Last week, I was invited to a screening of “I Don’t Know How She Does It”. In my head, my blog post was already written. People are always asking me how I do it— hold a job, be a mom, write a blog— so I figured I’d just write a fun breakdown. How I don’t sleep, how my husband hogs the kitchen, how I let Mazzy run naked down the streets of Manhattan unsupervised, etc.
Then I saw the movie.
I expected a fluff piece. And I am sure to many, it will be. But to me, I related to it so immensely that I had a lump in my throat for the entirety of the film and for many hours afterward. When it came time to ask the adorable Sarah Jessica Parker questions at the Q&A (WHAT? SJP IS HERE??? I MUST LEARN TO READ THESE INVITATIONS MORE CAREFULLY!!!), I kept quiet for fear I would burst into tears the second I opened my mouth.
I don’t really talk about my job on Mommy Shorts except if it seems necessary. And I have only mentioned my nanny, a wonderfully involved woman named Ruth, a handful of times. Plus, I talked about my business trip to Argentina a few weeks ago like it was an isolated event when the truth is, if all goes as planned, I will start to travel more often, just like I did prior to having a baby.
Why do I avoid these things?
Because this is a parenting blog and these things make me feel like less of a parent.
Some people seem to think it is very difficult to hold a job and be a mom. I, for one, think staying at home would be much more difficult. I know I am a better, more patient parent when I do not spend every waking hour with my daughter. I believe my husband and I have a more even partnership as a result of us both being working people. Plus, having a career has always been a vital part of my existence.
Regardless, I watched “I Don’t Know How She Does It” with little sympathy for Kate (a mother who leaves her kids repeatedly for work including on Thanksgiving), even though I would make many of the same choices she did. As the movie progressed and the lump in my throat grew, it dawned on me that I must not sympathize with myself.
For starters, no matter how many times I do it, walking out the door in the morning feels incredibly self-indulgent. And leaving my 21 month-old daughter in someone else's competent hands often makes me feel like I am cheating at motherhood and getting away with it. Yes, working is hard and not always enjoyable. And yes, I am earning an income that helps support my family. But if I'm honest, isn't going to work also a form of escape?
In the movie, Kate is good enough at her job that ultimately she can force her boss to let her work at her own schedule. And the message appears to be that successful working mothers have the power to push for family-friendly practices at work. Although I agree with this, my experience is that it does not always work out for the women who are not rising stars at their companies or the employees who just landed the big account. I believe that work balance should be as much a corporate initiative as a personal one. But that's a whole other blog post.
Towards the end of the Q&A, a woman stood up to say that she had just had her 60th birthday party at which her grown children gave a speech. They told her that they knew she carried guilt for being a working mom but they always felt loved and never shortchanged.
Love was a running theme in the Q&A. People said Kate was a good mom because you could see how much she loved her kids.
I wonder if love is enough.
Can you be a good mother if you love your kids but you are not the one taking care of them 100% of the time? Can you be a good mother if you prioritize yourself ahead of them on occasion? Can you be a good mother if you allow yourself to let go of the guilt that comes with persuing your own career?
I don't know if I will ever know the answers to these questions. Or if they will loom larger as the years pass. But I do know two things.
I will not stop working.
And I love my daughter with all my heart.
I just finished the book this weekend. I wonder how much will be changed, considering the book took place nearly ten years ago.
I could have related to Kate back then, or even more so when I was in college, pre-kids, when I thought I could do it all and have it all. Now that I am a SAHM (not completely by choice) I can’t imagine working full time (or technically, way over FT) and having children and a husband. I could not keep all the balls in the air and be sane or healthy.
Though I am still slightly jealous of Kate’s freedom and sense of purpose (deluded as they may be). My “job,” my writing, is considered a hobby and always on the back burner. I don’t have a chance to sit down and type away until everything else it taken care of…priorities…but whose?
I was laid off shortly after my maternity leave so I understand circumstances not being completely by choice. I am now working freelance. So far, the hours have been consistent with a full-time job, but it also allows me the freedom to turn down projects without being fired and thus much more flexibility than Kate. It was not a decision I made intentionally but it has actually proven to be a much better lifestyle with a similar income.
Everybody is different. I don’t think I would be sane without a job.
I haven’t read the book or seen the movie, but after reading this, I know I need to see the movie.
I’m also a full-time working mom. I often have guilt about running out the door, missing the opportunity to volunteer in class, and missing all the field trips. But like you, I know that working is best for me AND my family. I also wrote a post about this awhile ago. It’s here, if you want to read it: http://thedailydribbles.com/2010/03/i-am-a-full-time-working-mom/
I think this question will never be answered, ever. At least not in a way that will be acceptable to everyone. It’s such an individual thing, choosing to work or to stay at home with the children. Some out of choice, some not. It’s whatever works for you at that moment in time, I guess. But the two truths you state? Those are the important things.
