tending to crying babies, tantruming toddlers, and whining preschoolers, all with different morning needs that can't be accomplished while holding steaming hot liquid in an open mug. Mom who finishes coffee while it's still hot wins!
Points subtracted every time Mom reheats cup of coffee in the microwave.
Additional subtraction if Mom forgets she reheated her coffee and the cup sits in the microwave until she reopens it to make lunch.
EVENT #2: THE CLEAN LAUNDRY RELAY
Moms must fold clean laundry into a basket and then transport laundry to appropriate drawers and closets. Obstacles include toddlers that love taking folded laundry out of the basket and transferring it to random areas of the house under the guise of "helping" and spouses who put dirty laundry in places other than the hamper only to be discovered after load is finished.
First Mom to put away all the clothes before additional load of laundry is created wins.
EVENT #3: WINTER GEAR-A-THON
Moms must each dress two or more children in a coat, hat, scarves, boots, and mittens. Obstacles include children who have no interest in leaving the house, last season's snow boots that are one size too small, and babies who are diabolically opposed to mittens.
Points subtracted if Mom realizes her baby is missing a mitten after she is out the door.
Bonus points if an older child decides to show off her ability to flip on her jacket all by herself.
EVENT #4: MIDNIGHT SHEET QUICK CHANGE
Moms are woken in the middle of the night by the traditional call of recently potty-trained preschoolers— "I'M WET!!!!!!!!!!" Both bed and child will be completely soaked. Moms must each take their child to the bathroom to finish the deed, switch to new PJs and change the sheets— all in the dark, because child will go batshit crazy if the lights are turned on.
Bonus points if mission is completed without waking the baby sleeping in the same room.
Mom who gets their child back to sleep the quickest wins!
EVENT #5: PUBLIC RESTROOM RELAY
Moms must each take a child to a public restroom, locate somewhat clean stall option, successfully paper the toilet seat without touching anything, and then wipe child after he/she is done.
Bonus points if child pulls up his/her own pants.
Points subtracted if paper cover falls into the toilet just before child's butt touches the seat.
Disqualification if child touches the floor.
If there is a tie, win goes to the Mom who attempts to use the toilet herself without child escaping the stall.
EVENT #6: PLAYDOH COLOR SEPARATION
Moms must watch their child mix Playdoh colors without saying a word (lest she stifle their creativity), knowing full well she will be responsible for separating colors once child is done playing. When child is done, she must separate all the colors (including dividing that newly mixed burgundy color that is neither red nor purple) and then scour the area for Playdoh crumbs before someone stamps them into the carpet.
Bonus points if nobody finds any dried bits later.
Disqualification if one of the caps isn't put back on tightly enough, destroying the playdoh forever.
EVENT #7: CREATIVE BABY PROOFING
Moms and toddlers are left in the home of a childless person. No attempts have been made to babyproof whatsoever. Moms must move all dangerous items out of reach, cushion corners, block stariways and cover outlets all with the random materials available, while their children are running around the house.
Mom who makes it out with her child alive wins!
EVENT #8: THE TWISTED CARSEAT STRAP CHALLENGE
Moms must secure base and carseat in the car correctly before buckling child in. Straps will be pre-twisted to make adjustments nearly impossible.
Bonus points if it's done without the child crying.
Final score determined after all the Moms post pictures of their child in the carseat on facebook. Mom with the least amount of comments saying she buckled her carseat incorrectly wins!
EVENT #9: ON-THE-GO PACIFIER RETRIEVAL
Event begins with Moms each driving a vehicle down a major roadway. Baby is in the backseat with pacifier designed to fall on the floor at crucial intersection, causing the baby to cry. Moms must unbuckle their seatbelts, reach into the back seat, find the pacifier without taking their eyes off the road and get it back in the baby's mouth before the light turns green.
EVENT #10: HAIR STYLING
Each Mom must untangle, brush and braid their daughter's hair with minimal struggle. Obstacles include children who are unwilling to keep their heads still, inordinate amount of screaming for the task at hand and ridiculous requests for hairstyles replicating Disney Princesses.
Most elaborate hairstyle with the least amount of screaming wins.
EVENT #11: EXTREME DIAPER CHANGING
Moms will be given exactly one wipe and one diaper along with a baby who has just had a massive blowout. Each mom will be given a changing space that resembles the one found in a plane bathroom. Turbulence included.
Mom who makes it out without poop in her hair wins!
Congrats to Rachel Rosen who wins a month's supply of Pampers! Her Mommy Olympic Event suggestion? "Carry a toddler, a diaper bag, and a stroller up two flights of stairs." Sounds like a fellow New Yorker. Please email firstname.lastname@example.org to claim your prize!