I am not going to be making one of those adorable time lapse pregnancy videos.
I am also not going to be posting a ton of pictures of me modeling my growing belly in a myriad of different outfits.
Because my pregnant belly is not very photogenic. It's not cute, like the belly of that Kristin Cava-whatever chick from The Hills (pictured left— doesn't she make you want to THROW THINGS???).
It's just large.
Not so large that it's screaming "PREGNANT LADY WALKING!!!!" but large enough so that you think I've gained a considerable amount of weight.
Or, if it's your first time meeting me, that I just look really unfortunate in clothing.
Otherwise, I am pretty much the prototype of a pregnant lady.
The day the doctor confirmed I was pregnant, Mike went out and bought me a jar of pickles as a joke.
I finished the whole jar by the end of the day.
And I cry at EVERYTHING.
Here's a short list of some of the things that made me cry over the last few months:
1) Amelia's brain dead unicorn baby on the godawful Private Practice
2) The five-year-old boy who handed his mom a ticket to Vegas on So You Think You Can Dance
3) Two seconds later when that same contestant was out-danced by her one-year-old daughter doing ballet
4) The closing montage in that stupid Ben Stiller heist movie when all the doormen get the solid gold car parts they rightfully deserved (I did not watch this movie by choice, it was on a plane)
5) A post on Buzzfeed called "21 Pictures to Restore Your Faith in Humanity"
I crave weird things, too. Like gazpacho, Twizzlers, watermelon and bowls of ramen. No, not all together— thank god.
Actually, I craved gazpacho last pregnancy too but I think it was a food trend two years ago and now it's currently living in "Foodie Cast-Off Land" with sundried tomatoes and Marcel's foams BECAUSE I CAN NOT FIND IT ANYWHERE.
I might have even walked the streets of NYC starving, on the verge of tears and needing very badly to pee but I refused to stop until we found something, anything that resembled gazpacho. (I settled on a cold cucumber soup and it was NOT WORTH my bladder control efforts.)
I also become very belligerent when I'm not fed. Like when my husband does not realize that my ability to keep lunch down revolves around us ordering dinner RIGHT THIS SECOND.
"Hmmmm… should I order curry ramen or miso ramen?"
"JUST PICK SOMETHING ASSHOLE OR ELSE YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN!!!!!"
"Should I have it delivered or pick it up?"
"PICK IT UP AND ON YOUR WAY BACK, GET ME A BAG OF TWIZZLERS!!!"
"AND A BOWL OF GAZPACHO!!!!"
I already talked about the exhaustion but I should tell you that over this last weekend, I passed out whenever in a semi-reclining position.
Of course, I have to be careful because Mazzy thinks a sleeping Mommy is an opportunity to pounce.
Who knew protecting my second child would involve more than taking prenatal vitamins? Now, I have to make sure my first born doesn't attack me in my sleep.
Oh, and sneezing?
I've heard about people peeing when they sneezed but I assumed they were octogenarians.
One sneeze, I am fine. But sucks for me, because I always sneeze twice in a row. By the second sneeze, it seems my pelvic floor is outside having a cigarette, gossiping with my uterus and swapping copies of InTouch magazine.
Why are sneezing and peeing even connected???
Anyway, it's a 11:30pm now and I am debating bed or cheese doodles.
I choose The Bachelorette.
But first I'm going to the bathroom.
What was/is your biggest pregnancy craving? Do you pee when you sneeze? Does it go away? Should I just move into an old age home and buy a pack of Depends now?
Alternate question: Do you think Emily chooses Arie, Jef or Sean? I've discounted Chris because makes me sad. Please don't answer if you have inside information.