I worked for 10 years and I loved it. I never would have thought I’d give it up to be a stay-at-home mother. And give it up without hesitation. I have no regrets. I love my life now. I have some kind of balance as my son spends a few hours a day at his grandparents, leaving me some me time (well, to run errands, cook and bake, clean the house, occasionally sit down and blog), so I know I’m VERY lucky. I don’t know if I’ll go back to work ever. This is too much fun to give up.
I too am a working mom to an almost-3yr old little boy. I think it has gotten harder for me to be gone every day, because he is more vocal about it. However, it’s been going on since he was just a baby, so he is accustomed to it. I am lucky to have a job that is understanding of my situation and flexible with the times I work. I go to work at 5am and am home by noon. On days of his preschool, I am able to leave early so I can be the one to pick him up. I think things like that are important and I consider myself very lucky to have the opportunity to do both.
However flexible my job is, the guilt still looms. Guilt that I’m not there when he wakes up every day, guilt that I am not taking control of everything he eats, quilt that I am not making sure he spends the mornings doing productive learning and the list goes on and on.
I am a firm believer that I am a better mom because I appreciate my time with him more. I believe that he is a stronger and more independent boy because I am not always there. I believe he is more confident in our relationship because he knows that no matter what, when I leave…I always come back. And in his mind, that is the most important part.
Working gives me a sense of self, a sense of worth that I think can only be earned through the workplace. Being a mom gives me a sense of worth that only being a mom can. Both are important, and I believe that they supplement each other as well.
Thanks for posting! I love our nanny too but I am terrified of the day I go to pick up Bugs and and she won’t want to come with me. The look she gives as I drop her off breaks my heart every freakin’ morning!
I love my job and my baby and know I could never hack it as a SAHM (um you guys ROCK!) but the GUILT, oh the guilt is always there…
On the flip side, my mom was a working mom and I have ZERO resentment and think I am as independent as I am BECAUSE of the choices she made. I don’t remember very much of the younger years or care that she didn’t make every game because as an adult I can full appreciate the sacrifices she was making at the time. I can only hope my daughter will feel the same way!
Even though I’m a SAHM, I’m looking forward to seeing this movie. (It’s possible that I’m harboring a slight crush on Greg Kinnear, but that’s beside the point.)
I can remember having a conversation with my mom when I was pregnant about working or staying at home. Basically, she talked about how no matter what you do, there will be guilt. If you work, maybe guilt over not being around enough. If you stay home, maybe guilt over not having enough money to do things for your kids, buy them nice clothes, etc. I try to remember her advice on the days when I’m questioning my choice to stay home: “No matter what, if you love the crap out of your kids, it will all work out”.
One of the things I love the most about your blog is how it’s totally obvious that you love the crap out of Mazzy, but you show it in an awesome, hilarious, not-annoying way! So I guess, according to my mom, it will all work out!
When I was pregnant with my first son, I couldn’t even imagine not continuing to work after he was born. Then I was laid-off and the decision to stay home was made for me.
It’s been 10 years since I’ve had a job, and I do wonder what I could have accomplished. But I think no matter which route you choose, you’re always going to be asking yourself “what if” and feeling guilty about something.
I love that you wrote this post, Ilana.
I believe every parent, whether working or stay-at-home, needs a break.
Or you break.
I finally hit a breaking point a little over four years after becoming a parent, and the amount of guilt flooding me for daring to plan a simple mommy vacation, was huge. – http://danceswithchaos.wordpress.com/2011/06/17/when-burnout-hits-go-dance-with-canadians/
I cannot image how it feels to go back to work and leave them with someone else all day, five days a week.
Oddly, I feel no guilt about them having “preschool” because they both love it and I can see it is good for them.
I think it is best for some parents to not stay at home, because they are better when they have a consistent break, they need the adult stimulation from a job.
Blogging is my small attempt to connect with other “grownups” and not let my brain atrophy.
Because even for the most saintly SAHP, there is only so much Elmo we can take.
I loved the book.
I hope the movie can do it justice.
And, for you: I think you’re doing what first time moms do: go TOO HARD on themselves.
Really. I say this b/c I did this with myself to myself after my first.
If I didn’t do everything perfectly by the book, I felt I was a failure.
You are an excellent mom.
There are moms who stay home all day with their kids and don’t even give their kids eye contact, they’re so busy doing their own thing.
When your with your baby girl you are WITH her.
So, banish everything else from your mind.
It is HOW you mother not how many MINUTES you mother, that count.
I’ve seen the extremes: there is no balance, there is not perfect answer.
We do the best we can, and that is what counts.
I can definitely relate to everything you are saying here. I work full time and as much as I know it’s the right choice for me, the guilt is overwhelming sometimes. And I, like you, have a wonderful babysitter. She is caring and amazing and a mother herself, so she understands what I want for my daughter. But sometimes I find I’m jealous of the time she gets with Caitlyn. When Caitlyn comes home and she’s learned something new, I’m resentful that I wasn’t the one to teach it to her. And I feel like a bad mother for it. I don’t think there’s an easy answer.
