The photo above was submitted by Erin, who tried to pawn off her kids to the Clauses for the holidays, but was met with objection from everybody involved.
Maybe the little guy wasn't happy with his gift. He was hoping for a teddy bear that didn't look like it was just fished out of a dumpster. And Mrs. Claus looks like she might give Santa a Christmas Ultimatum. You know, the kind that comes from her divorce lawyer.
What exactly is happening in this frameable holiday photo? Write your best captions in the comment section below. For clarity's sake, let's name the kids. I'm calling the boy "Stripes" and the girl "Pink", until further notice.
Winner will get a copy of the brand new book, "Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat" (pictured left) by none other than Jen of the popular blog "People I Want to Punch in the Throat". Are you starting to understand the title now?
In it, you will read classic Christmas stories like, "You Can Keep Your Cookies, I'm Just Here for the Booze", "Hey Santa, Keep Your Yuletide Log to Yourself" and everyone's childhood favorite, "Over-achieving Elf on the Shelf Mommies". The book recounts Jen's lifelong love/hate relationship with Christmas (you can purchase it here), which probably all started with a photo very similar to the one above.
I bet Stripes writes a book one day. It will be called, "The Day Santa Made My Sister Puke On Herself". I can already see the dollar signs disguised as Christmas spirit.
This contest will be judged by both Jen and me and the winner (aka the Caption Contest Queen) will be crowned on Friday, at a very fancy holiday party that exists solely in my head. Adele will be there singing Christmas carols, Jonathan Adler is in charge of decor and previous Top Chef winners will be serving a five course holiday feast fit for Tom Colicchio and Gayle Simmons— so you really don't want to miss it.
Enter as many times as you like.
Good luck!
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If you have a funny holiday photo, post it on the Mommy Shorts fanpage. I will caption on Friday!
“If you don’t settle down, you’re next to go to the evil snowman,” Mrs. Claus says to Pink, after handing over Stripes moments before.
The jig was up. The kids figured out the real reason behind ‘pictures with Santa’ – to feed Frosty’s insatiable appetite for sweet baby toes.
Santa said to Mrs. Clause “Please take this HOT MESS from me right now and open your eyes, I know you are trying to ignore me by attempting to hold on to that young boy!”
Mrs. Claus: This is exactly why I made you have a vasectomy 40 years ago.
I told you not to eat that bean burrito before work.
Mommy decided that a rum and eggnog was more important than nap time. You’re welcome Santa.
“Remember how we couldn’t have children of our own so you started that toy thing? I think this is the year we put a kabosh on the whole operation.” – Mrs. Claus
After being told they were on the nice list, Billy and Susie were devastated, not having driven their parents as crazy as they thought they had.
i thought we were Jewish
Pink and Stripes show their distaste for all things jolly while Mrs. Clause goes to her happy place where the only small people around are all adults and Santa just laughs nervously.
Scared Straight: Holiday Edition- Pinks and Stripes were the most heinous offenders in the NJ penal system, UNTIL they had a run-in with Santa and his gang of not so merry Henchmen. Stripes tried to act tough, but Pinks lost her cookies.
Mrs. Claus remembers why it’s just better to have elves and reindeer. Santa thinks it’s five o’clock somewhere and wishes Rudolph had one of those barrel collars.
“Now do you remember why you only visit children while they’re SLEEPING?” -Mrs. Claus
Mrs. Claus: This is almost as bad as that time Rudolph pooped in your sack.
Next year, we get that job at honeybaked ham.
Ms.Claus to Santa: “On the count of three, drop’em and make a beeline for the sleigh. The money ain’t worth this anymore. One…Two…Three…”
Mrs. Claus: I think we have a level 6 code brown over here…
Santa: Make that a double code brown.
Mrs. Claus: You know what I want for Christmas? A NEW FUCKING JOB.
Santa: You know I’m not real, right?
Ok, fine. A lump of coal and a heaping plate of HER casserole it is, ya little brats!
I need a stunt double.
