No, I'm not pregnant. And I am certainly not pregnant with TWINS. God help us all. Although, the little buggers up top look mighty cute, they are not cute enough to make me want a third. Plus, if I have two kids, go for a third and then wind up with twins which brings me unexpectedly to four, that's just plain crazytown. I'd rather not risk it.
Anyway, this is a guest post from my good friend (and author!), Paige Kellerman. Paige just published a book called, "At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly-True Tales of An Impending Miracle" which is an honest, horrifying and hilarious account of her pregnancy with you guessed it– TWINS!
The twins, in case you are curious, have now exited the womb and are the living breathing beings pictured above. (I hope I didn't just give away the ending!)
Today, Paige was kind enough to give us the Cliffsnotes version, but as your 10th grade english teacher used to say, that is no substitute for actually reading the book. Below are her "Top Five Little Known Facts About Pregnancy with Twins".
My twins are three
and working magnificent crayon renderings onto the wood laminate, but that
doesn’t mean I’ve totally forgotten what it was like being pregnant with them.
Sure, a lot of the details have been dropped by my brain along the way, but
there were just enough left over to write a book about and a few more I’ll share
with you today. Because being pregnant with twins is exactly like being
pregnant with one baby, except for the following few items.
1) Everyone Will Be Relieved You’re Having Twins
This is because, upon first viewing, most of the public assumes you’re only having one baby. The fact your body is expanding at the speed of light because it’s carrying two little people will help Rick in accounting sleep better, mainly because he thought there was something in the drinking water or possibly the cheesecake you brought in for Food Day and ate by yourself.
2) You'll Receive the Award for the Biggest Pants
Did you know there was an award for the biggest pants? Guess what? You won
it! Pregnancy requires you to ditch actual zippers and embrace tummy-paneled
goodness. But twin pregnancy begs you to bypass pants entirely, and saunter into Motherhood Maternity with the question, “What do
you have in a nice, big tug boat cover?”
3) You Won’t Get the Urge to Drink Anymore
Just kidding. You’ll
actually spend a good part of your pregnancy trying not to trip people who keep
saying you’re, “Such a trooper.” The only difference here is twin pregnancy
tends to make one crave two maraschino cherries in that Tequila Sunrise instead
4) Your Cankles Will Warrant Their Own Wagon
When your thighs, calves, ankles and feet
all become one unit without demarcation, grab some flip flops and do your best
not to let your new set of stems knock out any passing children, dogs, or UPS
men delivering more flip flops. This condition is well known in many
pregnancies, but when it shows up in a twin pregnancy, it’s wise to invest in a
Radio Flyer wagon and someone with great upper body strength to pull you
5) Your Wildest Dreams Will Come True, If Your Wildest Dream is to Become a Professional Linebacker
By the time I had the twins, I was pushing 205 lbs and counting. It’s true, the
Chiefs have had a few horrible seasons, but that’s only because I had to pee so
frequently, I missed the 2009 tryouts. “Coach Edwards,” I whispered into the
phone, “you either set up two Porta Potties on the fifty yard line, or this
I won’t go into
how much time you spend in the bathroom while pregnant with twins. That’s an
entirely different list. Just know that when your Chipotle-wrapped babies greet
you, the end result is worth the effort, and, if you ask nicely, the hospital
staff will get you as many maraschino cherries as you want.
To read all Paige's thoughts on stretch marks, pup tents and epidurals, check out her book "At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly-True Tales of An Impending Miracle" currently for sale on Amazon.
I highly recommend it for currently pregnant people, soon-to-be-pregnant people, and once pregnant people.
I even recommend it to people who have never been pregnant and have no desire to ever get pregnant. You know, so they can pat themselves on the back for making a wise decision.
To read more from Paige on her blog, click here.