There’s no one right answer, but it sounds like you’ve found a great fit for your family. You can re-evaluate, reconsider & tweak your work situation as Mazzy gets older (or just whenever you need a change), but it sounds like you’re right where you need to be.
Another thing I try to keep in mind is that I’m setting an example for Lindsey: I love my job & I’m good at it, and I want her to grow up to find a satisfying career, too. (Even if it’s taking care of her own kids at home someday, if that’s what she’s passionate about.)
It sounds like this was a tough post for you to write, but thank you for doing it. We’re all just making the best choices we can while factoring in a million different things.
I think we all suffer guilt in some way. I work FT. I have no other choice due to finances. My daughter has been in daycare/preschool/school since she was 4 months old. My daughter is 6 and I can tell you she is sweet, happy, bubbly and a real character. I KNOW that I am a better mom when we are not together 24/7. And I don’t think I’m LESS of a mom. That doesn’t stop the guilt, though. It kills me when she asks why she can’t be a “car rider” after school. (Get picked up at 2pm). I want to be able to volunteer more than I do. I don’t think there is any one answer for everyone. Just don’t give in to the sanctimommies that try to make you feel guilty!
I think we are the first generation of moms who have fallen captive to the notion that good parenting equals constant time together. No other previous generation had this issue, yet we are buried in guilt (both self-inflicted and reinforced by society)when we are away from our children. If you choose to have a rewarding career because it is important to you, important to your family, or for whatever reason, then it should be celebrated and supported. Same goes true if you choose the tremendously difficult job of staying home with kids. Both are huge sacrifices that often are judged instead of appreciated, and sadly by other moms. There is no easy path, and no right answer. Each mom has to make that decision for herself and her family, and it is never easy.
I teared up just reading your post; I imagine I can’t handle the movie. I too feel a lack of sympathy for myself for being a working mom, because I work by choice. I don’t think I could be a SAHM and I try to justify it by saying that Hazy is better off with a mother who’s fulfilled in her career and at home. But honestly, most of the time, I feel like I’m half-assing both my jobs and wonder if it’s worth it. And with #2 due any day now, I get to look forward to letting 2 little people down. Excellent!
I think every working mom struggles with these questions every day. I know I do. It makes the guilt worse when we have a bad weekend, or I yell, or let her watch TV, or do any of the other things I do, because, well, we don’t have as many experiences together as stay at home moms do.
But it makes the good moments better too. And the sight of her running to me at the end of the day reassures me that yes, she knows she is loved.
All this rambling to say, yes. You can. It has to be enough. It just does.
Thank you for putting into words exactly how I feel about working and being a mom to my 23 month old b/g twins. I have never felt so much love as I have for my 2 kids, but I love my work and my work makes me a more fulfilled person. I can’t wait to share your thoughts with my mom, who does not understand why I choose to work.
Jennifer
http://nicandkate09.blogspot.com/
I’ve been reading review after review that absolutely pans this movie. However what you’ve written hits home for me. I don’t think any movie can ever truly represent life as we know it without being accused of being either too gritty or too pretty, unbelievable or too truthful to be entertainment.
The emotions you’ve laid out for us here are so familiar, the shame and pride, the assertion of loving and needing contradicting one another. Just beautifully done.
I just worked all weekend (not even from home) after a week of dropping my screaming and begging 3 year old to her first real school. Guilt is tremendous. But I know one thing…if I was a stay at home mom, I would be a horrible one. I have patience shorter than my 3 year old. I love being with and I love making a big deal when I am with her. I just can’t do it all the time. Work gives mea “grown up” perspective, reason to dress up and who am I kidding…break.
I added a link to your blog on my page. Thank you for not making us traveling, working moms feel so alone.
http://nicandkate09.blogspot.com/2011/09/i-couldnt-have-said-it-better.html
Wow, what a thoughtful, honest post. I really identify with a lot of the emotions you pegged here – primarily the feeling that I’m somehow “cheating at motherhood” when I walk away from my son each day. I daydream about not having to work such long hours, setting my own schedule, working from home, not having to put my son in daycare. But, like you, even though it is majorly necessary for me to work outside the home, when I’m honest with myself, there’s a part of me that likes having a break from being a mom (even if I am working my ass off – not much of a break – and I basically never stop thinking about my child all day).
I am also expecting a lot of fluff from this movie – from the previews it looks to scratch the surface of these complex emotions that go along with being a working mother, without offering much in the way of answers or sympathy for moms who do work outside the home (whether by choice or by necessity). Maybe I’m wrong. Or maybe the questions and emotions just run so deep that it doesn’t take much to get us talking/thinking about them. Either way, the answers aren’t easy, but I do think you touched on something that more of us need to practice – self-compassion when we can’t (or don’t want to) do it all.
