ElmosWorldEars02Today is Elmo's birthday. Exactly what birthday is not clear.

Elmo has been around since 1972, during the early years of Sesame Street. He was officially brought into regular rotation in 1979. But the most popular answer seems to be that Elmo was born in 1985 when Kevin Clash got his hands on the red little monster and gave him his annoyingly high-pitched voice.

This means Elmo is turning anywhere between 27 and 40 today.

Of course, Elmo continually claims that he is turning 3 which basically makes him the Catherine Zeta Jones of the muppet world.

How does one celebrate the 30th time a muppet turns three? 

If you are me, you try to put together an inappropriate Elmo video compilation but then stumble into a YouTube video vortex where Tickle Me Elmo has sex with every other mechanical stuffed animal in existence. Then you get super weirded out and abort the mission entirely.

Seriously. I watched Cookie Monster and Elmo get it on in a box. Complete with giggling and "me want more" and "AGAIN!" dialogue. My eyes and ears will never recover.

Well, they recovered momentarily and then I made the mistake of clicking on "Tigger and Elmo" and now I am officially blind. If you don't want to click (and I don't blame you), know that Tigger's bouncing action comes with "boing boing" sound effects.

I wish blindness had deterred me from clicking on "Elmo and Taxidermy Kitty" because apparently, there are some images so powerful that even a blind person can see them. I'll save you the trouble of clicking on the link and just present you with a screenshot.

Screen shot 2012-02-02 at 9.38.11 PM

Ok, I feel much better now. Like we are all operating on the same playing field. It's called "My Innocence Has Been Forever Altered Park".

Are you having fun yet? 

If not, perhaps you would like to check out videos of Elmo falling down the stairscommitting toy shelf suicide and being burned alive.

Screen shot 2012-02-02 at 11.58.46 PM

So naive I was just a few short hours ago.

I also briefly considered posting a video of Jimmy Kimmel's Unnecessary Censorship which starts out with Elmo telling a baby to "fuck off" (hilarious) but then ends with a little girl giving Grover a hand job (totally disturbing). So that was out. Even I have my limits, Jimmy Kimmel!

And I'd love to post the video of Elmo singing "I'm Elmo & I Know It" but everybody's seen that already, right? (If not, check it out and make sure you watch until the end for the Jamie Foxx/Mr. Noodle seduction dance. It's as awesome as it sounds.)

That leaves me with nothing. Except the need for a drink.

So everybody, please raise a glass. 

"To Elmo. You may annoy the crap out of me, but you keep my kid occupied while I go to the bathroom. Happy Birthday, my friend."

Alright, I'll give you one video…



If you haven't had enough of me or my furry little friend, I posted "10 Ways To Celebrate Elmo's Birthday" on Babble today. 

#1: Talk in the third person all day, whether anybody is listening or not.

Have a good weekend and don't forget to stop by on Sunday for the Baby Bowl! (Ilana could care less about football so Ilana is happy to have something else to do! HAHAHAHAHAHA!)

— Mommy Shorts