As I thought about what to dress Mazzy in for Halloween this year (up top is last year's sushi), I realized that when it comes to costume creation, there are four distinct kinds of MOM. Do all these moms love their kids equally? Probably. Will all the kids love their costumes equally? Probably not.
The 4 Kinds of MOM on Halloween
1) THE CRAFTY MOM
Motto: "Love is Measured Through the Number of Sewing Needles that Snapped In Half During the Creation of My Child's Costume."
You started thinking of ideas for Halloween costumes on November 1st of 2010. You own a sewing machine, fabric scissors and sheets of felt in at least 50 different colors. In fact, you have an entire room dedicated to your craft projects. A room that has been photographed and featured on Design Sponge. And you're hoping that this year's costume makes the pages of Martha Stewart Living. You'll submit it as soon as the tips of your fingers stop bleeding.
2) THE CLEVER MOM
Motto: "My Baby is Nothing if Not A Canvas for Comedic Fodder."
Your costume doesn't have to make your kid look cute or be particularly well-made. The main objective is to make people laugh. You may have even given birth to a baby for the sole purpose of using him/her to express your ironic sense of humor. While other mothers curate keepsake boxes full of heirlooms and hair clippings, you have a box full of photos with which to use to embarrass your child on their wedding day.
Clockwise from left: Nacho Libre, a Biggest Loser contestant, Tom Cruise in Risky Business, Donald Trump.
Clockwise from left: Sarah Palin, Alien baby, Colonel Sanders, Borat
3) THE STORE BOUGHT MOM
Motto: "Why Would I Make a Costume When Someone Has Already Made One For Me?"
You do not think that Halloween is a make it or break it parenting moment. And originality is not a coveted concept. You don't care if your lobster baby gets lost in a sea of lobster babies in the local Halloween parade. As long as none of the lobster babies get cooked and eaten for dinner, you will consider your costume efforts successful.
4) THE HALF-ASSED MOM
Motto: "You Say Half-Assed, I Say Ingeniously Efficient Use of Money and Time."
You forgot Halloween was a few days away until you saw this post. Or maybe you are a procrastinator in general. Or you have a very exciting life full of non-Halloween-related activities and you can't imagine dedicating more time to Halloween than the morning before the festivites. Whatever the reason, you have neither the time or inclination to make or buy a costume. You must make due with the things you find in your house.
Clockwise from left: Pizza deliver guy, bag of jelly beans, laundry, present.
Clockwise from left: UPS man, static cling, farmer, toilet paper mummies, spa goer.
Just so we all know, I am not judging the half-assed moms. I come from a long line of half-assed moms.
One of my mother's favorite childhood stories is about my grandmother who (newly arrived in the US and unaware of Halloween traditions till the day of) stuck a large carboard box over my mom's head and sent her out the door as a refridgerator.
As for me, I distinctly remember going as a "hobo" one year (large tie, bowler hat and blazer all from my dad's closet) and another year as a "mime" (all black with white pancake make-up). Not much forethought in either.
My sister, however, fared even worse. Here she is in the late '80s dressed as a California Raisin.
Essentially, my mother sent her youngest daughter into the streets wearing a garbage bag.
I bet she cleaned up with the candy though.
The sympathy card is good for at least 10 mini Kit-Kats.
What kind of Halloween mom are YOU?