Thanks for writing this post. I read your blog all the time but this is the first comment. It’s always reassuring to hear from other moms who live with the same guilt I feel every day. My son is about 3 months younger than Mazzy, and I work about 50-55 hours per week. I have the same guilt every day, especially days when he doesn’t want to let go of me in the morning. I think part of the guilt comes from the fact that I really love my job and while I would quit and never look back if I had to, I am happy I don’t have to at the same time. But I don’t think it makes me a bad mom, I think it makes me more appreciative and involved during the time I do have with him. At least that’s my hope. 🙂
Great post! I can’t wait to see the movie. I am a SAHM myself, but no matter our situations as mothers, whether we work outside the home or in it, we are all just trying to do the best we can. At the end of the day, we all have the same goal – to raise productive, intelligent, wonderful human beings.
Being the mother of four, I am often asked the same question, “How do you do it?” The answer: I don’t know! I just DO it. Some days suck and some days are full of awesome, but this job is wonderful – chaos and all – and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Mother-guilt sucks. But we can’t escape it.
Whether it’s work-related or about co-sleeping or breast-feeding or organic-baby-food-processing or sibling-creation or special-needs accommodation or or or
There’s always something we can question with regards to our choices. There are always people who will judge our decisions.
You can only do what works for YOU and your child.
And yet. We still get choked up and worry and doubt.
Because there is nothing more important.
At least you know you’re not alone.
I can relate to this. I love working outside the home. LOVE. And it doesn’t diminish one bit how much I love my children.
Hello my weblog friend! I read the book when it came out. In fact, Mark bought it for me funny enough.
Was he in the know more than I was after just having had Jake, my first? Let’s just say I am a perfectionist and I always have been one to try and do it all.
I have been a SAHM for almost 10 years now – wow! Never thought that would happen. But I suppose when you have three kids and want to be home while they are home, it kind of happens on its own.
After we briefly talked when we saw each other at the HBO premiere I realized that no matter how we “do it” we have to try to do it the best way we know how. Learn from others, listen to your instincts and have the courage to be ok with your choices.
I think of you often since that night and how you must struggle with leaving, but also I could tell you relish in your time to work on your career. It allows you to have that personal balance. Something I am finally just getting around to figuring out since taking Karen Wolrand’s Chookooloonks PathFinder course. Yeah for me – finally.
I will go see this movie, and I know it will make me appreciate my current situation. I am at home with the kids, have help several hours a week and I’m able to have the luxury of time to figure out what I want to do without having to be forced into a work situation I am not comfortable in.
My guilt? That I don’t recharge my own batteries enough to be able to parent at my best.
I’ll get there…soon. Very soon.
Don’t doubt what you are doing, just follow your gut. You know what you need best and what Mazzy needs too.
xo
Jill
So, this is why you have quickly become one of my favorite mommy bloggers. I could have written this post.
I knew from day-one that I didn’t really want to be a stay-at-home mom. I didn’t think I’d be patient enough for it, and I think in hindsight I was right. My goal was to work part-time, and I was blessed in that not only am I good at what I do, but the kind of work I do (software engineering) lends itself to being part-time pretty well. While I can’t take on as much responsibility (I can’t project manage, I can’t tech-lead a project, etc), at the same time I can’t let myself get too stressed out about work because when it hits 5:30, I HAVE to leave and get Rebecca.
So, I really got the best of both worlds, and I know it. Especially in this economy, I know I am DAMN lucky. But…. sometimes I feel like I have the guilt of both worlds too. I don’t feel like I completely fit into either “culture”. I have a hard enough time making new friends as is (I think I’m a very fun person, but I’m not always the attention-grabbing, outgoing type), and my schedule doesn’t really help.
But the worst part of it… is that my working days are my “easy” days, and that makes me feel SOOOO guilty. I feel like all I ever hear from the working moms is that they wish they could be home with their kids… but I don’t always feel that way. One girl I work with who has kids the same age as my daughter kept saying “Why are you working MWF, why not Tues-Thurs so you can have a 4 day weekend?”. I felt weird trying to explain that I wanted to mix it up — because 4 days in a row taking care of her myself is actually more draining to me. It’s all still “work” to me, and being a mom is much harder than anything I do at the office. Talk about a demanding client…
I guess what makes me feel so awful sometimes is that I prefer to work than be home 24/7. I feel like I’m wired wrong, and that something is wrong with me, because what good mother would want to get AWAY from their child?
When I my daughter was newborn, I had PPD pretty bad. I had horrible anxiety and fear and guilt, which was probably triggered by my inability to get the hang of breast-feeding (something I still feel horribly guilty about giving up on, no matter how many people tell me I shouldn’t). It was just hard because I loved her so much, but I was holding these bad feelings that were eating away at me. It was almost like I was resenting her for being…well… a baby. And while I dealt with the PPD, I think it applies to a lesser degree to the fact that I work. It helps me strike the right balance for my personality so that I can be the best possible mother I can be, and that includes getting time away from her. And I definitely appreciate the time I have with her.
Sorry for the emotional dump… you definitely hit on something I always struggle with, and never feel comfortable talking about because I always felt like my feelings aren’t ones I should be having as a mother.