And THIS is why we never had children, Mrs Clause..
Santa, side glancing at Mrs. Clause: Did you just…What is that smell? No wonder these kids are crying!
Pink is saying “Don’t yall see that giant snowman behind us he is about to attack let me go…LET ME GO! Mrs. Claus is saying over and over in her head “Its just a dream its just a dream!”
Santa gives Mom her ultimate Christmas wish for 30 seconds of someone else dealing with the kids
“I asked for the Screaming MONKEY toy, not the Screaming BABY toy!”
“Honey, you are getting your tubes tied when we get back to the north pole.”
Pink: Did you hear that? He called me a Ho! Three times!
Stripes: Do you not see that I’m having issues of my own?
Mrs Clause: I wish someone would punch me in the throat
Mr. Clause: I think that Damn Elf on the shelf got the better end of the deal!!!
Stripes: Let go of me or I’ll punch you in the throat Lady!!!!
Pink: WTH is that scary thing behind Santa?
Mrs. Claus: “Please honey, please tell me that you remembered to pack the whiskey…”
Mr. Claus: “Of course I did, dear, it’s waiting in the sleigh.”
This is why some species eat their young.
With a broomstick in his hand, Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Look at Frosty go.
When the elves Stripes and Pink got their pink slips due to shoddy toy production, they were simply inconsolable.
Booze, revenge, divorce, a scary snowman, A missing Elf, and projectile screaming baby puke.
“Merry fucking Christmas and a Shitty New year!”
The toothfairy has the best gig!
Mrs. Claus: ” I married him to stay in the USA for THIS?”
Stripes: Santa, I said I wanted a brother. Do you see what I have to put up with?
The threat of coal might make one child unhappy, a dirty diaper can ruin everyone’s day!
Santa: Screw this shit, next year Im siging up to be the damn easter bunny !
Boy says: Man, my sister always cries and ruins the Christmas pic when she smells Mrs. Clause’s whiskey breath!
Stop your crying or the bear gets it! Hey, Frosty, back me up!
Yes Virginia, there IS a psychotic snowman creeper.
When Christmas goes bad…
very bad.
“Santa farted!!”
The REAL Nightmare before Christmas.
Municipal Building Santa. The dregs of all the Santa posts. Stripes and Pink had their little hearts set on a Mall Santa this year. Foiled again.
It’s the MOST wonderful time of the year!!
Mr. Claus: Someone has coal in her stocking, if you know what I mean, dear.
Mrs. Claus: Mom was right, I should have married an accountant.
This kid is wearing poo-jamas. Next year, Jackfrost gets this gig.
Santa: “This kid is leaking out of her mouth!”
Mrs. Claus: “Yeah, well this kid just let one rip!”
And then the Babes realized they weren’t in Toyland anymore.
Santa: At least TRY to act like you are having a good time!
Mrs. Claus: Good time? Good time!? What kind of stupid ass job did I marry into? You know what? Never mind! I’m going to my happy place for the next hour and dream about Magic Mike.
Santa: Well, there goes my buzz.
Mrs. Claus: Yep.
Ted – I think I went to the wrong set. Someone told me I was working with Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis. Wait is that Kathy Griffin? Wow, plastic surgery really does make you look younger!
Look kids we took frosty’s hat off, he is not alive anymore!
Little boy: “last Christmas I asked you for a bike, not a baby sister. Can you try to get it right this year”.
Serenitynow, serenitynow, serenitynow…
How my parents screwed us up.
Mrs Claus..”thank God I took a Valium before I came in tonight”
Santa..”Yeah, thank God YOU took a Valium but after this I NEED A DRINK”
*Santa thinking to himself* great… pink is having a flipping meltdown. Cleary the Mrs. Is all hopped up on ambien and about to get donkey kicked by stripes over there…wait… what the frick… I swear to god Frosty that better be your corn cob pipe
Mrs. Claus: We are gathered here today, at the Hoboken County Courthouse, to wed Stripes and Pink…