And yes, I LOVE my daughter to DEATH! (See? I still feel the need to point that out…)
I LOVE your last two paragraphs, Megan! I need to remind myself of this more often.
I have two girls, and I try to parent and live the way I want them to parent and live. I don’t expect them to feel guilty for spending time with people who aren’t me – I love that they have friends and a life outside of just me! My children are blessings, and blesings are meant to be shared. So I don’t mind sharing them with daycare and school and playdates with friends. I also do a couple of activities for myself outside of work, because so do they, and I don’t want them to grow up thinking that once they have kids, they have to stop being their own person and stop loving themselves. Loving someone doesn’t equate to spending 100% of your day with them. I would of course re-evaluate if they were stressed at all, and I have certainly skipped non-paying activities when I thought they needed time with me more, and always prioritize real needs (e.g. sick days) over work. But the vast majority of time, they love going to school and daycare as much as they love coming home! Everyone has a different balance of work/family/hobbies, and there is no way to compare families anymore than we can compare peoples personalities.
I’m a SAHM who totally thinks you can work and be a good mom, in fact I think I would be a better mom if I did. I gave up work when I had my first and by making that decision lost my work visa and ability to change my mind later. Not working leaves me grasping at things to hang any sense of achievement on and I’m often bored, frustrated and lonely. Unfortunately I’m also a control freak so even though I can now work, having looked after my kids for the last 8 years I now feel unable to give up the reins to anyone else. I think if you find a balance that makes you happy and your kids are safe, loved and nurtured, hold onto and don’t let anyone make you feel you’re wrong!
I have never met you,but would guess you are an awesome Mom. I am lucky because while I have my “days” my forte is baby/ toddler/ preschool years. Why am I telling you that? Because I am NOT as confident about parenting during the teen years! As parents, we need to parent at every stage, which are all vastly different, then think we are failures if we aren’t all Lady Madonna like with every phase! One parent wanting a break from a toddler equates another wanting a break from a moody adolescent, yet we seem to think there is something wrong with a Mom who wants a break from a toddler but sympathize with one who wants a break from an adolescent. So trust me, I won’t judge, I never judge, because at some point it will easily be reflected back to me and I would much rather have understanding!
There have been so many good points made above, and as someone whose job is feminist centered, it is something I have given a lot of thought. Of course, everyone must make the best choice for them and their family, but I am still stuck by how “unnatural” our culture makes working women feel, something, that I think very few working men feel, even though their lives are also changed by having children.
A lot of people have noted above that working and SAHM have so many “balls to juggle” but a bit of the larger picture is why? Why are these all our balls? OK, that is what she said.
Regardless, I have to work, I do the best I can, every mother does. The guilt tho, the little thoughts, and you hit it right on in this post, is the little voice saying “this is for me” Well, the question is, WHY do we feel like that is wrong. Most men don’t. Even though I am the primary wage earner…it is highly gendered and I am glad that this discussion is going on about it.
I am right now SAHM (totally not by choice, I am looking for a job) but I am not sure I want to go back to a traditional job. SJP??? Nuh-uh!
Do NOT feel guilty about working. Think about it this way – you put a lot of hard work, energy, money, time, etc. to get an education and excel in your field (I’ve seen your website, and i LOVE that Oreos commercial). Just because you have a child does not mean you should give that up. You have a brain, and should be able to use it. Do you see working fathers feeling like they are doing the wrong thing by going to work? No. Because of old fashioned stereotypes.
When my oldest was born, I planned to take 6 months off of work. At 3 months, I started doing some work part-time from home (no childcare yet). At 4 months, when I got a daycare spot, I went back to work. I couldn’t even last 6 months! I was going crazy – too isolated, lack of adult contact, and my mind was going fuzzy. And I know I’m a better parent for it. Not everyone is designed to stay home with the kids.
Dude, I don’t know. But I do know that my dream of going to work only part-time and trying to straddle the line is unlikely to ever happen.
I think in this day and age, you feel guilty no matter what. Maybe that’s what being a good mom is? Caring enough to have guilt?
I could relate to so much of this post and I do REALLY want to see this movie. I wonder if I’ll also watch it with a lump in my throat. I think the main difference between myself and Kate (and you and me, for that matter) is that I would rather be at home. At least right now. I think this has more to do with my career path and current job, however, than a desire to not work altogether. That said, I’ve never felt comfortable in a corporate environment and I do tend to feel happiest and at my most confident when I’m doing one of two things: 1.) Writing, and 2.) Parenting my daughter. Which kind of leads me to believe I should either be a SAHM… or a starving artist (essentially).
Oh, and the guilt? I has it. Working mom guilt, blogging guilt, regular woman brain guilt… take your pick. I have it all. I realized this last week in therapy. I believe that’s what they call a “breakthrough.”
I’m a working mom, from home, with my 2 kids full time. I’m not sure what the best option is. I’m thankful that I get to work (i.e. eat and have shelter) and still raise my kids, but my sanity and “me” are definitely low on the totem pole. As is sleep… But am I happy that I’ve been here for my kids “firsts”, but I’m also happy the 7 hours a week where one is in preschool and my friend watches the other so that I can run errands, go to the office, have meetings, etc.
Oh, and I certainly don’t look like SJP! 🙂
Lovely post. On a more practical q: Did anyone both read the book AND see the movie? Because I loved this book and wanted to talk about it with every mom I know – both SAHMs and working moms. BUT what you say in your post about the ending is NOT the way the book ends. The book ending is incredibly thought provoking, IMO, and really where the entire muddiness of this issue (to work as a mom or not?) comes out for discussion. If they changed the ending I am sorely disappointed! And go read the book y’all! 🙂
I can’t imagine how hard it is for Mom’s to leave their kids. That’s why I have made it my mission to help Mom’s and others work from home. http://InspireMomsGroup.com is my site. I think from the commercials and from this post – the movie is something i would go and see.
Thank you for posting this. I am about to be a Mommy for the first time (4 more months!!) and have waited for this baby for over 3 years.
I have always said that there is no way that I would be able to be a SAHM. I thought that I would go insane if I had to be at home all day long even with a dearly loved child. I felt like I wouldn’t have enough patience or adult interaction.
Although I still feel the same, with the little one on the way, I’m starting to feel torn about continuing to work after the baby is born. I wonder how it will feel to leave him or her the first time and what it will be like to come home and realize that I’ve missed a milestone in his or her life. I wonder if I’ll have the energy and patience left to meet my child’s needs after working all day with other children who have special needs.
I also don’t really have a choice in the matter. My husband and I need the income while he gets his fledgling business off the ground and turns it into something stable.
This post was wonderful to read. I am hopeful that on that first day that I have to go back to work I will remember that I am not alone in this struggle between guilt and love and longing!!
I can not wait to see this movie…I too am a working mother of 2 (ages 6 & 3), besides my full time job I also freelance write for an online magazine and web site…in addition my husband does not get home at night until about 10pm…I often wonder HOW I DO IT…but IT gets done…I am actually planning a grils night for drinks and then we are seeing this movie!!
Love this post. I haven’t seen the movie yet — I just re-read the book and found it pretty depressing, actually, I guess because I deal w/ my own mommy guilt. I haven’t been sure I want to pay money to see it all on the big screen. I’ll probably wait for Netflix. Oops, “Qwickster.”
I really hate that it’s reached a point in our society where it has to be “either or.” No one questions how much a father loves his children when he gets out and goes to work, so what makes it so different for a mother? It doesn’t matter WHAT we do (as moms) someone is going to disagree. As long as YOU know that you are doing the best you can and making the best decisions for your family, then that is all that matters.
Thanks for your reply, Kande! I have definitely come to terms that I am NOT a newborn person, I enjoy each “phase” better than the last, and I love seeing her turn into a little person. But I highly doubt I’m going to be any better at the teenage stuff than you or anyone else! I think it’s safe to say that being a mom to a teenager kicks EVERYONE’S ass… 🙂
What can I say, we all do the best we can…. 🙂
I stay at home, because I feel like I am supposed to, so I feel a little jealous of your ability to go to work and be around people who aren’t throwing stuff at you…well, at least not literally.
I don’t know if I can answer your question because I don’t want it to come from jealousy. I feel guilty too though, about different things. So maybe we never stop feeling guilty, no matter what.
I think it comes down to motives. SAHM can sit around all day on the internet, or on the phone, ignoring their children…they can be absent just as much as a mother who is gone for the day.
So, whether we stay home with them or leave them for a while to work, if we are ignoring them because we are being selfish (and of course this doesn’t count for “break time”), then we deserve to feel guilty.
If we are away from them to contribute to their well being (financially, emotionally, etc) then we should disregard the guilt. Right?
I have so so so many of these very thoughts. Sometimes I’m all bloggy about them, sometimes I shut my pie hole and move on. I work because I have to. For me, not just for supporting my family. I pay a crapton of money for child care, but my children are loved and enjoy it.
The thing I hope I’m teaching my kids is that their mom did what was right FOR HER. Their mom chose to go to a job that made her (mostly) happy, she sacrificed certain things in their childhood to do this, but she is smart and strong and yes – out of the house – but always loving and supportive of her children.
Just like my mom was.
I think that if you love your child, you show him/her that love with the time you spend with him/her, you are a great mom.
Nobody can be with their child 100% of the time. Even those of us that stay at home. So I think it is about the quality of time that is spent with your children and not the quantity!
Great post. I think the upshot is: you can’t win. I’m a former rising star lawyer who walked away from my career when I had my second kid. I now work part-time teaching legal writing and freelance writing. I love the time with my kids and my flexible schedule, especially because my husband is also a lawyer who works all the time & travels. But I constantly feel like a failure and a disappointment for not pursuing my career.
In short, guilt for working. Guilt for not working. You can’t win.
Great post. I love your honesty and can relate to all the internal conflicts you describe here. I have two young boys and have been freelancing since my oldest was born. I thought I finally achieved the elusive work/life balance. I’ve discovered that when I try to be everything to everyone, I suck at everything. I’ve learned not to be so hard on myself. And knowing there are other moms out there that are going through it too helps.
This was such a heartfelt post, Ilana, and very moving. And let me let you in on a little (not so) secret; mother guilt runs so deep that even if you work at home (moi), you still feel torn up if you have to work for an hour instead of baking cookies with them. That’s just who we are. xxoo
I think the Empress said it best above so I will just say… What she said!
Can your next post reveal the SAHM vs WAHM rivalry and it’s ridiculousness?
I think that topic could use your humor.
As for guilt – it’s unavoidable – but it’s clear to all that meet you that you are one fierce Momma. Keep on truckin’ MommyShorts!.
I saw the movie this past weekend. My 4 kids are now all grown, and for most of their life, I worked part-time, meaning I did my best to work my schedule around theirs, usually 3 days a week when they were younger. I still had full responsibility for the house and cooking.
3 years ago I took a corporate job (I had 2 older teens at home) I began working 80-90 hours a week. I had a cleaning lady, my husband did the cooking. I paid for the entire family (18 of us) to go to Golden Corral on T-giving because I was so stressed I could not cook or have anyone over.
I eventually broke down after 2 years of this. And now I have no kids at home. I am blessed that my husband is okay with our arrangement. Some people do better working outside the home, some don’t. For now, I am better off at home, although I enjoy when I go to conferences or have a speaking engagement.
My point is, everyone’s situation is different. I felt guilt working the last year my daughter was at home before leaving for college. So it doesn’t necessarily go away when they get older. Just make sure, deep in your heart that you are doing the best you can for you and your family, and then try to be at peace with it, no matter what everyone else says.
I had the same response as you did as far as Kate having the ability to have flexibility. Most women aren’t in that position. It would be the company’s way or the highway.
Great convo here!
Bernice
My quest for a balanced life
First, you guys need to give yourself a break. No matter what you do, go out to work or stay at home, you are judging your worth as lacking. And that is wrong. Your worth as a mother is not based on what you choose to do as a grown up person with a life of your own. Just because you have kids, your life does not stop. Eventually, those kids grow up, and if you have not grown as well, you will have a lot of catching up to do. And have no clue who you are anymore. You have a life to live, live it.
Now, what I have to say about daycare or nannies is this, there is no such thing as too much love in a child’s life. Having another person in their life who loves and nurtures them when you are not there is not a bad thing. It teaches them that there are a lot of awesome loving people in the world that they can run to when they are in need- instead of perhaps a handful. There was a time when children were nurtured by a community, not just parents or grandparents. It’s only recently that this became the norm. Your children know you love them, and the bond is different and deeper with you than it is with daycare. I know because I ran a daycare in my home for 11 years. The kids loved me, loved coming to my house, and loved doing activities with me, but I was not Mom. I was someone who loved them and cared about their welfare, fed and taught them things, but I was not their parent. They talked about their parents all day, the most important people in their lives yet they loved being with me. It’s all good. There’s always enough love to go around. It multiplies, let them share theirs.
If you let guilt run you, then they know that, and boy, can they manipulate you with it. That makes children rather selfish and unlikeable. Be confident in who you are and let them see that.
Just love them, and most importantly, be present with them when you are with them e.g., not on the computer, texting, or zoning out with tv – I have a daughter who is like that right now and the grandkids come to me for attention, makes me sad for them. Good thing they have us is all I can say.
Hope this helps since it is is written with love to all you moms by a mom, grandma and former daycare auntie.
Love your blog, and your daughter is beautiful. And totally normal lol. Makes me miss the kids!!
Hugs
I don’t think anyone ever prioritizes themselves over their children, not really. We all weigh our options. Yes, I totally leave Anna at daycare and take myself shopping, and that’s prioritizing time alone over time with her, but I know that I’ll have that time again when I pick her up, or tuck her in. I know that even as I’m shopping “for me” my cart will end up packed with things for her. What I mean is that in day-to-day routines, we may think we’re prioritizing ourselves but ultimately, in the sum of our choices, we’re always prioritizing our families.
My mom worked full-time at a time when many mothers did not- and sometimes she missed my special moments, too (not that I can remember specifics- gimme a break, I was a kid!).
And you know what? I call her two-three times a week. We talk about my day, her day, funny life moments, how to download music to her brand new MP3 player, how lousy traffic is right then, how much “the grandkids” are growing and changing.
Before I hang up, I say “I love you,” and I mean it.
Love isn’t just “enough”- it’s everything. Kinda the whole point, you know?
I have been a SAHM for over a decade. Now my kids are older and I feel like I have no identity. There’s no winning, is there?
Thanks for posting this Megan. Everything I would want to say as well – having been a FT WOHM all of my 6 year old son’s life, being a PT doctoral student for the past 3 years, and about to give birth to baby #2 any day now. It’s not easy, but I think, it also teaches them how the world does not fit into gender categories. Women can and should be able to pursue anything they want to – whether it’s work, school, mothering, volunteering, etc. Females don’t get this positive reinforcement enough when life is divided into “camps” of SAHM vs WOHM, etc.
It’s funny because with my first I worked, and it seemed perfectly normal. In fact the weirdest thing was that I was in a country where it’s frowned upon for mothers to go back to their careers, yet it seemed so right for us. And then I got pregnant with number 2 and through a series of events ended up staying home, which also felt right. Now I’m lucky enough to have the best of both worlds by working freelance 3 days a week at my ‘real job’, and enjoying the rest of my week with the kids. And when this assignment ends we’ll figure out a new routine.
No matter what you do there will be criticism, both from yourself and others. You have to do what works for you.
I agree completely with your last two paragraphs as well— even if the guilt is still there. I also know that my mother raised me to be a working woman despite the fact that she stayed at home for most of my childhood. And I wish the same for my daughter. Although, obviously she can make whatever choices feel right to her.
My mother stopped working to raise my sister and me but then my parents got divorced and she had to go back to work for financial reasons when I was ten. So I don’t remember the years she was home, I remember the years when she worked. Plus, she was never happy with her job because at that point, it was just that. A job. I think she would have been happier if she stuck with what could have been a “career” all along.
I am very pleased to hear that I am showing Mazzy love in an unannoying fashion. Best compliment ever!
I agree that you are choosing between the lesser of two evils. And that choice is different for everybody. It’s what you can live with.
And some don’t have a choice. I should remember that too.
Hi… i just got linked into your site… i’m a relatively new blogger, and love finding ones that i can relate too… and this one hit me really hard. My husband and i both work full time jobs that require significant travel, both domestically and internationally, and we have a 10 year old daughter. I remember when my daughter Savannah would scream when i left her at daycare for work, and then as she started going to school, it got easier, but there were, and still are, so many instances where my husband and i simply have to choose, and many times divide and conquer. But you know what? i have no regrets. I love what i do, and i love being mentally challenged every day and working with incredible people, and i believe i am a better mother for it, because staying home just simply is not how i am wired. I love her to the moon, and i hope that i am setting an example that she can choose to be anything she wants, and balancing work and family is not a sacrifice, it is a choice and one that we should all be proud of. So happy to have found your site!
My mom was a SAHM with 6 kids(!) until I was in high school and the youngest child was in elementary. My dad had never made more than 16,000 a year and had no retirement or social security saved up (from working “under the table”) – it drove him insane that mom was working, but she worked full time as an Americorps member, went to school full time and was the only person raising us kids, graduated from college at 57, and every single one of her kids is working to “make it” so she doesn’t have to work til 70 (which is 6 years from now). Mom was an amazing mom to us when she was home-schooling us and with all of us 24/7, but REALLY set the example for all of us when she was working full-time, going to school full-time, on the Dean’s list every semester of college, and none of us felt neglected. My mom kicks ass and your daughter will think the same of you.
Thank you for honestly sharing. You have put into words many f my own thoughts as I leave in the morning to go to work. In my circle of friends, I am the only one with a full time job. I’m thankful to the Internet, where I find that I am not alone.
Loved your post. I was a SAHM for the first year of my son’s life and it was tough. Really tough. I wanted to love it so much that I figured I’d never go back to work. But I didn’t love it. I often wondered about the SAHM’s who love staying home– how do THEY do it? I have felt so guilty this past year for not loving every minute of being with my son. I am now going back to work after a year of staying home with him and I’m FULL of guilt!! WHAT? I feel guilty no matter what I decided to do!
When I feel even the slightest twinge of guilt, I think of my own Working Mom and how awesome she is. In fact, I wrote a post about my amazing mom and I hope my kids will feel the same someday. http://oilandgarlic.wordpress.com/2011/05/08/an-end-to-working-mom-guilt/
Oh, I also agree with you about this…”the message appears to be that successful working mothers have the power to push for family-friendly practices at work. Although I agree with this, my experience is that it does not always work out for the women who are not rising stars at their companies…” I’m a good, hard worker but not rising star and I think more women deserve that flexibility too.
I just found your blog and am in the process of devouring it. I love how witty, clever, and honest you are. I just had my first child at the ripe old age of 38 and am back at work full time. Thank God! This mommy shit is hard! I honestly don’t know how people do it. I have never been so damn happy to go to work. And yes I love my daughter immensely! Thanks for the great blog!
I don’t see why not! Whether that means full-time daycare or part-time or just the occasional sitter. We don’t ask the same questions about school – like, can we be good moms when we’re not the ones educating our children? Or of dads, like can they be good dads when they’re not home 24 hours a day. It really is about the love.
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